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03 June 2006 @ 09:09 pm
QaF Cannibal CrackFic Chap 4  
Title: Ma, Can I keep him?
Chapter: 4/?
Pairing: B/J, implied E/J; also possibly, inter-species pairing (Hey, we're still not sure of Mikey's parentage)
Rating: R
Warnings: None so far. It is afterall a cannibal fic. Nothing squicky, just allusions to things that might make people uncomfortable. The word 'eviscerate' is used quite a bit.

Disclaimers: I don't own Cowlip (or their sheets) or the boys.
Summary: This is crack!fic. It is a cannibal crack!fic. It is tongue-in-cheek black humor. This is the warning within the summary. Debbie is the Sweeney Todd type living in some backwater town (not too far from Pittsburgh) with her mentally disturbed son, Mikey (yes, I stuck to canon) and adopted son, Brian. Justin and Ethan are passing through.



Previous Chapters in my memories




Chapter 4


One of the side benefits of being a small, backwater town that lay between Philadelphia and Pittsburgh were the queers coming back from their shopping excursions into Philly, laden down with designer items. Items such as linens with labels like Millesimo & Milos and sheets with thread counts of 1020. It was on one of these such excursions that two queers by the names of Dan and Ron had been relieved of the aforementioned bedding by Brian - afterall, they wouldn't be needing them anymore. The only bedding they would require was a hoagie roll. Brian had no problem keeping the bedding from Debbie. The sheets and duvet were a beautiful steel gray, and per Debbie, they wouldn't go with the splashy, floral decor of her room. Brian had to concur - the only thing that would go with Debbie's decor were if the townies were to come into her room and spew on the walls - but Brian kept that opinion to himself. As for Mikey, well, he had stated over and over again he would never part with his beloved Incredible Hulk sheets. Because of the bedding Brian had acquired, he had the softest, most luxurious bed of the entire homestead, which is why it made perfect sense to let one Justin Taylor rest on said bed to recuperate whilst Brian went about his business.
It was also probably the safest room in the house. It would be best to deal with Debbie in the morning. But right now, Brian had other 'things' to deal with.

The thing he was referring to was still very much asleep in his truckbed.

Once Brian had unloaded the motorcycle into the garage, he unloaded the greasy-haired body into one of the cages in the "pen." It was a very roomy cage - the standard size of a jail cell in county jails. As soon as Brian had dumped the body into the cage and retrieved its wallet, he closed the door and locked it.

It was just in time too. The figure started to stir.

"Oh God." The thing was holding its head and groaning, "I feel like shit."

Brian was looking through the wallet as he replied, "well, it's not a room at the Ritz Carlton, but it satisfies our purposes. So, what do we have here? Hmmm? Ethan Gold. Is that you?" At that moment Brian held up Ethan's driver license. "Not a very flattering photo. Then again," Brian snickered while looking directly at Ethan, "you have to consider the subject."

"Who are you? Where am I? I demand to know what the fuck's going on!"

"Here's the deal Ian..."

"Ethan..."

"Like it really matters anymore. Here's the deal. I'll speak and you'll nod your head 'yes' or 'no' when I ask you a question. Otherwise, no talking, okay?"

Ethan looked back at Brian blankly.

"Ian? This is not a hard question. 'Yes' or 'no?'"

Ethan nodded his head 'yes.'

"Okay, good!" Brian clapped his hands together and started to pace the room. "Where to begin. I'm sure you've probably heard of a tasty sausage with the label 'Debbie's Delicacies,' right? Ian, now would be the time to nod your head yes or no."

"You didn't really ask a question. You posed a statement. The question should have been...." But Ethan didn't get to finish his sentence because Brian had reached in and grabbed Ethan by his grubby shirt collar and brought his face right up to the bars.

"Now, you listen you little Shit. Don't get smart with me. I will make you regret it. You can die slowly or you can die quickly and painlessly. It's your choice and you don't have very many of them right now. Now, I'll repeat the question and I'll pose it so you can understand me. Have. You. Heard. Of. The. Sausage. Label 'Debbie's Delicacies' Ian?"

Ethan was about to respond and decided that now was not the time. He nodded his head in the affirmative.

"Good boy," Brian said while patting Ethan on its cheek. He released Ethan and Ethan jumped back from the bars. "I'll continue now. Debbie uses a variety of ingredients in her sausage, which I would like to add, is doing very well in the stores in and surrounding Pittsburgh. I guess you could say I'm with the 'Meat Procurement Department.'" Brian smiled at Ethan at that last bit.

Ethan looked up at Brian. Ethan decided that if Satan were real, he would have that smile. Sometimes, Ethan was alittle slow on the uptake. For some reason, at this moment in time, all his synapses were firing and things began to click into place. Ethan became very pale and then he began to speak in a voice that he didn't know he still possessed.

"You mean...Debbie's Delicacies is made from...from...people? Oh God," Ethan started to pace in his cell. "Debbie's Delicacies is...it's...it's people!"

"Christ kid! Who do you think you are, Charleton Heston? Okay, so now you know who I am. Now you know what you are and your final purpose in life is - think of it as giving back to the community."

Ethan started to feel sick. Brian noted the fact that Ethan was turning three shades of pale, if that was possible. He decided it was probably a good time to get the bucket and place in in the cell.

"Justin? Where's Justin? He hasn't been...he's not..."

"No, he's fine. He's safe. He hasn't been eaten...yet," Brian said with a smile as he turned and walked out of the pen.

The way Brian had said those parting words made Ethan very grateful that Brian had put the bucket there just in time.


TBC


Go to Chapter 5


Feedback is appreciated - unless anyone wants that bucket?
 
 
Current Mood: hyperhyper
 
 
 
Hating you makes me all warm inside.: b/j season 5 cracks uphappier_bunny on June 4th, 2006 04:33 am (UTC)
bwhahahahhah.

Still loving it! Killing Dan and Ron is hilarious...turning them into sausages that are distributed to the public is priceless.
Maria: money shotslave_o_spike on June 4th, 2006 04:51 am (UTC)
It had to be done. I've been rewatching S5 now that I have the dvds and I...just...couldn't...help...it.
netlagdnetlagd on June 4th, 2006 04:37 am (UTC)
for some reason I thought that this took place in a swamp in Louisiana.
My bad.
Okay, so the waterboy doesn't really apply here.
LOL on the sheets - especially the refereneces to Ron and Dan.
Looking forward on how you are going to resolve the issue of Justin accepting Brian, given his current occupation as meat procurment specialist.
Love the Soylent Green reference!
Pass the bucket, please...
Maria: BJ Sex Take 2slave_o_spike on June 4th, 2006 04:56 am (UTC)
Okay, so the waterboy doesn't really apply here

No, but Mikey is still kinda 'Waterboy' like.

And re the sheets and Dan and Ron? Like I said to bunny above, it had to be done. They're giving back to their fans.

As for how Justin will accept Brian? Remember, Brian was alittle wary of Justin looking in the back of the truck because it would ruin his cover story. Don't worry, Brian is a very resourceful man...er...cannibal.

I grew up on Charleton-Heston-dismal-future movies and I couldn't pass this up.

Thanks


zoshazosha2003 on June 4th, 2006 05:09 am (UTC)
The whole premise is so sickeningly funny - I am completely ashamed at how much I am loving this.

This

It was on one of these such excursions that two queers by the names of Dan and Ron had been relieved of the aforementioned bedding by Brian - afterall, they wouldn't be needing them anymore. The only bedding they would require was a hoagie roll.

caused me to laugh so damn hard my SO woke up. I read the whole thing to him (he does not get it and think's I'm a nutty middle aged woman with too much time on her hands and strange LJ fic tastes - but after 20 years ... it's all good). A fitting end for CowFlop if you ask me.

I cannot wait for more. And I'm never eating sausage again.
Maria: My Fandom has chainsawsslave_o_spike on June 4th, 2006 05:29 am (UTC)
caused me to laugh so damn hard my SO woke up.

Ooops! Um, sorry. LOL! He sounds like my hubby.

Ya know, I read all my stories to my hubby and he finds ways to bring up lines from them while watching QaF (we're watching S5 right now on DVD). EI.. Everytime Mikey does something while in denial, he'll say "The hamster is dead." Everyone in the house will laugh. He's been using my lines from this series too. It's kind of funny when the whole family joins in.

Had to off Dan and Ron. Sorry about putting you off to sausage though.

Thanks
cinnamon girl: brilliant from madtamalinn on June 4th, 2006 06:04 am (UTC)
oh my god. the dan and ron thing. *dies laughing*
Maria: bunny Pfft tongueslave_o_spike on June 4th, 2006 06:10 am (UTC)
I thought I might have been stepping over an imaginary line when I mentioned the hoagie roll and then I heard S5 being run in the background on the tv (my sister-in-law and my oldest daughter also love the show) and I decided, this was so not over the line.

Thanks
seanmegansean: 511 JustinGUS admirationseanmegansean on June 4th, 2006 11:19 am (UTC)
YAY for dead Dan and Ron! ROFL
Maria: bunny yayslave_o_spike on June 4th, 2006 12:20 pm (UTC)
Yeah - I can almost see Brian looking in the cage at them and telling them it was their way of giving back to the community (and their fans).

Just wish Justin could have been there...
(no subject) - chrisyeap on June 5th, 2006 12:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on June 5th, 2006 12:53 am (UTC) (Expand)
Still want him in your pack?: cracks up by paddies_alicesprings on June 4th, 2006 12:35 pm (UTC)
Why did I think they were just eating everyone themselves ala Supernatural, and not actually making them into SALEABLE SAUSAGE PRODUCTS, OMG GROSS.

This fic continues to tickle my funny bone. DanRon sausage = priceless!

Can I have some B/J interaction now kthx?? *bats eyelashes*
Maria: My Fandom has chainsawsslave_o_spike on June 4th, 2006 12:42 pm (UTC)
Why did I think they were just eating everyone themselves ala Supernatural, and not actually making them into SALEABLE SAUSAGE PRODUCTS, OMG GROSS.

I thought about that - but how fun is it that it is a top selling breakfast meat on Liberty Ave?

Can I have some B/J interaction now kthx?? *bats eyelashes*

That's coming soon. Promise. Remember, Justin is still resting on Brian's sheets, courtesy of Dan and Ron of course.
fiercediva: Gale fashion challenged trucker hatfiercediva on June 4th, 2006 03:37 pm (UTC)
the gay hills have eyes!
As a fellow film freak and child of the 70s, anyone who namechecks "Soylent Green" in a B/J fanfic is aces in my book. *applauds* This is wonderful stuff.
Maria: My Fandom has chainsawsslave_o_spike on June 4th, 2006 03:47 pm (UTC)
Re: the gay hills have eyes!
God, I love the movies of the 70s. There will probably be other bits of movies in this. (Probably - try definitely!)

And the icon is exactly how I pictured him in this.

Thanks for the fb and I friended ya back.
Total Word Salad: cheersepicallytired on June 4th, 2006 05:06 pm (UTC)
hehehe, they killed dan and ron. BRILLIANT.

and well, so much fun. mikey stupid, ethan greasy...seriously, he's gonna fuck up the fat content in sausage... that's an accomplishment :P

love this stupid little crack!fic. LOVE.
Maria: Frodo doesn't live here anymoreslave_o_spike on June 4th, 2006 07:33 pm (UTC)
hehehe, they killed dan and ron.

It had to be done, really, The question is though did he do it quickly or slowly? Hmmmm....

he's gonna fuck up the fat content in sausage...

They'll have to list extra grams from fat on the side of the package in his batch.

Thanks for the fb!
Rhys1daftpunk on June 4th, 2006 05:13 pm (UTC)
This is the road company for Deliverance. :-)

Maria: Shaun It's on Fandomslave_o_spike on June 4th, 2006 07:35 pm (UTC)
Oh God. I need a kid with the banjo (Hunter maybe?)

Everytime I think of that movie I see Ned Beatty 'squealing like a pig.'

BTW, I friended you back. Thanks!
harkaharka on June 4th, 2006 07:46 pm (UTC)
It was on one of these such excursions that two queers by the names of Dan and Ron had been relieved of the aforementioned bedding by Brian.

Oh, was it that notorious affair when several people had died of food poisoning?
Maria: Justin slave_o_spike on June 4th, 2006 07:52 pm (UTC)
Oh, was it that notorious affair when several people had died of food poisoning?

Yeah, even as sausage, everyone found they're crap hard to swallow.

*snerk*
Chaos..panic..disorder...my work here is done.: prettygayboysjillapet on June 5th, 2006 12:23 am (UTC)
The only bedding they would require was a hoagie roll.

Oh God, we need an icon...

I love the pop culture references, the snark, and the happy, joyous crackaliciousness (is that a word?) of this fic. I am going to pimp it to all my peeps.
Maria: Chicken Little dancingslave_o_spike on June 5th, 2006 12:57 am (UTC)
I would so love an icon! I just don't know who does those who's reading this series.

Crackaliciousness is in the Oxford Unabridged-but-no-one-knows-where-it-is Dictionary.

Thanks!
SATURNsaturn0432 on June 5th, 2006 07:18 am (UTC)
I'm really, really hoping that everything goes perfectly and you get to kill off the greasy little shit. I can't wait for more Brian and Justin scenes.......SATURN
Maria: Clapping Tiggerslave_o_spike on June 5th, 2006 07:24 am (UTC)
The next chapter will have Brian and Justin interaction and Brian will have loads of fun with Ethan - come on - it's me!
(no subject) - saturn0432 on June 5th, 2006 07:26 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on June 5th, 2006 07:31 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - saturn0432 on June 5th, 2006 07:37 am (UTC) (Expand)
kimberbabykimberbaby on June 5th, 2006 04:37 pm (UTC)
"No, he's fine. He's safe. He hasn't been eaten...yet," Brian said with a smile

Let's hope we're on the same path here, Spike. ;)
Maria: Spike makes a lovely corpseslave_o_spike on June 5th, 2006 07:08 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah, we are. The only thing of Justin's that Brian will be eating is his ass.

I friended you back - thanks for the fb. And you can call me Maria - there's only one Spike *sigh*
(Deleted comment)
Maria: See Jimmy Tripslave_o_spike on June 5th, 2006 09:14 pm (UTC)
More to come soon! Thanks for the fb Brie!
callie: freakscallie89 on June 6th, 2006 01:37 am (UTC)
OMFG.............I can't express how much fun this is.

hehehe, They killed Dan and Ron. Now I understand why we haven't heard anything from them since the ending of QAF. HA HA HA..what a perfect touch.
No, he's fine. He's safe. He hasn't been eaten...yet," Brian said with a smile as he turned and walked out of the pen.

The way Brian had said those parting words made Ethan very grateful that Brian had put the bucket there just in time.


Dementingly funny.
Maria: Enter at your own riskslave_o_spike on June 6th, 2006 01:45 am (UTC)
OMFG.............I can't express how much fun this is.

Well, ya just did! Thanks!

I can't wait to have other bit characters and certain *cough cough* writers make their debut in this fic.

Dementingly funny? Dementingly Maria.
(Deleted comment)
Maria: Frodo doesn't live here anymoreslave_o_spike on June 6th, 2006 04:15 am (UTC)
You forgot the "evil" part. Thanks. BTW, I friended you back
penguin88penguin88 on July 2nd, 2006 11:48 pm (UTC)
*shudder* Oh dear. This chapter was rather less funny and more scary - but as I am a hardy reader, I will continue and appreciate the funny when it occurs :). I'm still enjoying your writing style - the pacing and format of your chapters is wonderful and your descriptions are lovely and full of sarcasm and irony.
Maria: Listening to Satanic musicslave_o_spike on July 3rd, 2006 02:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the fb on my writing style - I always love hearing people's opinion on that - I'm curious what they think of that sometimes more than what they think of what I wrote or the plotline.

Rest assured, this is the scariest chapter so far. The rest are extremely zany, kooky, crazy and yes, funny. I had to get past this little part to get onto the rest of the story. I noticed you stopped reading here so I'm just giving you the head's up.

(no subject) - penguin88 on July 3rd, 2006 07:43 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Thistle: Seinfeld-Dingos by marinwoodthistle90 on July 6th, 2006 12:48 am (UTC)
The only bedding they would require was a hoagie roll.

*dies*
Maria: Hello Kitty on a crossslave_o_spike on July 6th, 2006 04:59 am (UTC)
Yep - that was basically everyone's consensus.
(Deleted comment)
Maria: Frodo doesn't live here anymoreslave_o_spike on May 25th, 2007 08:05 pm (UTC)
LOL! Most people couldn't get past commenting on the Dan and Ron part.

Yes, that's our Ethan!
adelais_liliadelais_lili on August 30th, 2007 12:29 pm (UTC)
more spam...but I know how I feel about fb
This part really made me laugh in a creepy kind of way, I mean. Poor Ethan, poor thing. He is now on the bottom of the food-chain. He will be given back to the community, alright.

Off... Hugs. Later.
Maria: cannibal fic I love my spleenless gay soslave_o_spike on August 31st, 2007 06:54 pm (UTC)
Re: more spam...but I know how I feel about fb
Yes, this chapter is a bit creepy. I must admit. But you're still here...

:)
Re: more spam...but I know how I feel about fb - adelais_lili on September 4th, 2007 08:07 am (UTC) (Expand)
rosy5000: Brian Smilerosy5000 on September 15th, 2007 04:40 am (UTC)
hehehehe Ian... *giggle snorts* The one time he probably wished he was slow on the uptake. lol
Maria: cannibal fic I love my spleenless gay soslave_o_spike on September 16th, 2007 10:03 pm (UTC)
Yes, but at least he's still alive here and not a splatter on the sidewalk. LOL!

*pets poor Ethan*

*kicks him because he stole Justin*

*kicks him again*

Thanks!!!
Coll: bryantcolleen2328 on September 4th, 2008 10:09 pm (UTC)
CowLips's just desserts
And Ian's. And Charlton Heston's.
Maria: Justin 101 - dickslave_o_spike on September 11th, 2008 02:13 am (UTC)
Re: CowLips's just desserts
Poor Cowlip.

Poor misguided and soon to be eaten Cowlip.

Someone must take over the series now...
ragejtragejt on September 30th, 2008 03:11 am (UTC)
Haha, if Ethan only knew that the eaten Brian's talking about for Justin isn't exactly what he thinks, lol.
Maria: Justin smilingslave_o_spike on September 30th, 2008 09:12 pm (UTC)
LOL! Yeah.

Well, he'd still be pretty upset...