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15 January 2007 @ 04:30 pm
QaF Cannibal Crack!Fic Update Chapter 14  
Okay, so I wrote angst a few days ago, and I had written a somewhat serious fic for Christmas, but now I'm 'back with the crack.'

Hmmm, that needs to be on a t-shirt....

Read at your own risk - possibly - possibly disturbing imagery in this chapter.

And no...it has nothing to do with Mikey's dick.

Sort of...

Title: Ma, Can I keep him?
Chapter: 14/?
Pairing: B/J, implied E/J; also possibly, inter-species pairing (Hey, we're still not sure of Mikey's parentage)
Rating: R
Warnings: It is afterall a cannibal fic. Nothing squicky, just allusions to things that might make people uncomfortable. The word 'eviscerate' is used quite a bit.

Disclaimers: I don't own Cowlip or the boys but I own three annoying cats.



Summary: This is crack!fic. It is a cannibal crack!fic. It is tongue-in-cheek black humor. This is the warning within the summary. Debbie is the Sweeney Todd type living in some backwater town (not too far from Pittsburgh) with her mentally disturbed son, Mikey (yes, I stuck to canon) and adopted son, Brian. Justin and Ethan are passing through.



Previous chapters can be found in my memories, here. If you have trouble accessing them there, just use the memories found on my user info page.









Chapter 14


"Breakfast everyone! Get your buns in here before it gets cold!" Debbie screamed up the stairs.

It had been three days since Mikey and Justin's adventure at the swimming hole. The hospital had released Mikey only yesterday after having declared him fit to be released.

Well, at least physically.

Brian and Justin entered the kitchen.

"Look's like you boys are the first ones here," Debbie said while scooping eggs and sausage onto both their plates.

Justin looked down at the sausage, noting that only a few days ago, he had been entirely tired of the constant source of breakfast meat. However, now he found that he was quite getting to like it and looked forward to it at every meal - which was good, since they seemed to eat it at every meal. This particular batch had a wonderful Maple syrup flavor.

"Slow down Sunshine. There's plenty more where that came from," Debbie chuckled as she set about cooking more at the stove. Debbie turned from her place at the range to look at Brian. "Brian, baby, you need to take Justin into town with you today and buy him some jeans and shirts." Debbie turned back around to turn the sausage. She then turned around again and pointed a finger at Brian. "And underwear too!"

Brian groaned. "What the fuck's wrong with the overalls he has now. He doesn't need anything. It's the middle of summer!" Brian shoved a mouthful of sausage into his mouth.

Debbie looked directly at Brian. "Don't you get fucking prissy with me Brian Kinney. You take Sunshine to the store and get him some fucking clothes!" Debbie turned her attention back to Justin. "Sweetie, when does your school year start?"

Brian put his fork down, then picked it back up, wanting to make sure no one noticed that for a brief moment, his walls had come down. He had completely forgotten that the kid would eventually have to go so he could start a new year at his art school.

Justin would move on without him, and Brian would have to get used to the empty nights - and an even emptier bed - when fall came.

"Um," Justin started. "I don't."

Both Debbie and Brian looked at Justin quickly.

"What do you mean?" Brian asked rather harshly. "I mean," he said more calmly, "I saw your ID. Why would you not want to go?"

Debbie took a seat at the table, suddenly more interested in the conversation.

"I, well, it's not that I don't want to go. I do. I really do. It's just that, well, after I defied my dad about wanting to go to art school and not Dartmouth..."

"Oh Sunshine," Debbie chuckled, "that's a hell of a school. You shouldn't feel bad about not being able to get in there."

"No, you don't understand. It wasn't that I couldn't go to Dartmouth - I was accepted - along with quite a few other universities..."

Of course he did, Brian thought, he was a smart little fucker.

"...it's just that I wanted to go to art school. My dad never forgave me for that. Well that, and...um...being gay," Justin whispered the last part.

"What?!" Debbie screeched.

Brian rolled his eyes. Debbie just couldn't seem to accept the fact that not everyone was like her.

In some ways, that was a good thing.

"He paid for my first semester of college. Then he said some bullshit about the stocks being what they were and blah blah blah, anyway, he couldn't afford to send me to art school. Of course," Justin laughed, "he said he could afford to send me to Dartmouth." Justin shook his head.

"So, how did you pay for your second semester?" Brian asked.

"Well, at first, I was partially paid, so I was okay to complete out the year. But in order for me to have started again in the fall, I would have to pay for this year. So I looked for a job that would help me pay for this year but..."

"But what?" Brian asked. The way Justin was being evasive told him he wasn't about to like what he was going to hear.

"I went to work for this guy, okay?" Justin looked at both Brian and Debbie. "He owns Babylon. Well he did, until..."

"You went to work at Babylon?" Brian asked. Although Brian was about as far from the famous Liberty Avenue as you could get, he still knew what Babylon was. He also knew who owned it. "You couldn't have been a bartender or a bouncer," Brian continued, "so what the fuck were you?"

"I was a dancer...a table dancer," Justin whispered.

Brian tried to imagine Justin, his Justin, standing on top of a table and dancing while men put money in his, no doubt, tiny shorts.

Hopefully he was wearing tiny shorts at the time - Brian couldn't think farther than that.

"It was really hard to study, go to school and work there, so I never got any sleep. It was funny, but here I was working, so I could afford to go to school, and I couldn't really go to school," Justin said while shoving another forkful of sausage into his mouth.

Brian put his elbows on the table and then dropped his forehead into his hands. "So what happened?"

"I asked for some time off, from my boss, Sap...I mean Gary Sapperstein..."

Brian knew who the Sap was. Was being the key term.

"...And he said I could have the night off, so I could study for one of my big exams, but I had to go to one of his private parties and well..they kept giving me all these drugs and there was this...this...sling."

Brian was silently wishing he could turn back time so he could take back what he had done and do it all over again...only this time with more relish.

Brian put his hand up. "Did he...did anybody...?"

"Oh...oh no. No. The Sap was trying to get me into the sling but I kicked him in his nuts and got the hell out of there...of course, I was fired after that, but that was probably a good thing," Justin stated, thinking that it had been a good thing to get out of there but that didn't mean he felt great about not having a job anymore where he could afford his tuition.

Brian looked at Justin and then Debbie and then the plate of food they were eating.

They say karma has a funny way of coming back and kicking someone in the ass. As he sat and watched Justin, who looked somewhat uncomfortable relating the story of his almost-rape, Brian had to admit that they were right.

Brian had remembered when Mr. Gary Sapperstein, AKA the Sap, had first come to their little homestead. Seems that the Sap and his friends wanted to have a very private party out in the middle of nowhere.

Too bad they hadn't seen the chain out in the middle of the road out in the middle of nowhere.

There had been two very frightened middle school boys with the party at the time. Brian was not really sure of what the private party entailed, but it couldn't have been good.

Brian had knocked the boys unconscious after making sure he had not been seen by them and then brought them anonymously to Ranger Ben's.

Sap and his men didn't fare as well.

Once everything was said and done and Debbie had heard the moniker for Mr. Sapperstein, she had decided to try something different yet quite fitting in keeping with his name. So in the batch that had been 'the Sap,' she added a blend of real Maple Syrup and brown sugar.

In fact, the same batch that Justin was currently eating.

Justin continued on. "He was a real sleaze though so I won't mind telling you no one really cared when him and his friends turned up missing. There was speculation as to maybe they were messed up with the mob or something. Sounds like him though," Justin said while pushing the last forkful of sausage into his mouth.

Debbie and Brian both looked at Justin and then each other.

"You know what they say," Brian smirked, "about revenge being a dish best served cold."

Debbie laughed, "yeah or in this case, sizzling in a frying pan." Both Debbie and Brian started laughing harder and harder. "I'll get you some more sausage Sunshine."

Justin looked back and forth at both of the people laughing at supposedly something they had found quite amusing. He just didn't get this family's sense of humor sometimes. Justin wondered what the joke was that he was missing.

Before he could think about it any further, Ted and Mikey walked into the kitchen along with Vic.

"Hi baby," Debbie said as she walked over and kissed Mikey on the cheek.

"Hi ma," Mikey said. While he was stretching and yawning, he noticed his mother's new t-shirt.

It said I LOVE MY SPLEENLESS GAY SON.

"MA! YOU GOT A SHIRT MADE?!!?" Mikey screeched.

Everyone stopped to look at the shirt. Vic, Brian and Justin had to try hard not to keep from laughing while Ted was moving his head from side to side as if he was trying to read something that was on a large expanse of something.

Vic laughed, "oh come on, Mikey. At least it's better than the one that says I'M PROUD OF MY GAY SON'S SMALL DICK."

Brian kept laughing, "or the one that says I LOVE MY MENTALLY CHALLENGED GAY SON."

Ted looked up. "I always liked her I 8 MY SECOND HUSBAND one the best," Teddy deadpanned.

Brian, Vic, Debbie and even Mikey laughed at that and continued to laugh. Brian and Vic almost had tears in their eyes from the laughter.

Justin stared at all the people with a perplexed look on his face.

Justin really wished he knew what the joke was this time.

Because for the life of him, he just couldn't get it.




TBC


Go to Chapter 15



Feedback is welcome - and yes, I am disturbed, thank you very much.
 
 
Current Mood: hyperhyper
 
 
 
critic75critic75 on January 16th, 2007 12:55 am (UTC)
Yae! The saga continues. Yaaaae
I'm going to go back and print all the chapters out, so I can read it anywhere, and anytime. My very favorite novel.
Maria: Frodo doesn't live here anymoreslave_o_spike on January 16th, 2007 03:25 am (UTC)
Yay!

I meant for chapter 14 to be longer but I decided to make it into 2 chapters instead so 15 should be up soon too.
Chaos..panic..disorder...my work here is done.: bj crackficjillapet on January 16th, 2007 01:57 am (UTC)
"You know what they say," Brian smirked, "about revenge being a dish best served cold."

Debbie laughed, "yeah or in this case, sizzling in a frying pan."



No...THAT is what we need to put on a tshirt!

Priceless, as usual. "I Love My Crazy QaF Crack!Fic Dealer!"
Maria: aliens harsh languageslave_o_spike on January 16th, 2007 03:23 am (UTC)
Yeah - a t-shirt or an icon...

Hmmm...

Thank you for your support - this is your wacky crack!fic dealer signing out.
(Deleted comment)
Maria: Listening to Satanic musicslave_o_spike on January 16th, 2007 03:21 am (UTC)
Hey - hi! I haven't seen you around this story for awhile - I thought you might have stopped reading.

You're insane.

You just figured this out now?!

Oh well, time to call it a night - Nurse Ratchett is coming by and it'll be time for my sleepytime pills and lights out.

Oops! I wasn't supposed to say that...:P

trishwishtrishwish on January 16th, 2007 05:03 am (UTC)
OMG I love you! Thanks for the update! Made my night. :)
Maria: B/J ILUslave_o_spike on January 16th, 2007 04:03 pm (UTC)
Glad I could be of service.

I love you too!

Thanks for the fb!
My Flame Burns Bright: Crack!ficsuch_a_steph on January 16th, 2007 09:12 am (UTC)
Oh, you have made me a happy happy girl. How I wish I could have done that to the Sap! What a fitting end!

Please let Brian come back from shopping with more overalls. I really like the visual image of Justin in oversized, half falling off, hiding nothing overalls.... jeans and a T-shirt is so passe. ;)

Yes, you are disturbed... yes, I love that about you *squeezes you madly*

Maria: My Fandom has chainsawsslave_o_spike on January 16th, 2007 04:03 pm (UTC)
*squeezes you back*

Shopping will be in the next chapter (and never fear - jeans and shirts are so unoriginal and in not keeping with this story).

Sap - I had to do it...:P

Thank you for your loyal support!!!
sonofabiscuit77: amused Briansonofabiscuit77 on January 16th, 2007 09:46 am (UTC)
Wow, so happy this is back. I adore Debbie's t-shirt! Spleenless gay son - priceless. More helpings...please.
Maria: Spike I've always been badslave_o_spike on January 16th, 2007 03:59 pm (UTC)
More helpings to come soon...you never know who'll be served next.

*insert maniacal laughter here*

Thanks!
Gio: B - 311 - *cracks up*paddies on January 16th, 2007 11:08 am (UTC)
I LOVE MY SPLEENLESS GAY SON

I'M PROUD OF MY GAY SON'S SMALL DICK

I LOVE MY MENTALLY CHALLENGED GAY SON

I 8 MY SECOND HUSBAND



Seriously..... *DED*


*DED*



*DED*


*still DED*

;))
Maria: Frodo doesn't live here anymoreslave_o_spike on January 16th, 2007 03:57 pm (UTC)
*resuscitates you*

How can you pass up the opportunity to do a Debbie shirt in a crack!fic? I mean seriously...

Thanks!

Still want him in your pack?: rofl_alicesprings on January 16th, 2007 11:46 am (UTC)
ROFL! :D
Maria: Clapping Tiggerslave_o_spike on January 16th, 2007 03:54 pm (UTC)
Then I've done my job...:D

Thanks
shadownyc: paddies  - S5 crack-upshadownyc on January 16th, 2007 12:12 pm (UTC)
I can't tell you how many I times I laughed, snickered or outright gaffawed throughout this chapter.

It's such a laugh that Justin is eating...Sapwurst. Such a fitting end.

The t-shirt actually made me LOL. That is so terrific. I can't believe how addictive this brand of crack is. Please don't cut it off. Thank you!
Maria: Hudson Game Over Manslave_o_spike on January 16th, 2007 03:54 pm (UTC)
Sapwurst - I LOVE IT!

And I guess this story is as addictive as the suasage is to Justin now.

I won't be cutting it off - so don't worry.

This chapter was originally supposed to be longer but I decided it was too long so I cut it into 2 - chap 15 will be up in a couple of days.

Thanks!
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on January 16th, 2007 05:59 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - shadownyc on January 17th, 2007 12:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on January 17th, 2007 01:29 am (UTC) (Expand)
daphne121daphne121 on January 16th, 2007 12:25 pm (UTC)
You're crazy, and I mean that in the best possible way. I seriously love this fic!

Vic laughed, "oh come on, Mikey. At least it's better than the one that says I'M PROUD OF MY GAY SON'S SMALL DICK."

Brian kept laughing, "or the one that says I LOVE MY MENTALLY CHALLENGED GAY SON."


ROFL
Maria: aliens harsh languageslave_o_spike on January 16th, 2007 03:50 pm (UTC)
I couldn't resist the lure of Deb's shirts. LOL!

And yes, I'm crazy - I need a shirt that says I'M CRAZY.

Thanks for the fb!
Lisa: Brian full smilebrianswalk on January 16th, 2007 10:40 pm (UTC)
Brian was silently wishing he could turn back time so he could take back what he had done and do it all over again...only this time with more relish.

Um, did you mean with more enjoyment or with more tasty condiments? I'm just wondering.

I'm still loving this! Keep it up.

Lisa
Maria: B/J ILUslave_o_spike on January 16th, 2007 11:09 pm (UTC)
With more enjoyment, of course (*snickers*)

Although after I read that line later, I laughed at the term 'relish.'

We'll leave the tasty ingredients mixed in to Debbie.

Chapter 15 coming soon - I had to break this chapter up into two.
singlewoman: snickersinglewoman on January 17th, 2007 12:39 am (UTC)
OMG! This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. You are truly demented!brilliant. Everything from Emmett drugging and dressing cats, to Zen Ben giving Mel hell for not recycling her arsenic bottles, to Deb's I LOVE MY SPLEENLESS GAY SON t-shirt. Notg to mention the small matter of Ethan in a cage and Brian procurring "food". Now if I could only explain to my children why I am laughing so hard.

Thank you for this.
Maria: Gale Misunderstood Cannibalslave_o_spike on January 17th, 2007 01:33 am (UTC)
Try explaining to your children (I have 5), why you're writing cannibal!fic in the first place. LOL! Actually, they know it's me, so they're used to it.

Thank you for the wonderful fb.

BTW, I checked out your lj (I do with people who read this story - you know - so I can see if you're normal or not - just kidding - actually, I'm not...where was I?) and I noticed you're into Alan Rickman (you have montana_dan as one of your friends too). Did you know, and I just found this out and I'm squeeing about it, that Tim Burton is about ready to film Sweeney Todd and Alan Rickman will play the judge.

I have a fondness for Snarry too.
firehead30firehead30 on January 17th, 2007 06:54 am (UTC)
Decent taste
*snorts my wine out my nose*

Holy fuck...that was disturbing, morbid, really uncomfortable (the spleenless always make me feel weird), and completely brilliant.

*sips a bit more wine* The only way sap would have any decency about his is if he was ground up into sausage and had maple syrup and brown sugar drizzled on him.....so you captured that nuance quite well.

*sips more wine*
*splutters*
I 8 my second husband

*tries to stop laughing and makes obscene noises* the kids are wondering what I am reading....Anime darlings writing Anime (yech!)

I'm proud of my gay son's small dick
I can no longer contain my mirth.
*falls over dead, worships your cracked mind*
Holy fuck that was good, may I have another serving please?


Maria: Bad Mommyslave_o_spike on January 17th, 2007 07:12 pm (UTC)
Re: Decent taste
I hope it was a white wine and not red (red is so bitter, IMO, but imagine it going through your nose).

I thought that was a fitting end for the Sap. And I can't believe I actually had Justin eat the Sap!!!

And the t-shirts were just calling out to be made.

Another serving coming up soon...I wonder what wine would go with this one?
Hating you makes me all warm inside.: crack!fichappier_bunny on January 19th, 2007 07:58 pm (UTC)
OK...the clothing discussion is KILLING me. bwhahahahaha

Brian knew who the Sap was. Was being the key term.

I love the way you just kill and eat everyone we don't like. :D

Once everything was said and done and Debbie had heard the moniker for Mr. Sapperstein, she had decided to try something different yet quite fitting in keeping with his name. So in the batch that had been 'the Sap,' she added a blend of real Maple Syrup and brown sugar.

In fact, the same batch that Justin was currently eating.


cannot stop laughing...having trouble breathing.

Justin really wished he knew what the joke was this time.

Because for the life of him, he just couldn't get it.


ahhh poor clueless Justin. MORE PLEASE! :D



Maria: Justin Fun Fun Funslave_o_spike on January 19th, 2007 08:03 pm (UTC)
I love the way you just kill and eat everyone we don't like. :D

LOL! I just love this line. I guess it's our way of cleansing the crap from the fandom.

Ah...if only we could do that with bad writers...

Anywho, in answer to your MORE PLEASE, I have the next chapter all ready. I just posted that I wanted someone to do a quick beta for me since the rhythm feels weird to me (it's the shopping chapter).

Someone just responded but I don't think they've ever read the story and I'm not sure of their beta skills.

Know of anyone who could do it now? It's not even about grammar really, it's just reading and telling me if it sounds okay.

Thanks for the fb!!!
(Deleted comment)
Maria: B/J ILUslave_o_spike on January 23rd, 2007 06:39 pm (UTC)
I couldn't pass up Deb's shirts and the Sap?

Had to be done.

How will Justin react? Hmm, now that is the question.

Thanks for reading! I'm so glad you're catching up on my stuff!
(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
Re: Icons! - slave_o_spike on January 24th, 2007 12:12 am (UTC) (Expand)