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17 June 2006 @ 11:04 pm
QaF Cannibal Crack!Fic Update Chapter 8  
Okay, I'm probably going to hell for this one. So since I'm most assuredly going there, I guess I'll use my blasphemous Hello Kitty icon. Isn't it cute?

Anywho, here's the next update!



Title: Ma, Can I keep him?
Chapter: 8/?
Pairing: B/J, implied E/J; also possibly, inter-species pairing (Hey, we're still not sure of Mikey's parentage)
Rating: R
Warnings: Some references to dental torture (but not explicit). It is afterall a cannibal fic. Nothing squicky, just allusions to things that might make people uncomfortable. The word 'eviscerate' is used quite a bit.

Disclaimers: I don't own Cowlip, their writers, or the boys. Any similarity to anyone on the show or working for it is just coincidence. Really.

Summary: This is crack!fic. It is a cannibal crack!fic. It is tongue-in-cheek black humor. This is the warning within the summary. Debbie is the Sweeney Todd type living in some backwater town (not too far from Pittsburgh) with her mentally disturbed son, Mikey (yes, I stuck to canon) and adopted son, Brian. Justin and Ethan are passing through.






Previous Chapters in my memories



Chapter 8



"Brian?"

Brian was just finishing getting dressed. He had snapped his overalls into place when he turned to answer a very naked Justin rummaging through his clothes on the bedroom floor. They had just gotten out of the shower - and boy did that kid love to give Brian his morning shower blowjob - and were drying off. Brian came up behind Justin and wrapped his arm around his chest. Justin straightened out, turned his head and brushed a kiss across Brian's lips. "What's up - besides me - again? You should know better than to stay naked around me for much longer than five minutes."

Justin smiled back. "I can't find my underwear. Have you seen them?"

"Not exactly."

How was Brian to answer that question when he probably knew just where they were. Ted may have been 'invisible' but his cum stains and drool wouldn't be.

"Not exactly?"

"Just go commando. Trust me when I say you don't want them back."

Justin scrunched his nose. A naked, nose-scrunching Justin was doing nothing to help ensure that both Brian and Justin arrived in time for breakfast.

Justin decided to do as Brian suggested and pulled the overalls up and snapped them in place.

Brian secretly smiled at the fact that today he would have easy access to every part of Justin at his fingertips. Brian also smiled at the fact that as soon as breakfast was over, he had a present to give Justin and he would need that easy access to the boy after Justin showed his appreciation for his little 'gift.'

After he had put Justin to bed (Brian's special recipe of one part intense fucking and two parts heavy sedatives), he had set about gathering the raw materials.

He had first considered getting what he needed from the thing currently residing in the cage in the pen. What could be more apropos than using Justin's current boyfriend? But after Brian looked over its teeth, he realized it just wouldn't fly. There were too many fillings and cavities - and the plaque this kid had! Brian silently cursed arrogant, overly pretentious musician types and their bad dental habits. Brian would be polishing and buffing all night long. All that of course was after the extractions that would have to be done, which were quite time-intensive.

Brian had decided to leave the thing's teeth right where they were - in its head. For one thing, he didn't like the idea of Justin wearing something around his neck that might possibly remind him of his soon-to-be-deceased boyfriend. Secondly, it wouldn't be fun to taunt the thing in the cage if its teeth were gone and it couldn't talk back. That was the best part.

No, Ian's teeth wouldn't do. But Brian knew who's teeth would be perfect.

About a year ago, a man wandered upon the homestead. Apparently there was a dead cow in the middle of the road and he had come very close to hitting it and now he required assistance in moving the damn thing.

This sort of thing happened quite a bit near the homestead.

Debbie, of course, being the ever gracious hostess invited their stranded traveler to a seat at the breakfast table. The man accepted and they all sat down to eat. During the course of conversation, they found out the man's name was Shawn. Brian couldn't remember the last name - it began with a 'P' though. He was a writer - one of those omniscient authors of books that proclaim to know the answers to life - books entitled How to get the Man of Your Dreams Over the Weekend or Parenting - We Know Everything So We'll Tell You How. He went into painstaking detail about the book he was writing. How he had done extensive research on the subject and how it would revolutionize the way people thought about things. His subject? Love and how you could plot people's different kind of love on a scale. He went on and on about Self love and Platonic Love and Romantic Love and Familial Love. How people can sometimes have an abundance of one but then nothing of the other. You can put people in these boxes and then glean everything there is to know about the person from these scales. He kept talking about how people fit into these patterns and they'll do the same thing every time, yada yada yada - he went on and on, ad infinitum, until Debbie had the good grace to put everyone out of their misery and hit the asshole upside the head with her iron skillet.

As Brian carried the body to the pen, Debbie carried the pliers.

After the soon-to-be-ground Shawn woke up, Debbie then went on and on, ad infinitum about why she thought what he represented was a crock of holy shit. She made several points about how people didn't fit into these rigid scales, how love meant something more, something that couldn't be explained sometimes. How love and how people feel and what they might in turn feel are not points to be plotted on a graph, a scale or any pie chart for that matter.

For maximum effect, she had Brian pull out one tooth for each point she made.

Unfortunately for Debbie, Shawn ran out of teeth before she had finished making her final point.

Brian had collected all the teeth into a jar, slapped a label that said WHAT LOVE MEANS and had put the jar up on a shelf which he hadn't looked at until last night.

Debbie had hated the man because he was arrogant enough to think he could explain love. Brian hated him because anyone who thought about love that much and still not come up with the answer was too pathetic to live.

When Brian was about twelve years old, Mikey and he went into town to watch "Rocky" at the revival theatre. There was a scene where Paulie asked Rocky what he saw in Adrian. Rocky says "I dunno - she fills gaps."

And that, Brian thought, is what the boy did - Justin filled the gaps. He managed to wrangle and wedge himself in between all the crevices Brian had left gaping wide open. He didn't know the kid long but it didn't matter, it was what it was and there was no scale or graph that could have put it as succinctly as a prize fighter with questionable intelligence did.

And how poetic would it be for Justin to be wearing a choker made out of the very same teeth of the man who proclaimed to know everything there was about love? Justin, the boy who proved that love can't be herded into little boxes and categorized. The final coup de grace to Shawn's ultimate failure, if you will, wrapped in hemp and wire.

It was all too ironic Brian thought as he polished, buffed, ground down, drilled and finally strung together, spending all night to make the perfect choker.

"Morning oh clan of mine," Brian said as he swept into the room.

"Hi baby," Debbie said from the stove.

"Where's everybody Deb?"

"Ben came to take Mikey and Vic fishing." Brian raised his eyebrow. Debbie turned from the stove. "Fishing for fish." Debbie slapped Brian upside the head. "Asshole."

Brian sat down at the table. Ted was eating his sausage.

"No one ever takes me fishing. You know why?" Ted looked right at Brian.

"Probably because last time they took you, you corralled all the banana slugs together so you could arrange them by size and shape."

"I could have done it too if Ben hadn't come along and told me I was upsetting the balance of the eco-system in the area."

Just then Justin walked by.

"Hi Deb."

"Hi Sunshine!" Debbie left her place at the stove and gave Justin a huge bear hug and then proceeded to take Justin's face in her hands. "You're just the cutest thing. I could eat you all up!" She then tweaked his nose and went back to the stove.

Brian and Ted looked at each other. It was scary sometimes when he and Ted were on the same page.

"Brian, I want you and Sunshine to go over to Emmett's later today and bring him the material he was asking for, okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

God, but Brian hated going there. Brian plucked Justin from his chair and sat him on his lap. He started to feed him some sausage bit by bit. Ted sat and watched while drool started to pool along the side of his mouth. Debbie walked up and closed Ted's mouth for him.

"Teddy! Stop staring at Brian and Sunshine!"

"Can I feed Justin?"

"No." Brian said without breaking his stride.

"Why not?"

"I tell you what, Theodore. If you tell me the truth about taking Justin's underwear, then I'll let you feed him when I tell you it's time, okay?"

Ted looked down. "I took them. I can give them back. I'll go get them." Ted started to get up.

Justin scrunched his nose causing Brian to readjust his pants. "It's okay Ted. You can keep them."

"Told you you wouldn't want them back."

"So," Ted continued, "can I feed Justin now?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"No and look! We're all done." Brian and Justin got up from the table.

Ted looked at Justin. "Brian's the Anti-Christ."

"Oh God, not this again."

Justin looked over at Ted and leaned down conspiratorially. "He just might be - he fucks like a demon." Justin then winked at Ted, thanked Debbie for breakfast and then walked out of the kitchen, Brian in tow.

Ted decided today was a good day to arrange all the sausage in the cellar alphabetically.

As Brian and Justin were doing the first chores of the day, Brian sat Justin down under the tree behind the barn.

"I have something for you. I sort of...made it last night."

"Last night? You made it last night? God, I don't know what it is about being here, but I've never slept so good at night as I have here."

"Yeah, I bet," Brian said while scratching the back of his head. "Anyway, here."

Justin looked at the box Brian held out to him. He opened the box and was pleasantly surprised when he saw the choker. It was exquisite. He had never seen stones like these. They were almost opalescent and the sheen on the stones looked very familiar but Justin couldn't quite place why it looked so familiar. He looked up at Brian.

"Brian! It's beautiful!"

"Like you." Brian smiled and looked away. "Do you want me to put it on you?"

Justin nodded and turned around. Brian clasped the choker on Justin and turned him back around.

"It's perfect."

"I wish I could see it on me!"

"There's time for that when we go back in."

Justin wrapped his arms around Brian and kissed him. As the kissing became more heated and turned into groping and fondling, Brian unhooked his and Justin's overalls, secretly praising Theodore for making Justin 'easily accessible' for the day. Brian took in the sight of Justin wearing nothing but the choker and held his breath. "So beautiful..." Brian quickly picked Justin up and he wrapped his legs around Brian, the tree at his back holding him in place.

Brian fucked Justin against the tree hard and fast, still making time to notice the very pretty choker wrapped around his neck.

After they both reached their climax and slid to the ground, Justin lying with his back on Brian's chest while Brian played with his hair, Justin unclasped the choker and slid it from his neck.

Justin looked at the choker very carefully and turned it over and over again in his hands.

"Brian?"

"Hmmm?" Brian muttered while slowly drifting off to sleep.

"Is that...is that a filling? And right there...is that...but...is that a cavity?"

Brian silently cursed arrogant, overly-pretentious writer types and their bad dental habits.


TBC


*runs and hides*

Still, feedback is welcome, no matter what you say



Go to Chapter 9
 
 
Current Mood: deviousdevious
 
 
 
Still want him in your pack?: lip smacking gale by suzvoy_alicesprings on June 18th, 2006 06:38 am (UTC)
No words.
Maria: Listening to Satanic musicslave_o_spike on June 18th, 2006 06:47 am (UTC)
I left YOU speechless?

Uh-oh. Did I do a bad thing?
(no subject) - _alicesprings on June 18th, 2006 07:01 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on June 18th, 2006 07:42 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - _alicesprings on June 18th, 2006 08:09 am (UTC) (Expand)
cinnamon girl: laughingboys from paddiestamalinn on June 18th, 2006 06:50 am (UTC)
*giggles*
Maria: Shaun It's on Fandomslave_o_spike on June 18th, 2006 07:43 am (UTC)
*comes out of hiding to giggle with you*
flamencanyc: Laughter is Good for the Soulflamencanyc on June 18th, 2006 07:01 am (UTC)
You are so wonderfully demented!
Maria: Listening to Satanic musicslave_o_spike on June 18th, 2006 07:46 am (UTC)
I know. I'd seek help but then you might get me posting recipes on my LJ or pictures of my lawn.

*shudders*
Rhys1daftpunk on June 18th, 2006 07:50 am (UTC)
Brian had collected all the teeth into a jar, slapped a label that said WHAT LOVE MEANS and had put the jar up on a shelf which he hadn't looked at until last night.

*guffaws*

Brilliant and wicked!

minor nit pick. a lot. two words. not alot. Thanks.
Maria: Frodo doesn't live here anymoreslave_o_spike on June 18th, 2006 07:56 am (UTC)
Why thank you! Brilliant and wicked - oh yeah!

And I know about 'alot.' When I type fast, I put the words together. Then when I go back, I tend to either put a different word in altogether or just seperate them. Unfortuneately, sometimes I miss my errors, no matter how many times I go over them (I do the same with 'alittle' too quite frequently). I noticed another error in this chapter ('slowing' instead of 'slowly').

I shall go to edit now. Thanks.
Alix Strangeagneson9 on June 18th, 2006 08:14 am (UTC)
poor Hello Kitty.
Maria: Hello Kitty on a crossslave_o_spike on June 18th, 2006 08:53 am (UTC)
Yes, but he was next to a wonderful bloke named Brian and in the end they whistled a jaunty tune....
Chaos..panic..disorder...my work here is done.: Pffftjillapet on June 18th, 2006 08:17 am (UTC)
"Probably because last time they took you, you corralled all the banana slugs together so you could arrange them by size and shape."

I *heart* Ted...

What can I say? This gets more and more fucked up every chapter. Yet strangely, it makes more and more sense. The Greatest Love Story Ever Told.

Will you marry me? Or at least give me a ring made of a molar.
Still want him in your pack?: cracks up by paddies_alicesprings on June 18th, 2006 08:27 am (UTC)
Will you marry me? Or at least give me a ring made of a molar.

*ded*
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on June 18th, 2006 08:57 am (UTC) (Expand)
A fanjustinlovesart on June 18th, 2006 08:38 am (UTC)
I adore you! As much as I adore Debbie and her iron skillet.

Maria: Justin Uhmslave_o_spike on June 18th, 2006 08:59 am (UTC)
I adore Debbie and her sentiments on love too, fucked up as the rest of her morals are.

*hugs*
Inca: Evil Manincasink on June 18th, 2006 09:02 am (UTC)
oh wonderful so smart and witty im feeling rather stupid!
Maria: Spangel pop artslave_o_spike on June 18th, 2006 09:28 am (UTC)
*waves to Inca*

Yeah, well I can do smart and witty and you still do the most beautiful and hot porn (makes me so jealous!).

I love that you're reading this!
ef26: ef26(3)ef26 on June 18th, 2006 11:38 am (UTC)
LOL what have you done to shawn P.?! ... oh well, I guess he deserved a special place in this fic for all the stupid things he came up with to justify the ending (and god, he really made a fool of himself with his theory of love...)

poor ted :(( I'm a bit sorry for him - he is fun to read though :D

Is justin ever gonna realize that Ethan is missing?
Maria: Justin Fun Fun Funslave_o_spike on June 18th, 2006 04:38 pm (UTC)
LOL what have you done to shawn P.?! ... oh well, I guess he deserved a special place in this fic for all the stupid things he came up with to justify the ending (and god, he really made a fool of himself with his theory of love...)

...and now Justin is wearing his teeth around his neck. *snort*

Is justin ever gonna realize that Ethan is missing?

Now I can't tell you that! Just be patient though. *walks away whistling*
Fiona: brian 101fionat on June 18th, 2006 11:38 am (UTC)
loved what you did to Shawn P! And Eewww for Ted wanting to feed Justin!
Maria: Gale scruffy shotslave_o_spike on June 18th, 2006 04:40 pm (UTC)
Aw, poor Ted. He's just a misunderstood little Rain Man.

And oh yeah, Shawn - had to be done.

Thanks and BTW, I friended ya back!
fiercediva: Brian baths chest lickfiercediva on June 18th, 2006 12:06 pm (UTC)
*also ded*
Where do I begin with the brilliance of this crack!fic?

- Drooling Ted
- B/J in Ooveralls - someone has to manip that!!! It's totally like a Falcon video.
- The "Marathon Man" demise of Shawn P.
- The choker - like Xena, Brian has many skillz
- best of all, the Rocky reference. That is so a movie Brian and Mikey would have watched together in canon.

I cannot wait to see what you have in store for the others! :D

Maria: Justin Oh Shitslave_o_spike on June 18th, 2006 04:49 pm (UTC)
Re: *also ded*
Falcon video? Uh-oh, what icon of pop culture am I missing out on?

The Marathon Man! *facepalm* I completely forgot about the reference to that. Shit! I could have used the "Does it hurt?" reference.

And yeah, I'm glad that the movie that has the best line (romantically to me) is also a movie that Brian and Mikey would have seen.

I mean, could you imagine if the best line that could explain it all was in "The Goodbye Girl?" I couldn't see them seeing that.

You'll never believe what I have in store for the others. (*insert maniacal laughter here*)
Re: *also ded* - fiercediva on June 18th, 2006 05:15 pm (UTC) (Expand)
shadownyc: paddies  - 314 - Brian - prettyshadownyc on June 18th, 2006 12:55 pm (UTC)
Cavities and fillings are such a nuisance. LMAO

I think this is hilarious. You'll need to leave a space for me next to you in Hell. *winks*
Maria: Listening to Satanic musicslave_o_spike on June 18th, 2006 04:51 pm (UTC)
Cavities and fillings are such a nuisance.

Aren't they though? Especially when they can get you caught as the vicious, eviscerating, dental-torturing cannibal that you are. (Well, Brian's not exactly vicious).

I'll keep the unbelievably hard and uncomfortable bench seat warm for ya (it is Hell afterall - what did you expect? LazyBoy?)
(no subject) - shadownyc on June 18th, 2006 10:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
Maria: bunny yayslave_o_spike on June 18th, 2006 04:52 pm (UTC)
Nothing? But you are chortling.

Thanks :D:D
Hating you makes me all warm inside.: real love stories never endhappier_bunny on June 18th, 2006 02:31 pm (UTC)
YOU are a sick and twisted genius and I love you! This fic is making me die laughing.

Justin scrunched his nose. A naked, nose-scrunching Justin was doing nothing to help ensure that both Brian and Justin arrived in time for breakfast.

awww so sweet...love that Brian can be sweet and fucked (oh wait that's totally IC bwhahhahahaha)

Brian had collected all the teeth into a jar, slapped a label that said WHAT LOVE MEANS and had put the jar up on a shelf which he hadn't looked at until last night.

ok, 2 things: ROFLMAO X 1313212412541 AND is that a shout out to the website...omg hilarious.

And that, Brian thought, is what the boy did - Justin filled the gaps. He managed to wrangle and wedge himself in between all the crevices Brian had left gaping wide open. He didn't know the kid long but it didn't matter, it was what it was and there was no scale or graph that could have put it as succinctly as a prize fighter with questionable intelligence did.

And how poetic would it be for Justin to be wearing a choker made out of the very same teeth of the man who proclaimed to know everything there was about love? Justin, the boy who proved that love can't be herded into little boxes and categorized. The final coup de grace to Shawn's ultimate failure, if you will, wrapped in hemp and wire.


OMFG....BRILLIANT AND HYSTERICAL AND SICK AND SWEET...there are no other words.

Brian and Ted looked at each other. It was scary sometimes when he and Ted were on the same page. WORD

Seriously cannot stop laughing: Ted looked at Justin. "Brian's the Anti-Christ."

"Oh God, not this again."

Justin looked over at Ted and leaned down conspiratorially. "He just might be - he fucks like a demon." Justin then winked at Ted, thanked Debbie for breakfast and then walked out of the kitchen, Brian in tow.


and the whole convo that preceedes that..can i feed Justin...oh holy hell.

and oh no! is the jig up????

DYING FOR MORE! DYING OF LAUGHTER...♥

and since there is no icon to do this story justice...we'll just stick with the love theme. lol
Maria: Frodo doesn't live here anymoreslave_o_spike on June 18th, 2006 05:02 pm (UTC)
we'll just stick with the love theme.

Love is good. This story has a whole lotta love...and body parts...and, well, Ted.

I couldn't pass up the nod to that website. I'm not knocking it - it's just that they posted the email about Shawn's crap about Brian Kinney's love justifying why he self-destructed the B/J relationship. He was just back-peddling and I understand why they gave it space - it's just sometimes, I wish I hadn't read it.

and oh no! is the jig up????

You'll just have to wait till your next crack fix.

Thanks!
(no subject) - happier_bunny on June 18th, 2006 05:14 pm (UTC) (Expand)
charlie_jaecharlie_jae on June 18th, 2006 04:50 pm (UTC)
Did he not notice those before?! OMFG... I can't understand what the sttraction is in this story, its ridiculous but I keep coming back for more wanting more.

*gasp*

Its that voodoo!

lol.

More please
Maria: Frodo doesn't live here anymoreslave_o_spike on June 18th, 2006 05:04 pm (UTC)
Did he not notice those before?! OMFG... I can't understand what the sttraction is in this story, its ridiculous but I keep coming back for more wanting more.

Come on! The plot holes in this story are big enough to drive a Semi through.

It's the voodoo of the crack!fic! Never can be explained or understood. Professionals have attempted...

More soon!