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08 April 2007 @ 05:43 pm
QaF Crack!fic Merman!Fic "It Happened in Jersey"  
So, Happy Easter everyone!!!!!!!

I just put Easter dinner in the oven, the kids have all had their Easter egg hunt and I finally got some time to myself since last night.

Whew!

I will be responding to feedback on the last chapter of Mirror.

I just thought I needed to do this first though.

I've seen a run on merman fics lately over at Midnight Whispers (okay, well two).

So I decided, yes, that I would be one of them. But, but, I'm going to do it my way.....

*laughs evilly*

It's part of the cannibal!verse and it's pre-Justin but I think you'll like it.

Title: It Happened in Jersey
Pairing: Brian/Kip (really though, don't let that stop you)
Rating: R

Warnings: Inter-species pairing
Summary: How do you solve a problem like Kip?

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowlip, the boys and per Disney, my Little Mermaid DVD.









This snippet is dedicated to jillapet



It was a warm, breezy summer that found the clan on the shores of Jersey for a little R and R. Mikey had gone off to collect seashells with Emmett and Ted. Debbie and Vic were shopping for more tacky souvenirs to fill the homestead.

It was a wonderfully quiet night that found Brian perched on the edge of the dock. He noticed something splash in the water a ways from him. It then did it again and this time he caught sight of a rather large tail.

Brian was busy contemplating what kind of fish could have a tail like that when suddenly something popped out of the water. It was a head.

And not a very pretty head either.

"Hiya," the head said.

"Um...hi," Brian waved back. The head swam away and then emerged on a rock only a few yards away. It was then that Brian noticed the head was attached to a rather scrawny chest and a well, Brian would be damned for saying it, but a tail.

"Come on over," the merman called. "The water's great."

Brian stripped himself of his overalls and dove in for want of anything better to do. Brian emerged from the water and sat himself next to the 'merman' on the rock.

"So," Brian started, "you come here often?"

"Yes, I am one of King Neptune's son's," the merman said proudly.

"Yeah," Brian scoffed, "I've heard that one before." Brian then said in a falsetto voice, "my daddy's a king so I'm a prince, blah blah blah."

"No, really. I am a prince of the sea," the merman said as he swept his hand over the ocean.

"More like chicken of the sea," Brian laughed. "Besides, being 'prince of the sea," Brian said as he swept his hand over the ocean, "isn't saying much if it's off the coast of Jersey."

The merman sighed. "If you have sex with me, I can grant you a wish."

Brian shrugged. "Really? Well okay. I mean, you're not really my type..."

"Because of our differences in species?"

"No, you're kinda butt ugly."

"Oh well, we can do it right here on this rock. By the way, my name is Kip."

"Yeah, I don't do names."

And with that, Brian proceeded to fuck Kip.

The details of that coupling are just not important enough to describe.

Brian went away and forgot to ask about his wish.

Figures.

The next night, Brian was having a nice quiet walk along the shore when he noticed Kip beached on the surface.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Brian asked angrily.

"I was looking for you."

"Why?"

"I thought we could do it again."

"Not fucking likely. I don't do anyone twice, especially not someone who was as shitty as you." Brian went to walk away, but then Kip called out to him.

"Please, just one more time?" Kip pleaded. "I came out all this way...and besides, don't you want your wish?"

"I already had sex with you..."

"It has to be twice in order for me to grant you a wish."

"Fine," Brian sighed and proceeded to fuck Kip once again.

And as before, the details of that union will be spared.

"Alright," Brian said as he buckled up his overalls, "I want my wish now."

Kip smiled. "I can't grant wishes."

"What? You lied?" Brian yelled.

"Duh! Yeah," Kip said. "Now, if you fuck me one more time - and that's what the sea witch said, if I fuck a human three times, then she'll grant me my wish - that is to have legs." Kip sat back on the rock and smiled a shit eating grin.

"Well, Skip, that's all fine and all, but I'm not fucking you a third time."

"Thought you'd say that," Kip smiled. "See, here's the score Kinney. May I call you Kinney? If you don't fuck me one more time, I'll tell PETA that you took sexual liberties with a poor defenseless merman..."

"That's dirty pool!" Brian yelled.

"Hey, I wanna go where the people go. I wanna see them dancing and laughin, ya know?"

"Sure thing Ariel." Brian regarded the merman. "Look Kip, I can help you out here. I can make sure you go where the people go."

"So you'll fuck me?" Kip said excitedly.

"In a manner of speaking," Brian said and smiled.


It was a few weeks later that Debbie's Delicacies provided a new product for the shelves of Pittsburgh for a limited time only - something that was off the beaten path of her sausages.

A canned fish.

Kippers.





The End


You know, I'm not sure if I want feedback on this one.

Okay, sure.

Just be gentle.


 
 
Current Mood: amusedamused
 
 
 
Chaos..panic..disorder...my work here is done.: bj crackficjillapet on April 9th, 2007 12:58 am (UTC)
The details of that coupling are just not important enough to describe.

THANK FUCKING GOD!

A canned fish.

Kippers.


MWAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

So much more interesting than blackmail!!!

*adores*



Maria: Spike I've always been badslave_o_spike on April 9th, 2007 02:39 am (UTC)
Hee!

Yep - canned kip-pers.

Justin wouldn't have had to let butt ugly touch him!

:)

Glad you like - I wrote it for you!
(no subject) - jillapet on April 9th, 2007 03:08 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on April 9th, 2007 03:16 am (UTC) (Expand)
starspiderstarspider on April 9th, 2007 01:02 am (UTC)
The best of all the mermaid fics!!
Maria: Spike Oh Thank Godslave_o_spike on April 9th, 2007 02:39 am (UTC)
Oh Thank God! :)
flamencanyc: Cracks up! - Galeflamencanyc on April 9th, 2007 01:23 am (UTC)
Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!
Though I must admit, when I saw that Kip was the merman, kippers were the first thing that came to mind. But I was just expecting a snarky remark from Brian about it -- I didn't realize that this was part of the Cannibal!ficverse.
Maria: cannibal fic I love my spleenless gay soslave_o_spike on April 9th, 2007 02:40 am (UTC)
Yep - couldn't resist kippers in the cannibal!verse.

LOL!
mdlawmdlaw on April 9th, 2007 01:34 am (UTC)
kipppers bwahahaha m :D
Maria: cannibal fic I8 my husbandslave_o_spike on April 9th, 2007 02:40 am (UTC)
It needed to be done...:P
ThunderingLunie: QAF cracks uplunachickk on April 9th, 2007 01:42 am (UTC)
LMAO! Brilliant!
Maria: Justin Fun Fun Funslave_o_spike on April 9th, 2007 02:41 am (UTC)
Thank you!
shadownyc: paddies  - S5 crack-upshadownyc on April 9th, 2007 01:46 am (UTC)
Bwahahaha!!!

I think the Easter Bunny brought you a little nippy, didn't he??? ;b
Maria: Danny Equus Unstable Boyslave_o_spike on April 9th, 2007 02:42 am (UTC)
No!!!!

Well, okay...yeah.

I'm drinking a glass of white zifandel right now.

Or two...:P
Lisa: Brian full smilebrianswalk on April 9th, 2007 02:26 am (UTC)
I can't believe I didn't see that coming.

Kippers. Best laugh I've had all week.
Maria: Frodo doesn't live here anymoreslave_o_spike on April 9th, 2007 02:43 am (UTC)
You didn't?!?!

Glad I gave you a good laugh.

After all the angst I've been providing, it was muchly needed. :)
singlewoman: snickersinglewoman on April 9th, 2007 02:31 am (UTC)
OMG! I just adore you! And trust me,as one who lives in Jersey, there is NOTHING that swims in the sea around here that you want anything to do with. Well, except for that one lifeguard in Belmar...

Thank you for not describing the sex, I am afraid we would all be scared and scarred for life.

It was a few weeks later that Debbie's Delicacies provided a new product for the shelves of Pittsburgh for a limited time only - something that was off the beaten path of her sausages.

A canned fish.

Kippers.


HAHAHAHA!
Maria: Justin Fun Fun Funslave_o_spike on April 9th, 2007 02:45 am (UTC)
You live in Jersey?!?!?!

You have my sympathy...(just kidding - I live in the place that Bigfoot supposedly lives so you know?)


This just had to be done. :)
(no subject) - singlewoman on April 9th, 2007 03:19 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on April 9th, 2007 03:24 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - singlewoman on April 9th, 2007 03:40 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on April 9th, 2007 01:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Wicked Bitch Of The West: Brian cracking upvlredreign on April 9th, 2007 02:31 am (UTC)
OMFG!!!!!

ROTFLMFAO

That was perfect. BTW, I've never had a kipper in my life. That's prolly a good thing, right?
Maria: Listening to Satanic musicslave_o_spike on April 9th, 2007 02:47 am (UTC)
I LOVE kippers!!!!

When I make a tuna casserole, everyone likes it better when I use kippers. They're just tastier but as with the sausage, I will now look at it and think of QaF and who I put in it.

*sigh*

Thank you.
Alix Strange: boys//grissom (csi) oh snapagneson9 on April 9th, 2007 02:43 am (UTC)
OMG. LOL.
Maria: Shaun LOLslave_o_spike on April 9th, 2007 02:45 am (UTC)
Made ya laugh. :)
(Deleted comment)
Maria: Shaun It's on Fandomslave_o_spike on April 9th, 2007 03:22 am (UTC)
You can laugh all you want.

We all need one after all the 'serious' mermaid fic out there.

LOL! :P
jane2005jane2005 on April 9th, 2007 03:40 am (UTC)
Um.

Yeah, what is it with the explosion of Merpeople lately?

This is the best way to address such fic - fire with fire.

Or, should I say, fish with fish.

And, please. Brian Kinney fucking anything that might have that... fishy smell?

Ew.

Although everyone knows who the chicken of the sea," is. But of course, I think a Mer!Justin just showed up at one of those cesspools of bad!fic recently...

Thanks for this. And thank you for keeping Justin out.
Maria: Justin Uhmslave_o_spike on April 9th, 2007 01:53 pm (UTC)
I just can't rope Justin into this mess, really.

And yes, merpeople?!?!?

It's just so ridiculous.

I like our boys because they're men, not women in men's bodies, or fish people things.

It's soooo embarassing.

Your welcome. :)
Amelia Oh: s4 brian looking downoh_amelia on April 9th, 2007 03:50 am (UTC)
OMG! I love this! Brilliant!
Maria: Gale Misunderstood Cannibalslave_o_spike on April 9th, 2007 01:53 pm (UTC)
Thanks! :D
my2cats: b/j lickmy2cats on April 9th, 2007 04:21 am (UTC)
*DED*
I will never look at a can of Kippers the same way again,LOL
Thanks for not giving us the details of the coupling.My fragile mind would not been able to handle that...it's messed up enough already from your *Mirror* fiction,LOL.
Maria: Frodo doesn't live here anymoreslave_o_spike on April 9th, 2007 01:55 pm (UTC)
I will never look at a can of Kippers the same way again,

I know - me too.

My cannibal!verse makes me look at sausage and now kippers in a skewed way.

Can you imagine giving everyone Brian/Kip porn.

Ewwwwww.....

No way!

And yeah - I have a way with messing with people's minds. :)
critic75critic75 on April 9th, 2007 07:11 am (UTC)
You really came through once again to save the day, and in the process gave me my first laugh out loud moment for the whole week-end.
Bless you.
Brian really fucked him for the third time, didn't he. Kip so deserved to be part of the menu. And yes, I read all of the mermaid stories. Even went to her site and read another fic she had written in an effort to understand where she was coming from. I am sorry that someone was mean enough to tell her just how bad they were because this child is seriously disturbed, it comes through her stories. I just hope she doesn't decide to take a gun to school or do away with her parents, or something, but I digress.
This story was everything I have come to expect from you. Brilliant. Whether it is to make us laugh or leave us with angst, you do it superbly every time.
Have you guessed I'm a fan?
Maria: Danny Equus Unstable Boyslave_o_spike on April 9th, 2007 01:59 pm (UTC)
Could you just see Brian's smile when he said "In a manner of speaking?" LOL!

I can!

I read the girl's profile. Frankly, I'm a little shocked that Elsa let her on Midnight Whispers. The girl is underage. She says so right in her profile. And wings tattooed on her back? Her parents let that happen?

I didn't read the story because I just don't have time for reading fic anymore but from what I've gathered, it was pretty disturbing. And now another 'serius' mermaid fic. This should be treated as a joke and that's it.

You like me stuff? Really?

I would have never guessed....:P

*hugs*