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26 January 2010 @ 11:25 pm
Orlibean one-shot "Letters to Sean" prequel to prequel  
So I think I told some people that I had a crazy idea for a prequel for the prequel in the Socio!Sean and Socio!Orlando verse. So this is the prequel to A Shift in the Usual which is a prequel to What to do when you're doing hard time.

Title: Letters to Sean
Pairing: future Orlibean
Rating: PG-13? Maybe.
Warnings: implied graphic violence, disturbing images but all around good fun.

Summary: These are the letters a star struck Orlando wrote to Sean (which we know didn't get sent to him but these are them all the same).

Disclaimer: I don't own the boys or a sane thought in my head.

October 15, 2008

Dear Mr. Bean,

Should I actually call you Mr. Bean? When I think of Mr. Bean, I think of that silly little troll Rowen Atkinson and you are certainly no silly little troll.

So from now on, I shall address you as Sean.

I hope I'm not being too forward.

While reading an account of one of your first victims, I couldn't help but get a small thrill down my spine while devouring the details of that little incident. I didn't know one could hollow a human head out in that fashion.

The forensic expert went into practically step-by-step instructions on how you achieved that feat. That by no means could have been easy.

I think I've never cum so hard in my life. It left me positively breathless!

It made me giggle contemplating about how much fun you could be at Halloween and how you might improvise if there were no pumpkins available to you.

I have enclosed a small photo of myself. It's nothing much. My cousin Bast is into photography and he's been bugging me about letting him shoot me. Anyway, it's just so you know who you're talking to and that I'm not some 500 pound shut-in who's just bored and has nothing better to do than write to you.

Your greatest admirer in every sense of the word,

Orlando Bloom

November 5, 2008

Dear Sean,

You know, you look like a Sean. I've always loved that name. And you look so handsome in the mugshot they keep running on the telly.

I've heard people say they can actually see death in your eyes.

I just think they're a lovely shade of green.

Another forensic expert has written their thesis based on you.

I didn't like his account as much. What a sanctimonious arsehole he was!

I thought it quite clever the way you dispatched of that Viper full of B movie bimbos actresses. The thought you must have put into each of their murders! You must have watched every one of their direct-to-video horror movies to know how they each died in them and then to reproduce them in such detail!

My hats off to you.

But the topper was that you stapled a toe tag to each one of the bodies, with an actual body count number!


I was in a cold sweat and my body shivered as I read the account and pictured you in my mind, carrying out your arduous task.

Yes, Sean, in case you haven't guessed, I am quite enamored with you. I'm not just a fan of your work, but of you, the man yourself.

I hope you don't find this displeasing.

And to make sure you know how I feel, I had Bast shoot another photo of myself. I can be seen here sprawled out on one of his faux fur rugs, the sheet hiding certain parts of my body. I kept letting the sheet slip to show off my attributes but my cousin kept rearranging the sheet. Bast says less is more sometimes.

Well I must go. I have a 'date' I must get ready for so it's off to the grocery store.

Yours in matters of the heart,


P.S. What do you find severs human flesh better? A carving knife or a chef's knife?

January 3, 2009

My dearest Sean,

I am so irate right now I can't even write this letter properly!

How dare that simpleton criminologist who wrote another one of your accounts actually doubt your body of work!

To call it puerile and amateurish made me want to find the man myself and show him that he was the simpleton who couldn't appreciate fine art if it came up and bit him on his flabby arse!

I thought it bloody brilliant! I may be no Peta spokesperson, but they do have bear skin rugs.

Why not human ones?

Bloody brilliant if you ask me.

But I must confess, it did get me rather hot again reading about that account.

I was so turned on, thinking about the way you must have wielded that knife, I rushed right over to my cousin Bast's studio and had him take the next picture which you should find enclosed.

Do you like it? Are the ropes tight enough?

Thinking about you while he took that picture of me put me in a horrible state. I imagined you tightening the ropes yourself.

I fear my love for you will burst soon. Why haven't you written back? Do you not find me appealing?

Well, I'm off again. I have another 'date.'

Which is actually frustrating. I'm not really that hungry tonight.

Yours in every sense of the word,


P.S. I would send you my heart if I could, but would you settle for someone else's?

February 16, 2009

Dear Mom,

I'm worried about Orlando.

As you know, he's been dating quite a lot of women lately. But that doesn't seem to be the problem.

One of the women, who I happened to accidentally meet, was, I'm sorry to say, one of the Casanova Cadavers.

Can you imagine?! Well, she certainly wouldn't have gotten into that sort of trouble had she stuck with Orli.

I hope he doesn't find out about this. It would probably crush him. You know how sensitive he can be. He's such a sweet kid.

But that's not what I'm really worried about.

I found him writing letters to that dreadful Sean Bean.

My little brother! Writing letters to that mad man in prison!

Of course, I've been intercepting the letters and throwing them away. Orli certainly doesn't need to encourage that psycho. When I confronted Orli about it, he became quite upset and stormed off.

But he did come to me later and apologize. He said it was just a phase and that he was bored. That it was probably a silly thing to do anyway and he didn't know what he was thinking.

I never actually read the letters but now I must say I am quite curious what he could possibly find to have in common with that man.

Well, I guess I'll never know.

There is some good news though. He's been spending more time with Bast. You know how he's been wanting to take photos of him. I think Orli should really consider a career in modeling. I swear that boy has it in him to be famous one day!

Also, he has another date tonight so that's a good thing too.

I just hope he finds someone who's right for him, that special someone.

I know it'll happen one day.

Your loving daughter,



Feedback is love. Unless you want to never speak to me again right about now. *runs and hides*

Current Mood: deviousdevious
legolas_is_minelegolas_is_mine on January 27th, 2010 08:00 am (UTC)
I love these so much... Orlando makes such a "good" sociopath, now that I think about it, and you capture the mood very well.

I'd love to get to know socio!sean and orli better, if your muses are so inclined!!
Maria: Orlando - Thank You!slave_o_spike on February 5th, 2010 06:57 am (UTC)
I might just visit these two again since they seem to be such a big hit. :)

He does make a good sociopath. I think he should seriously play one in a movie and jumpstart his career.

And thank you! What wonderful fb! :)
liriel1810 on January 27th, 2010 08:17 am (UTC)
snork! What a cute little fanboy! And how unsuspecting is Sam? Family are the last to know when you go psycho, yeah? *g*

Very amusing.
Maria: Jaws - We need a bigger boatslave_o_spike on February 5th, 2010 06:59 am (UTC)
Family are the last to know when you go psycho, yeah? *g*


Hey, wait a minute. Why do you ask that like I would know? *looks around* *makes sure freezer door is locked*

Thanks liriel. :)
(Deleted comment)
Maria: Baby!Orli (Underage)slave_o_spike on February 5th, 2010 07:00 am (UTC)
Oh yeah. Sean needed to be blindsided by Orli. LOL!

And yes, I think we can safely say Orli is not just the sweet boy from Canterbury.

Thank you!!!!
ireth06ireth06 on January 27th, 2010 12:31 pm (UTC)
Just shows you how "normal" spychopaths really are! *g*
Gerat minds think a like... *g*
Wonderful touch there with the last letter!

Brilliant hun!
Just bloody brilliant!
Maria: Bigfoot - I believeslave_o_spike on February 5th, 2010 07:02 am (UTC)
Thank you!!!!

And yeah, great minds think alike and it would surprise you just how normal psychos could be...

Okay, not that I would...you know...know...

Shutting up now.
Doylebaby: Orlando - b&wdoylebaby on January 27th, 2010 01:42 pm (UTC)
P.S. I would send you my heart if I could, but would you settle for someone else's?

*snorts* I doubt that Sean would mind.

Oh those meddling siblings!
Maria: Baby!Orli (Underage)slave_o_spike on February 13th, 2010 01:52 am (UTC)
I don't know where my mind's been at and how I missed these! LOL!

Anywho thank you!!!

Sean wouldn't mind, I think you're right on that account and yeah, Sam went and screwed up the whole picture I had going of Sean hanging these erotic photos of Orli up in his cell - like the one of him tied up...


Where was I?
mistry89mistry89 on January 27th, 2010 04:07 pm (UTC)
I have always supposed that the old "family is the last to know" thing is because those closest to you have become accustomed to your "quirks" over years and years, so a gradual slide into extreme eccentricity (or even illness), is difficult to spot.

Poor Sam - I wonder if she later had an Oops moment?
Thank you!
Maria: Baby!Orlislave_o_spike on February 13th, 2010 01:54 am (UTC)
Sorry this is late. LOL!

Yeah, it's true. The family is the last to know because they know you so well. (I have a few more years before my family figures things out...)

She had a very BIG oops moment. And luckily for her, Orli forgave her for the letters.

Thank you!!!
woowoochow on January 27th, 2010 04:12 pm (UTC)
great prequel loved the letters, too bad sam got involved and sean never saw them
Maria: Sean Bean slave_o_spike on February 13th, 2010 01:55 am (UTC)
I know!!! Like I told doylebaby, I have this fantasy of Sean hanging those pics in his cell and jerking off to them at night.

Thank you!!! (Sorry this is so late)
Dorian: mello assistdorian on January 27th, 2010 04:16 pm (UTC)
sociopaths indeed !! It made me giggle like a stupid school girl.Of course that's because I was reading this instead of doing some silly tees..Or I would have laughed with an evil maniac delighted loud sound !! Oh My God that's so good Maria ! you HAVE to write a full lenght story out of this.PLEASE,please...Like orlando I take so much pleasure at reading your little crimes...eh eh !! MORE PLEASE.And remember you said you had the cannibal's story already done;WHy is it not posted ? Uh...WHY ???
Maria: Orlando sighingslave_o_spike on February 13th, 2010 01:57 am (UTC)
Yes, I do have the cannibal fic ending but all will come in good time. *whistles*

A full length story, eh? I do love this verse so much. :)

It disturbs me a bit to know I write sociopaths so well. :P Thanks Aida!
Doriantdorian on February 13th, 2010 09:56 am (UTC)
"in good time" ? Maria, please...I've been waiting for ages.You sure you can't share it now ? I mean, is it all written ?I SO miss this story...*pleading eyes*
And yes this verse is amazing.Why should you be disturbed about writing sociopaths so well ? As long as you don't become one I don't see any problem with that ! lol So, are we in for the ALL Sean/Orli story ?
I'm pushy right ? eh eh...
cerencae: 1 scarf two scarfcerencae on January 27th, 2010 04:26 pm (UTC)
I know that 'sweet' and 'adorable' are probably the wrong words to use to describe a serial killer verse, but OMG, Orlando is just so cute! I can just imagine how crushed fanboy!Orlando was when he found out Sean didn't get any of his letters.
It's so weirdly sweet.

I don't know where you got your sense of humor from, but it is fantastic, don't ever lose it.
Maria: Baby!Orli (Underage)slave_o_spike on January 31st, 2010 09:42 am (UTC)
He was a bit sad but also relieved because he put himself so out there. :P

He is sweet and adorable...and psychotic and a danger to have around the house where cutlery abounds. LOL! Thank you!!!!
alluranna: Heldalluranna on January 27th, 2010 06:28 pm (UTC)
Orli is such a fanboy! LOL I loved it!!!
Maria: Orlando Bloom PoTC AWEslave_o_spike on January 31st, 2010 09:40 am (UTC)
I know! I bet he put pictures of Sean up on his wall. :)

Thank you!
Jackiejackieville on January 27th, 2010 07:55 pm (UTC)
Brilliant! *adores*
Maria: Baby!Orlislave_o_spike on January 31st, 2010 09:39 am (UTC)
Why thank you! *hugs you*
gattodoro: Flauntgattodoro on January 27th, 2010 08:19 pm (UTC)
Is it sick and wrong that I was grinning from ear-to-ear as I read Orlando's "letters"? *Nods* probably yes - keep me away form the knives!

P.S. I hope the meddling sister got her comeuppance?)
Maria: Baby!Orli (Underage)slave_o_spike on January 31st, 2010 09:39 am (UTC)
Naw, Orli couldn't do anything to Sam. Besides, he was a bit relieved to find the letters never got to Sean.

And yeah, we're a bit demented for liking these two.

But can you blame us? LOL! Thanks!
only_one_girl: pic#52564141only_one_girl on January 28th, 2010 01:51 am (UTC)
Great letters! But I'm kind of glad that Sean didn't get them because I love the fact that Sean was actually nervous about impressing him when they first met. If he'd only known ...

More, please! :D
Maria: Orlando - Thank You!slave_o_spike on January 31st, 2010 09:37 am (UTC)
Exactly! I like the way Sean was so nervous before meeting Orli, like he didn't know if he would like him or not.

Thank you!!!
al: al's dark Orlando iconalliwantisanelf on May 20th, 2011 10:36 pm (UTC)
All I can say is it's a good thing Sam didn't open the letters and see the pictures! Talk about having a scar for life!

The first thing out of his mouth had to be, "You didn't OPEN them, did you?????"

Some people are far too trusting, including Sam, and Mom, and apparently a whole crew of Casanova's Cadavers.

Love this plot idea! Can't wait to read the rest!


Edited at 2011-05-20 10:37 pm (UTC)