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17 May 2007 @ 12:48 pm
QaF Cannibal Crack!Fic Snippet "Gio and RC's Most Excellent Adventure"  
So I did it...again.

Here's a little ficlet for the two birthday gals, Gio (paddies) and RC (mclachlan), whose birthday is tomorrow.

Happy Birthday you two! First, to paddies, this is for all the wonderful icons she's provided us with (I alone use so many of them) and her amazing site Queer Eyes that she lovingly keeps up for us. And to mclachlan who has provided us so many wonderful and beautiful fics.

Also they were there encouraging me with fb in the beginning of my cannibal! crackfic so I have written them this ficlet and put them in the cannibal!verse.

And no! They don't get eaten. ;P

Title: Gio and RC's Most Excellent Adventure
Pairing: Brian/Justin, Ben/Michael, Ted/his insane mind
Summary: Rio and RC take a road trip from Philly to the Pitts and stop off along the way somewhere they never should have and get an 'eyeful.'
Warnings: Michael's whine






"Tree...tree...road sign...litter...tree," Gio droned on, looking at the passing scenery, playing the little road trip game RC and her had started to play while driving from Philly to the Pitts, the ride being unbearably long and tedious. "Is that a cop pulling us over?" Gio asked, suddenly perking up.

"Yeah," RC shot back worried. "I don't get it. I wasn't speeding!"

What was it with her and cops on road trips?

RC pulled her Toyota over to the side of the road and waited for the cop to come up to her window. She knew everything on the car was in working order, her registration was up to date and that she wasn't breaking any speed laws.

"Wow!" Gio said as she looked back at the cop who was approaching the car. "What a hunk!"

"Do people still say 'hunk?'" RC asked. Both girls laughed until they heard the tapping on the driver's side window, RC's cue to roll it down to confront the local law enforcement.

"Hello officer, I'm sure I wasn't speeding," RC shot out, looking at the angry cop holding the radar gun.

"Speeding?" the officer asked. "You weren't speeding."

RC looked at the man's badge which read BEN. "But if I wasn't speeding, then why did you stop me Officer...sir? Isn't that one of those guns that measures how fast you're going?" RC asked as she pointed to the object in question.

"This," the man pointed to, "isn't to check your speed, it's to check the amount of carbon dioxide that comes out of your tailpipe."

"You...you measure that?" RC yelled out and then suddenly remembered herself, "Officer Ben?"

"It's Ranger Ben and yes, I do. You're in my town now and you must uphold to the parts per million allowable levels. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to step out of the car. I can't let you back onto the road until it's fixed."

"What?!?!? But, but, but, no!" RC yelled.

"Please Officer...um...Ranger, sir," Gio said as she leaned over RC to state their case, "we're passing through. I'm here from abroad and..."

"I figured that from your accent. Italian?" Ben asked.

"Yes," Gio smiled.

"Beautiful place...Italy that is," Ben smiled. "I remember this guy named Marco. Oh wow," Ben continued as he looked on wistfully into the landscape, "he tied me to a bed, asked me who my daddy was." Ben stopped when he took in the faces of the two women in front of him. "Anyway, I have to ask you to..."

Just then a car went speeding past, the occupants including the teenaged driver, all drinking open cans of beer.

"Whassssup Ranger Ben!" the driver yelled.

Ben looked back and yelled, "You better be recycling those cans when you're done!"

"Officer...Ranger...shouldn't you go after them! I mean they were speeding and driving while under the influence," RC pointed out incredulously.

"But they were driving a hybrid," Ben said as he shook his head in confusion.

"Ben what's going on? I wanna go fishing," a man who seemed to come out of nowhere, whined and stomped his feet.

"I have to take care of business here Michael," the Ranger said as if he were talking to a small child.

"But I wannnnnaa go noooowww," the man named Michael whined again.

"Oh God, what an awful sound," RC said to Gio as both women covered their ears.

"Sir...really...my time is so short here, and my itinerary," Gio started to plead.

"Where you from?" Michael asked.

"Italy," Gio said as she turned to the man.

"Italy, huh? The one in Europe?" he asked.

"Um...yes," Gio said. "Is there another one?"

"Wow, we get lots of cool people through here," Michael said excitedly. "What about you?" the man asked, turning to RC.

"I'm from New England. I go to college there," she said.

Maybe the best strategy here was to humor the monkey. He seemed to have an 'in' with the crazy Ranger.

"College kid, huh? I suppose you think your smarter than everyone else," Michael said as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Actually no...no I don't, but for you I'll make an exception," RC said and winced. She hoped her sarcasm was lost on the simian.

"Well, okay then," Michael said in all seriousness.

It was.

"Ben, I wanna go now. We still have to take Teddy back home," Michael whined and stomped his feet again.

"Okay, okay Michael...calm down. Save the excitement for when we go fishing," Ben leered and bent over to kiss Michael on the lips.

Michael smiled back and started to kiss the Ranger.

RC cleared her throat. "Ranger, sir?"

"Oh...oh yes," Ben said gruffly. "I'll let you go with a warning if you take Theodore back home, how's that?" Ben smiled.

RC and Gio looked over in the direction Ranger Ben was pointing and saw a sad looking man standing there.

"Is he...safe?" Gio asked and swallowed.

"Yeah, he's harmless," Ben said. "Just don't talk about aliens, clothing inspectors or sausage," Ben said as he leaned in closer to the girls.

"Oh okay," RC said and nodded.

"Here, take this bag with you," Ranger Ben said as he handed them a plastic bag.

"Um...does he get car sick?" RC cringed as she held the bag at arm's length.

"No. It's a litter bag," Ben said and then pointed his finger at the girls. "Littering carries a heavy fine around here," he said gruffly.

"Yes sir," the girls said at the same time.

"I wonder if it's a hanging offense around here?" Gio whispered to RC as they walked away from the Ranger.

"Probably a night in the stocks if you ask me," RC said.

"Shot gun!" Ted yelled out as he climbed into the passenger side.

"God, I hope he didn't mean he's armed with one," Gio said and laughed. Both women laughed and climbed back into the car.

"So where do you live, Teddy is it?" RC asked.

"Can you see me? I'm invisible you know," Ted said.

"I...um...I can see you...now," RC said as she started the car and pulled back onto the main road, driving her apparently non-environmentally friendly car.

"Oh yeah, you can't see me doing this, can you?" Ted asked as he waved his hands in front of RC's face.

"Yes, yes I can. Please don't do that while I'm driving," she said.

Ted looked out the window. "Tree...tree...speed sign...roadkill...tree..."

After what felt like forever, RC and Gio arrived at the homestead with Ted.

"Here you go Ted, back home," RC said as she let Ted out of the car.

"Ciao!" Gio yelled to Ted as he quickly ran into the house.

RC looked at Gio with a raised eyebrow.

"What?" she said and shrugged, "he was nice!"

Just then a red-headed woman and a sickly, looking man walked out of the house.

"Oh thank you for bringing Ted home girls," the woman gushed out while smiling.

"Our pleasure," RC said.

"It was no problem, really," Gio added.

"Oh my God! Are you from Italy?" Debbie screeched as she covered her mouth. "Vic! She's from Italy."

The man named Vic walked up to the women while smiling. "Nice to meet you. I haven't been there for quite a while," he said while shaking her hand.

"Vic can speak Italian but I can't," Debbie said as she shook her head. "Say something to her Vic," she said as she elbowed the sad looking man.

Vic sighed and started speaking. "Aiutatemi, vi prego. Mia sorella è pazza. Voglio ucciderla mentre dorme."

(Please help me. My sister is crazy. I want to kill her in her sleep.)

Gio smiled and nodded. "We should go now," she said as she turned to RC.

"What did he say?" the woman asked smiling. "It was so beautiful," Debbie gushed.

"He said he loves you very much," Gio said and with that Debbie turned to her brother.

"Oh Vic," she started and then started to cry while her brother looked on, still smiling.

"Ciao!" Gio said an practically ran to the car.

"Bye!" RC said as she waved. "What did he really say?" she asked Gio once they were in the car.

"You don't even want to know. Just burn plastic," Gio said as she seat-belted herself in.

RC sighed, "that's burn rubber."

"If it gets us out of here, you can burn whatever you want," Gio said.

RC took off and started down the long winding driveway that would take her to the main road.

"Did you see that?!" Gio asked as she looked out her window.

RC suddenly stopped the car as she took notice of it too.

"Is that man attacking that boy?" RC asked while looking out Gio's window.

"I don't know."

They both exited the car and snuck around the other side of the tree where they could see the two men more clearly.

"Oh! Oh, my!" they both exclaimed as they stopped dead in their tracks.

The two men were not fighting. The taller of the two was not attacking the boy.

Well maybe he was.

With his dick.

They took in the sight of the tall, beautiful man as he plunged himself relentlessly into the other beautiful man trapped against the tree.

"Oh God Brian, just like that," the blond man moaned.

"Yeah," the man groaned as he continued to move inside his partner.

"Just stay in me...forever," the blond boy gasped out as his head lolled about.

"We should go now," RC whispered to Gio.

"Yes, we should," Gio nodded in return.

They both stood stock still.

"Like now," RC whispered back.

"I agree."

And still, they did not move.

"I'm going," RC said as she kept staring at the two gods making love against the tree.

"I'm right behind you," Gio said.

Suddenly the blond gasped out, his eyes going wide and then closing, a satisfied look of bliss adorning his face, the man above him shuddering and groaning.

"Oh, cazzo!" Gio exclaimed. (Oh Fuck)

"Holy Shit!" RC said.

Both women stared in awe at the two men.

"We should go now, for real. My feet are moving," RC said.

"Okay, I'm following."





The End


Feedback as usual is welcome.

And no, they weren't eaten!

LJ Friends don't let LJ Friends end up in Debbie's sausage. :)

 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
 
 
 
singlewoman: Escort!Justin by qafmaniacsinglewoman on May 17th, 2007 08:45 pm (UTC)
LMAO! I just love visits to the cannibal!verse. I was laughing throughout, prompting several people to ask why. Sorry sweetie, but corporate America is just not ready for you yet.

Vic! OMG Vic, just love his little bit.
Vic sighed and started speaking. "Aiutatemi, vi prego. Mia sorella è pazza. Voglio ucciderla mentre dorme."

(Please help me. My sister is crazy. I want to kill her in her sleep.)


Ben cracks me up every time."Beautiful place...Italy that is," Ben smiled. "I remember this guy named Marco. Oh wow," Ben continued as he looked on wistfully into the landscape, "he tied me to a bed, asked me who my daddy was." Ben stopped when he took in the faces of the two women in front of him. "Anyway, I have to ask you to..."

Perfect Michael.
Where you from?" Michael asked.

"Italy," Gio said as she turned to the man.

"Italy, huh? The one in Europe?" he asked.

"Um...yes," Gio said. "Is there another one?"


And, of course, teh boys! Oh the love. Yep, just like Gio and RC I wouldn't move either.
Maria: Danny Equus Unstable Boyslave_o_spike on May 17th, 2007 11:08 pm (UTC)
And, I am not ready for Corporate America. :)

Vic - um, yeah. I could vision that in my head, and it being canon on the show! LOL!

And Ben, well, we love Ben. :P I couldn't resist the Michael thing. You know me when it comes to crack!fic Mikey.

Thank you! I would've loved to hear you explain this at the office. 'Well, I was reading about this cannibal family and...'
shadownyc: paddies  - S5 crack-upshadownyc on May 17th, 2007 08:46 pm (UTC)
LMAO! I love when you include LJ friends. This is hilarious.

LJ Friends don't let LJ Friends end up in Debbie's sausage.

You have such good rules. ;b
Maria: Listening to Satanic musicslave_o_spike on May 17th, 2007 11:09 pm (UTC)
LOL! They're like Mary Sue's gone wrong! And yes, they're simple rules, but good ones. :) Thanks!!!
Wicked Bitch Of The West: Justin/Daphne laughingvlredreign on May 17th, 2007 08:47 pm (UTC)
ROTFLMFAO

Oh, my god. That was just wrong on so many levels.

Cazzo means fuck? Thanks, a new swear word for VL!!!!

Yeah, I'd be walking away from the tall man and the blond boy as fast as you guys were.

This was great, I loved it!!
Maria: MOM hack horror writerslave_o_spike on May 17th, 2007 11:11 pm (UTC)
Yep - per Gio, cazzo means fuck. She says there are millions of words for that word, so she gave me the one she uses. :)

And I would have roots in the spot I were standing in! LOL!

Thank you and yes, it is wrong on so many levels.
(no subject) - paddies on May 18th, 2007 08:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - vlredreign on May 18th, 2007 06:02 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on May 18th, 2007 11:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
Maria: Gale Misunderstood Cannibalslave_o_spike on May 17th, 2007 11:13 pm (UTC)
It's always fun to see which part people will pick as their favorite. LOL!

The best? Really? Wow! Cool! Glad you loved and I love you too babe!

Have a great birthday tomorrow - (don't get too tanked!)
Bluemchenkaffee: galebluemchenkaffee on May 17th, 2007 09:07 pm (UTC)
That was hilarious!
"College kid, huh? I suppose you think your smarter than everyone else," Michael said as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Actually no...no I don't, but for you I'll make an exception," RC said and winced. She hoped her sarcasm was lost on the simian.

"Well, okay then," Michael said in all seriousness.

It was.

LOL
And still, they did not move.
I so envy them! I wouldn't move, too. ;)

Susanne
Maria: cannibal fic I8 my husbandslave_o_spike on May 18th, 2007 11:27 pm (UTC)
Next thing you know, you'll be reading the actual cannibal crack!fic. :)

Thanks!
(no subject) - bluemchenkaffee on May 19th, 2007 08:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on May 21st, 2007 04:05 am (UTC) (Expand)
bodleianbodleian on May 17th, 2007 09:16 pm (UTC)
This is really good. I'm really enjoying this crack fic more and more - & I never thought that I would say that. Maybe I'm becoming warped. I want to read more!
Maria: Frodo doesn't live here anymoreslave_o_spike on May 18th, 2007 11:28 pm (UTC)
You are becoming warped. This was all part of my alien species master plan. Get the natives to start thinking like us...

Of course, the master plan includes watching lots and lots of BJ action!

Thanks! :)
(Deleted comment)
Maria: Shaun LOLslave_o_spike on May 18th, 2007 11:28 pm (UTC)
Made you laugh...alot! :) Thanks!
Nynot_yet_defined on May 17th, 2007 10:13 pm (UTC)
yay for birthdays
Favorite bits:

Vic sighed and started speaking. "Aiutatemi, vi prego. Mia sorella è pazza. Voglio ucciderla mentre dorme."

(Please help me. My sister is crazy. I want to kill her in her sleep.)


and

You don't even want to know. Just burn plastic," Gio said as she seat-belted herself in.

RC sighed, "that's burn rubber."

"If it gets us out of here, you can burn whatever you want," Gio said.


and

"Like now," RC whispered back.

"I agree."

And still, they did not move.

"I'm going," RC said as she kept staring at the two gods making love against the tree.

"I'm right behind you," Gio said


*cracks up and then laughs harder when sane people want me to explain why i am cracking up*

i love it when your friends have birthdays. :D
Maria: Night of the Living Deadslave_o_spike on May 18th, 2007 11:30 pm (UTC)
Re: yay for birthdays
I cringed when I sent this to Gio via email before I posted hoping she didn't take offense to the burning plastic part. My mother is Italian and she's constantly getting sayings wrong. LOL!

Thank you!!!!
critic75critic75 on May 17th, 2007 10:20 pm (UTC)
Birthdays are wonderful, especially if they inspire a chapter in the cannibal universe, but because the ingestion of elljayers is verboten, no sausage gets made. (I'm still thinking about Ian in the pen fattening up.) There are still unpunished villains who have been overlooked, (besides manipulators of Brian and Justin). There is the prudish ad client who wanted something warm and fuzzy, the head of "I See The Light", the dentist who made glass pipes . . . . . SO many deserving victims.
I'm happy to see 'the love' is still a show stopper. The ladies from Muncher's Manor missed that one. They were probably waiting at the lake.

P.S. Exceptions can be made for loose fitting overall manipulations if head and bare body length parts are unchanged.
P.P.S. I loved loved loved this chapter. You haven't lost your touch, Maria, you've only been expanding it in other directions. It is still the best of the best.
Maria: B/J ILUslave_o_spike on May 18th, 2007 11:34 pm (UTC)
I've actually got my next few victims planned. *laughs evilly*

Someone wanted me to use that Bedwetter guy.

And yeah, all you guys were down at the lake, cultivating the ragweed. :P But hey, Gio and RC should be joining you guys soon.

And you know, you SO gave me an idea for the overalls thing. What if I just had my daughter PAINT in overalls over their naked forms...

Of course, that could be baaaaddd...

I'm glad to know I'm not losing my touch, but it really is time to get back to the homestead and start writing ACTUAL chapters! LOL! Thanks JJ
Chaos..panic..disorder...my work here is done.: No copulatingjillapet on May 17th, 2007 11:10 pm (UTC)
"But they were driving a hybrid," Ben said as he shook his head in confusion.


MWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAA!

Maria: Happy Tree Friends ketchup in earsslave_o_spike on May 18th, 2007 11:35 pm (UTC)
Seriously, you laugh, but I could so see this happening...

Thanks! :)
Lisabrianswalk on May 18th, 2007 01:51 am (UTC)
"You better be recycling those cans when you're done!"

*snort* Fun snippet.

By the way, I saw 4 people in overalls today (is this a new fashion craze?), I kept thinking of Justin. Big grin!
Maria: Listening to Satanic musicslave_o_spike on May 18th, 2007 11:36 pm (UTC)
Yes! It is a fashion craze. I'm putting the overalls!vibe out there so more people will wear them and then I can maybe get the gay porn guys to wear them and then WHAM! I've got overalled bodies to make manips for a terrible in-poor-taste banner. :P

mdlawmdlaw on May 18th, 2007 02:33 am (UTC)
This just proves that even in this sick sick world there is still beauty. m :)
Maria: Joeslave_o_spike on May 18th, 2007 11:36 pm (UTC)
I can find beauty in everything!

Even Steve Buscemi. :)
Gio: B - 311 - *cracks up*paddies on May 18th, 2007 08:40 am (UTC)
Awwwwwwww...I love it! Seriously. This is awesome on so many levels... ;))

I truly love the whole thing (especially my lines...*g*), but this: "Beautiful place...Italy that is," Ben smiled. "I remember this guy named Marco. Oh wow," Ben continued as he looked on wistfully into the landscape, "he tied me to a bed, asked me who my daddy was." made me crack up so very hard. :D:D:D

Thank you! ♥

*smooches*
Maria: B/J ILUslave_o_spike on May 18th, 2007 11:52 pm (UTC)
*smooches you back*

I'm VERY glad you liked. As I was saying before, I had hoped you wouldn't mind the burning plastic part. My mom gets certain phrases wrong and she always uses the excuse, 'I was born in Italy.'

Whatever. :)

I can see the Ben and Marco scene so clearly and oh yeah.

Your welcome!!!
qafmaniac: Aaaamaaazing 311qafmaniac on May 18th, 2007 10:43 am (UTC)
I love your cannibal!verse more and more !!!!!
And this was a really great snippet.

This cracked me up:

"Where you from?" Michael asked.

"Italy," Gio said as she turned to the man.

"Italy, huh? The one in Europe?" he asked.

"Um...yes," Gio said. "Is there another one?"


And:

Vic sighed and started speaking. "Aiutatemi, vi prego. Mia sorella è pazza. Voglio ucciderla mentre dorme."

(Please help me. My sister is crazy. I want to kill her in her sleep.)


And:
The two men were not fighting. The taller of the two was not attacking the boy.

Well maybe he was.

With his dick.


Bwahahahahahaha............

They both stood stock still.

Well,who wouldn't????Hehehehehe........

♥you
Tita





Maria: cannibal fic I love my spleenless gay soslave_o_spike on May 18th, 2007 11:54 pm (UTC)
See? Cannibals can be a lot of fun too! :)

And oh yeah, like I would move from that spot. Right. Oh yeah.

Thanks Tita!
mosieandbeanmosieandbean on May 18th, 2007 11:45 am (UTC)
I just don't know where to begin. No you're not work safe, but omg,
Ben. Ben is really not so far from canon. Thank you for my monkey.
Maria: BJ Sex Take 2slave_o_spike on May 18th, 2007 11:53 pm (UTC)
I am definitely not work safe - like the manip of two men naked and doing it. :)

And no, my Ranger!Ben is not at all far from canon. The monkey was all my pleasure. Thanks!