I hope you all enjoyed the ride. So without further adieu...
Title: Something Seriously Amiss
Part 3 of 3
Pairing: Brian/Justin (technically speaking BrianJustin/JustinBrian)
Rating: PGish this part
Timeline: Early S5
Summary: This is your typical body swap plot line. A witch decides to show the boys what it would be like to walk in the other's shoes. Chaos and hilarity ensue.
Disclaimers: I don't own Cowlip, the boys, a rational thought...
This is for _alicesprings who requested a body swap story at qaf_bunnies.
Note: I will still refer to Brian in Justin's body as Brian and Justin in Brian's body as Justin. If they are talking to other people who don't know about the switch, then they will appear as the other to them.
There were 3 parts but part 2 was split into 2. Here are the previous parts:
As soon as the boys left Kinnetik and reached the outside, Brian stopped Justin.
"Okay, we're headed to St Peters. We need to get in the Corvette and drive there as quick as possible. Maybe someone there knows who she is."
"I don't know. That's why we're going to the church," Brian said.
"Okay. Do we even know who we're looking for?"
"Someone who looks like Angela Lansbury."
"Don't worry - I know who to look for."
"Isn't that your mother's church, Brian?"
"Does your mother know Angela Lansbury."
"No, well I mean, she might have seen her on television..."
"But she goes to the church your mother goes to?"
"No, I don't know what fucking church Angela Lansbury goes to. Keep up with me here Justin."
"Okay - God I'm so confused."
"You're confused? And, I can't even say this...but...oh God...five...five..."
"Five pounds, Brian. I'm, well technically speaking, you are five pounds heavier."
"What the fuck did you eat today?"
"Just a turkey sandwich, with just a hint of mayo."
"A hint of mayo? It must have been the whole fucking jar, Justin! Five pounds."
"And maybe a philly cheese steak sandwich."
"Some oreos, as in three, as in only 160 calories? Or oreos, as in, 'I cleared out the fucking cookie aisle?'"
"Jesus, Brian. I was stressed today. Okay?"
"Look, I know," Brian sighed. "It's okay."
Brian walked up to Justin and held him while they tried to comfort each other by stroking the other's hair.
"I really don't want you going back to the diner, okay?"
"I need to work Brian and I'm not going back to school."
"Fuck school. Come to work for me."
"I am not going back to Kinnetik. That place is evil."
"I promise you - once we're back in our own bodies, and me in your body but only from the 'fucking-you-from-behind' way, cause I gotta tell you Sunshine, I haven't fucked anybody in the past twenty-four hours and I'm really going stir crazy here..."
"I'm horrible? You made me work in that, that place? I'm horrible?! That place is hell! No! No! Hell is better."
"You're quitting and coming to work for me. End of discussion."
"I need to find my own way..."
"You already know how to get to Kinnetik. Look, do you really think I'd offer you the job if I didn't think you were qualified?"
"Okay then. Now let's get to the Corvette and get to the church."
As Brian went toward the parking lot of Kinnetik, Justin went in the opposite direction.
"Um, Justin where are you going?"
"Well, duh, Brian - to the car."
"But my parking place is this way."
Justin started to look very confused. "But don't you park in the lot on the other side of Kinnetik, where everyone else parks?"
"No," Brian said while elongating the 'no' as he is so wont to do when he feels he's talking to a 5-year old. "I have my own space here - I mean I own the building and the fucking business afterall. Besides, they have some bone to pick with me at the public lot. The guys that run it are real shits. I fucked one of them...oh Shit! Please tell me Justin, that you did not park there," Brian started to ask while getting a very panicky look on his face.
"But then I would be lying..."
"Oh fuck," and with that Brian took off running to the other lot. Justin and Brian got to the Corvette, just to see the car with all four tires slashed, completely flat.
"Shit Brian. I'm sorry. I didn't know. God, I'm sorry..."
"Don't...," Brian said while holding up his hand. "What the fuck!!! I mean, what the ever-fucking-piece-of shit-garage-monkeys-inbred-cocksuckers,"
An old woman walked by at that moment and then walked up to Brian. "Do you talk to your mommy with that mouth?' she asked then walked away.
"No, don't Brian me. When we get home, and back to our own bodies," Brian continued as he advanced on Justin getting into his personal space, "I'm gonna take off all your clothes, then I'm gonna bend you over the table and then I'm going to smack that perfect bottom of yours until it's pink, then I'm going to continue until it's a bright red, then, then, I'm going to fuck your bright red bottom over and over and over again. And clothes? Forget clothes. You're not getting any for a week! I know exactly where to hide them too!"
Just then two men came walking around the corner. After they heard Brian's rant, they started to whisper to each other.
"Hey wasn't that Kinney's twink?"
"Yeah, shit, the kid's got Kinney on a leash - who would've thought?"
"My, how the mighty have fallen," and they both laughed as they continued to walk away.
Brian, hearing what they had just said, started to scream at the top of his lungs after them. "I'm still here. The mighty's still right here asshole! Hey, I know you. Yeah you! I've had you. You gave that shitty blowjob!"
Brian was standing in the middle of the deserted street screaming after the retreating men. Another old woman walked by just at that moment and put two dollar bills into Brian's hand.
"Such a sweet boy. Such a sweet, delusional crazy boy," the woman tsked and walked away.
Brian looked at the money and pocketed it.
"I can not get any lower than I am right now."
Ted and Emmett rounded the side of the building just at that moment, heading toward Ted's car.
"Okay, now I feel better. No matter how low I can go, Ted's always lower."
Ted and Emmett looked up to see Justin and Brian.
"Justin? Did you just...um...insult Teddy?" Emmett asked with a puzzled expression on his face.
"Oh this is just great! First I get Kinney on me about how deformed and hideous I am, and now he's got Justin trained to follow in his footsteps," Ted said. He then started to scream. "What is it Kinney? You got it in your will for someone to torment me after you're long gone? It's not enough to do it while you're alive?"
"What exactly did you say to him?" Brian asked Justin.
"He came in asking about whether or not he should get plastic surgery..."
"Oh shit!" Brian started laughing. He then walked up to Ted and put his arms around Ted. "Theodore, you don't need to waste all your money and time on costly surgery and long recovery periods. All you need is a tattoo - right along the crack of your ass. It needs to read INSERT PENIS HERE. PULL OUT. REPEAT. That, I'm afraid, is the only way your sorry ass is ever going to get laid." Brian pulled away. Ted looked on in shock.
"I think the student has surpassed the master," Emmett said in shock.
"No," Ted said, "I think this is Brian. I don't know how, but this is Brian."
"My, Theodore, aren't you ever-so-astute. There's hope for you yet," and with that, Brian patted Ted's face. Ted started to laugh. "That means, that means," and Ted turned around to look at Justin (the one in Brian's body), "you're Justin! Oh God! You're Justin. No wonder you thought I was in my forties. Anyone under the age of twenty-three, thinks anyone older than them is over forty. Oh God." Ted seemed to be very relieved.
Brian leaned over to Justin. "Just between you and me, I always thought he looked like he was in his forties too."
"I'm not hideous. I'm okay." Ted continued to shout out in the street. "I'm okay!"
An old hippie came out and walked up to Ted. "Hey, it's cool man. Your okay. I'm okay. We're all okay." He then stuffed a ten dollar bill into Ted's pocket. "Peace man!" And with that the hippie walked away.
"Ted, we need you to drive us to St Peters right now!" Brian said to Ted excitedly.
"I don't know Brian, after the kind of day I've had..."
"Ted?" Brian said while picking Ted up by his collar, "your day? Your day?"
"You're smaller than me now Brian - just a little twink. The whole Brian-Kinney persona is no longer in effect. You can't intimidate me anymore. You don't scare me," Ted said back to Brian.
"Ted...," and with that Brian put Ted down. Then Ted, being in a situation that was too good to be true, started to tower over Brian.
"How does it feel, to be the one not in charge, not in control. I could just pick you up and put you in my back pocket right now if I wanted," Ted continued while poking his finger in Brian's chest. Just then an old woman came by and whacked Ted over the head with her cane and then kicked him in the ankle.
"Bully! Stop picking on that nice, little boy!" She then walked away.
"Feel better Ted?" Brian asked while basking in Ted's current pain.
Ted was reaching down to rub at his ankle while patting his head. "Oh loads. I deserved that - it felt weird picking on someone that looks like Justin. It felt too much like threatening Thumper."
Justin piped in that moment. "I think we better get in the car and get out of the street."
"Yeah," Brian said. "I'm sure four fags queening out in the street is very entertaining to the breeders but I prefer not to be their sole-source of fun tonight."
They all piled into Ted's car with Brian leading the way to St Peters. As they reached the church, Brian only hoped this was the lead they were looking for because if it wasn't, they would have nothing and he didn't want to let Justin down. It was a long shot, but it was worth trying. Afterall, what else did they have to lose?
He'd just hoped he didn't accidentally run into Father Tom or his mother.
Justin and Brian got out of the car, Brian telling Emmett and Ted to wait for them. As they entered the church, Brian saw what looked like a man in red robes and another man, that looked exactly like...
Well, at least it wasn't Joan.
Both men turned to see who their night visitors were. "Brian? Justin?"
"Um, Father Tom," Brian answered. At the same time, Justin, never forgetting his manners, held his hand out for the Father to shake. Father Tom shook Justin's hand while Justin greeted him in turn.
"What can I do for the both of you? Oh, I'm sorry, where's my head?" Father Tom chuckled. "This is Cardinal Manfield. He's visiting some of the parishes in the area."
More pleasantries were exchanged.
"Father, I know this sounds strange, but I'm looking for one of your parishioners," Brian continued. "Look, I won't waste any more of your time - who is the priest in charge of Bingo Night?"
"That would be Father O'Malley, but I'm afraid you can't speak with him," Father Tom replied.
"Why the fuck not!?" Brian exclaimed.
"Brian..." Justin whispered. Both the Cardinal and Father Tom looked at the men oddly.
"Sorry, I really need to speak with him," Brian said, looking sorry for the outburst.
"Well, if it's about one of the parishioners, I could help. I do know them all you know. Father O'Malley has come down with a particularly nasty case of the flu."
"Okay, what the fuck - here it goes. She plays bingo. She supposedly looks like Angela Lansbury..."
"Minerva," Father Tom said. "What do you need with Minerva? I must confess, she's rather an odd one."
"Do you know where I can find her? An address - a phone number," Brian continued.
"Oh Justin, I'm afraid I can't give out that type of information."
Brian was trying desperately to hold his temper in check. Justin interrupted. "Father, this is really important. If you can't tell us where she lives, how about where she might, um..."
"Hang out, hook up, whatever... Father this is really fucking important," Brian interrupted impatiently.
"Well, tonight is bowling night, I do know that, for her and some of the other women in the parish. Minerva keeps very busy."
"So, she's bowling? At the bowling alley?" Justin asked.
"Um, yeah," Father Tom responded.
"Okay," Brian said. "Well, we hate to cut and run, but, um thank you and we'll do lunch sometime," and with that both Justin and Brian took off out of the church at top speed.
The Cardinal looked over at Father Tom. "You know those two?"
"We hooked up once at the Baths." And with that, the two men of the cloth both sighed.
Brian and Justin ran to Ted's car. "Get in Justin. Ted, take us to the bowling alley right fucking now."
"The bowling alley? Oh, are we bowling now?" Emmett clapped his hands.
"Yes, Emmett," Brian replied sarcastically, "in the midst of all this, we thought we would bowl a few sets, maybe have pizza and beer."
Ted made a beeline for Pittsburgh Bowl in record time. This time only Brian got out of the car. "Look, I'm going in to see if Minerva is in there. I'll be right out. You guys stay here."
Brian ran into the alley. He immediately saw a group of elderly women in bowling shirts with the names ST PETERS ANGELS on the back. He also saw the woman he was looking for and noted the fact that she did, indeed look just like that Lansbury woman. He also saw a woman he was most definitely NOT looking for.
Brian thought this night could only get better if Jack were to come back from the dead at that very instant.
He ran up to the group of women, realizing that Joan wouldn't recognize him as he didn't look like her son at the moment.
"Excuse me, are you Minerva?" Brian asked.
Minerva looked up. "How in the hell did you ever find me?" And then Minerva sneezed.
Joan looked up too at that moment. "Minerva, who is this?" Joan asked while peering too closely for Brian's comfort.
"Oh, just someone I ran into last night. I'll be right back. Shall we?" Minerva asked while pointing the way outside, sneezing once again.
"Don't I know you, young man?" Joan asked while following them.
"Wow, now if there ever was an understatement...no, Joan, I really don't think you know me. I don't think you ever really knew me for that matter," Brian said with his trademark Kinney smirk, even though he was currently wearing Justin's face.
"No, I'm sure I know you. . I saw you once, at his loft, the last time I was at his loft. You were living in sin with him then. You're that boy...that boy my son was corrupting - taking advantage of," Joan said with a very indignant look.
"Yeah, I'm him. And if God willing," and Brian smirked again, "Brian will be taking advantage of, corrupting me, as you so succinctly put it, not too long from now. It's always a pleasure to see you Mrs. Kinney," Brian said and bowed out with Minerva, who had been sneezing the entire time, Brian noted suddenly.
When they reached the outside, Ted, Emmet and Justin were standing there. "Brian? Is this her? Is she the one?"
"From the utter lack of surprise on her face, I'm going to go with yes," Brian said while staring very pointedly at Minerva, who kept sneezing.
"Brian? I take it," achoo, "that Joan is your mother?"
"Yeah," Brian answered. "And since when did my mother bowl?"
Minerva gave him a look of pity. "I'll agree that Joan is a bit much," achoo,"I think you've been through enough for one lifetime, I'll change you two back now."
Justin looked up at that moment. "Wait a minute. Were you going to change us back all along?"
"Oh of course. I just thought I might wait to," achoo, " see if you two learned anything from all this."
"Is that why you did this to us?" Justin asked.
Minerva sneezed again. "Oh no, I was bored. So, Brian did you...learn anything?" Minerva asked as she turned to Brian.
"Yeah. Senior citizens should definitely be put into homes, watched and never let out," Brian said with not a little annoyance.
Minerva sneezed again. Oh well, she thought, it would probably take something like a bomb to get someone like Brian Kinney to admit to anything. Her job was done here as far as she was concerned.
Minerva sneezed again. "Um, sweetie, that's a nasty sounding cold you have there," Emmett said.
"Oh, it's not a cold. It's karma - payback. I used too much magic in a 24-hour period. First O'Malley, then you two. It'll stop by tomorrow morning. This is why I have to be very careful. Okay, now you two," Minerva said as she pointed to Brian and Justin. "Stand together so I can aim a little more clearly." Minerva sneezed.
She looked at both of the men. "Klaatu Barada achoo nikto."
Justin looked down. He was very glad to note that he was back in his own body. "Brian! Brian! Isn't it great?!" Justin looked over at Brian. He had a very strange look on his face. "Brian?"
"I'm over here," and with that Justin and everyone else turned around to look at Ted.
Justin looked at Ted and then looked back at Brian, or at least Brian's body standing next to him, "Ted?"
Ted, well Brian's face, began to crack a smile, which got wider and wider by the second.
"Minerva? Did you say the words right? Are those the right words?" Brian (who was currently residing in Ted's body) asked.
"Of course, I said the words correctly. I sneezed and so it threw my aim off. That's all."
Ted, the one in Brian's body, looked up and started to smile even wider. "I'm Brian Kinney. I am Brian Kinney! I have all the power! I can have anyone I want - I can do whatever I want. I'm God." Ted continued to rant and look on in wonder at his new body.
"Ktaatu Barada achhoo Nikto."
Ted looked down at himself and noted that he was back in his old body. "Damn." He looked over at Emmett who was next to him. "Well, it was fun while it lasted. Emmett? Are you okay?"
"I'm not Emmett." Emmett's face looked back at Ted in horror.
Justin looked over at Emmett's body. "Brian?"
"Oh God," then everyone looked over at Brian's body, that was standing next to Justin. "Emmett?"
"Oh Lord! Oh Lord! Look at the new me! I'm Brian Kinney." And everyone watched as Emmett (in Brian's body) jumped up and down in the air while squealing. "Look at me. Oh God!" He was fanning himself and then he did his 'praise Jesus' dance move.
Everyone looked back at Emmett's body, that was currently being inhabited by Brian. Emmett's face looked very pale. "Please Minerva, for the love of whatever god there is, please switch us, switch us right the fuck now."
Emmett, the one in Brian's body, walked over to Minerva and put his arms around her shoulders. "Oh now Minerva. I don't think that would be such a wise idea - now do you? You said this cold thing..."
"sneezing thing," Minerva supplied.
"sneezing thing would only last till tomorrow morning. Now it just wouldn't be safe for you to go casting that little spell anymore tonight, now would it? Hmm, Minerva?"
"Minerva, don't listen to him," Brian interjected, rushing over, almost tripping, trying to steady himself on Emmett's long legs.
"You know. I should really try again, Emmett was it?" Minerva asked looking at Brian's face.
"Oh alright. But you know, you could accidentally switch poor Brian into just about anybody. Now I was thinking, instead, why don't we head over to Torso - they have a scarf there that would look just to-die-for on you!"
"Oh really," Minerva mused while sneezing again.
"Bless you! Really, we should go."
Justin and Ted kept looking on in horror while watching Brian (in Emmett's body) quickly go into panic mode. "Minerva! Minerva. Don't leave me like this. I don't care who you switch me with. Switch me with Justin again. Switch me with..with Ted. Switch me with that vagrant over there that just peed on the wall. JUST GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF EMMETT RIGHT NOW."
Emmett (in Brian's body) steered Minerva away from the other men. "Now let's go head over to Torso. I saw the most dreamy tangerine, velvet pair of pants that would go just perfect for my grand debut at Babylon tonight."
Brian stood looking after Emmet and Minerva. "Emm..Emmett in my body...Babylon...tan...tangerine velvet...?"
Brian's screams could be heard throughout most of the Eastern Seaboard.
Thank you for sticking in with this. You've been a great audience. Exit to the left.
And remember, I love feedback like my Justin loves his Oreos.