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17 December 2007 @ 05:36 pm
Part 1 of 2 - Cannibal Christmas Interlude  
Hi everyone!

Remember the cannibal!verse?

Well, here's a Christmas present for everyone who loves the tale of our favorite cannibals!

There's two parts. I have the second one written and I'll post that tomorrow!

So here you go!

Enjoy!



Title: Cannibal Christmas Interlude
Part 1 of 2 parts (2nd part tomorrow - it's already written)
Pairing: B/J
Warnings: It's the cannibal!verse. Come on!!!!
Summary: This takes place right after chapter 16 of the ongoing saga of our favorite cannibals. It's Christmas!!!! (I know it's still summer in the story - just read and you'll see).

Disclaimer: The Qaf gang are really cannibals, Justin really is that clueless and Dan and Ron were really eaten...so I can write whatever I want about these people!

Okay, so none of the above is true.







Christmas.

Christmas is a time of year when we can all rejoice and be merry. It's a way of bringing the old year to a festive end, before ushering in the new.

Where man can put aside their differences for a little while and come together with his fellow man.

When one can forget their troubles and celebrate with family and friends, while they look back at the year and realize things were not as terrible as one thought.

Yes, Christmas is indeed a merry time.

As long as it is Christmas.

Which falls in December, thus the whole celebrating the end of the old year and the bringing in the new and reflecting thing.

That's why Christmas is not celebrated in July.

And that the reason Christmas is such a special time of year is because it's celebrated only once a year.

Maybe someone should have told Debbie that.

Brian pondered on all this as he watched Debbie and Emmett decorating an artificial white Christmas tree. He watched as the pastel greens and pinks clashed horribly with the jewel toned fuchsias and blues. Looking at the garish thing almost made Brian wish he could just go into the barn and disembowel Ethan now.

That would make him feel better.

"Brian? What's going on?" Justin asked while looking at the tree.

And there was the other reason he wanted to disembowel Ethan now.

"I have absolutely no idea whatsoever Sunshine," Brian sighed. Brian decided he had had enough. "Debbie, the lad here wants to know what's going on?"

"Haven't you ever decorated a tree Sunshine?" Debbie chuckled.

"Yes," Justin said while biting his lip, "at Christmas...in...in December."

Debbie climbed down from the ladder and walked over to Justin while Emmett continued to strewn tinsel around the ivory branches. "I'm doing this for Vic, God bless him," Debbie said while shaking her head back and forth sadly.

"But Debbie," Justin laughed, "Vic is still alive!"

"Yes, but with his health and all, one can never be too careful. So I decided that in case he doesn't make it to December, we could celebrate Christmas today!" Debbie finished with a big smile.

"Well, when you put it like that, I certainly feel like being in a celebratory mood," Vic droned as he walked into the living room. "I'm going to the bathroom now. Hopefully I won't die on the way there."

"Do you need me to wipe your ass?" Debbie asked off handedly.

"All I want for Christmas is my dignity so I'll go with 'no,'" Vic said and walked away.

Debbie laughed and turned to Brian and Justin.

"Now you two go and get ready. We'll be having friends over any minute to spend Christmas Day with us," Debbie said as she started shooing them out of the room.

"You go on ahead and I'll be up in a minute," Brian said as he kissed Justin on the nose.

"But what will I wear?" Justin asked.

"That big red bow the girls had you tied up in would look nice," Brian smirked.

"The red bow?' Justin smiled. "And...?"

"And? There's an 'and?'"

Justin laughed and playfully swatted Brian's arm while skipping away upstairs.

Brian followed closely on Debbie's heels as she walked into the kitchen.

"So...who's for dinner?" Brian asked as he started eating one of the appetizers on a tray.

"Well, we'll have Ben over of course...and Mel and Lindsay..."

"No. I meant, who are we having for dinner?" Brian asked again. "If you want, I could go prepare Ethan for you right now. He'll be a little bit greasy, but..."

"I already have a roast in the oven," Debbie said as she opened the oven door. "See?"

"Oh," Brian said dejectedly.

No disemboweling Ethan today.

Now he knew it wasn't Christmas.

"So, who's the roast?" Brian asked.

"That Bedwetter guy. Remember him?" Debbie said as she bent over the roast, basting it.

"Bellweather. Yeah I remember him."

"Every time I think of that man, it makes me sick," Debbie ranted. "Imagine! Trying to have sex with Ted without using a condom! It was barbaric!" Debbie continued as she thrust a meat thermometer into the deepest part of the rump roast. She then covered it with the tin foil.

"Yeah, well, at least he's practicing safe roasting now," Brian ceded. "So, do I dare ask who is taking care of the gift exchanging?"

"I thought it would be a nice idea if Ted did this year," Debbie smiled.

"Oh. Good. I'm gonna go upstairs and practice being surprised at getting a jar of air then," Brian said as he made to leave the kitchen.

"Now don't be so cynical Brian. You never know, Teddy may surprise us this year," Debbie admonished.

"God, I hope not," Brian muttered as he walked out. Normal strange behavior from Ted he could handle.

Anything out of the ordinary and Brian could find himself just this side of downright scared.

As Brian entered the bedroom, he looked at Justin who had changed into a tight light blue t-shirt and a pair of new, crisp white overalls. "Okay?" Justin asked as he put his hands out to the side.

"Oh yeah," Brian said as he advanced on Justin, "very okay." Brian nuzzled the side of Justin's neck while inhaling his scent.

It was so much sweeter than the smell of roasting Bellweather.

"Mmmm, looks like the rump roast won't be the only piece of ass I'll be eating tonight," Brian whispered as he continued to lick up and down Justin's throat.

"You say the sweetest things," Justin chuckled.

"Yeah, well, wait till you get a load of my yule log," Brian smiled.


The day had been a pleasant one once everyone had arrived and celebrated as if it were really Christmas. All in attendance had gotten into a festive mood with some homemade eggnog and joined in on some caroling. People had made their way to the living room for dessert and gift exchanging once their bellies had been filled with Christmas dinner.

Ben was sat behind Mikey on the overstuffed leather chair. Vic was lounging back on his Lazy-Boy chair, a piece of pie in his hand. Mel and Linds were talking about baby plans with Debbie while Emmett was announcing the arrival of Ted dressed as Santa Claus.

"Oh my God Brian," Justin whispered. "Where did Ted get that outfit?"

At this point, Brian was almost willing to tell the lad the truth - how one of those drunk and loutish department store Santas had managed to wander onto the homestead and Debbie, after having watched Miracle on 34th Street for the fifth time that day, decided to take it upon herself to rid the earth of such scum who could fowl the image that was Santa Claus.

She couldn't even bring herself to put him in the sausage.

"We bought it from Target," Brian responded.

"Ho! Ho!" Ted chorused as he passed out gifts to the girls.

"Watch your mouth Santa," Mel groused.

"Mel, sweetie," Lindsay whispered in Mel's ear, "he didn't mean it personally."

The girls opened their gifts and gasped. "Oh Teddy, these are wonderful! Did you make these?" Lindsay asked excitedly.

"Yeah," Ted smiled. "Nice use of raw materials, huh?" Ted said as he looked over at Brian.

Brian looked at the gifts and turned two shades of pale.

God, he hated when he was right.

Normal strange Ted had left the building.

Crafty and resourceful Ted had taken his place.

Brian looked at the purses that had been fashioned from license plates.

If the girls had ever decided to run the plate numbers on their new handbags, they might find it belonged to a missing person.

Hopefully Ted had not decided to make wallets out of driver's licenses. Just as Brian was thinking that, Mikey, Ben and Vic were opening their gifts.

Brian paled as he caught sight of the GMC logo on one of the belt buckles of the belts Ted had made.

Belts made out of the remnants of car seatbelts.

"Wow Ted!" Ben exclaimed. "This is great!" Ben started buckling his belt together and then releasing it, fascinated with how his new belt worked. He then buckled it again and released it again. "What a great idea! Where did you get the old seatbelts from?"

"Here and there," Ted replied. "Mostly here," Ted said as he smiled over at Brian again.

"Theodore...I need to speak with you," Brian growled.

"Hold on. Here's your gift Debbie," Ted said as he gave Debbie a small pine tree.

"A tree! Thank you Teddy!" Debbie smiled.

"Not just a tree. It's like the 12 Days of Christmas. It's a partridge in a pear tree. See?" Ted said as he pointed to a quail sitting in the tree.

Debbie's smile faltered. "Teddy...sweetie...the bird's dead."

"Well I had to get it to stay in the tree! Here," Ted said as he turned to Brian, "I got you a belt too."

"Ted," Brian started.

Ted ignored Brian and moved toward Emmett. "Yours is one of those nifty purses too," Ted said as he smiled up at Emmett.

"Oh sweetie! Thank you!" Emmett gushed. "I'm sure it'll clash horribly with everything I own. It's perfect!"

"Ted?" Justin asked quietly. "Did you get anything for me?"

Ted walked up to Justin and looked directly at him. "I was saving the best for last. Here," Ted said as he thrust a present at Justin.

Justin hurriedly opened the gift, Brian holding his breath the entire time. "Wow...it's...it's," Justin stuttered, trying to think of what it was that he was holding.

It looked vaguely familiar.

Brian swallowed as he looked at the emblem.

"It's also from the song...the 12 days of Christmas...see?" Ted said as he held up the emblem. "Five golden rings."

"But there are only four," Justin said.

"I could only work with what I had," Ted said dejectedly. "I thought you'd like it though."

"Oh, I do!" Justin said quickly. "It's so...different...yet so familiar."

Brian knew what it was. It was the golden Audi emblem taken off that Dan and Ron's car.

"Theodore...a word please," Brian said once again.

Brian took Ted aside, away from the others as they all gushed over their "gifts."

"Way to go braintrust!" Brian yelled. "Using raw materials from the barn, which by the way is off limits to you."

"Brian," Ted tsked as he nodded his head back and forth. "Sometimes the best place to hide the evidence is right out in the open."

And with that, Ted walked away.

There were times, rare as they may be, that Theodore had a point.

And Brian had to admit, this was one of them.

With that Brian shook his head, chuckled and joined the festivities in the next room.

He had yet to give Justin his present.



To be concluded in part 2...




I love feedback like the gang loves their red meat!!!!

(And Justin loves Brian's yule log).
 
 
Current Mood: amusedamused
 
 
 
Rachel: pic#29843334heifer on December 18th, 2007 01:47 am (UTC)
and now i remember how fantastically, wonderfully terrible this verse is (i love it and miss it, both at the same time. you should finish it. but this was nice too)
Maria: Merry Christmas from Deathslave_o_spike on December 18th, 2007 04:24 am (UTC)
LOL! I love how people describe this verse! LOL!!!!

I am going to finish it - never fear.

This was just an inter-lewd! :)

Thank you!!!!!
(no subject) - heifer on December 18th, 2007 04:51 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on December 18th, 2007 05:20 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - heifer on December 18th, 2007 05:58 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - heifer on December 18th, 2007 05:58 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on December 18th, 2007 06:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - heifer on December 18th, 2007 06:28 am (UTC) (Expand)
shadownyc: furriboots - Bri-txt-Grinshadownyc on December 18th, 2007 01:53 am (UTC)
This is too priceless. Poor Brian didn't get to complete his Christmas wish. LOL

I love Ted's "gifts". He really is a bright boy under that boring demeanor.

I can't wait to see what Brian has in store for Justin! :D
Maria: Christmas Story Ralphie and the Eff wordslave_o_spike on December 18th, 2007 04:25 am (UTC)
No - he won't get to complete that Christmas wish, disemboweling Ethan that is, but he will get to set his yule log into motion! LOL!!!

Ted is bright - just misunderstood. :P

Thank you shadow!!!! *hugs*
A fan: Debbiejustinlovesart on December 18th, 2007 02:04 am (UTC)
Remember the cannibal!verse?

How could we ever forget it? As brilliant as ever.

"Well, when you put it like that, I certainly feel like being in a celebratory mood," Vic droned as he walked into the living room. "I'm going to the bathroom now. Hopefully I won't die on the way there."

"Do you need me to wipe your ass?" Debbie asked off handedly.

"All I want for Christmas is my dignity so I'll go with 'no,'" Vic said and walked away.


*dies*
Maria: QaF Cannibal Christmasslave_o_spike on December 18th, 2007 04:27 am (UTC)
I could so see Vic saying this! LOL!

And I'm not going to let anyone forget my lovable cannibals! :)

Thank you!!!! *squishes you*
sevigny7sevigny7 on December 18th, 2007 02:04 am (UTC)
"Do you need me to wipe your ass?"

I'm dying here.

Justin was supposed to affix the big red bow to the Overalls of Lust. Right at the apex of the Bubble Butt of Lust.

The Bedwetter roast just finished me off. I think you've paved the way for a much more enjoyable viewing of Johnny Depp's latest.

Kisses.

Maria: Christmas Story Triple Dog Dareslave_o_spike on December 18th, 2007 04:29 am (UTC)
I CAN NOT WAIT TO SEE SWEENEY TODD!!!! UGHHH!!!

We have our Christmas party that night so I won't get to see it til Saturday! :(

Bellweather just had to be a roast for all that BB! LOL!

I think that red bow right above his butt would be quite enticing. Just wait till part 2 and see what I do to our favorite twink! :P

Thank you!!!!
snow_white79snow_white79 on December 18th, 2007 02:09 am (UTC)
HAHA LOVED LOVED LOVED IT. You totally made my day with this, oh! and the Santa suit at Target and then Dan and Ron...LOL!!! OMG, you are so awesome. Seriously. I can't wait for the second part!
Maria: Merry Christmas from Deathslave_o_spike on December 18th, 2007 04:30 am (UTC)
Thank you sweetie!

Second part coming and it's - eeek! Porn!!!

PS - Got your card! Thank you! You're so pretty and you have such a beautiful family! *hugs you*
critic75critic75 on December 18th, 2007 03:07 am (UTC)
What a lovely Christmas gift from you. You made me very happy. I love, love, love the cannibal!verse. SO many goodies this time, from the Ho! Ho! to all the recycled gifts, Vic's dry humor, Debbie's roast, dead quail, to the best one of all, Brian's Yule Log. I'm sorry he couldn't contribute to the dinner with Ethan, but bedwetter made a passable substitute.
I wish you and your family a wonderful Christmas, and before I go, can I ask what the special is at your diner for Christmas Eve?. . . . . .Please don't tell me it's roast.


Maria: Ranger Ben Christmasslave_o_spike on December 18th, 2007 04:34 am (UTC)
Glad you loved JJ. Thank you! :) I was wondering how the 'Ho Ho' would be received. I think it was better that they ate Bedwetter. Esp after what he tried to do to poor Ted.

Poor, poor crafty Ted. :)

Where are you going? Will you be able to read part 2?

Well, if this is the last time before you come back, then you have a very, very Merry Christmas too! Enjoy your family if that's where you're going!

can I ask what the special is at your diner for Christmas Eve?

Goose. :)

(no subject) - critic75 on December 18th, 2007 04:59 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on December 18th, 2007 05:19 am (UTC) (Expand)
rosy5000: BJ Showerheadrosy5000 on December 18th, 2007 03:56 am (UTC)
*pets the pretty and not-so-pretty cannibals* Oh how I've missed ye! ;)

I really can't think of a more fitting tribute to Bedwetter than to be a roast. *grins*

Brian has the best ways to dress Justin. ;)

Ted's gifts were really... unique. lol Especially love how facinated Ben was with his belt. *giggles*

Can't wait for Brian to give Justin his present now. ;D
Maria: Ranger Ben Christmasslave_o_spike on December 18th, 2007 04:37 am (UTC)
Well, when Bedwetter was asked if he wanted to be roasted, he was like, "of course...sure...I can handle a little humor aimed at my expense."

I guess the last laugh was on him. LOL!

I think Brian should dress Justin always.

And undress him too. :P

Ben is fascinated by the smallest things...really. (*cough* Mikey's dick *cough*)

Part 2 is coming and it's PORN!!!!

*is so embarrassed*

Thank you Rosy!!!!
(no subject) - rosy5000 on December 18th, 2007 04:50 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on December 18th, 2007 05:16 am (UTC) (Expand)
singlewoman: reindeer b/j by url_girlsinglewoman on December 18th, 2007 04:28 am (UTC)
Cannibal!verse oh how I have missed you! The Bedwetter roast! Licesne plate purses! Dead "partidge" in the tree! Ho Ho Ho ticking off Mel! But the best:
"Mmmm, looks like the rump roast won't be the only piece of ass I'll be eating tonight," Brian whispered as he continued to lick up and down Justin's throat.

"You say the sweetest things," Justin chuckled.

"Yeah, well, wait till you get a load of my yule log," Brian smiled.

Maria: Merry Christmas from Deathslave_o_spike on December 18th, 2007 04:40 am (UTC)
*points to icon*

It's so cute!!!!

LOL!!! There are so many things to poke fun at at Christmas!

I couldn't resist! :)

Thank you!

(PS - I received your Christmas card! So funny! Thank you!!! I hope you received mine).
Chaos..panic..disorder...my work here is done.: Brian Snowmanjillapet on December 18th, 2007 04:45 am (UTC)
"Oh. Good. I'm gonna go upstairs and practice being surprised at getting a jar of air then," Brian said as he made to leave the kitchen.


Oh, Brian. Never Change...

Christmas on the Farm. I love it!
Maria: Cannibal Brian Christmasslave_o_spike on December 18th, 2007 05:15 am (UTC)
Brian will never change! LOL!

Gotta have Christmas on the farm - just gotta! :)

Thank you Pet!!!
My Flame Burns Bright: Occasion - Porny Xmassuch_a_steph on December 18th, 2007 12:43 pm (UTC)
OMG ... all my Christmases have come at once. New Cannibal Fic and Justin in his overalls *sighs* I can wait until justin gets a taste of Brian;s Yule log. What a wonderful Christmas this will be :D
Maria: cannibal fic I love my spleenless gay soslave_o_spike on January 20th, 2008 05:19 am (UTC)
First, thank you for the card. That was so sweet.

Sorry about part 2. I will post it, even though I'm taking a bit of leave. (You can check out today's post about where I've been).

Thank you steph!!!
Bluemchenkaffee: Galebluemchenkaffee on December 18th, 2007 04:48 pm (UTC)
LOL - I couldn't stop giggling throughout the whole story.
Ted's presents were so... unbelievable.
"Teddy...sweetie...the bird's dead."

"Well I had to get it to stay in the tree!

OMG!:)

Can't wait for the second part and Justin's present.
Susanne
Maria: B/J cha cha chaslave_o_spike on January 20th, 2008 05:20 am (UTC)
Now I'm getting to all my comments!

I still will post part 2. I can at least do that! :)

Thank you Susanne!
qafmaniac: Evry time a cock gets hardqafmaniac on December 18th, 2007 09:20 pm (UTC)
OMG!Cannibal!fic!How I loooove these!

You just made my day with this!Laughing my ass of right now and can't wait for chapter two! :D

"Well, when you put it like that, I certainly feel like being in a celebratory mood," Vic droned as he walked into the living room. "I'm going to the bathroom now. Hopefully I won't die on the way there."

"Do you need me to wipe your ass?" Debbie asked off handedly.

"All I want for Christmas is my dignity so I'll go with 'no,'" Vic said and walked away.


Bwahahahahahaha..............

PRICELESS!JUST PRICELESS!
Maria: cannibal fic I love my challenged gay soslave_o_spike on January 20th, 2008 05:22 am (UTC)
Hey you! Got your card AND virtual pressie. Check out my post today so you'll know where I've been. I have so NOT been ignoring you. :)

I hope you had a great Christmas, babe.

I will post part 2 soon even though I'm not writing BJ right now. I hope you still check out my new fic though. :)

Thank you Marita!!!! *smooches*
Sue and Kelly: B/Jsweetdeathxx on December 19th, 2007 06:01 am (UTC)
OH THANK YOU! I am so glad to see a canibal story!! It's the best Christmas present I could have received except knowing that tomorrow part two will be here! <3 you've made my month! SQUEE!
Maria: cannibal fic I8 my husbandslave_o_spike on January 20th, 2008 05:17 am (UTC)
*winces*

So sorry about part 2. I will actually be posting that part. You might want to check out my post today regarding where I disappeared off to.

Sorry again about that. *winces again*

Thank you though! :)
kristinvoguekristinvogue on December 19th, 2007 09:36 am (UTC)
Hooray for more Cannibal!verse fic! Yay for Justins overalls and disembowling ethan and the ohsoperfect insane Ted. :D Can't wait for the rest.
Maria: cannibal fic I love my challenged gay soslave_o_spike on January 20th, 2008 05:16 am (UTC)
I will deliver the rest. Despite the fact that I've taken a bit of leave from BJ, I can post this part.

(You might want to see my post from today about where I've been).

Thank you!!!
paulabmpaulabm on January 10th, 2008 06:45 pm (UTC)
So I'm here intruding to say hi!. I can't believe I haven't read you B/J!! I love them as well, and orlibean, viggorli and anything involving Karl or Eric B. Ha! No very monogamous! hee! just wanted to say hi and tell you that, if you don't mind, I'd like to read "you" and comment.
:))
Maria: BJ copulatingslave_o_spike on January 20th, 2008 05:07 am (UTC)
I'm sorry this took so long. You can read anything of mine you like dear!

You can find a complete fic list under my SAUSAGE LINKS in the sidebar. I'll also be posting the orlibean story here now so enjoy! I've friended you. :)

(And yes! Please comment about anything you read - I like to hear it all - the good, the bad, the 'you suck - get a life.'