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09 December 2008 @ 06:16 pm
Regarding last night's post...  
So I'm not f-locking anything. After purging my soul basically in the last post, I took a full 24 hours to think about it and laughed. My. Ass. Off.

What did the troll say?

I won't repeat word for word but the gist of it was that I must be a horrible person to find something as serious as cannibalism funny. (If they had written it in such a way as to actually make a valid point and it had not been so full of hate and vitriol, I would have conceded their point but it was just made me feel bad).

But the best part of the email was where she basically said that a person who would write such crap might be...suspect.

Yeah, right.

Because every writer who writes fiction, should be suspect about what they write about.

Anne Rice, Stephanie Meyer, Bram Stoker and maybe even Joss Whedon and his crack team should be checked out for their nocturnal habits. And maybe we should look into the lives of Dean Koontz, Stephen King and Clive Barker.

WTF?!?!

So, in order to clear some things up, here is a general disclaimer as to all the fiction I have written and posted here:


I am not a gay man so I have not experienced gay male sex. I have a husband and have mainly experienced heterosexual sex.

Hence the 5 kids.

Hubby, bless his heart, is working so hard to make it 6. :P

I can not speak to dead people. I can not see people's future deaths just by looking at them. I have never done these things.

But it would be kind of cool.

I am not the Angel of Death, Gabriel or the Grim Reaper.

But I wish I had his robe and scythe the next time I had to walk into the Dept of Motor Vehicles. I would love to walk in and yell, 'Yo! I heard there were dead people here!'

I do not know of the existence of parallel worlds. I am not one of the Guardians. I am not the one who guards the Guardians. I am not the one who guards the one who guards the Guardians.

I am not Joe Buscemi.

I have never swapped my body with that of anyone, especially anyone with as nice a boot-tay as Justin.

I am not a witch.

Well okay, I have some employees who might say otherwise. Let's just say, I am not a spell-casting witch.

I am not one of the Four Horsemen.

I have never experienced the effects of Stigmata.

I am not the devil or Lucifer or the Prince of Darkness or any other name you might have for him. I do not have diabolical plans to impregnate a virginal gay boy with my evil spawn so that the Antichrist can be born.

I have already birthed my own evil spawn. Why would I want to knock anyone else up?

I have not sold my soul to the devil either.

I would want to renegotiate that contract otherwise.

I do not own toys, McDonalds or sexual, that come to life just so they can perv on gay men in the shower or lead an uprising to rival the one in Braveheart.

I am not currently doing time in a high security wing for any crimes against humanity.

I am not fucking one Orlando Bloom in said high security wing that I am not currently doing time in.

Which is a pity...

I am not an extremely cute stoner boy who has encountered Bigfoot.

And if I did encounter Bigfoot, I doubt he would speak Wookie.

I have never hitched a ride anywhere. If I did, it would not be for the sole benefit of wreaking terror and havoc.

It would probably be so I could get from Point A to Point B.

I have never reanimated life.

But that would be so cool!

I am not from the future so I am neither privy to information as to how the world will end nor do I think we all turn into apes because Mikey and Mel try to repopulate the planet.

Although, if the world were to end, I bet it would be because of vegans and PETA.

And finally, the story that brought all this on in the first place:

I am not an alien from another planet that works as a clothing inspector intent on bringing world domination down on the humans of this planet.

Seriously, if you were a higher form of life, would you come down here and work for minimum wage?

I do not own a boarding house where I poison all the occupants with arsenic.

I am not the mayor of Cannibal County USA and I have only sent my lj friends (on their birthday) to this place in my ima-gi-nation.

They all got a huge kick out of it so Pffft!

I don't have a cock (see first disclaimer) but if I did, it certainly wouldn't be as small as Mikey's.

Would I write about something like that if it were true?

If I had to get rid of a school of piranha, do you really think I would send it to a Florida petting zoo?

Maybe New Jersey...

I no longer own a pair of overalls however my kids do.

And lastly, and believe me when I say that it was hard to type this without chuckling, I am not a cannibal. *chuckles again*

I didn't think I would ever have to write that!

I do not condone cannibalism and its practice.

I mean, why go through all that trouble when you can go to the local Safeway and buy a tri tip roast for under $20? It just makes good sense.

So now that I've written this list out, I realize one thing.

My fiction is pretty fucking 'out there.' LOL!

But I don't think I'm a bad person. I think I just have an overactive imagination and probably need more sleep.



So I'm keeping things unlocked. This person was a troll and it was just plain stupid to even get my back up on it. I would like to give a huge Thanks to everyone who commented though. I sometimes have to be reminded that people do find my work amusing and don't take what I write the wrong way.

I love you guys. *sobs*

P.S. The ironic thing about all this is that I'll probably be locking the last post because I let slip some personal shit.
Tags:
 
 
Current Mood: touchedtouched
 
 
 
Amy: Lanamygirl on December 10th, 2008 02:30 am (UTC)
That...might be the best disclaimer EVER.

:-)
Maria: Disclaimerslave_o_spike on December 10th, 2008 02:45 am (UTC)
But I can't put it on an icon. LOL!


Izzy: let it snowblue_sunrises on December 10th, 2008 02:37 am (UTC)
Good for you!

I didn't get a chance to check my friend list yesterday, but I'm so pleased your fiction will remain open! =)

And that disclaimer...haha! Amazing.

Can't believe someone would take fiction so seriously...just wow. As someone who has also had a troll, I can sympathize. Bah, be gone trolls, you have no place here!

*hugs*

Izzy
Maria: B/J cha cha chaslave_o_spike on December 10th, 2008 02:47 am (UTC)
Yep - it will be open. :)

I wish I could get a t-shirt that had this disclaimer but it would be an awfully large shirt.

Yeah - I know. It's fiction.

Fiction.

*shakes head*

*hugs you*
Lisa: N/Briandoodle/cigbrianswalk on December 10th, 2008 02:49 am (UTC)
*bounces*
I heart Maria with an endless passion!

Maybe New Jersey...
Hey!
Maria: cannibal Brian - Meat Procurerslave_o_spike on December 10th, 2008 02:52 am (UTC)
*twirls you around and bounces with you*

Maybe New Jersey...
Hey!


What?...*winks*

What if Brian were to deliver the pirahna? Hmmm?
(no subject) - brianswalk on December 10th, 2008 02:58 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on December 10th, 2008 03:01 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - brianswalk on December 10th, 2008 03:07 am (UTC) (Expand)
jans_intentions on December 10th, 2008 02:53 am (UTC)
Seems to be the season for trolls.

That troll's deal is too ridiculous for words.
Maria: Brian Predatoryslave_o_spike on December 10th, 2008 02:55 am (UTC)
Tis the season...

Can we deck the halls with them?

That troll's deal is too ridiculous for words.

Hence the laughing my ass off. I still chortle every now and then. *chortles again*
Wicked Bitch Of The West: Wonderful WTF-eryvlredreign on December 10th, 2008 02:54 am (UTC)
Maria...okay, seriously, your disclaimer is a story in and of itself.

And yes, I am rolling on the floor, thanks.

I had to go back and read your previous post, I missed it last night. some people just keep sucking our air up, it's not fair. I say I borrow Lunie's sledgehammer and you bring some zombies and we run amok, wanna?

As you know, I don't flock anything. Well, unless it's intensely personal. I think I have 2 of those in the three years that I've been here. I say what I want, post what I want, and people can kiss my big black ass if they don't like it. *nods* Oh, and I can totally appreciate the dark childhood. Mine was a dark adolescence, and yeah, scars, I has them. If you feel you need to flock that post or use a strong filter, go for it.

As for the zombies...let em loose!!!
Maria: B/J ILUslave_o_spike on December 10th, 2008 02:59 am (UTC)
I realized that (about the disclaimer) when I was done and had to put it behind a cut. LOL!

Do you think I should've used a beta?

Yes, you may be rolling on the floor, but at least you weren't eating anything this time. I was seriously worried I had killed you that time I wrote about the sex toy revolt.

Get the sledgehammer and I'll reanimate the dead...oh wait...I already said I can't do that. We need someone who can do that. Seriously.

I'm sorry...I got stuck at the image of your big black boot-tay...

*hugs you and your beautiful boot=tay*
(no subject) - vlredreign on December 10th, 2008 03:12 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on December 10th, 2008 05:47 am (UTC) (Expand)
FanSee: Justin (fansee on December 10th, 2008 03:00 am (UTC)
Whew!!!
♥ ♥ ♥


But the best part of the email was where she basically said that a person who would write such crap might be...suspect.

That is the most cock-a-mamie crock of bull I've seen yet.

That is all.

FanSee



Maria: Justin smilingslave_o_spike on December 10th, 2008 03:03 am (UTC)
Re: Whew!!!
I know!!! What?

I seriously think she had some personal issues and decided to fuck with me. Oh well...LOL!
mdlawmdlaw on December 10th, 2008 03:08 am (UTC)
I'm glad you're feeling better. m :)
Maria: kitten #1slave_o_spike on December 10th, 2008 04:58 am (UTC)
Oh you know me. :)
rosy5000: Kitty Gigglesrosy5000 on December 10th, 2008 03:11 am (UTC)
ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!

This is the disclaimer to rule all disclaimers!!!!!! *giggles*

ITA about other writers too... especially Stephen King. I mean really... just look at him! (or not if you'd rather protect your eyes lol) He's just damn scary!
Maria: Christmas Jackslave_o_spike on December 10th, 2008 05:01 am (UTC)
LOL! Yeah, I know. I wish it would fit on an icon. :)

Stephen King is scary. I agree, but his stuff is fun to read.
Gigi: Merlin - Arthur Idiotgiselleslash on December 10th, 2008 03:25 am (UTC)
I only just came across your last post and I'm glad I saw this one first.

I always have to laugh at the trolls and the flames - just a few weeks ago we got the religious trolls running through the joint and I couldn't get over how people took the comments seriously. The religious ones are the ones you can just cackle at but I can understand when they hit a personal note that it becomes less simple to laugh them off. I'm happy to see you came to the conclusion that you CAN laugh this one off. Good on you :)

I can never get over how people can read a fic then troll it like they do - seriously, like you don't give warnings *rolls eyes*

Anyway, I'm glad you're not locking things up it'll make it much less of a hassle for you. I thought about it once but then I realized I'd have to friend back everyone that friended me and and I don't want that either. I want to keep my flist down to the people who actually talk to me, not just hang around for the fic. If people want to steal my shit or piss all over me (hmm, excessive bodily functions in that statement. sorry.) that's fine ;P

Oh, and best disclaimer/warning ever! :D

p.s. please don't eat me. You are suspect after all *snerk*

Edited at 2008-12-10 03:26 am (UTC)
Maria: Bigfoot - I believeslave_o_spike on December 10th, 2008 05:11 am (UTC)
I remember the religious nut too. No, they didn't comment on my journal, but I heard she really caused chaos. *kicks stupid people*

Now that I look at it, it is rather funny.

I always give warnings. I hate that because sometimes it gives away part of the plot but I still do. But why expend so much energy and thought processes (which these people can not afford to lose) to send someone a nasty email that doesn't offer anything constructive to say?

Yeah, I don't want to lock it either. What a pain in the arse ass!

It's the longest disclaimer I've ever written but it covers everything. :)

Rawwwr Eck Eck.
(I don't even like carving a cooked chicken!)

*winks*
zortrana: Dramazortrana on December 10th, 2008 03:39 am (UTC)
I believe all of your disclaimer, except the part about the McDonald's toys. Those things have ALWAYS terrified me when you post pictures of them. I'm pretty sure they are possessed by the Devil, at minimum.

Seriously, I'm sorry you got upset! That person was obviously a little, tiny bit too tightly wound. You are a good person, and a good writer.
Maria: Justin's Baby - Brian's Image?slave_o_spike on December 10th, 2008 05:28 am (UTC)
You really don't like Mr. Blik, do you? LOL!

*points to icon*

I should have seen that the person was too tightly wound. I just reacted too quickly to it.

Thank you *hugs*
Alexander: PrivateDancerashmedai on December 10th, 2008 03:43 am (UTC)
I am not the devil or Lucifer or the Prince of Darkness or any other name you might have for him. I do not have diabolical plans to impregnate a virginal gay boy with my evil spawn so that the Antichrist can be born.


PSSHHHH! I am so disillusioned! :D :D
Maria: Brian Predatoryslave_o_spike on December 10th, 2008 05:34 am (UTC)
I know. I'm sorry...*pouts that I couldn't live up to your idol of me*

LOL!
akasakasan: Debbieakasakasan on December 10th, 2008 04:46 am (UTC)
Awesome disclaimer :D This made me laugh hysterically and was definatly the perfect way to start my off my holidays.

So you mean Anne Rice isn't a vampire? And you're not a cannibal/ I'm shocked and surprised ;) And boy, does sarcasm sound weird on the internet.

I'm glad the stupid troll hasn't gotten to you.
Maria: cannibal Dan and Ronslave_o_spike on December 10th, 2008 05:37 am (UTC)
Well, so so glad I could give you a good laugh. LOL! Even I got a laugh out of doing it. :)

No, I'm not a cannibal. I'm actually able to type that now without chortling.

*snicker*

Okay, so it's still inspiring snickering. :)

Nope - she can't keep a good cannibal woman down. :)
liriel1810liriel1810 on December 10th, 2008 06:25 am (UTC)
Best. Disclaimer. Ever!

Trolls can just suck me undies... they're not even worth the powder to blow them to hell... hell probably wouldn't want them.

*smooches and cuddles you*
Maria: Sean Bean slave_o_spike on December 11th, 2008 12:16 am (UTC)
LOL! I won't be putting it at the beginning of my chapters though. :P

Trolls can just suck me undies...

You know, you sound like such an Aussie here. :)

*cuddles down with you*
(no subject) - liriel1810 on December 11th, 2008 01:42 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on December 11th, 2008 02:13 am (UTC) (Expand)
qafmaniac: Every time a cock gets hard...qafmaniac on December 10th, 2008 06:41 am (UTC)
I am not from the future

Awww...that's sooooo sad,really.And here I thought you are the one person in this world who knows the numbers of the lottery for next week and can reveal them to me...*sighs*

I am not the mayor of Cannibal County USA

You may be not but YOU rule the Cannibal universe and therefore you're the President of said universe.That's even better,right? ;D

Hehe,best disclaimer EVER!Totally made my day.:)♥
Maria: Brian Predatoryslave_o_spike on December 11th, 2008 12:17 am (UTC)
Hey - if I did, I would let you in on half. :) Then we can wreak havoc across the globe.

So I'm not the mayor.

I. Am. God.

LOL! Sorry, letting power get to my head here. :)

Glad it made your day. *smooches*
Minniemax: my fandom make me a masochistminniemax on December 10th, 2008 07:15 am (UTC)
Hahaha, your disclaimer is totally FTW!!!!
I suggest you send it to Joss Whedon and Eric Kripke, they should definitely put it in the credits...

I'm glad you saw this person for what he/she was and don't let it phase you.

*luffs you hard*
Maria: BJ - 314 is loveslave_o_spike on December 11th, 2008 12:19 am (UTC)
Hee! I love my new disclaimer. I'm going to put it at the beginning of my fic list and in my user profile I think. :)

I seriously wonder what Joss would do! LOL!

*luffs you harder*