Maria (slave_o_spike) wrote,

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QaF Cannibal Crack!Fic Update Chapter 7

Okay you guys - here's the next update.

I think this one might be the longest one yet. Enjoy!

Title: Ma, Can I keep him?
Chapter: 7/?
Pairing: B/J, implied E/J; also possibly, inter-species pairing (Hey, we're still not sure of Mikey's parentage)
Rating: R
Warnings: None so far. It is afterall a cannibal fic. Nothing squicky, just allusions to things that might make people uncomfortable. The word 'eviscerate' is used quite a bit.

Disclaimers: I don't own Cowlip or the boys. I don't know where Waldo is - nor do I care.

Summary: This is crack!fic. It is a cannibal crack!fic. It is tongue-in-cheek black humor. This is the warning within the summary. Debbie is the Sweeney Todd type living in some backwater town (not too far from Pittsburgh) with her mentally disturbed son, Mikey (yes, I stuck to canon) and adopted son, Brian. Justin and Ethan are passing through.

Previous Chapters in my memories

Chapter 7

There was a large clapboard house in the middle of town. It was painted a cream color with red sashes and a big green door. It had gingerbread trim and a white picket fence. There was an arbor at the entrance of the path leading up to the house. Begonias grew along the gated entrance.

It was very pretty.

Most people in town knew it as the boarding house or more precisely, the town's final rest home. Brian knew it as Muncher Villa. It was where the lesbians, Mel and Lindsay, lived.

Brian always thought of a house in terms of not only what resided therein, but also of its people and their habits. If Debbie's homestead was Hell, this would be its waiting room.

The only people that Mel and Lindsay catered to were retired people, people in their senior years, who had lived their lives in their own homes and were now content to have someone else take care of them. These same said seniors, enjoying their golden years, would lament about what lay in await for them on the other side - Heaven? Paradise? Who knew. They would lament about these things with Mel and Lindsay, while they in turn provided tea and sympathy. The sympathy was laden with thoughts and hopes for their charges - the tea was laced with a heavy dose of Grade-A arsenic. Mel and Lindsay, being the altruistic, kind-hearted beings they were, felt it their duty to help these people find these things out in a more timely manner and were not adverse to helping things along just a tad. It was never enough arsenic to kill them right away but just enough so that over time there was enough in their system so that one day said boarder would finally get to answer the life-long question - Where do we go from here? And consequently, was it worth it?

So was it any wonder that Mel and Lindsay felt it their right to relieve the seniors that they "helped" along of some of their funds? IRAs? Social Security benefits?

They thought not.


"Huh?" Brian looked down into Justin's blue eyes. They had just had a very satisfying frottage session that turned into an all-out fuck session in the field at the back of the homstead.

"Do we have to go see the lesbians? Debbie said we had to, but I'm alittle scared. They sound unstable."

Unstable was an understatement in Brian's opinion.

"Yeah, Sunshine. I have to get things straightened out with them or this shit will never stop," Brian said while standing up and pulling Justin up with him. He brushed all the pollen off his overalls. When he did this, Justin started to scrunch his nose and wipe at it furiously. Brian thought he could fuck him all over again in that moment.

As they walked into town, Brian took note of the fact that he was really starting to care for the boy. He wanted to do something for the boy so that he would always remember him, no matter where he went, or who he was with.

Nothing too romantic - because Brian Kinney didn't do romance. He wasn't about ready to spray paint the the side of the barn with the words SUNSHINE in Ian's blood yet, or ever for that matter, but something he would remember him by. Besides, he doubted Justin would appreciate that sentiment. Which brought up another point that Brian would eventually have to address - when Justin would remember who it was he was forgetting.

During Brian's discussion in his head, Justin had to wonder one more time, what the Hell it was he was trying to remember. Something was there and he just couldn't put his finger on it.

Oh well, he thought, it would come to him - these things had a way of popping back up at the most unlikeliest of times - when he did remember it, he'd probably laugh because it wasn't that important to begin with.

Brian and Justin both reached the door to Muncher Villa, as Brian had called it before. Brian lifted his hand to knock but before he did, he turned to Justin.

"Look, if they offer you tea, just say no, okay? Just ask for a Pepsi instead."

"Okay - tea? Who the fuck does tea anymore? Can I have a Mountain Dew instead?"

"Sure - oh and, don't get too put off by Mel - or Lindsay," and the way he said that put Justin off already. Brian started to chuckle. "They really are a fun pair when you get to know them." Brian stopped laughing and then went to knock. A short, brown-haired woman with a very scary scowl on her face answered the door.

"LINDSAY! IT'S THE ASSHOLE!" Melanie then turned and walked away.

Brian turned and looked at Justin. He mouthed the words, 'Don't drink the tea' once again.

Taking into account what Brian had just warned him about at the door, and the brick earlier that morning, and the nasty woman at the door and her 'pleasant' welcome and the pretty blond woman sitting on the couch who had a distinct nervous condition because her head was bobbing very slightly, Justin decided to take a mental inventory of where all the exits were. When his best friend, Daphne, was seven, she was in a movie theatre when there was a fire. Ever since then, whenever her and Justin went anywhere, she took note of all the exit routes.

Justin had always been fine with that, however he thought she was being a bit paranoid when it came to phone booths.

"Hello Brian," the pretty blonde woman with the slightly twitching head said.

Suddenly the little woman came up next to Justin causing him to jump when she addressed him. "So, what are you? The boy scout that helped Brian cross the street?"

"This is Justin," Brian said while taking hold of Justin and pulling him back to rest across his chest. "Justin, this is Mel," he said indicating the short woman, "and Lindsay," indicating the other woman.

"I just started the tea. It should be a few mintutes," said Mel.

"Actually I'm fine, but Justin would like a Mountain Dew."

"I don't have Mountain Dew. We're going to have tea, like civilized people," Mel said while enunciating her words more clearly.

Justin jumped in at that moment. "I'm sorry - I don't drink tea. Can I just have a Pepsi?"

"I said we're gonna have tea! Tea! Tea! Now get in there, sit down and shut the fuck up! You'll drink the fucking tea!"

"No! I don't want tea," Justin was getting alittle scared of the woman. "I want a Goddammed Pepsi!"

Brian leaned over and whispered into Justin's ear

"In a can."

Brian leaned over and whispered again.


"Give the kid a Pepsi, Mel," Brian sniped.

"Mel? Honey, give him a Pepsi," Lindsay said. Brian had taken note that Lindsay's head was twitching just a wee bit more since the confrontation. Great. This little talk was going to get ugly. Mel had something planned.

Mel walked off, came back a minute later with a Pepsi and handed it to Justin. They all sat down on the couches provided.

"Brian, I'm glad you could come over so we could talk like civilized people in a rational and calm atmosphere," Lindsay began.

"And Mel's here because...?" Brian said.

Lindsay turned her attention to Justin. "So Justin. You're quite young. Are you in school?"

"Yes, the Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts. I'm an artist."

Brian smiled at that. He had seen the kid sketch parts of the homestead. He had also sketched Brian quite a few times sans overalls. He was very good.

"Oh really? You must be very talented to get in there. I'm an artist, you know."

Brian had to bite his lips here.

"Are you? What have you created?" Justin sat up just a bit more. He always liked to meet fellow artists.

"They're up on the walls, around you," Lindsay indicated while swiveling her head. Justin then took the time to actually notice the artwork adorning the walls.

There were four pieces total and they were all smiley faces. Justin got up to look more closely at the works of 'art.' The smiles were made up of dentures arranged in a curve that when looked at from afar resembled a smile, but when observed up close, it looked like a sinister grin. And the eyes were made up of...

"Uh Lindsay? Are those pace-makers?"

"Yes - I find it better to work with the raw materials I have been provided with."

Justin sat down. It was all too surreal. If a dwarf walked in at that precise moment talking backwards and offering him a piece of cherry pie, he wouldn't have been caught off-guard half as much as he was looking at the strange artwork and its 'raw' materials.

"I prefer to work with acrylics," Justin said.

"Ah, a traditionalist. Did you see the swimmers with the smiley faces on the cup? That was me," Lindsay said with her chin held high.

"Oh, that was you? Those were cute."

"I think so." Lindsay then turned her attention to Brian. "Brian, I trust you have come to discuss what I want in a civil manner."

"Yeah, right, civil," Brian chuckled. "I'm responding to your terrorist tactics. See, if I give in and give you the sperm, then I figure I've let you win. My principles just won't allow me to do that. So, no, I'm not giving you my sperm," Brian said while shrugging and walking away.

"Brian! Please! We've known each other too long for this. You need to be more reasonable about this. If you donate your sperm, Mel and I could finally bring forth life. I want to be part of that Brian. I want to have what all the other happy, hetero couples get to experience - life!" Lindsay said while trying to over dramatize the moment.

Brian looked at Lindsay. This was possibly the calmest he's seen her in a long time. She must have been rehearsing that speech for awhile.

Christ, kids. Brian could never see why bringing forth 'life' as Lindsay so succinctly put it was a good thing. Brian dealt in death - the hypocrisy would be too much to handle. He could never reconcile both sides. And he couldn't even imagine how he would approach his progeny later in life. "Well Sonny Boy, you come from a long line of cannibals. Can you say Can-ni-bal?" or "This is the proper way to detach the spinal cord from the body," possibly while using sock-puppets during his demonstrations. And then there were the Christmas cards that Debbie would insist on, complete with a family photo with the words saying "Merry Christmas from the Fifth Ring of Hell."

"No Lindsay, I stand by my decision," Brian said while leveling his gaze with hers. "You know, you could ask Mikey. I'm sure Debbie would be ever-so-thrilled with a grandchild."

"Brian, I don't believe in DE-evolution," Lindsay said while shaking her head, The twitch, Brian noticed,was back.

"Yeah," Mel intervened, "if somewhere in the far future, our planet does turn into the Planet of the Apes, they could probably trace the missing link back to Mikey."

"I'm not doing it. That's it. Stop with the harassment - Debbie's getting pissed," Brian said and got up.

"I've had enough of listening to this shit," Mel screamed. She then pulled something long from behind her back. "Linds, hold him down!" Mel screamed.

"Oh God, Brian! It's's a turkey baster!!!! It's an ambush!" Justin shouted. "Run, Brian Run!"

Brian picked Justin up and put him in a fireman's carry. He cursed whatever it was that made him trust two lesbians on a sperm-retrieval-mission. He ran for the nearest exit, which strangely enough, Justin pointed him to right away.

He could hear Lindsay trying to reason with Mel who was chasing him through the house with the baster. As Brian and Justin reached the front door and opened it to make their getaway, Ben was standing there ready to knock.

"Why hello Brian!" Ben then turned to Justin and leaned over so he could be face to face. "And Justin, wasn't it?"

"Yes, Ben. How are you?"

"Good. Good. Can't complain. I was passing through and I really needed to use the facilities so I thought I'd come over here."

Brian put Justin down and Brian told Ben about what was going on. Ben went inside and standing against the fire place, was a very-rabid looking Mel, armed only with the turkey baster.

"Now, Mel, is this true?"

"Maybe," Mel shrugged while hiding the utensil behind her back.

"Mel - drop the turkey baster. We can all talk about this like calm, rational adults."

Mel dropped the baster in front of her.

"Now, kick it over to me." Mel kicked it and Ben retrieved the utensil.

"Okay, I'll be right back. I'm going to relieve myself and then we'll all sit down and talk - come to some sort of detente." Ben then walked out of the room. Everyone continued to stare at each other. Brian thought Lindsay's head must have been sitting on the San Andreas Fault the way it was now trembling.

An 'Oh my God!' could be heard from the bathroom and Ben came running back into the living room holding what appeared to be a black bottle of arsenic. "Look what I found in your bathroom - and not just one empty bottle - but twenty! Twenty!"

Brian looked on dumbfounded. How can anyone be so stupid as to not hide the evidence Brian had to ask himself.

Mel was doing a great impression of a deer-in-the-headlights.

Lindsay's head was currently doing about 8.5 on the Richter Scale.

Ben suddenly calmed down. "Okay, guys, I know some people think these things aren't important, but do you understand the implications of what you're doing? I don't think I can stand by and watch what is going on here quietly."

Mel kept shuffling back and forth on her feet. "Um..."

"The earth is now going through the first stages of global warming. We," and Ben used his arms to indicate everyone in the room, "are using resources that are depleting the planet at an astounding rate. We continue to drive vehicles that consume fossil fuels that are putting by-products in the atmosphere that are contributing to the death of the planet. We all need to do our part, even if it's in some little way." Ben looked down at the empty bottle of arsenic. "Even something like recycling. Would it kill you to throw your empty bottles in a recycling bin? It's really not that hard."

Brian, Mel and Lindsay continued to look at Ben incredulously. Brian suddenly remembered why it wasn't such a bad idea to eat people.

"You want me recycle? You're upset because I don't recycle?" Mel started to laugh and then stopped abruptly. "Hey, who the fuck are you? You come into my home and insinuate that I'm not a good person because I don't recycle?"

"Now Mel, I didn't say you weren't a good person. I'm just suggesting that you take a more pro-active approach in helping the earth be a better place to live."

"Who the fuck are you? Al-fucking-Gore?! Fuck. You!!"

"Come on Mel, be reasonable here..."

"No! This is my house. In fact...," Mel grabbed Justin's can of Pepsi.

"Hey! I had to go through alot to get that!"

Mel dumped the rest of the Pepsi into the sink and threw the can in the garbage can. "There!"

Ben started walking toward the can. "Don't you dare touch that can Ben. I'm serious."

"I'm serious too Mel. This is just silly."

"Silly? Oh you want silly?" Mel ran to the refrigerator and started taking all the yokes off the cans of Pepsi.

"You didn't say you had Dr Pepper," Justin said.

Mel ran off with the yokes to the bathroom. "I'm flushing the yokes down the toilet!" Mel could be heard screaming. She came running back into the room. "They're on their way out to sea as we speak. Think of all the fish I'm killing right now Ben."

Mel started running through the house with Ben following her. She was screaming at the top of her lungs. "I'm turning all the lights on in the house!" and "I'm leaving the water running!"

As Mel went on her maniacal anti-environment streak with Ben following close behind turning off lights and water, Lindsay had returned to a state of normal, suffering only minor aftershocks.

Justin looked at Brian. "What had been in the bottle?"

Brian realized Justin didn't know it had been an empty bottle of arsenic. "Mouthwash. Prescription mouthwash. Mel has a bad case of halitosis. Smells like something died in there."

Justin scrunched his nose and said he needed to use the bathroom. Lindsay pointed the way to the other bathroom, the one not filled with empty arsenic bottles.

"Lindsay, there was something I wanted to ask you now that your husband is off arguing with our oh-so-PC constable."

Lindsay turned and fixed Brian with an intense stare. "Go on Brian."

Brian was trying to but found the words physically impossible to come out. "What did Mel do...for you how she care...for you? What specific thing do you...remember....gesture, something she said, something she did....whatever." Brian scratched the back of his head as he always did when he had to say something that he found hard to express.

Lindsay looked at Brian alittle more closely. "Brian! In all my time that I've known you - you actually care for the boy, don't you?"

"Care is such a strong word...," Brian said. "Just answer the question."

"Well, it was about eight years ago. We got an official call and Mel said we had to go to Philly right away. Mel had a frantic look on her face the whole drive there. When we got there, instead of going to her family home, we went to the city morgue. She was asked by the official if she was the next of kin. I found out it was Mel's Grandmother who had died. It was a very tragic accident. Mel was so upset."

"How was she killed?"

"An anvil was dropped on her. Now Brian, stop laughing - that's not funny."

"Was the word ACME written on the side and dropped on her by a coyote?" Brian continued laughing.

"Brian, this is serious," but as Lindsay said this she slipped and started to giggle. "Anyways, they needed Mel to identify the body, and it was - it was horrible Brian!"

Brian knew exactly how grotesque a mangled human body appeared. Of course, he was usually responsible for it.

"She just stared at the body. Then she looked down at her Grandmother's hand. She turned to me and said, 'Lindsay, my grandmother meant for me to have her ring and I was going to give it to you, under different circumstances of course, but I can't think of a better time to do this but now.' She reached over to the now dead woman's hand and slid the ring off her finger. Of course, the finger came off along with the ring." Brian noted how Lindsay's head shook ever so-slightly again. "Once she pulled the appendage from the ring - and wiped the excess blood and gore from it - she slid it on my finger. Then over her Grandmother's corpse, she told me how much she loved me and how we should be together, forever. We hugged and kissed until the orderly came back in and told us to leave - he mumbled something about people and their kinky fetishes."

Brian stared back at Lindsay who had a far away look on her face. "Wow, okay! That was very...romantic - in a twisted, fucked up way." Brian was trying desperately not to laugh.

"Brian! You're a disgusting pig!"

"I'm disgusting? You just told me a story about how Mel gave you the ring she took off a human meatball."

Just then Justin came back into the room. "What'd I miss?"

"You really don't want to know," Brian deadpanned. "Well, me and Justin are off."

At that moment, Mel came running back into the main room spraying a can of Aqua Net hair spray and filling the air with a horrible stench.

"Look! Look! I'm depleting the ozone here! I'm a nasty-evil-ozone-depleting-lesbian!!!"

Ben came running in after her. "Now Mel, stop that. Studies indicate that the ozone is repairing itself. Now come on." Ben managed to corral Mel in a corner and lean down to look into her face. "Now, Mel, let's all just take a deep breath. Can you do that for me, huh?"

"Breathe this, Asshole!" And then Mel let Ben have a face full of hair spray.

"Okay, that's it," and Ben made the horrible mistake of grabbing Mel around the shoulders.

"Oh! Oh! Police Brutality! Police Brutality!" Mel kept shouting. Ben then let go while Mel kept screaming. "ATT-I-CA! ATT-I-CA!"

"Hey, Mel. Now come on - I support prisoner's basic human rights. Come on, settle down."

Brian looked over at Lindsay, who had a resigned look on her face. "Well, the lad and I are most definitely leaving now. Thank you for a splendid afternoon, as always, it's been so entertaining." Brian grabbed Justin and started to leave.


"Yes, Lindsay?"

"Think about what I said. This is what I want. Don't fuck with me on this one."

Brian looked back at Lindsay. "Lindsay - don't threaten me. I know things about you too. There's nothing you can hold over my head."

Lindsay then shot a look at Justin. Brian saw the glance and tightened his hold on the boy just a bit more.

"Don't be so sure," and with that Brian and Justin left. Brian would have to keep an eye on Lindsay. Mel may have been the unstable one but Lindsay was far more craftier.

Putting aside everything that had transpired at Muncher Villa, he now knew what he needed to do for Justin in order to show what he meant to him. That Brian was there, had been there, and that no matter where Justin may end up, Brian would always be there with him - on him, if you will. Brian had figured out the perfect piece of adornment for Justin. He had first thought about using a choker made out of garroting wire, twisted in such a way that it was neither too tight nor too loose - so that every time he moved in just the right way, it would cut into him leaving a very pretty trickle of blood. But then he thought better of it - he didn't like the idea of hurting Justin and the thought of cutting into him and leaving scars was just not an option. It did confirm though to Brian that he had a bit of a kink.

He then thought of a collar made from a motorcycle chain, the chain on the very same motorcycle he and Ian had rode in on. He could weld it into place so it would stay on him forever. However, the oil left over on the chain would forever rub against his skin and he could never clean it off. Brian could almost see a very frustrated Justin standing in front of mirrors, trying desperately to dispel the offending oil. No, that wouldn't do either. Of course, Brian discovered inadvertently that he had another kink.

No, he didn't want something that would mark him in the physical sense, but something that would mark him in a more personal way. A choker that Justin could wear or not wear, but whenever he did, he would look at it and remember Brian having made it for him.

That's when he got the perfect idea. He would have to work all night on it but it would be exquisite - just like Justin.

And he knew exactly where to get the raw materials from.


Feedback is welcome - I'll keep Mel on a leash so she doesn't bit ya!

Go to Chapter 8
Tags: cannibal fic

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