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19 January 2007 @ 12:51 pm
QaF Cannibal Crack!Fic Update Chapter 15  
Here's the next chapter in the ongoing saga of our favorite cannibal, his twink and the folks!!!


Thanks go to happier_bunny for looking this over for me! Thanks bunny!


Title: Ma, Can I keep him?
Chapter: 15/?
Pairing: B/J, implied E/J; also possibly, inter-species pairing (Hey, we're still not sure of Mikey's parentage)
Rating: R
Warnings: It is afterall a cannibal fic. Nothing squicky, just allusions to things that might make people uncomfortable. The word 'eviscerate' is used quite a bit.

Disclaimers: I don't own Cowlip or the boys. I also do not know the Muffin Man personally but I know he lives on Drury Lane.



Summary: This is crack!fic. It is a cannibal crack!fic. It is tongue-in-cheek black humor. This is the warning within the summary. Debbie is the Sweeney Todd type living in some backwater town (not too far from Pittsburgh) with her mentally disturbed son, Mikey (yes, I stuck to canon) and adopted son, Brian. Justin and Ethan are passing through.



Previous chapters can be found in my memories, here. If you have trouble accessing them there, just use the memories found on my user info page.










Chapter 15



"Mmmmm...that feels good," Justin sighed as Brian ran his hand through the boy's hair. "Don't stop."

Brian kept delicately touching Justin's temple, moving over the scar that he had meant to ask about several different times. He wanted to ask now but he didn't want to spoil the mood. They had finished their chores and were now lounging in the high grass, the sun beating down on both of them. A very contented Brian silently prayed, which in itself was strange since he wasn't a praying man, that the never ending stream of distractions the homestead afforded to him would not rear their ugly head at this point.

"Can I pet Justin too?"

And here was one now, Brian thought. This was why Brian didn't bother praying.

"No Theodore," Brian replied while squinting up at the man who stood above them. "Go away. Go into town and bother Emmett." Brian tried to ignore Ted while he rubbed his chin stubble against Justin's bare shoulders, eliciting a "quit it" from the boy followed by a fit of giggles. Brian smiled and kept tickling Justin.

"Can't. You're taking me and Justin shopping, remember?" Ted said.

"I'm taking Justin shopping," Brian replied, silently adding 'why, I don't know.' "Not you," he sighed.

"I need a new shirt. Debbie said to take me and she said, and I quote, 'tell that asshole to get his dick out of Sunshine and take us to town to get clothes.'"

Brian was about to open his mouth and reply with a sarcastic retort when he decided against it.

It was best just to get it over with and leave with Justin now so they could come back all the earlier.

He had plans for the kid tonight.

Brian helped Justin up and the three made their way to the truck. The Mercantile, where Brian and the family bought most of their clothes, feed and all other necessary items needed to run a farm, was owned and operated by a devout Christian Science family, who's fathers and their father's fathers had lived in the town before them.

As the trio walked in, Brian nodded his head in greeting to the woman behind the counter who was soon joined by her grandmother. There were two older gentlemen standing against the counter and Brian nodded to them in turn also.

The younger woman nodded her head in greeting back, "Brian, Ted." The woman took in the form of Justin and raised one perfectly formed eyebrow.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Justin, hi," Justin replied while smiling and waving.

The elderly woman smiled and nodded along with the older men.

"So where do we start?" Justin asked, feeling a bit foolish for having to have the family who was gracious enough to take him in, have to also buy clothes for him.

"I'll pick what you need. Wait here," Brian said as he made a beeline for the back of the store. Ted walked in the opposite direction and Justin took a look around, trying hard to ignore the pair of eyes that were watching him from the counter.

Brian started to go through the rack labeled CARHARTS - ALL OVERALLS 50% OFF against the wall. Fuck Debbie and what she wants, Brian thought. He pulled a pair of black, a pair of denim and a pair of khaki overalls down. He then grabbed two pairs of white overalls. He went to a circular rack crammed full of t-shirts and picked a light blue, short sleeved shirt for those chilly nights. It was very lightweight and he thought Justin would look perfect in it.

One shirt ought to do it. Brian then grabbed a package of underwear and walked over to the counter. "There. We're done." Brian turned to the women. "Ring it up, bag it and put it on our tab." Both women started to nervously ring up the various items.

"Brian! I want to try some of these things on!" Justin said indignantly.

Brian sighed. "There's a dressing room over there," Brian said as he pointed over to a far corner. He looked at the dressing room and then back at Justin. Okay, Brian thought, why shouldn't the kid be able to try these things on? Who was he to deny Justin this little thing.

Brian smiled as he realized he could also relieve the not-so-little thing currently residing under his own overalls.

Brian steered Justin over to the dressing room, pushed him in and then closed the curtain behind them. Brian dove for Justin's overall buckles. "Let's just get these things off you..."

"Brian! You can't be thinking about..." Justin started and then lowered his voice, "fucking in the dressing room?"

"Well...why not?" Brian asked genuinely perplexed.

Justin pointed to a sign above the mirror.

It read THERE WILL BE NO COPULATING OF ANY KIND IN THE DRESSING ROOM - THANKS- THE MANAGEMENT

Brian pushed a very naked Justin up against the wall while preparing him. "We're not copulating, we're fucking."

"I never really thought of it that way," Justin said while he attacked Brian's mouth, all the while Brian was sliding the boy up and putting him in the perfect position to...

"Oh yeah, Brian! Just like that," Justin moaned as Brian entered the willing body against his own.

Outside the dressing room, five sets of shocked faces looked on as they could hear the moaning of the two men and the banging against the room's walls.

"Um, Granny? Shouldn't we stop them? They're copulating in the dressing room and you know how Pa hates that."

The grandmother considered the man who was in the dressing room at the time. She hadn't gotten to the ripe old age of eighty-four by not knowing what was what in their town.

"Well, I'd say they weren't copulating, just fucking," Granny replied.

"Good point," replied her granddaughter.

Ted continued to listen to what was going on in the tiny room. As he became more excited, he reached in to grab his straining erection. He was halted in his process by Granny.

"Theodore Schmidt!"

Ted turned around to see both women pointing to a sign above the dressing room door.

It read THERE WILL BE NO MASTURBATING OF ANY KIND, ESPECIALLY NOT TO THE COPULATING THAT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING IN THE DRESSING ROOM, IN THE MERCANTILE. THANK YOU - THE MANAGEMENT.

Ted pouted and continued over to the rack of shirts. The sign said he couldn't so he wouldn't.

10 minutes later

Brian and Justin stumbled out of the dressing room and made their way to the counter. The young woman raised her perfectly arched eyebrow at Brian.

"Ted! Are you done yet?" Brian shouted to Ted.

"Which do you like better?" Ted asked of Justin and Brian as he held up two shirts that were both exactly the same.

Justin looked at both shirts with a confused expression. Brian pointed to the left one, "that one."

Justin leaned toward Brian. "They're both the same though."

"Yeah, well it's Ted," Brian shrugged. Ted took the shirt Brian had pointed out and looked in the pocket. He pulled out a slip of paper. Ted then walked back to the rack.

Brian rubbed his face, "Ted, what the fuck are you doing?"

Before Ted could answer, Brian heard ole' granny tsk behind him. "What?" he asked.

Both women nervously pointed to the sign above the counter.

It read THERE WILL BE NO SWEARING IN THE MERCANTILE. THIS INCLUDES USING DEROGATORY NAMES FOR ANY PART OF THE MALE OR FEMALE ANATOMY OR EXCREMENT. YOU MAY NOT USE THE F WORD IN ITS ADJECTIVE, NOUN OR VERB STATE. ALSO, THERE WILL BE NO BLASPHEMING OR TAKING OF THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN. THANK YOU - THE MANAGEMENT

Brian forgot about the sign. Brian hated that sign. "Well Christ on a cross and fuck me with a twelve inch cock! I feel like such a goddamned fucking ass. Come on twat, let's pay for this shit so we can get the fuck out of here," Brian said while steering Justin to his side.

"Brian..." Justin said trying to hide his embarrassment while at the same time trying not to laugh.

One of the older men turned to his friend. "Betsy nearly tore my head off the other day when I said I thought my sperm count was being affected by the amount of arsenic Mel was giving me."

"Ted, are you fucking done yet?" Brian yelled at Ted who seemed to be looking through every shirt on the rack.

"They're all the same," Ted said. "I need to find one that's not...," Ted continued while looking in the pocket of each shirt.

"Oh hell..." Brian muttered. "Not this again."

"What?" Justin asked.

Brian walked over to Ted and grabbed him by the elbow. "We don't have time for this Ted. Just take the shirt and let's go."

"No," Ted stated and turned from Brian. "I can't take any of these shirts. There has to be one..." Ted continued to look. He then looked up and yelled. "ALL THESE SHIRTS WERE INSPECTED BY INSPECTOR 8!" Ted looked wildly around. "I can't have a shirt that was done by inspector 8!"

Ted noticed the look on Justin's face and turned to address his confusion. "Inspector 8 is an alien who was sent here from his homeworld to lace all clothing that he came in contact with with listening devices so that he could collect information on us and send the information back to his homeworld thereby learning all our weaknesses so they could be better prepared for when they decide to invade us."

Justin stared back at Ted. For some reason, nothing that came out of Ted's mouth surprised him anymore.

Justin walked over to the rack where Ted found the shirts, looked through some pockets and brought one back to the counter.

"Here," Justin said while handing the shirt over to the woman at the counter, "this one was cleared by inspector 12."

"Thank you," Ted said.

Justin looked at Brian while stood there taking the boy in. "You're right - it is just better to humor him."

Brian smiled - the kid was learning.

After the purchases were wrung up and bagged, the trio left the store and headed back to the homestead.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the middle of hard-working America

Kyle Smith, also known as inspector 8, continued with his boring job in quality control in the Carhart factory. He picked up one of the shirts and re-attached one of his own buttons. Kyle, (and that was definitely not his real name as his real name was forty-five letters long and could only be pronounced by someone from his own world) along with his fellow brethren, were part of quality control in all the major factories across America. They put listening devices, devices that the humans called 'bugs,' into whatever it was they came into contact with - clothing, kitchen appliances, ipods, whatever.

He and his kinsmen had already gathered enough information on the humans to invade them ten times over. However, everytime one of them was about to report the information to homeworld, one of them would stop the other by telling them if they reported the information, their homeworld would then invade earth and then they wouldn't find out what would happen next on their favorite television shows.

It all started back in the early 80's with 'who shot JR?' to the current times, with American Idol and all of their other favorites, including but not limited to series, reality shows, books (Harry Potter was among their favorites) and certain movies and their possible sequels.

Kyle had to suppress a laugh at how ironic it was that most Americans complained about the amount of television there was and it's quality content, when it was that very thing that was keeping their insignificant and tiny planet from being invaded and conquered and consequently, then subjugated.

Only a few more to go and then it would be quitting time. Kyle couldn't wait.

Tonight was a brand new episode of Lost.



TBC


Go to Chapter 16


Feedback is welcome...and wanted...and craved.

So, yeah....
 
 
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
 
 
 
jane2005jane2005 on January 19th, 2007 09:46 pm (UTC)
Bwhahahhahah!!

Love the signage.

And, *sigh*, even Cannibal!Ted is a tool. Even if he is right, still a tool.
Maria: B/J cha cha chaslave_o_spike on January 19th, 2007 10:47 pm (UTC)
*pets poor Ted*

*washes hands quickly*

Yeah, he's a tool, but I just love him.

I couldn't resist doing the signs.

Thanks!
Chaos..panic..disorder...my work here is done.: bj crackficjillapet on January 19th, 2007 09:56 pm (UTC)
There are too many good quotes to copy...needless to say, I just laughed so hard that I peed my pants.

I'm off to make us an icon.
Maria: Bad Mommyslave_o_spike on January 19th, 2007 10:44 pm (UTC)
Ahhh, spontaneous continence.

Not good.

Thanks babe!

shadownyc: paddies  - S5 crack-upshadownyc on January 19th, 2007 09:59 pm (UTC)
LMAO!!!

Too much to specify...love it all way more than I should.
Maria: B/J ILUslave_o_spike on January 19th, 2007 10:43 pm (UTC)
love it all way more than I should.

It's okay, I won't tell...

Of course, you just did. :P

Thanks!!! *hugs*
starspiderstarspider on January 19th, 2007 10:32 pm (UTC)
"It all started back in the early 80's ....."
Too funny! Great job.
I think my favorite line was "and picked a light blue, short sleeved shirt for those chilly nights."

Maria: BJ cuddleslave_o_spike on January 19th, 2007 10:40 pm (UTC)
Re:
Well, he has to make sure his Sunshine doesn't get too cold at night.

Thank you!
Chaos..panic..disorder...my work here is done.: Cannibal fic iconjillapet on January 19th, 2007 10:34 pm (UTC)
Dammit...i wish that I had photoshop....
Maria: B/J ILUslave_o_spike on January 19th, 2007 10:39 pm (UTC)
I do too (and just what is going through your mind about doing next?) Alex has Adobe photoshop but it's next to impossible to get her to do anything for me - she hasn't read the story and doesn't get it.

LOL! I LOVE it! (BTW - there's one too many of the word 'any.'

And you don't have to credit my story in the comments (there's just not enough room...get it?...room?)

(no subject) - jillapet on January 20th, 2007 12:01 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on January 20th, 2007 12:18 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on January 24th, 2007 12:15 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - jillapet on January 24th, 2007 02:31 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on January 24th, 2007 02:35 am (UTC) (Expand)
singlewoman: snickersinglewoman on January 19th, 2007 10:40 pm (UTC)
I have to tell you that you are seriously demented and that I do truly love you!!

The signage was perfect, and "we are not copulating, we are fucking" is inspired. As is Brian's response to the No Swearing sign.

What a wonderful thing to come home to after a very long day at work. Many thanks.
Maria: B/J ILUslave_o_spike on January 19th, 2007 11:03 pm (UTC)
Awww, well ILU too! *points to icon*

Can you imagine Brian reacting to signage like that on the show? I just had to have him swear.

I like to stick to canon. *ahem cough cough*

I'm glad I could make the end of your day so enjoyable but now you have the weekend so HAVE FUN!

And thanks for the fb!
starspiderstarspider on January 19th, 2007 11:04 pm (UTC)
Bwahaaa!
I just noticed that you used a copulating icon too!!
Maria: BJ copulatingslave_o_spike on January 19th, 2007 11:09 pm (UTC)
Ding ding ding ding

Yay! Someone got it!

(You can pick some no nothing character from the show to put in the sausage next).
(no subject) - starspider on January 20th, 2007 07:34 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on January 20th, 2007 08:29 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Hating you makes me all warm inside.: b/j season 2 carhappier_bunny on January 19th, 2007 11:27 pm (UTC)
I laughed when I saw the icon...and of course since I'd read it, I knew the reference. ;)

This was hysterical...from the lounging in the grass to the shopping to the signs to the copulating and Ted is cracking me up. And interesting twist with Kyle. Looking forward to more. :)
Maria: B/J ILUslave_o_spike on January 20th, 2007 12:23 am (UTC)
Well, now ya see, you had the inside info. :P

Once again thank you! I really was contemplating scrapping this and starting over because I thought it just didn't flow right.

Wow! Was I wrong.

Maybe I should go back and start re-reading all the other stuff I scrapped because I didn't like the way it came out. I almost scrapped that Pictures in Color fic I wrote and posted at the beginnning of the week because I didn't like it either.
(Deleted comment)
Maria: B/J ILUslave_o_spike on January 20th, 2007 12:21 am (UTC)
Well, now I know how you feel about it.

Most people call me mad but this works too.

I like genius much better.

Thanks! *smooches*

(Deleted comment)
Lisabrianswalk on January 20th, 2007 02:00 am (UTC)
Perfect way to end a 14 hour work day. Thanks Maria.

Lisa
Maria: BJ Guh Showerslave_o_spike on January 20th, 2007 04:36 am (UTC)
Glad I could be of service. Now go RELAX!

It's the weekend!

Thanks for the fb.
critic75critic75 on January 20th, 2007 05:47 am (UTC)
I look forward to the next chapter much more than the aliens look to the next episode of their night-time soap operas.
This chapter was a star in its own heaven.

P.S. Let Colors die.
Maria: Jack I don't get itslave_o_spike on January 20th, 2007 08:24 pm (UTC)
I just had to show that our viewing obssessions is a good thing, see?

Thank you for the lovely fb.

P.S. Let Colors die.

Huh?
(no subject) - critic75 on January 20th, 2007 09:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on January 20th, 2007 09:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - critic75 on January 20th, 2007 09:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on January 20th, 2007 09:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Still want him in your pack?_alicesprings on January 20th, 2007 06:49 am (UTC)
LMAO. Great chapter!
Maria: BJ Sex Take 2slave_o_spike on January 20th, 2007 08:24 pm (UTC)
Thanks! *hugs*
Alexanderashmedai on January 20th, 2007 10:30 am (UTC)
The grandmother considered the man who was in the dressing room at the time. She hadn't gotten to the ripe old age of eighty-four by not knowing what was what in their town.

"Well, I'd say they weren't copulating, just fucking," Granny replied.

"Good point," replied her granddaughter.


Bwahahahahaaaaa!! How I love the wisdom of the aged. :D
Brilliant, I love this fic. :))


Maria: Gale Misunderstood Cannibalslave_o_spike on January 20th, 2007 08:26 pm (UTC)
How I love the wisdom of the aged.

Yeah, well, she's not one of the elderly who's being slowly poisoned by the munchers. :P

Thanks - glad you're enjoying!
sonofabiscuit77: amused Briansonofabiscuit77 on January 20th, 2007 07:23 pm (UTC)
Yay, more Ted! Seriously, I adore Ted in this and I really hope he has a chance to find out he was right all along about the aliens.... just to see the look on everyone else's faces.

Obviously, it goes without saying that the signs in the shop and Brian's tirade of swearing was just inspired.
Maria: BJ copulatingslave_o_spike on January 20th, 2007 08:28 pm (UTC)
I think I said it before, but can you imagine canon Brian seeing a sign like that and just letting it go?

Ted is just...well, I love Ted...esp in this.

Thanks for reading and commenting. Makes me all kinds of happy!
trishwishtrishwish on January 21st, 2007 12:07 am (UTC)
YES! Thank you! Love it, as always. :) I hope to read more soon.

Trish
Maria: B/J cha cha chaslave_o_spike on January 21st, 2007 12:11 am (UTC)
More is coming soon!

Thanks for reading and the heads up!