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08 March 2008 @ 02:24 pm
Second fic request from the cannibal!verse  
Title: It's hard to find a car like that
Pairing: None
Summary: Takes place in the cannibal!verse. A woman traveling through that tiny hamlet, just keeps getting into one problem after another.

Author's Note: Written as a request for snow_white79 who wanted her supervisor to meet the gang in this verse.

Apparently she's a really nasty person. (Anne, not Snow!)

Disclaimer: I don't own these people and it's all in fun! :)






Anne drove through the countryside, leaving the Pitts behind, hoping she made good time before she hit Philly. She had a smile on her face as she recalled how easy it was to talk the guy down on the price of the car she had just purchased. And the whole time his young wife, who happened to be six months along with child, was saying they needed more than that so they could pay the exorbitant amount for the birth center.

Not having medical insurance was a sad, sad thing Anne mused.

But not her problem.

'Well, cry me a river of tears, baby!' Anne mocked as she pressed down on the gas pedal. The Audi Quattro was a rare breed indeed and Anne had just basically stolen it from the couple.

As she always said, there was a sucker born every minute and the couple could surely have held out a while longer and gotten twice what it was worth.

Oh well.

Thinking about the young couple invariably led her to think about her place of employment.

There was a sucker born every minute there too. From all the way to the top, where they had fallen for her bull hook, line and sinker to all the way to the bottom, where she enjoyed keeping people most of the time.

Yep, she mused, one born every minute.

Anne's attention was caught off guard as she saw the blaring lights from the police vehicle as it was pulling her over.

The tags!

They weren't current.

Well, no problem, she still had the temporary registration. She would just explain it to the nice policeman who happened to be coming her way now.

And wasn't he a beautiful sight!

"Yes officer? It's about the tags, isn't it?" Anne started sweetly before the officer could say anything. The name on his tag said simply BEN.

"Actually, I took the time to run the plates ma'am," the handsome officer said and, "I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take you in."

"What?!" This isn't...oh no, it couldn't be!

Was it stolen?

Was the joke on her?

"It seems that this car hasn't been smog legal for at least two years," Ben said.

"You can see that sort of thing when you run the plates?" Anne asked.

"Yes ma'am. Sorry but you're going to have to come with me until someone can see this in town."

"You're kidding me?" Anne chuckled.

"And if it does need new smog equipment, that could take about a week to order...being that this is an Audi..."

"I don't have a week. I need to be at work tomorrow. I just came out to Pittsburgh to purchase the car," Anne said quickly in a panic.

"Sorry ma'am. Now I'll have to ask you to step out of the car."

"Fuck that!" and with that Anne floored the gas pedal, surely leaving skidmarks behind in her wake.

After all, it wasn't even registered to her yet. He had only run the plates. By the time they could run the plates again, it would have new plates.

Besides, she could get a lawyer later to straighten out this mess. Just as she was thinking about what her next plan of action was, she braked the car when she caught sight of a rabbit hopping across the road.

As she turned the wheel - was it turn into the skid or away from the skid - her frantic mind raced, she slammed into a ditch.

Quickly exiting the car and looking down the road, she couldn't see the police car coming after her.

That was strange.

Just then a truck pulled up.

"Having a little car problem?" the man asked her.

What was with this town? The men were gorgeous!

"Yes, I seem to have landed in this ditch. I noticed the winch on your bed. Could you pull it out for me?" Anne asked sweetly.

That voice usually worked with everyone.

"Sure, won't take long," the man said as he exited the truck. "It's a good thing I came by, Ranger Ben was just down the road. He won't be here for awhile. He's giving a ticket to some motorist who had the audacity to throw their litter out the window."

Oh.

Anne watched as the handsome man loaded her car onto the winch and pulled it out quite effortlessly.

"I better drive you back to the homestead. We can check your car over and make sure its safe to drive back home. Looks alright to me. It's a fucking Audi. You could drop it off a cliff and it'll still drive straight. And this here is the best Audi they ever put out. An '89 right?"

"Yes," Anne beamed.

"Alright. Maybe Debbie'll cook you dinner while you wait," the man smiled.

He had a beautiful smile!

Anne watched as the man took his red cap off, beat it against the side of his jean clad ass and put it back on his head. "Name's Brian by the way."

"Anne," she flirted back, using all her best come hither moves.

Brian looked at her and laughed and motioned toward the cab of the truck. "Get in."

Back at the homestead, near the garage and barn

"So is the car okay Brian?" Anne asked with a shy smile.

"She'll drive just fine," Brian smirked. "Pity is, you won't be driving out with her."

"Come again?" Anne asked, dread starting to lace her voice.

"That's also something you won't ever be doing either, Anne," he said as he pulled an axe out from behind his back.

"No!" Anne screamed as she ran from the man.

She ran as fast as her legs could carry her, of course stumbling in her not so sensible shoes.

"I always love me a chase," Brian smiled wickedly.

Brian ran after Anne as she took off through the tall grass surrounding the homestead. She came along a growth of trees and tore through there, trying to hide wherever she could.

She doubled back to the homestead hoping to have thwarted the man. She saw her new car and dared to peer inside.

The keys!

Anne quickly got into the driver's seat and started the car. She put it in Drive and pulled out.

Sure enough, she did drive straight!

Anne took off out of the place as quickly as she could, making it into town in record time. She wasn't going to go to the police station.

That was for certain.

Barney Fife would probably take her back to the madman's ranch to get the whole story straight.

She found a nice boarding house and knocked on the door loudly.

"Please answer!" she begged.

Suddenly the door opened and two women stared out after her. "Can we help you? Are you alright?" a blonde woman asked in concern.

"Please...help me...there's a madman chasing after me...with an axe!" Anne panted out.

"Brian," both girls said at the same time.

"Wow, the asshole's getting slow in his old age wouldn't you say Lindsay?" the shorter woman asked the blonde woman.

"That's strange for him. Well get in. Tell us all about it," the woman named Lindsay said.

Mel was about to close the door when she looked out into the street. "Is that your Audi? That's a Quattro. That's a nice car. I always wanted one of those."

"Yes, I just bought it. I haven't even had a chance to sign my name to the pink slip," Anne nervously chuckled.

Mel and Lindsay both looked at each other.

"Come in for tea hon," Mel said kindly. "It'll make you feel better."

Mel quietly laughed as she closed the door behind the distraught woman only one thought going through her mercenary little head.

There was one born every minute.


Fin


 
 
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
 
 
 
snow_white79: waterfallsnow_white79 on March 8th, 2008 10:32 pm (UTC)
(HUGE GRIN) Thank you! I loved it. Now on Monday when I see that awful woman, I can smile and think about this fic :) Thanks again!!! You totally kick ass!
Maria: Gale Misunderstood Cannibalslave_o_spike on March 8th, 2008 11:21 pm (UTC)
Glad you loved so much and that'll help you relax more around that woman.

I hate people like that. It was my pleasure sweety. I hope she was canon enough in the story. :)

Your welcome.
singlewoman: sex faces by url_girlsinglewoman on March 8th, 2008 10:36 pm (UTC)
Glad to see Mel and Lindz in on the action.

I just heard a Monkees song and all I could think of was Justin's Sunshine Topping Stool! I love that fic, it cracks me up every time.
Maria: Justin smilingslave_o_spike on March 8th, 2008 11:23 pm (UTC)
Now we couldn't forget about those cwazy wesbians, now could we?

See? That was my dastardly plot. Everytime you heard the Monkees, you thought of Justin topping Brian. LOL!

Thanks!
charlie_jaecharlie_jae on March 8th, 2008 10:53 pm (UTC)
LMAO... she got what she deserved. hahaha
Maria: BJ Caughtslave_o_spike on March 8th, 2008 11:24 pm (UTC)
Yep! LOL!

Some people just do, ya know? Thanks!
bodleianbodleian on March 8th, 2008 10:59 pm (UTC)
Obviously I need to read more cannibal crack - this is fun.
Maria: cannibal fic I love my spleenless gay soslave_o_spike on March 8th, 2008 11:25 pm (UTC)
Yeah! Hey! I thought you did. Oh well.

Except for the people we absolutely hate, no one goes into the sausage! :)

Thanks!
bodleianbodleian on March 9th, 2008 03:47 am (UTC)
I did read the nanowrite (not sure of the exact title) which I loved but surely there is more?
Maria: Jack I don't get itslave_o_spike on March 9th, 2008 06:23 pm (UTC)
Okay, I need to know what a 'nanowrite' is? I keep hearing about it but what exactly is it?

Now that I know there is one of it of my story. And yes, there will be more! LOL!
bodleianbodleian on March 9th, 2008 08:11 pm (UTC)
Maria, I'm not sure if you are being facetious here or not but just in case:

A nanowrite is where the authors undertook to write so many words per day for a set period of time. The last one finished, I think, last November.
There could be other rules associated with this competition but, because I only read, I'm not sure.
Maria: Jack I don't get itslave_o_spike on March 9th, 2008 09:54 pm (UTC)
See? This is why being a smartass doesn't always pay. LOL! :)

People sometimes don't know when I'm being serious and let me tell you, I am being serious.

I never knew what it meant. So that's why I'm confused. I don't remember entering any competition. You say I wrote something that was considered this?
bodleianbodleian on March 10th, 2008 04:02 am (UTC)
No Maria, you are not crazy - IT'S ME. I was driving to work this morning and realized that the nanowrite I read was a Zombie fic. Zombies, cannibals, you can see why I got confused.
One day I will get it right...
Maria: Shaun Don't forget to kill Philipslave_o_spike on March 10th, 2008 06:18 am (UTC)
Whew!

I was starting to think I might have written something I couldn't remember. LOL!

Yeah...zombies...cannibals...it's all the same.

Both are connoisseurs of human flesh!
A fan: Mel/Linds+ Brianjustinlovesart on March 8th, 2008 11:21 pm (UTC)
Fabulous ending with Mel and Linds ;)
Maria: Justin smilingslave_o_spike on March 8th, 2008 11:26 pm (UTC)
Wow! Gorgeous icon!

Thank you! I thought they needed to be included more. :)
zortrana: Barely hanging onzortrana on March 8th, 2008 11:29 pm (UTC)
I am SO not reading this. Last night I dreamed about sausage and not in PLAW way!
Then an army of Waffles came after me. I offered them sausages, but they could not be appeased.
Maria: Brian scaredslave_o_spike on March 8th, 2008 11:41 pm (UTC)
*pouts*

I'm sorry about the Waffle and sausage dreams.

Hey! That's what I usually serve at Sunday brunch! LOL!

But there is no mention of sausage here or that damn blasted toy!

It's actually a surprise what happens at the end. :)
zortrana: Laughingzortrana on March 9th, 2008 04:48 am (UTC)
Upon further reflection, when I come to your house for Sunday brunch, I'll be eating vegetarian!
LOL.
Maria: Southpark Justin Posse Justinslave_o_spike on March 9th, 2008 06:20 pm (UTC)
LOL!

But lettuce and squash have feelings too!
mdlawmdlaw on March 9th, 2008 02:07 am (UTC)
Well, if I were going to be eaten, I would surely want Brian to eat me not Mel and Linds. m :(
Maria: Gale Misunderstood Cannibalslave_o_spike on March 9th, 2008 02:30 am (UTC)
Well of course if you're going to be eaten it should be Brian. Ahem! *clears throat*

But, the girls aren't going to eat Anne, just kill her for her car.

Which if you think about it, it's far more wasteful than what Brian does.

Thanks! :)
rosy5000: Brian Spoon!Envyrosy5000 on March 9th, 2008 03:51 am (UTC)
LOL I soooooo love this 'verse! :D

It's so unfair they have so many good looking guys... even if they are a bit loose in the head. lol
Maria: BJ Guh Showerslave_o_spike on March 9th, 2008 06:19 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I know. It's a crying shame.

Of course, I think it's more the pity that they're gay and we can't get in on any of the action. LOL!

Thank you!
rosy5000: Lethal Weaponrosy5000 on March 9th, 2008 07:45 pm (UTC)
At least we can watch. ;D
Doriantdorian on March 9th, 2008 08:06 am (UTC)
Hey Brian needs more exercise or what ? letting her evade like that...*shaking head* Aida
Maria: Gale Misunderstood Cannibalslave_o_spike on March 9th, 2008 06:19 pm (UTC)
I know! He is getting so soft in his old age!

Bad cannibal!Brian!

Thanks Aida! :)