Maria (slave_o_spike) wrote,

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QaF Fic Update - Something Seriously Amiss Part 2b

Here's the next part of my body swap fic. This is a long one!

Title: Something Seriously Amiss
Part 2b of 3
Pairing: Brian/Justin (technically speaking BrianJustin/JustinBrian)
Rating: R?
Timeline: Early S5
Summary: This is your typical body swap plot line. A witch decides to show the boys what it would be like to walk in the other's shoes. Chaos and hilarity ensue.

Disclaimers: I don't own Cowlip, the boys, a burial plot (you'll see...)

This is for _alicesprings who requested a body swap story at qaf_bunnies

There will be 3 parts. Part 2 was just too damn long so I split it into 2. This one is the second of Part 2.

Part 1

Part 2a

NOTE: For the purpose of this chapter, I will still refer to the boys only by their name because they are NOW either alone with each other, or apart and not with each other (it will get more confusing when they are in the same room with each other and are around other people). So I will still refer to Brian as the one who is Brian in Justin's body and I will still refer to Justin as the one who is Justin in Brian's body. So Brian (Brian in Justin's body) will be working at the diner and Justin (Justin in Brian's body) will working at Kinnetik. When it's another person's point of view, they will refer to the person that they SEE.

I don't know if you got that.

If so, explain it to me...

Part 2b

bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep

Brian swung his arm over to hit the alarm clock button, trying to silence the infernal thing. He completely missed the clock and whacked his hand on the side table, waking himself up instantly. He looked over to the other side of the bed to ask Justin why he moved the clock when he saw...himself.

It all came back to him in that instant.

The wish. The switch. The sex. Oh yeah, Brian thought, the sex.

Brian thought out of all the wishes they could have been granted, why was that one chosen. If Brian were offered any wish, he wondered what he would wish for. There was world peace, which really was more of a concept than a tangible thing and really, you couldn't exactly wish for people to stop acting like assholes - that would take a miracle. There was the cure for cancer. Or better yet, the cure for AIDs. These were tangible and very real and no doubt would benefit quite a few people, himself and Ben included.

No, although these were all nice wishes, Brian knew what he would actually wish for. To go back in time to one night four years ago, the night of a prom of one senior high school student he knew and, well, he knew. He would wish that he could convince Justin to stay home with him at the loft that night - he would even have taken him out on a date, or something vaguely akin to one - anything to have gotten the kid to stay in. Neitzsche always said 'what does not kill me, makes me stronger' and Brian knew that it was the hard times in life that shaped you as a man and that it was these events that led to the men that they had become but the truth of the matter was that Neitzsche said a lot of shit and he wasn't there the night Justin lay on a cold, concrete parking-garage floor, blood pouring out of his head, being rushed to the hospital in an ambulance with a man who was powerless to do anything to help him.

It was not very altruistic of Brian, but that would be what he would wish for. The rest of the world could go get their own wishes.


Brian looked over once more at his face, which Justin was currently wearing, and noticed him starting to wake up.

"Morning," Brian said.

"You're still me," Justin said with a frown.

"Yeah, I guess we can rule out drugs, huh?" Brian said as he got up.

"What are we gonna do today? Brian?" Justin asked as he followed Brian into the bathroom.

"We're going to shower, possibly give each other, well, in reality, ourselves, a blow job in said shower, get dressed, and go into Kinnetik where your very talented, artistic boyfriend will be spending the day with you in the office. We'll call it, 'Bring-your-artistic-boyfriend-to-work-day.' You will call in sick at the diner."

"Brian? You can't go into Kinnetik today with me because you need to be at the diner. Most of the staff won't be in because of some rally. Debbie and the others will be too short-handed. You have to go in," Justin said while standing with his hands on his hips.

"No, no, no, no. You see - I can't go into the diner to work because I'm not a busb...a waiter...these are not the job skills I was trained for. I'm the CEO of the biggest, up-and-coming, well, technically speaking, already here, advertising firm so I'll be going in with you, who will be 'playing the part' of me...where was I?" Brian looked around confused, finding it hard for even himself to follow along with the conversation.

"Brian, I can't leave Debbie in the lurch like that. You have to go in. It'll be a piece of cake. You take the orders, bring people their food when it's ready and do a little bussing at the tables as we're short-handed on busboys too," Justin stated. "I, on the other hand, will be calling in sick today. It's not like you ever call in sick anyway, well except for when you had the cancer," Justin looked over at Brian who was scowling at him, "the thing."

"You can't call in sick. I have appointments and a meeting with a new client, a big client. They have a franchise, Mc..."

"Brian! I can't do your job! I'm not the CEO of the damn agency. I can't be you - even if you were there helping me along!"

"Justin, you're going to have to be. We either do this the right way, which is to play each other for now, because I gotta tell ya, if we were to tell anybody what really happened, we won't be able to figure out how to reverse this because we'll be sitting in a nice little white room somewhere, wearing one of those little jackets that tie in the back and I don't think those things come in Armani."

"Great Brian! I guess I'll be playing you today..."

"And I'll be right there with you every step of the way to make sure everything runs...."

"No, you'll be at the diner, covering my shift. Brian, this goes both ways."

"Justin, I really don't give a rat's ass whether or not the shift at the diner is covered, but my..."

"Brian! Of course you don't care, but I do. I can't leave them hanging." Justin crossed his arms over his chest and stood his ground.

Brian rolled his lips into his mouth but he had to hand it to the kid - he hated it when his employees left him in a lurch. He couldn't quite fault Justin for that.

"Okay, but I want you to let Cynthia lead the meetings. She knows what the pitches are. Tell her you're not feeling all too well and she'll help you. Ted will be there - he can help too. They're pretty reliable and will love the chance to see me asking for help."

"Are you trusting me...shit! You're serious! Fuck!"

"You're there enough anyway, bothering me all the time. You've worked in the advertising world before. Just follow their leads, okay?"

"Okay Brian."

"I'll call from the diner every hour to see how it's going and to help you with anything you need."

"Okay, Brian," and with that Justin walked up to Brian and hung his arms over his shoulders. "Thank you."

"I think we're crazy, but so is this situation."

The two men showered, in which they each gave the other a blow job thus prompting Brian to say they could now boast to other people about how they could suck their own dicks, got out and dried each other off.

Brian went to the closet to pick out a suit for Justin to wear. "Here, wear this."

"These cargoes are really comfortable to wear at work when it's busy," Justin said while handing Brian his pants.

"Oh God. Cargoes? How low have I fallen?"

"Stop being such a Drama Queen, Brian and put on the damn pants!" Brian started to put the pants on with a disgusted look on his face. "Um, Brian?"

"What now? Are you going to make me wear one of those ridiculous 'Fcuk' t-shirts too?"

"Well, now that you mention it...," Justin jokingly started. He saw the look on Brian's face and stopped. "Actually, I was going to say that in order to pull this off, I have to drive the Corvette into work," Justin said while rolling his lips into his mouth.

"Sure, why not? And on the way to work, you can stop in at the Red Cross and donate a few gallons of my blood, hand my American Express card to some vagrant on the street..."

"Brian, I'm not that bad."

No Brian, agreed, Justin wasn't. In fact, he knew without a shadow of a doubt that he could let Justin drive the car and not have to worry about it. He had once entrusted his car to Michael a few years ago so he could go on the run with the littlest hustler. Of course, the circumstances of that particular night were slightly different from today's and the fact that Brian was flying very high that night made it so he honestly really didn't remember giving Michael the keys. It wasn't everyday one went against such odds as being the main instigator in the defeat of a candidate who had the campaign in the bag (especially knowing that you had a hand in putting them in that position). The victory, of course Brian thought, was nothing compared to the fact that even in the midst of his heavy possession withdrawal and the fact that he had nothing left, Justin had still stuck around.

This morning though, he was feeling just a little more protective of the car.

"Okay, but be gentle."

Justin walked by and put his hand on Brian's shoulder, "I always am." Justin then swatted Brian's ass and walked away.

After Justin dropped Brian off at the diner, he continued onward to the office.

Brian walked into the diner, after watching Justin drive away.

"Hi Sunshine!" Debbie was standing there in her vest and a t-shirt that proclaimed I GAVE MY COCK UP FOR LENT.

"Hi Deb," Brian said while walking quickly past Debbie. He knew she would possibly be the hardest one to convince that everything was normal.

"It's gonna be a busy day today."

"I'm ever-so-thrilled." Brian turned around and gave Debbie his best sarcastic smile. "You know I just live to serve fags the swill we cook up here."

Debbie walked up and pinched Justin's chin while chuckling. "I swear you're getting to sound just like that asshole more and more every day," she said. "Besides, we don't just serve fags I'll have you know. A very nice, but very strange woman came in late last night. I swear she reminded me of the woman who played in Murder She Wrote - that Angela Lansbury woman. She was going on and on about bingo night at St. Peter's being canceled and how bored she was. Strange one."

He wrapped the apron around his waist, grabbed a pad and went to the first table where people were waiting. He also made a note to start acting more like Justin.

He turned to the first patron. "What do you want?"

Debbie walked by at that moment. "Sunshine, that's my table. That one over there needs you to take their order."

Brian walked over to the other table where a group of four men were seated.

Brian put on one of Justin's best smiles. "And what can I get for you fine gentlemen?"

The table gave their order while Brian wrote it all down and put it on the rack for the cook, Joey, to handle. He then took a few more orders, put them on the rack, then served all the food Joey had prepared to the tables that had ordered them.

Brian thought that this wasn't so hard. He felt a little better knowing that he could get through the day if it progressed in this fashion. Then later tonight, he and Justin could figure out a way to reverse whatever it was that had happened to them.

"Sunshine! Head's up! Your favorite customer is here."

Brian was taken aback by Debbie's comment. He had no idea Justin had a favorite customer and wanted to see who it was that Justin found so interesting.

Not that Brian would ever admit to being jealous, of course.

Brian watched as a small man with glasses walked in and sat at one of the stools in Justin's section. He started to straighten the napkin holder and everything in his space.

He wondered how off he was that he couldn't have possibly read Debbie's sarcastic tone.

"May I help you?"

"Oh God. You take my order every morning! You never, ever ask. Never, ever! Have you forgotten already? I thought we had a good arrangement here?! I should have guessed, I mean being blond and all."

The man started to become more agitated and continued to rearrange more things on the counter.

"I'll have my usual. You know! I want my two eggs, not three, not one, but two," and the man held his two fingers up, "sunny side up, cooked so they're not runny but not overdone. I want my bacon crispy. My hashbrowns should be golden, not white or brown, golden. Put it all on separate plates - none of the food should be touching. The toast needs to be brown on both sides and the toaster lines need to go perfectly up and down on the toast. And no pulp in my juice please."

Brian stood and stared at the man. Debbie walked up to Brian.

"What's up honey?"

Never taking his eyes off the man, Brian replied, "I'll never make fun of Ted again. I'll get right on that."

While Brian put the order on the rack, the diner seemed to have multiplied in customers in the short period he had taken Mr. Obsessive-Compulsive's order.

"Come on, Sunshine. Shake that cute little butt over here and start taking orders!" Debbie screamed at Brian.

Brian found his confidence suddenly slipping.

Meanwhile back at Kinnetik...

Justin braced himself for the people he would soon have to face as he walked into the office. He squared his shoulders and strode in, just as Brian would have done.

"Hello, Mr. Kinney."

"Hi," Justin replied, putting on one of Brian's best smiles.

There were quite a few 'good morning Mr. Kinney's' and 'hello Mr. Kinney's' to which Justin replied.

"Good morning Cynthia," Justin said while rounding her desk.

"Brian." Cynthia got up from around her desk and followed Brian into his office. "Brian? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yes, um, why?" Justin stammered.

"Just, there was no snide remark that accompanied your greeting, nothing. Oh my God! You didn't break up with Justin, did you? Tell me that you didn't again."

"No, believe me when I say we're more closer now than we ever have been."

"Oh, thank God! I don't think I could take you being in a cranky mood again," Cynthia said while plopping herself down on the couch.

Cranky, huh? Justin thought. Well, go figure.

"We have a representative here from Harold & Harrison who wants to see you."

"Harold & Harrison?" Justin tried to remember their names from the ones Brian had given him.

"Yes, they were supposed to meet us next week but decided to surprise us today with an impromptu visit. I don't really see a problem Brian. You'll just dazzle them with your know-how. It's not like the first time you've had to deal with unexpected visitors," Cynthia chuckled while straightening out his tie.

Justin started to turn white.

"Are you sure you're okay Brian?"

"Yeah, fine," Justin said in a high-pitched voice. He then cleared his throat. "Send them in."

Cynthia looked at him. "Uh-huh." She then walked outside.

Justin knew enough about how Brian's advertising genius worked. He usually used sex to sell people on whatever it was they were trying to sell. You could do that on practically everything. This might not be so hard. Justin decided to run the mantra Think sex through his head about thirty times before the gentlemen walked through the door.

"Mr. Harold, Mr. Harrison. This is Mr. Kinney."

Everyone shook hands and exchanged various pleasantries.

"So we hear you're the best in your field. So dazzle us. What could you do for our campaign?"

"Well, I'll see what I can do. What exactly is it you would like us to represent?"

"Toddler training diapers. Like the Pull-ups Huggies sell. We think we have a shot at being very competitive in that product line."

Justin looked back and forth between the two men. He was so screwed.

Any kind of slogan or campaign he could come up with involving sex to sell toddler training diapers would probably land him in jail sharing a cell with a guy named Psycho who thought Jeffrey Dahmer was an okay guy while labeling him a pedophile and ensuring his name forever on a Sexual Predator Registry.

"Um," Justin cleared his throat again, " fact..."

Cynthia jumped in. "Wow! Imagine that, you're actually witnessing Brian's genius at work."

"But he's babbling...," Harrison said.

"To you it sounds like babbling. There are so many thoughts going through his head right now, he can't even put them into words."

Both men seemed to be impressed. "Maybe we should come back next week, then," Harold responded.

"I think that would be best gentlemen," Cynthia said.

Justin could hear the men talking as they left the office. "He was so engrossed in thinking, he didn't even say good-bye."

"It still sounded like babbling to me," the other one said.

Cynthia showed the men out of the room and looked once more back at Brian. She gave him a sympathetic yet confused look.

Justin sank down in the office chair, hoping the black leather would swallow him whole. He just embarrassed Brian and Kinnetik in front of potential customers. He just hoped Brian was faring much better.

Back at the diner:

Brian was running back and forth with various plates in his hands. He had so far gotten seven orders right, however, he had served them to the wrong tables.

Queens could get very nasty when they're hungry.

Brian was juggling three plates on his forearms when he heard his cell phone go off in his pants. He lost his balance and dropped two of the dishes. Cheeseburgers, fries and broken plates were scattered all over the floor.

"Sunshine, are you okay? That's the third time this has happened to you today."

"Yeah, Deb. I'm great. I'm fine. How about you?"

Brian picked himself up, went to answer the phone but it had already gone to voicemail. He went to check on his message when Debbie came back.

"No time for breaks sweetie. Get to hustling those cute buns of yours. Come on."

Brian decided he would put crazy glue in Debbie's wig later on in the day. He went to put in a new request to the cook for the plates he dropped when he was called over to take another order.

Brian had been taking orders and rushing plates back and forth and dropping more plates and giving the wrong orders to more patrons. He could barely stand up anymore. Just then, Debbie called out to Brian that one of his tables was waiting. He went to take the orders from the four construction workers at the table.

"Hey Sunshine. How's my favorite busboy today?"

Brian watched as all four men sat there staring back at him as if he were on the menu. "Just peachy and it's waiter. Wai-ter. What'll you have?" Brian asked in a tired voice.

"How about some of that ass?" one of the construction workers said and pinched Brian's butt.

"Hey! Hey! Inappropriate touching! The menu's right here and as you can see, Justin's not on it. Oh wait, you can't read, right? Maybe I can get you a menu with big, pretty pictures on it." All four men looked at each other and then at Brian.

"Did you just refer to yourself in the third-person?" one of the crewmen asked.

"Sunshine, you okay?" Debbie asked as she walked up. She felt his forehead which felt slightly warm. "Should I call someone? A doctor, maybe?"

"For the last fucking time," Brian growled, "I'm fine. Just fine!"

One of the crewmen leaned over to another crewman, "I think she should call a priest."

"Give me your damn orders...and, just the orders!"

He wrote down their selections and took the ticket to the rack.

Debbie stood where she was and watched Justin. She was getting a little worried - he never seemed to get this agitated before.

"Debbie! I need my break. I need to make a damn phone call! And I need some food."

"Okay, baby, you take your fifteen minutes, okay? What do you want to eat?"

"Turkey on wheat, no ma...uh, hold on. I want a double bacon cheeseburger, a large, fat, fucking plate of fries, swimming in gravy, a cold, thick, a strawberry milkshake and...pie," Brian said looking as if he were contemplating the cosmos.

"Pie? What kind honey?"

"All of them. I want one piece of each type of pie that this shithole of a diner sells." Brian then turned to his cell phone.

Back at Kinnetik:

Justin sat on the cold floor of Brian's private bathroom. He was eating a whole carton of Oreos, the kind you get at those discount warehouse stores. After the Harold & Harrison fiasco, he met two more clients. Ted was apparently somewhere doing fiscal type things and he had only Cynthia to help him. She led most of the meetings and he would agree or disagree with her.

At least this time he didn't do any babbling and the meetings seemed to go better.

Justin decided it was time to pick himself up off the floor and go tackle whatever it was this place decided to throw at him next.

As he walked back into his office, Ted stood there, waiting for him.

"Hey Brian."

"Hi Ted."

"Brian, I had something I wanted to talk to you about."

"Is it business?" Justin asked nervously.

"Actually, no, it's more personal," Ted chuckled.

"Oh, okay," Justin replied shrugging his shoulders. He could handle this, maybe.

"As you know, my birthday's coming up, and I decided I was going to splurge and...," Ted hesitated.


"Get some cosmetic surgery done. What do you think?" Ted asked while wincing.

"Oh I don't know Ted. I think a man in his forties, like you, looks great for their age. Why do something so vain as get..."

"Forties?" Ted shrieked.

"Um, yeah. You're in your forties, right?"

"Oh God, it's worse than I thought. And you should know. Oh God, you're being cynical, aren't you?! Of course you are, you're Brian Kinney, you never come out and say anything. Oh God. It must be really bad."

"No, Teddy. I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."

"You're apologizing?!" Ted shrieked once more. "This must be really bad! No, no, no, - just tell me how hideous I am. Just cut straight to the core."

"Teddy, you're not hideous. I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it..."

"You're still apologizing," Ted said while walking backward toward the wall. "I am hideous," Ted kept rambling while Justin was advancing on him, trying to calm Ted down. "At least I thought I could count on you to have told me how disgusting I look!"

"Please Ted, you're hysterical."

"You're all my friends! Nobody said anything! I must be like Elephant Man-ugly."

"Ted, you're fine. Really," Justin said while backing Ted against the wall.

"I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!" Ted shrieked while covering his face with his hands. He then pushed past Justin and ran from the room.

Well, Justin thought, that went well.

Just then Cynthia walked into the room.

"Is Ted okay?"

"Yeah," Justin said while remembering to maintain the Kinney cool, "some people just can't take criticism."

Cynthia looked back at Justin. "Uh-huh." She then left the room.

Justin's cell phone rang.

"Brian? Is that you?"

"Yeah - look I don't have long to talk. By the way, you are never to come back here again. Okay that said, I need to tell you about the last client coming in today. It's the franchise one. They're Mc..."

But when Justin was listening in, the phone went dead. The battery light was no longer blinking.

"Shit! Shit! Shit!" That was the one client Brian kept trying to tell him about.

He was about to just call the diner when Cynthia walked in again.

"Hey Brian, Emmett's here to see you."

"Oh, great, someone else's life I can screw up."

Justin figured his call to Brian would have to wait. He was starting to get very upset with Brian. He hadn't called him all day and he had told him he would call him every hour. He was so confused and upset about everything going on right now, that he was also starting to blame everything that happened so far on Brian.

If a meteor were to crash at that very instant in the office, he was sure that Brian would have had a hand in it.

"Hi Emmett."

"Hey, Brian. Okay, Michael and Ben and Ted all convinced me I should talk to you about this, so here I am," Emmett said with a flourish of his arms.

"Okay, it sounds serious. What is it?"

"I'll just come out and say it. I need a favor. I need someone, someone influential in the community, someone of the not-straight persuasion, tobeaguestonmyshow. There I said it."

"And just what is it you said?" Justin asked confused.

"I need someone in our community who is also an icon of the business world to be on my show. Look, I'll save you the trouble. You can't do it because you're going to have elective open-heart surgery. Oh, oh! You'll be attending an LL Bean fashion show. I know you don't want to do it but I still thought I'd ask..."

"I'll do it."

"See, I knew what your answer would...what did you say?"

"I'll. Do. It."

"You will?" Emmett asked in a high pitched voice. "I mean, you will?"

Justin walked around the desk to stand next to Emmett while putting his arm around his shoulder. "Why, yes, What better way to show all the heteros out there just who the fags in their community are? Now I can't exactly leave it to you to pick the one representing our kind, now can I?"

"You know, I could almost swear you sound like Brian Kinney, and though your reasoning still sounds like a back-handed compliment or insult, I'm a little taken aback at your altruistic intentions in trying to make our kind, as you so lovingly put it, look good."

Justin decided to jump in that this moment - he didn't want Emmett suspecting anymore than he might already be. "Why Emmett, I'm shocked!"

"Why, because I'm surprised that you might actually want to do a favor for me?"

"No, that you know what the meaning of the word 'altruistic' is," Justin deadpanned.

"Oh, there you are. I knew Brian was in there somewhere."

Just then Ted walked into the room. Emmett looked over at Ted.

"Um, Teddy? Sweetie? Why are you wearing a paper bag over your head?"

Ted turned to face his friend. Emmett plucked the bag off Ted's head.

"I thought you were my friend!" Ted accused Emmett. He then handed the fiscal report to Justin.

"Here. I was working on this all morning," Ted said then turned around leaving the room. "Now if you don't mind, I have some more numbers I need to crunch, my wrists to slit, W-4's to follow up on..."

Emmett looked at Ted, who was retreating the room. "Um, is he okay?"

"Yeah, he was hyperventilating earlier in the day."

"Shouldn't he have been breathing into the bag, not wearing it?"

"It's Ted," Justin said and went to sit behind Brian's desk.

"Well, thank you Brian for agreeing to help me with my predicament. I'll start making plans right away."

"Sure, go ahead." Justin suddenly realized maybe getting revenge on Brian at that moment wasn't such a hot idea.

Emmett started to leave the room while Cynthia was entering it. "This is so exciting," Emmett gushed when greeting Cynthia.


"Brian's agreed to do the show," and with that Emmett left the office.

Cynthia looked over at Brian. "Uh-huh. So, boss, it's lunch time. You wanna order in?"

"Yeah, I don't think I can handle the public right now."

"Great. Your usual? Turkey on wheat, no mayo?"

"Yeah, sounds great," Justin said with about as much enthusiasm as he could muster.

"But wouldn't you rather have one of those pastrami sandwiches or philly steak melts, dripping with mustard and fried onions, Justin?"

"Oh God, wouldn't I, but I think..," Justin stopped and looked at Cynthia. "How did you know?"

"Well, you can fool most of the people most of the time, and you can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool the woman who's worked for Brian Kinney for the past seven years ever. I would have been dead in the water by now."

"I don't know what happened! We think we accidentally wished this!"

"Doesn't sound like a wish to me."

"How do you know?"

"Justin, sweetie, if wishes were true? I'd have been Mrs. Pitt instead of that Jennifer person. No, this sounds more like a curse put on you by a witch."

"What?" Justin shrieked. He then became serious, "Cynthia? Are you a witch?"

"It would make a lot of sense, wouldn't it? But, sadly no, if I were, I wouldn't be in the Pitts. No, I've always been an information seeker. I knew there were some things that defied logic and that some things just couldn't be answered so I did some research and found that witchcraft and dark magics really did exist."

"Things that defied logic, huh? You mean like miracles and such?"

"No, Arnold Schwarzenegger as Governor."

"So where would we find this witch?"

"Oh, that I don't know sweetie. Did you piss some woman off...wait, when did you say this happened?"

"Last night, after Babylon."

"Did you guys anger any women after Babylon?"

"No, I don't think so. I didn't see anyone, any women last night. Except for Debbie earlier."

"Yeah, well we can rule her out as a witch. Witches tend to be very old, rather conservative and do not suffer fools lightly. Can you say 'Michael?'"

"Say no more."

"Don't worry Justin. We'll figure this out, okay? Hey, where's Brian during all this."

"He's working my shift at the diner."

Cynthia would have given everything she owned to the same said witch right now if she could somehow turn into a fly on the wall of the diner.

Speaking of the diner:

Brian by this point in time had definitely, without a doubt, had it with the diner. After eating the ridiculously large lunch and pie, lots of pie, he could hardly walk, but after a half hour of running back and forth, he no longer felt full. Also, after running back and forth, taking orders, giving people their orders, dropping more plates, getting more orders wrong, answering the phone - the evil phone - that wouldn't stop ringing, he decided not only would he make Justin quit, but he would punish Justin severely when they got their bodies back so he couldn't leave the loft for at least three days. Of course, thinking of punishing Justin only caused him to get a serious hard-on, which made things slightly more difficult at the moment.

"Sunshine! Your order's up!"

Brian walked over and grabbed the plate, delivering it to the queen at table number five.

"One tuna melt. Enjoy."

"Honey, I said no cheese - this has cheese. It'll go straight to my middle."

"Honey, with a face as ugly as yours, do you really think they'll care about your middle?"

Brian walked away. He went to the next table to give them their check.

"Can I get you anything else?"

"Maybe your number angel," and with that the bear reached over and stuffed a five-dollar bill into Brian's pocket, stroking Brian's cock along the way.

"Hey! That's not your cock! That's not even my cock, but that's besides the point!" Brian shouted then walked away when he started to hear the phone ringing - the evil phone.

Brian answered the phone. "Hello, Liberty Diner."

Hi, I'm looking for Ben. Could you page him for me?"

"Ben? Ben Bruckner?"

"No, his last name's Dover."

"Sure," and Brian put his hand over the receiver while shouting, "Is there a Ben here? Ben Dover?"

No one said anything so Brian shouted louder.


There was silence in the diner as some of the patrons started to laugh and the bear from before got up and said "Sure thing angel, come on over here!"

Brian dropped the phone as if it were a synthetic, polyester blend. He could hear chuckling coming from the receiver.

"Oh sweetie!" Debbie said while laughing and shaking her head. "I can't believe you fell for that one."

Brian walked away to the bathroom.

Just then Ben and Michael walked into the diner.

"Hi Ma!"

"Mikey, honey - oh good, Ben you're here too. I think something's really wrong with Justin."

"Can we help?" Ben asked.

Brian walked in at that moment, saw Michael and Ben looking at him and went behind the counter, hoping they would just leave him alone.

Ben, Michael and Debbie sat on the stools on the other side of the counter while looking at Justin - well, who they thought was Justin.

Brian at this point was quite oblivious to anyone in his surrounding area and he started babbling. "I swear when we get our bodies back, that kid is getting....well, first he's getting fucked through the mattress, maybe the table too, but then, then he wants to get spanked? Oh, I'll give him one he'll never forget. Then, I'm gonna take Justin's cargoes and his Oreos - those Oreos - and put everything on top of the refrigerator. Cause he can't reach the top, did you know that? Everything I want to hide from him, that's where I'm putting it! God, this is just not right. Justin is quitting this place immediately! The orders and the queens and that guy with the toast, and the touching and pinching and the phone! The phone! And then that Dover guy..."

Michael, Ben and Debbie watched on in horror.

"Oh my poor baby," Debbie said while wiping the tears from her eyes.

"It's like a total twink meltdown," Michael said, as he watched with his mouth hanging open.

Ben turned to the other two. "Now, I've taken Psych 101 and I think I know how we can handle this. He's talking as if he's Brian and he's talking about Justin in the third person. We need to play along." Ben then turned to Justin. "Ben, Michael and Debbie want Justin to know that we're here for him, no matter what's going on, and we just want to help."

Brian looked up at Ben who had a very patronizing look on his face. Ben then patted Brian's hand.

Brian glared back.

Now Joey was not the type to care about what was going on in the dining room of the diner. He was the cook and stayed in the kitchen and let everyone else worry about the patrons. But when he heard the commotion and then the dead silence, he decided it was time to investigate.

"Um, why are you guys dressed up like hot dogs?"

"That little shit!" Debbie screamed. She then started to wipe the mustard and ketchup out of her eyes.

"That...that. Justin! He squirted us with the condiment bottles!" Michael shrieked.

"Justin did this?" Joey asked. Who knew the kid had it in him. The patterns of red and yellow splashes though made Joey think the kid had a little bit of Pollock in him.

"You know, I think he at least released whatever it was that was bothering him...," Ben started.

"Ben, honey, I love ya like a son but right now you need to shut the fuck up," Debbie said.

"Yeah, you're right. When I find that kid, I'm gonna squirt a bottle of hot sauce up his ass," Ben said.

"So where do you think he went?" Joey asked.

"Probably headed to Kinnetik," Michael replied.

Speaking of which:

"Justin?" Cynthia asked.


"We're about to expect a new client in the next few minutes. You need to be prepared. This is really big. They're a franchise. It's McD..."

"This is the one Brian was trying to tell me about all day! Is it McDonalds?"

"Oh God, no! It's McDonagalls."

"McDonagalls? Are they trying to compete with McDonalds with a name like that?"

"Not exactly. They're a franchise, but they don't sell fast food. They're a chain of...mortuaries."

"Mortuaries? You're kidding right? I didn't know they had a chain of those things?"

"These two brothers do. They're really creepy too - especially the one that looks like Bill Murray. I'm afraid they're for real. Brian really had a rough time with the artists trying to come up with something for them that would be tasteful. They came up with several 'joke boards' before they actually came up with the real campaign. Look," and with that Cynthia went to retrieve a set of boards. She laid them out for Justin to look at.

Justin read the first one:


Justin chuckled. He then picked up the next board:


Justin couldn't stop laughing as he picked up the next one:


Justin almost started to forget the graveness of the situation he found himself and Brian in while perusing the joke boards.

"Oh God, I almost forgot! This is the best one," Cynthia said as she handed Justin the last board. It was a map of several hundred tombstones. One tombstone was marked with the words YOU ARE HERE.

The poster was marked with the words:


"Oh please. Oh God. This is just...," Justin started to double over while laughing. Cynthia started laughing too. Glenda walked in at that moment.

"Mr. McDonagall and Mr. McD...the McDonagall's are here to see you now."

Justin watched as two gentlemen dressed in somber black strode into the room. One of the brothers was a small, creepy man that looked like the small, creep guy from Re-Animator. The other brother looked just like Bill Murray.

"Ah Mr. Kinney," the one that looked like Bill said while shaking Justin's hand. "And Cynthia. So wonderful to see you again," he said as he bent down to kiss her hand.

"Likewise," Cynthia said as she rubbed at her hand furiously.

"Mr. Kinney," said the other one who barely looked at Justin. Justin thought the guy reminded him of the toast guy at the diner. He didn't even acknowledge Cynthia.

Ted walked in at that moment. "Mr. McDonagall. Mr. McDonagall," Ted greeted.

The little man looked at Ted. "You know, when you die, we can get rid of those bags under your eyes."

"How comforting," Ted replied. "I have to do more fiscal work. I'll just be leaving now," Ted walked out while muttering, "at least I'll look good when I'm dead," under his breath.

"So I really can't wait to see those boards," the Bill-lookalike said. Just then the little one whispered into the taller one's ear. "Oh yes! We didn't discuss it last time, but we really want to showcase something we came up with."

Cynthia jumped in. "And that would be...?"

"Used coffins," the little one said.

"Used...used coffins?" Justin asked. Cynthia shuddered.

"Yes, we are afterall a franchise, specializing in giving people their money's worth. What better way than to use reconditioned coffins?" the taller one said.

"Used coffins?" Justin repeated. "Um, how exactly does one acquire a used coffin. I mean...aren't the current occupants rather fond of their final resting...home?"

"You are so naive Mr. Kinney," the little one said while chuckling.

"But, how do you get the...?"

"Well we can iron the details out later Mr. Kinney," the tall one cut off. "Let's see those boards."

Justin went to retrieve the boards grabbing the first stack.

"No Justin, not that one," Cynthia tried to whisper to Justin but it was already too late. Justin set the boards up without looking at them. The brothers walked in front of the boards. The little guy was the first to speak.

"This is an outrage!"

"I have to concur with my brother. What is the meaning of this?"

Justin looked at the boards. "'s...jokes...but...but...but..."

Cynthia looked over at Justin - from what she could tell, Justin was quickly going straight past babble-mode and directly into shut-down-mode.

"Mr. Kinney," continued the Bill-lookalike, "death is not a joking matter. Now we expected you to treat this with the dignity and humanity this franchise deserves."

The little one leaned over to whisper to the taller one. "I must admit though, I like the idea of the kid's map."

Justin looked back and forth at the two men. Something deep within, in that tiny recess that says now Justin, would be a good time to shut up, he snapped and totally ignored that part of his mind.

"Dignity?! Humanity? You're a fucking franchise of...of death! You deal in cut rates on burials! to sell used coffins for Christsakes! Dignity?! You should offer punch cards to people. After nine burials, the tenth one is half off!"

The little one whispered to the tall one again, "Oh, I like that one too."

The Bill Murray type looked up at that moment. "Mr. Kinney. I think we'll be taking our business elsewhere. I can see there's quite a bit of hostility here towards what we're trying to achieve..."

"Achieve?! Achieve? It's called grave-robbing asshole!" The two men started to retreat as quickly as possible. Justin continued to scream after them. "And don't even think of using the punch card or map idea. Those belong to us!!!"

Justin turned to look at Cynthia. "Okay, I just cost Brian a potentially big client. I'll be in the bathroom...throwing up." Justin walked towards the bathroom. "I'll be in here till...I don't know....Armageddon. Come get me when the horsemen arrive," and with that Justin closed the door and locked it.

Cynthia ran after Justin. "Please Justin. Come out. It'll be okay."

Just then Brian came running into the office. Of course, what Cynthia saw was Justin's body running in, very much out of breath.

"Brian? Did you run all the way here?"

"If you call that running, sure," Brian replied. "Hey, did you just call me Brian?"

"Yes, Brian, I know. Can you please get your boyfriend out of the bathroom. He's locked himself in."

Brian ran up to the bathroom door and knocked. "Justin? Justin, you okay?"

"Brian? Oh God. Just leave me here."

"Justin? Come on out. Whatever it is, we'll handle it. Come on. If it makes you feel any better, I probably got you fired."

"That's nothing compared to what I probably did to you."

Brian turned to Cynthia. "What exactly happened?"

"It was a very trying day. Harold & Harrison showed up unannounced and Justin didn't really know what to say..."

"Those morons? Shit. I hate it when people show up 'impromptu.' What else?"

Cynthia bit her lip. "He accidentally showed the wrong boards to the McDonagalls. Actually, it was probably more my fault - I shouldn't have brought them out. Then he went off on them and they left."

"Is that all?"

"Um, yeah."

Brian turned to the door again. "Justin, please come out. It's okay, really. I never really wanted that account. I really didn't know how to do their account justice. It was hard for me to admit there was something I couldn't give the customer. I'm glad they're gone - they're not what I want to represent. Besides, they're creepy, especially the Bill Murray one. Come on." Brian rested his forehead on the door. "Please?"

Justin slowly opened the door. "You mean it?"

"Yes, Justin, I mean it."

Justin visibly relaxed. "Cynthia thinks this whole mess is because of a witch putting a curse on us."

"A witch? You're not...?"

"No, Brian. I'm not. And yes, a witch," Cynthia replied.

Brian was lost in thought. "Why would a witch put a curse on us?"

"Maybe because she thought you two had something to learn about each other, it could have been a sense of doing what was right...," Cynthia said but was cut off.

"Could she have done it, say, because she was bored?" Brian asked.

"Or that. Witches have been known to do terrible things when bored. How did you know?" Cynthia asked perplexed.

"Because I was bored in my life a while back...Sunshine, go put some more casual clothes on - they're in the bathroom. We're going to church! St Peters to be exact."

"Brian! We're cursed, not possessed!"

"Trust me on this one. Of course, it is a long shot, but what do we have to lose?" Brian shrugged.

Justin went back into the bathroom. "Oh and Justin?"

"Yeah Brian?"

"I want you to get on the scale in there. I want to see if I gained anything today."

"Brian! Don't you trust me?" Cynthia slowly backed out of the office.

"Not when it comes to food. Now get on the scale!"

Justin got on the scale. Brian looked down at the weight that the needle finally settled on.



Brian's screams could be heard throughout Pittsburgh and the surrounding areas.

To be continued and concluded in part 3 (Coming Soon!)

Feedback is welcome.
Tags: body swap fic

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