Log in

No account? Create an account
19 September 2006 @ 03:17 pm
Queer as Folk Crack!fic Standalone  
Okay - I did it. This will be my only foray into the world of...you guessed it! mPreg!

Someone asked me (on bjfic.net of course) if I would turn my cannibal fic into a mPreg because that would be kinda cool. I said only in a sequel entitled "Three Men eat a Baby," so I said the answer would be a big 'no.'

But I decided I would put some of those mPreg demons to rest and write this. This should give you a good indication of where I stand on the genre.

Hey, knowing that this is me - you know it will be crack!fic. It is humor. Parody. A spoof.

This is my take on the whole sorry (and I do mean sorry genre of mPreg. Please trust me on this one.

All feedback is welcome - you can even flame me all you want.

Hell, I should be flamed AND flogged for this one!

Title: Queer as Folk will be airing on the Sci-Fi Channel, Take Two
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: Post-513
Warnings: Talk of the stages of labor, the colon and, oh nevermind.
Disclaimer: I don't own the boys, Cowlip or a rational thought in my head.

Summary: Daphne takes Justin to her pregnancy and labor classes and Justin gets more than he bargained for.

"Tell me again how you talked me into this?"

"Hello? Duh! Because I need someone to be my partner tonight. Jared couldn't make it and I'm so not going in there alone," Daphne said while grabbing Justin's arm. "It'll be fun - I promise."

"Oh yeah, being in a room full of fat women..."

"We're not fat, we're pregnant..."

"...pregnant women with their pussy-whipped husbands, learning how to breathe. You so owe me for this Daph," Justin said while mock-tickling his very pregnant best-friend.

"Oh shut up! Besides, maybe you'll learn something."

Justin chuckled. "Yeah, like Brian and I would be going through this some day...not!"

As they got to the clinic, they had to bypass the Pro-life protesters outside the doors all carrying signs portraying fetuses in various stages.

"You know, you'd think they would be a little more considerate of the pregnant women around here. Anyways, as I was saying, I meant," Daphne said while leaning over and hugging Justin, "if you ever decided to have someone have a baby for you, you'll be able to appreciate her better and have more empathy for what the woman has to go through - the sacrifice she's willing to make."

As Justin and Daphne stepped into the clinic, a very pregnant woman was seen berating her husband. "I mean it Reggie, don't piss me off - I've been constipated for the past two fucking days and I'm this side of making sure this kid never has any siblings. Never! Do you get what I'm saying?"

"Yes dear," the little man said while looking fixedly at the floor.

Justin gave Daphne a look.

"Stop saying 'I told you so,'" Daphne said while walking towards the classroom.

"I didn't say anything."

"I can still hear you," Daphne said while laughing. "Come on, there's a perfect spot for us right over there."

"Hi Daphne," said a girl who Justin thought looked like a knocked-up cheerleader. "Who's this? God, you always have the cutest guys with you!"

"This is Justin, my best friend and he's gay," Daphne said.

"Oh," the cheerleader pouted.

"She's not sure who the father is - it was some frat party - she's looking for a father," Daphne whispered to Justin.

"Um, Daph, she's pretty big. How far along is she?"

"I don't know. I've seen her here since the beginning. Hey Stacy, when's your due date?"

"Oh, it was Tuesday."

Justin looked perplexed. "That's tomorrow."

"No silly. Tuesday of last week," Stacy said with a smile.

Both Justin and Daphne scooted over to a different spot.

Halfway through the class, while Justin was holding Daphne from behind, with the teacher, one of those hippy mid-wife types, droning on and on about the proper technique for breathing and picking a focal point, he started to fall asleep.

He didn't get to sleep very long when he felt someone shaking him awake. "Justin Justin! Wake up!"

"Huh? What?"

"Class is over. God, you are so embarrassing. You fell asleep during my class! Get up," Daphne said annoyed while giving a hand to Justin to help him off the floor.

"Shit, I don't feel so good," Justin said while clutching his stomach.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know. Oh shit!" Justin raced from the class to the nearest bathroom just in time to vomit into the nearest toilet.

"Justin? Are you okay? Maybe you caught a bug," Daphne said while rubbing circles over Justin's back.

"Yeah, that must be it. Let's go," Justin said while walking shakily next to Daphne.

Just then one of the nurses on staff walked by. "Are you okay Mr Taylor? Maybe there's something we could do. We are trained after all," one of them laughed.

"Yeah, sure, okay."

15 minutes later...

"Well good news Mr Taylor. You don't have the flu!" said the doctor as he came into the examining room where Justin sat on a table with nothing on but a paper gown.

"Okay, so what's wrong with me?"

"You're pregnant."

"I...um...but...I'm...I don't have...it's not..." Justin stammered.

"He's babbling," Daphne said.

"Expected reaction in someone expecting," the doctor laughed. "A little joke I like to use from time to time."

"And he does, all the time," said one of the nurses to Daphne.

"But I'm a guy," Justin said while scratching his head. "I think I'm one. Daph? I'm still male, right?" Justin asked while still in a daze.

"Last time I checked - oh um, not that I've checked or anything," Daphne twittered nervously while biting her lip. "Okay, shutting up now."

Justin looked at the doctor. "But I'm a guy," Justin whined again. "I mean, how did I...where does the baby go...and Brian...oh God, Brian!"

Justin jumped off the table and started to leave the room.

"Mr Taylor," said the doctor, "I expect," the doctor said with a little laugh, "to see you here tomorrow at this time with your partner so we could go over everything, and Mr Taylor? Please put your clothes back on."

The next day

Brian and Justin sat in the little room again where Justin had been told he was pregnant. He had written a list of all the things he would ask so he would spare himself the embarrassment again of babbling like the first time.

"Aw, Mr Taylor. I was expecting you today." The doctor laughed while the nurse rolled her eyes.

"Hello Doctor," Justin replied.

"And this must be your partner, Brian Kinney?"

"How...it...not...possible...can't...but...," Brian stammered.

Justin was glad for his list as Brian was doing a great job on the babbling front for the both of them.

"I see you have a list of questions for me Mr Taylor. Let me take a look at this for you." As he took the list, it rolled to the floor and into the hallway. The nurse looked out the door.

"The list isn't stopping Kyle."

"Why don't we just start from the beginning. Okay Mr Taylor?"

Both Justin and Brian nodded.

"Okay, as you know, men can't have babies but recently we found that the male, usually a very effeminate one, nothing personal Mr Taylor, has dormant eggs nestled away in their colon. You don't have to ovulate for the eggs to be fertile, thereby eliminating that whole menstrual, 28 day-cycle nonsense."

The nurse growled low in her throat.

"So," Justin started. "I had, I have dormant eggs just sitting in my colon? Well, that's kind of, I don't know, creepy. I mean, wouldn't they get flushed out with the..."

"One question at a time Mr Taylor. So as I was saying, some men can actually spontaneously get pregnant. Usually homosexual men, as they're in the type of relationship that would introduce the sperm from the male, the male being of course an Alpha type - a dominant type if you will, into the man's colon."

With this Brian perked up. "As if I could be confused with anything else."

"Ah, Mr Kinney, I presume. Welcome to the land of the coherent again and oh by the way, congratulations on your impending fatherhood."

"Yeah, yeah, is this for real? I mean, where is he going to carry it and how the fuck does it come out?" Brian asked perplexed.

"Yes," Justin asked finally while clearing his throat. "I mean, how does it come out?" Justin was trying desperately to get comfortable on the table.

"Well, you see, right before a woman goes into the middle stage of labor, which is the stage known as pushing the baby out, her cervix starts to contract so that it can expand further. Actually, I don't know why they call those things contractions when they should be called expansions. This is the first stage of labor. Her cervix goes from the size of a dime to the size of, well, the size of a baby's head. Of course, it doesn't ever really get to be the size of the head, it just stops a wee bit short of the head so there's this terrible burn when the head crowns which makes you wonder why doesn't it fully go to the size of the baby's head thereby eliminating the tearing and the burning and the stitching..."

"Doctor. Doctor! Please - Mr Taylor just passed out," sighed the nurse.

"Oh! Huh, was it something I said?"

A few minutes later

Brian sat on the table with Justin while holding his hand.

"So let me get this straight Doctor. Are you saying that my anal walls including my anus, will...will...oh God, contract, no, no, expand to the size of a large grapefruit so a baby's head can pass through?" Justin asked with a dazed look on his face.

"Yes, but as I said before, it won't quite be the size of a..."

"Doctor?" the nurse interrupted.



"Anyhow," the doctor continued, "yes it will expand in order to allow the birth to proceed."

"Hey, did you hear that Justin?" Brian asked in mock-excitement, "after the baby's born, we could always try fisting again."

"Yes, that's true Mr Kinney," the doctor said.

"Oh that's great. So after I deliver our baby by shitting him out, I can then get fisted by you. Well that seems fair," Justin said while still in the same daze. "Doctor, where am I going to be carrying the baby?" Justin asked calmly while his foot tapped nervously against the table.

"Well, in your colon of course. You have no uterus. There is no womb."

"My colon. Of course," Justin twittered.

"Now it is of the utmost importance that you do as I say during this pregnancy. It is imperative that you follow my guidelines so that the baby will grow within the specific limits," the doctor said.

"And that would be?" Justin asked.

"First, drinking and smoking..."

"Got it, no drinking and smoking while pregnant," Justin said.

"Oh goodness no Mr Taylor! Smoke and drink all you want! We want there to be a low birth weight. The baby will be residing in your colon, it can only get to be a certain weight before serious side effects start to occur."

"Okay, so yes to drinking and smoking. But isn't that bad for the baby?" Justin started to question.

The doctor seemed completely oblivious to Justin's concerns while he continued. "And pumping gas - pump gas as much as you can. In fact, pump other peoples' gas if you can too."

"But isn't that bad for the baby..."

"Do you do recreational drugs?" the doctor asked.

"Um, well yeah..." Justin said reluctantly.

"Good, good. Oh, and about your bowel movements. You'll be very constipated throughout your pregnancy."

"So should I take laxatives or something?"

"Oh Mr Taylor - your naivete is so infectious. This is a male pregnancy. Just forget everything you think you know. This is new territory we're exploring! And I'm here to help you make the right decisions to make this pregnancy as easy as possible. You will be constipated for the next nine months - you have to be. Taking laxatives could cause you to deliver prematurely - in essence, you would be aborting the fetus. Actually about the laxatives. Since the discovery of male pregnancies, laxatives have been targeted by the Pro-Life and Christian groups. In fact, as of today, there have been protesters sighted at Metamucil Corp. You know the type, carrying around signs that say FIBER IS THE TOOL OF THE DEVIL and DRINK METAMUCIL - GO TO HELL. Be that as it may, laxatives and their ilk have been banned pretty heavily by Congress. I'm sorry Mr Taylor, but as of this moment, you won't be having another bowel movement for the next forty weeks!"


"Now I'll be giving you a diet to stick to that will make sure you don't..."

"No no no no! Doctor! No - that's no!!! No no no!" Justin said while jumping off the table.

"Now," Brian said while hugging Justin from behind, "isn't this worth a little discomfort? This is our baby you're talking about."

"A little discomfort?" Justin squeaked.

"Oh and I almost forgot. You can't have anal intercourse during the pregnancy nor for six weeks after the birth."

"What?!" Brian shouted. "Where are those fucking laxatives?!"

"Brian, what happened to a little discomfort and our baby?" Justin asked.

"That was before I realized I would have to go without sex for...for...nine months plus six weeks...that makes..."

"Forty six weeks Brian," Justin replied.

"Forty...forty...six...six...," Brian started to stutter and then sat down heavily staring into space.

"Oh great, now we're back to the babbling part again," Justin said.

"Actually, I think Mr Kinney might be comatose," said the nurse.

"Don't worry, he'll be okay. Doctor? So when will I start to show?" Justin asked.

"Shouldn't be too long now. You'll experience some discomfort when sitting."

"Oh, because my stomach will start to protrude? Wow, I never thought of myself as having to wear any maternity tops. Do they make maternity clubwear?"

"About that Mr Taylor. You see, in a woman, the uterus is in front, around her belly button area in between her hip bones. That's the reason for her distended stomach. But in men...since the baby will reside in the colon. You see, all the organs are pushed aside when a woman becomes pregnant and the baby hangs all in front but in men..."

"Doctor - you mean I won't have a large stomach?" Justin actually started to smile until a thought suddenly dawned on him. "If I won't be showing in the front, then where the fuck will I be showing?"

"Yes, Mr Taylor, since it will originate in your colon, well, how can I put it. Your ass will swell to about three times its current size." The doctor started laughing. "It will certainly give new meaning to the word 'boot-tay.'"

"This can't be happening. No no no no," Justin chanted while rocking back and forth on his soon-to-be-really-really-swollen ass. "But I don't get it. It won't be sitting in my ass - just my colon! This doesn't make sense."

"Here, let me show you a picture of what you'll look like in approximately six to seven months." The doctor pulled down a poster of a man at the start of his third trimester.

Justin took one look at the poster and started screaming.

And screaming.

"Justin. Justin! Wake up! You're dreaming. Stop screaming!" Daphne cajoled while trying to wake her best friend.

"What? Oh God. It was a dream, just a dream..." Justin said while waking up. Justin took a look around and saw that all the pregnant women were gone and had been replaced by pregnant men and their partners. He then looked down and saw the size of his ass and started screaming.

And screaming.

"Justin. Justin! For fuck's sake! Wake up! You fell asleep in my class! Wake up!" Daphne was shaking Justin while he kept struggling and screaming.

"Oh God!" Justin looked around panic-stricken. "You're all insane. There's no way I'm pregnant!"

Daphne stared at her best friend and then looked at everyone else in class. "I'm sorry. He's just...bad dream...his mom did crack when she was pregnant."

Everyone nodded and murmured amongst themselves.

"Justin, stop freaking out." Justin took in Daphne's pregnant form and that of all the other women.

"Sorry, oh God that last dream. Um, I gotta go."

Daphne watched as her friend shot up off the floor and ran for the door.

As Justin ran outside, he turned to the protesters. "YOU'RE ALL SICK! METAMUCIL SAVES LIVES!" And with that, Justin turned and ran down the street.

One of the old women turned to another protester. "Well Metamucil saved my life."

Justin ran all the way to the loft, ran up the stairs two at a time and then barreled into the loft, stopping short at the sight of Brian. He then doubled over to catch his breath.

"Oh God Brian. It was only a dream. Thank God. It was horrible. And my ass! It's still normal - it's still normal."

Brian took the sight of Justin in. "As long as you don't pull Zuzu's petals out of your ass, we're all good."

"Brian, I need to ask you a question."

Brian nodded his head, indicating to ask the question already.

"If I were pregnant, would you want me to get rid of it just because you wouldn't want to be deprived of sex for almost a year or because it would be too uncomfortable for me?"

Brian stared back at Justin.

"This is one of those trick questions, isn't it - the kind where no matter how I answer, I'll be wrong. Isn't it?"

-The End-
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Eileen: Besame-Xeileen_donovan on September 19th, 2006 11:00 pm (UTC)
Wrong. Just ... wrong. And now those images are stuck in my head! *whimpers*
Maria: Bad Mommyslave_o_spike on September 19th, 2006 11:34 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry. *slaps my hand for writing disturbing images* Hell, everytime I see another mPreg story listed over at bjfic.net, I get these really weird images in my head.

These women never fully explain the full implications of just what it is they're writing.
(no subject) - eileen_donovan on September 20th, 2006 12:54 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on September 20th, 2006 02:26 am (UTC) (Expand)
Zinneh is Jesus: Justin = Bendyzinnydark on September 19th, 2006 11:17 pm (UTC)
I wasn't expecting to love as much as I did.

(that's a LIE, but the joke just... had to...)

"As long as you don't pull Zuzu's petals out of your ass, we're all good."
~falls out of chair~

Maria: Justin condomslave_o_spike on September 19th, 2006 11:36 pm (UTC)
Thanks - I was thoroughly expecting this to not go over so well.

And I couldn't resist a nod to Zuzu and those petals. :D
calliecallie89 on September 19th, 2006 11:44 pm (UTC)
I LOVED IT and everyone knows that I hate MPREG. You had me laughing and you did it in the perfect way. By making it a nightmare for Justin.

This line just cracks me up. "YOU'RE ALL SICK! METAMUCIL SAVES LIVES"

I'm still laughing. Well done!!

Maria: Bad Mommyslave_o_spike on September 20th, 2006 02:27 am (UTC)
Well I hate mPreg too and I thought I'd never write it but it just screamed to me to do.

It would be a nightmare - it would have to be!

Lada: b_j_76ladooshka on September 20th, 2006 12:46 am (UTC)
I hoped that it was just a very bad graphic dream! And it was))) But I laughed and laughed because of Brian being comatose and Justin faints and all that ass stuff))) and the very end was just to die for!)))

Very funny story! Thank you so much though sometimes I like to read Mpreg)))
Maria: BJ Guh Showerslave_o_spike on September 20th, 2006 02:32 am (UTC)
Yep - it was all a bad dream - I like cannibals better than pregnant men.

Thank you for the wonderful fb (and it's okay - you read whatever turns your fancy - it's all in good clean fun)!
(no subject) - ladooshka on September 20th, 2006 03:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
Xie: blond boy assxie_xie_xie on September 20th, 2006 01:04 am (UTC)
OK, basically I think there should be a law against Mpreg but we can write some kind of exemption for this.

Besides it was a dream.

Plus Zuzu's petals. And ummmmm... Justin's big boo-tay.

And stuff.
Maria: Bad Mommyslave_o_spike on September 20th, 2006 02:34 am (UTC)
I gotta throw Justin's boot-tay in there somewhere - even a dream boot-tay complete with Zuzu's petals.

I'm pretty sure I crossed over another line with this story. Thanks!
shadownyc: paddies  - S5 crack-upshadownyc on September 20th, 2006 01:15 am (UTC)
Maria: BJ copulatingslave_o_spike on September 20th, 2006 02:34 am (UTC)
As long as you're laughing with me...:D
(no subject) - shadownyc on September 20th, 2006 10:22 am (UTC) (Expand)
Chaos..panic..disorder...my work here is done.: bj crackficjillapet on September 20th, 2006 02:12 am (UTC)
...his mom did crack when she was pregnant..."


You won't be having another bowel movement for 40 weeks...


Oh my lovely Maria, you are so the queen of crackenstein.

You so need to post at BJfic.net, just to see what the batshit insane Pro-Lifers say about the laxative crack...
Maria: Buffy Angel was this big...slave_o_spike on September 20th, 2006 02:37 am (UTC)
Queen of Crackenstein - I like it!

I don't think I'll be getting any flames over there as irishcalen said something about not posting any flames, even on the crack!fics.

Personally, I'd love to hear what some of the crackpots have to say - that's just as much fun as the praising fb.

(But I still love the good fb like yours - thanks!)
Rhys1daftpunk on September 20th, 2006 04:07 am (UTC)
oh god. *dies*
Maria: BJ Sex Take 2slave_o_spike on September 20th, 2006 05:32 am (UTC)
I said I would never write this kind of story but it just screamed at me (like non-pregnant!Justin waking up from a nightmare).

zosha: 401 Babylon Couplezosha2003 on September 20th, 2006 04:26 am (UTC)
OHMIGOD - too funny!
Maria: Buffy Angel was this big...slave_o_spike on September 20th, 2006 05:31 am (UTC)
Thank you - I try but I'm really not that funny...:P
daisy: dork islandromantic_cherry on September 20th, 2006 04:40 am (UTC)
holy shit... that was fucking hilarious. i started snickering over the whole 'keep smoking and drinking, etc' part. funny as hell. i'm morbidly drawn to mpreg stories... they're like really bad car wrecks... i just can't stop myself from peeking, and then cringing.
Maria: Frodo doesn't live here anymoreslave_o_spike on September 20th, 2006 05:30 am (UTC)
I just read a story on a site that I classify as 'I shouldn't be going here.' I feel so wrong after reading - or I read something I shouldn't have and then I cringe - but I did it to myself.

Thanks - and this is the last one you will see from me!
Gio: J - 313 golden profilepaddies on September 20th, 2006 08:54 am (UTC)
Maria: B/J ILUslave_o_spike on September 20th, 2006 02:02 pm (UTC)
Shit, I've killed off another one!

I feel like a serial killer slasher.

Hee! Thanks
Still want him in your pack?: justin's pretty asscrack by paddies_alicesprings on September 20th, 2006 09:54 am (UTC)
oh. my. god.
Maria: Bad Mommyslave_o_spike on September 20th, 2006 02:14 pm (UTC)
Is that a good OMG or a Maria-what-were-you-inhaling-you-crazy-bitch OMG? :O
Renaelyxer on September 20th, 2006 11:59 am (UTC)
Brilliant! Still laughing!
Maria: BJ Sex Take 2slave_o_spike on September 20th, 2006 02:04 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

(Are you still laughing now?)
The Talking Malibu Stacey Doll: QaF: B/Jspecialj67 on September 20th, 2006 01:25 pm (UTC)
You are the crack master! I really had to curb the urge to burst out laughing because then people would want to know what was so funny, and really, how would you explain something like this to someone unaware of this truly disturbing phenomenon on the internets? And I loved the ending--I love Brian's line and his suspicion. I thought this whole thing was a piece of cracky mpreg parody brilliance.
Maria: Justin gets caughtslave_o_spike on September 20th, 2006 02:07 pm (UTC)
Ya know, I have that same problem sometimes. My hubby usually wants me to read everything I write to himn (he loves the cannibal fic updates) but I just decided to keep this one to myself this time.

And can you imagine Brian actually being asked that question at the end not knowing from whence it came from (or even if he did)? I had to answer in true Kinney fashion.

Thank you for the wonderful fb!
firehead30: 4 inch heelsfirehead30 on September 20th, 2006 03:49 pm (UTC)
Ok, I am going to try and read this fic this weekend. I love your humour and your obscure references, they make me giggle. BUT mpreg! ugggggg Darlin.
Maria: Enter at your own riskslave_o_spike on September 20th, 2006 05:21 pm (UTC)
Re: perhaps
I have to save stuff to read for the weekend also. Shit! I couldn't even stay home last night to respond to comments being written in because I had to go to 'Kindergarten Curriculum Night.' Can you believe it?

Anyhow, yeah I wrote mPreg - but I'm telling you, never again! The way I write it, you can see the absurdity of the whole situation!
Re: perhaps - firehead30 on September 20th, 2006 05:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: perhaps - slave_o_spike on September 20th, 2006 05:44 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: perhaps - firehead30 on September 20th, 2006 05:47 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: perhaps - slave_o_spike on September 20th, 2006 05:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)