I hired some competent help and I even hired someone who used to work for me so I might just get some time to myself soon.
Here's the next chapter if anyone hasn't lost interest yet!
Title: Ma, Can I keep him?
Pairing: B/J, implied E/J; also possibly, inter-species pairing (Hey, we're still not sure of Mikey's parentage)
Warnings: It is afterall a cannibal fic. Nothing squicky, just allusions to things that might make people uncomfortable. The word 'eviscerate' is used quite a bit.
Disclaimers: I don't own Cowlip, the boys, Barbra, Alex Trebek or a sane mind.
Summary: This is crack!fic. It is a cannibal crack!fic. It is tongue-in-cheek black humor. This is the warning within the summary. Debbie is the Sweeney Todd type living in some backwater town (not too far from Pittsburgh) with her mentally disturbed son, Mikey (yes, I stuck to canon) and adopted son, Brian. Justin and Ethan are passing through.
Previous Chapters in my memories
"Is that...is that a filling? And right there...is that...but...is that a cavity?"
Brian stared at the boy. He knew no matter how careful he had been he would inevitably have forgotten something. But what was he to say to Justin.
Well, you see, Justin, I'm a cannibal but that doesn't make me a bad person.
No, that wouldn't do - didn't even sound like him.
When you think of Debbie's Delicacies, think 'Soylent Green.'
No, that wouldn't do either. The kid probably never even saw the movie.
I eviscerate people and grind them into sausage. But don't take it personally, its just business
Now that had potential.
He could just try and backtrack and let the kid think he was mistaken into thinking they were teeth.
But that wouldn't do either.
Brian realized a long time ago that sometimes telling the truth would work out for the best in the end. He just hoped he wouldn't have to get rid of the kid. He convinced himself it was only because the kid was a fine piece of ass. He sometimes wasn't very good at even convincing even himself.
"You see, I'm a cannibal. Debbie and Vic sell sausages that are made out of people. Those teeth belong to someone that we tortured, killed and ground up into sausage. If it helps any though, he was a real asshole."
Justin stared blankly at Brian. Brian didn't like that look. The tension had suddenly been broken when Justin started to sputter and then break out into fits of laughter.
"God, you had me going there for a second," Justin said while wagging his finger in Brian's direction. "I thought you were going to tell me something profound and then you come up with that shit! God Brian! Be serious here."
Well, Brian thought, he tried.
Never underestimate the amount of truth people are willing to handle.
"The teeth...they're mine."
Brian thought this was not a complete lie as they were his teeth technically. He pulled them out of Shawn's head and possession being 9/10's of the law and all that, the teeth were pretty much his.
"Yours? Yours." Justin looked down at the choker. "They're your baby teeth?"
"Yeah, sure, okay." Brian said while scratching the back of his head. Hey, Brian thought, Justin said it, not him.
"Oh my God! These are your baby teeth? You are such a freak!"
Brian looked up at that moment.
"This is the freakiest, strangest, most off-the-wall...," Justin then walked up to Brian and put his arms around his neck while he started to kiss him on the lips. "It's also the sweetest, most romantic..."
"I don't do romance," Brian cut off while touching noses with Justin's. They started kissing and getting more intimate when Debbie came around the back, Ted in tow.
"Brian! Brian! I want you to go into town now and take Ted with you!"
"Yes now!" Debbie stood with her hands on her hips then pointed to Justin. "Take Sunshine with you. You'll love Emmett's house baby," Debbie said while looking at Justin.
Brian, Justin and Ted walked over to Brian's truck.
"Can I drive the truck?"
"No, Ted. The mortality rate is already pretty high for this area."
As Justin was stepping into the truck, one of his overall buckles broke and snapped off.
"Shit!" Justin looked down. One side of his overalls was drooping down exposing part of his chest and the very top of his hip bone. Brian and Ted stopped to take in the sight. "Now what?"
Brian found his voice again. "Um, we'll have Emmett fix it when we get there." By this point in time, Brian had seen Justin in every position possible and with not a stitch on, however there was something extremely alluring about a Justin in overalls that were barely holding on.
Ted kept staring at Justin and then looked up. "Emmett can sew."
Brian thought that was an understatement.
They climbed into the truck. Justin scooched as close to Brian as he could while Ted kept inching as close as he could next to Justin.
"You're a real blonde." Brian and Justin turned to look at Ted as he was gazing down into Justin's overalls.
"Ted! Slide over next to the window!"
Ted slid over and Justin relaxed. Brian drove into town. After a while, he pulled into the driveway of a run-down mansion. To say that the mansion and it's exterior was an anomaly was an understatement. It probably had been quite the showcase in its day but now it was strewn with plastic flamingoes and garish lawn ornaments giving the once ivy-covered mansion a very kitschy feeling.
"Well, here we are!" Brian sarcastically said. Brian hated visiting Emmett at his 'humble abode' as he liked to call it.
To understand where Emmett lived, one had to know a little something about its previous owner, George Shickel. George Shickel, the owner of Shickel's Pickles, had left his family in Pittsburgh to finish the rest of his days out in the tiny hamlet. He bought a large mansion on several acres of countryside, where he spent most of his days in the company of his companion, Emmett.
Emmett had managed to keep George apprised of all the many going-ons of the town, including who and where to stay away from unless, and he made this very clear to George, Emmett was accompanying him. The only time George was to go over to Debbie's for dinner was as their guest, his and Emmett's, thus ensuring that George was one of the diners, and not the main entree. He also said that living with Mel and Lindsay was highly over-rated. It was because of Emmett's helpful information and tutelage, that George Shickel had the distinction of being the only elderly citizen of the town who died in his own home of a heart attack, and not an accumulation of arsenic in his bloodstream, not that the townspeople would know of any such things as this happening in their tiny town.
Emmett was not at any liberty to discuss the details of his passing but what the townspeople also didn't know (and only a handful of people did) was that George also had the distinction of dying with a smile on his face.
"Hi! Hi!" Emmett said as he opened the door. "Oh sweetie! Don't you just look like the cutest thing and I just love what you've done with your overalls!" Emmett started to look fixedly at Justin's partially clad body.
"Actually, dear, I was hoping you could fix this for the lad," Brian indicated the broken buckle.
"Oh, if you insist! Here, take off your overalls sweetie and Auntie Em will fix them right up," and Emmett snapped his fingers.
"Um, could I have something to wear while you're fixing them?" Justin asked turning slightly red in the face.
"Oh hon! We're all men here." Emmett looked over to where Ted was standing and noticed if he didn't get something to wear for Justin, Ted might drool over the very pricey leopard print rug.
Emmett left and came back with a pair of green, velvet flare pants.
"And just who do you think is going to wear those?" Brian asked while clenching his teeth. Brian wished he had his skinning knife with him at that particular moment. He just couldn't abide such fashion atrocities as those pants.
"They're only for a little while - just until I'm done sewing on his buckle, for God's sake." Emmett then put his hand on his hip.
"Here, let Justin wrap this fabric around his bottom instead," Brian said while handing Justin the material Debbie had instructed them to drop off to Emmett's.
"But if he wears it, I'll have to wash it later!" Emmett said with a pout.
"I gave the kid an hour-long rim job this morning - trust me, he's clean," Brian said with a smirk.
Ted slumped his shoulders. "I hate my life."
Justin wrapped the fabric around his bottom half and Emmett fixed the buckle. As Justin was putting his overalls back on and snapping them back into place, Emmett asked if Justin was up for a tour of Mansion de Emmett.
"Emmett, we don't have time for a tour of the house. Maybe some other time." Brian just hoped Emmett conceded with him on this point.
"Nonsense! I just have to show this dumpling around," Emmett said while taking Justin's hand in his. Justin looked back at Brian. Brian just shrug his shoulders and waited for the floor show.
After Emmett had shown Justin just about every room in the house, he stopped in front of a set of double doors. Brian and Ted gave each other the same look that showed they were still disturbingly on the same page.
"Now I insist you see this room. It's my favorite afterall."
"What room is it?" Justin asked. Just as Justin finished asking Emmett, Emmett threw the doors open to reveal a room full of cats.
Justin had remembered a time when his grandmother was still alive. She loved all the Barbra Streisand musicals. She would sit and watch them while doing her knitting or she would have them playing in the background while cooking or cleaning so Justin was no stranger to the many musicals of Babs. He was forbidden to go to his grandmother's after his father found out how she played her musicals non-stop - he was afraid they might have a terrible influence on his impressionable son. Justin needed to tell his father someday it had nothing to do with Ms. Streisand. He had seen enough of her movies to know when to recognize the costumery from any given musical. Taking in the Roaring 20's flapper dresses and Ziegfeld-inspired outfits, not to mention the main cat wearing a purple striped tank with a fluffy tutu, Justin had pretty much surmised which musical Emmett was particularly fond of.
"Isn't she just precious?!" Emmett gushed over the same said cat. "This one's my favorite - her name's Barbra. I have her dressed like Fanny from Funny Girl. I have the entire cast here. You have just got to see Omar! Oh God. And wasn't he to die for in the movie? Silly thing keeps playing with his shirt front though. I sewed all the outfits myself, you know."
Justin continued to take in the scene. There must have been one-hundred-thirty cats, all sporting costumes from the movie. There was one particular cat that was very fluffy with salt and pepper hair - it had on a big white ruffled shirt.
This one had to be Omar. Justin thought he might be going just as nutty as the rest of them when he actually considered that the cat really did look like Mr. Shariff.
"Would you like to see the other room? It's just through that door over there," Emmett said while pointing to another door.
"Um, no, Emmett," Brian interjected. "We don't really have time for more stops on your tour. Besides, it's time for Jeopardy." Brian leaned down and whispered to Justin. "Trust me, you don't want to see that room. At least the cats in this room are still alive." Justin shuddered. "Although if you're a fan of Hello Dolly, it is quite impressive. You haven't lived until you've seen a cat in a bustle and a bright orange, sequined dress."
Justin would never see a Barbra musical the same way ever again. Then again, he was never into Barbra all that much anyways.
"Oh! Oh! It's time for Jeopardy! Come on. Come on!" Emmett ushered all three men into the media room. Justin noticed Ted seemed to be perking up quite quickly.
"We're going to watch Jeopardy?" Justin whispered to Brian.
"Actually, it's very entertaining. You'll love it," Brian replied.
"But I don't like game shows."
"I'm not talking about the show...you'll see," and Brian and Justin took their seats at the couch. Justin again noticed how attentive Ted had become once the show started.
The show had just began and they were introducing the last contestant.
""And tell us something about yourself, Kyle,"" Alex asked of the last contestant.
""Well, Alex, I'm a bio-chemist working on a top secret project that I'm not at liberty to discuss right now but I love to do anagrams in my spare time and...oh...yes, I'm working with a colleague of mine to discover a cure for cancer.""
""That's great! Well good luck to you on that one. I could have gone onto something with my education. I have a Masters, you know. I decided to take the home entertainment route instead."" Alex started to laugh on the screen. ""At least I didn't end up with the other show where the contestants are usually bubble-headed housewives and frat boys who at best only know the difference between a vowel and a consonant.""
""Um, Alex...we're rolling..."" Alex visibly straightened his tie on the screen and turned to the viewing audience with a full wattage smile.
""All you TV viewers at home know the drill. We have five categories, and the first to press the buzzer and answer the question wins the amount of money listed. Remember to pose all answers in the form of a question! We'll start with Kyle first. Pick a category."
""I'll take 'Boys and their Toys' for $100, Alex.""
""He led the research and development team of the Manhattan Project which created the first atomic bomb early in World War II.""
"Who is Oppenheimer," Ted quickly said.
""Who is Oppenheimer,"" said Kyle. ""I'll take 'Flip your Lid' for $200 Alex.""
""This volcano which erupted in 1883 and was heard 3,000 miles away, produced sea waves almost 130 feet high and drowned about 36,000 people on nearby islands.""
"What is Krakatau," said Ted.
""Contestants?"" A buzzer sounded. ""Oh, I'm sorry. The correct answer is Krakatau.""
Justin looked over at Ted. He then looked over at Brian in disbelief as Ted answered every single question throughout the show before anyone else could ring the buzzer or even give the correct answer.
Justin stood up at the show's end and addressed Brian. "That was incredible! Did you see that?"
"I told you it would be entertaining," Brian replied.
"He should go on the show! My God! He could make a killing!"
"Yeah, right," Brian said with a chuckle. He then turned to Ted. In his best game show host voice, he said, "Ted? Tell us something about yourself."
Ted looked at Brian. "I collect air in a jar every morning at approximately 4:35 am. I'm trying to prove that aliens have been visiting Earth in the middle of the night to exchange our current atmosphere slowly with theirs in order to make the air more breathable for them when they take over. I keep mailing the FBI with my findings but no one has so far shown up to test my theory."
Brian always managed to intercept those letters. He wasn't aiding any kind of convoluted cover-up scheme concocted by aliens for world domination, however he just didn't need a government agency coming around the homsetead asking questions about the harmless crack pot sending them letters.
Ted continued talking. "My brain sometimes travels on a plane separate from this dimension and I'm able to converse with Richard Nixon, who told me about the plot to frame him that was conceived by Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford."
Justin looked at Ted and bit his lips. He then turned to Brian.
"I see your point."
Emmett picked up the cat named Barbra and proceeded to undress it. He then stopped and gave everyone a put upon look.
"Please, Ms. Barbra needs her propriety to maintain. Turn around."
Brian and Ted started to turn around but Justin stood firm.
"Hey! You made me change in front of everyone but when it's the cat that has to get naked, you're all 'propriety to maintain?!' It's a cat! They go around naked anyway!"
Brian turned Justin around and then whispered into his ear. "Just let it go," he said then kissed his ear.
"But it's a cat!"
They turned back around as Emmett gave the all clear. The cat was now sporting a wedding dress and veil complete with a pillow front to make it look pregnant.
"Doesn't she just look precious?" Emmett gushed.
Brian, Justin and Ted all stared at Emmett.
Justin turned to whisper to Brian. "How does he get the cats to stay put so he can dress them?"
"I think he just has them trained," Brian replied. Of course, only Brian and Emmett were privy to the secret of the quiet composure of the cats. It was because of the sedatives that Emmett dosed them with daily - the same ones Emmett provided to Brian - in fact, the same ones Brian used on Justin himself at night.
"Well, Justin and I should be getting on our way," Brian stated. "Ted? Are you coming?"
"Heavens no! Teddy's going to help me change all the cat costumes for the pregnant wedding number, aren't ya Teddy? Teddy?"
Brian had been counting on that.
Ted looked over at Brian with an uneasy look on his face. "I'd rather drill holes in my head."
"Now Theodore, this will be much more productive and save on the crazy glue. Justin and I will be fine on our own."
"I'll bring Teddy home, don't worry," Emmett said while waving his hand in dismissal.
Brian had been counting on that too.
"Can I drive the car?" Ted asked of Emmett.
"Oh, I don't think so, I have no more E tickets left sweetie. I'll just have to drive you myself!" Emmett nervously twittered while rolling his eyes at Brian and Justin.
As Justin was leaving the house and giving his farewells to Emmett, Justin leaned over and winked at Ted. "Now Ted, no peeking!"
"I won't," Ted said while shaking his head in the negative. For some reason, this more than anything else disturbed Justin.
Justin and Brian walked back to the truck. As they rounded the corner, Brian took in the state of his vehicle.
"Oh God Brian! This is horrible!" Justin exclaimed.
Brian looked at his truck. The words GIVE US YOUR SPERM ASSHO were spray painted on the side.
"Assho?" Justin inquired.
Brian walked around to the back of the truck. "The LE is on the tailgate. Mel just ran out of room." Brian thought Lindsay had handled Mel regarding the 'sperm harassment.' He'd have to talk to her again.
"How do you know it was Mel? It could have been Lindsay."
"Nope. If it was Lindsay, there would be a smiley face."
As Justin was getting in, he started sneezing profusely.
"Damn allergies!" He then proceeded to scrub at his nose. "There's so much cottonwood in the air."
"Okay, that's it. I'm not waiting till we get home!" Brian then slammed Justin against the truck while attacking his lips. He spun Justin around, tested out the strength of the new buckle by unbuckling it and then lowered his overalls just enough to be able to take Justin from behind.
Mrs. McCreedy had just walked by because she thought it was a lovely evening for a walk. When she caught Brian and Justin in a very compromising position, she decided she should call the sheriff for such a horrendous public display of indecency. Public fucking was one thing, but displaying the word SPERM was quite another. She dialed the sheriff.
Fortunately for Brian and Justin on this particular night, Ranger Ben was in the middle of his Tai Chi and could not be disturbed.
Go to Chapter 10
Feedback is welcome. And I don't have anything against Alex Trebek. I think he's a veritable 'font' of information.