Someone asked me (on bjfic.net of course) if I would turn my cannibal fic into a mPreg because that would be kinda cool. I said only in a sequel entitled "Three Men eat a Baby," so I said the answer would be a big 'no.'
But I decided I would put some of those mPreg demons to rest and write this. This should give you a good indication of where I stand on the genre.
Hey, knowing that this is me - you know it will be crack!fic. It is humor. Parody. A spoof.
This is my take on the whole sorry (and I do mean sorry genre of mPreg. Please trust me on this one.
All feedback is welcome - you can even flame me all you want.
Hell, I should be flamed AND flogged for this one!
Title: Queer as Folk will be airing on the Sci-Fi Channel, Take Two
Warnings: Talk of the stages of labor, the colon and, oh nevermind.
Disclaimer: I don't own the boys, Cowlip or a rational thought in my head.
Summary: Daphne takes Justin to her pregnancy and labor classes and Justin gets more than he bargained for.
"Tell me again how you talked me into this?"
"Hello? Duh! Because I need someone to be my partner tonight. Jared couldn't make it and I'm so not going in there alone," Daphne said while grabbing Justin's arm. "It'll be fun - I promise."
"Oh yeah, being in a room full of fat women..."
"We're not fat, we're pregnant..."
"...pregnant women with their pussy-whipped husbands, learning how to breathe. You so owe me for this Daph," Justin said while mock-tickling his very pregnant best-friend.
"Oh shut up! Besides, maybe you'll learn something."
Justin chuckled. "Yeah, like Brian and I would be going through this some day...not!"
As they got to the clinic, they had to bypass the Pro-life protesters outside the doors all carrying signs portraying fetuses in various stages.
"You know, you'd think they would be a little more considerate of the pregnant women around here. Anyways, as I was saying, I meant," Daphne said while leaning over and hugging Justin, "if you ever decided to have someone have a baby for you, you'll be able to appreciate her better and have more empathy for what the woman has to go through - the sacrifice she's willing to make."
As Justin and Daphne stepped into the clinic, a very pregnant woman was seen berating her husband. "I mean it Reggie, don't piss me off - I've been constipated for the past two fucking days and I'm this side of making sure this kid never has any siblings. Never! Do you get what I'm saying?"
"Yes dear," the little man said while looking fixedly at the floor.
Justin gave Daphne a look.
"Stop saying 'I told you so,'" Daphne said while walking towards the classroom.
"I didn't say anything."
"I can still hear you," Daphne said while laughing. "Come on, there's a perfect spot for us right over there."
"Hi Daphne," said a girl who Justin thought looked like a knocked-up cheerleader. "Who's this? God, you always have the cutest guys with you!"
"This is Justin, my best friend and he's gay," Daphne said.
"Oh," the cheerleader pouted.
"She's not sure who the father is - it was some frat party - she's looking for a father," Daphne whispered to Justin.
"Um, Daph, she's pretty big. How far along is she?"
"I don't know. I've seen her here since the beginning. Hey Stacy, when's your due date?"
"Oh, it was Tuesday."
Justin looked perplexed. "That's tomorrow."
"No silly. Tuesday of last week," Stacy said with a smile.
Both Justin and Daphne scooted over to a different spot.
Halfway through the class, while Justin was holding Daphne from behind, with the teacher, one of those hippy mid-wife types, droning on and on about the proper technique for breathing and picking a focal point, he started to fall asleep.
He didn't get to sleep very long when he felt someone shaking him awake. "Justin Justin! Wake up!"
"Class is over. God, you are so embarrassing. You fell asleep during my class! Get up," Daphne said annoyed while giving a hand to Justin to help him off the floor.
"Shit, I don't feel so good," Justin said while clutching his stomach.
"I don't know. Oh shit!" Justin raced from the class to the nearest bathroom just in time to vomit into the nearest toilet.
"Justin? Are you okay? Maybe you caught a bug," Daphne said while rubbing circles over Justin's back.
"Yeah, that must be it. Let's go," Justin said while walking shakily next to Daphne.
Just then one of the nurses on staff walked by. "Are you okay Mr Taylor? Maybe there's something we could do. We are trained after all," one of them laughed.
"Yeah, sure, okay."
15 minutes later...
"Well good news Mr Taylor. You don't have the flu!" said the doctor as he came into the examining room where Justin sat on a table with nothing on but a paper gown.
"Okay, so what's wrong with me?"
"I...um...but...I'm...I don't have...it's not..." Justin stammered.
"He's babbling," Daphne said.
"Expected reaction in someone expecting," the doctor laughed. "A little joke I like to use from time to time."
"And he does, all the time," said one of the nurses to Daphne.
"But I'm a guy," Justin said while scratching his head. "I think I'm one. Daph? I'm still male, right?" Justin asked while still in a daze.
"Last time I checked - oh um, not that I've checked or anything," Daphne twittered nervously while biting her lip. "Okay, shutting up now."
Justin looked at the doctor. "But I'm a guy," Justin whined again. "I mean, how did I...where does the baby go...and Brian...oh God, Brian!"
Justin jumped off the table and started to leave the room.
"Mr Taylor," said the doctor, "I expect," the doctor said with a little laugh, "to see you here tomorrow at this time with your partner so we could go over everything, and Mr Taylor? Please put your clothes back on."
The next day
Brian and Justin sat in the little room again where Justin had been told he was pregnant. He had written a list of all the things he would ask so he would spare himself the embarrassment again of babbling like the first time.
"Aw, Mr Taylor. I was expecting you today." The doctor laughed while the nurse rolled her eyes.
"Hello Doctor," Justin replied.
"And this must be your partner, Brian Kinney?"
Justin was glad for his list as Brian was doing a great job on the babbling front for the both of them.
"I see you have a list of questions for me Mr Taylor. Let me take a look at this for you." As he took the list, it rolled to the floor and into the hallway. The nurse looked out the door.
"The list isn't stopping Kyle."
"Why don't we just start from the beginning. Okay Mr Taylor?"
Both Justin and Brian nodded.
"Okay, as you know, men can't have babies but recently we found that the male, usually a very effeminate one, nothing personal Mr Taylor, has dormant eggs nestled away in their colon. You don't have to ovulate for the eggs to be fertile, thereby eliminating that whole menstrual, 28 day-cycle nonsense."
The nurse growled low in her throat.
"So," Justin started. "I had, I have dormant eggs just sitting in my colon? Well, that's kind of, I don't know, creepy. I mean, wouldn't they get flushed out with the..."
"One question at a time Mr Taylor. So as I was saying, some men can actually spontaneously get pregnant. Usually homosexual men, as they're in the type of relationship that would introduce the sperm from the male, the male being of course an Alpha type - a dominant type if you will, into the man's colon."
With this Brian perked up. "As if I could be confused with anything else."
"Ah, Mr Kinney, I presume. Welcome to the land of the coherent again and oh by the way, congratulations on your impending fatherhood."
"Yeah, yeah, is this for real? I mean, where is he going to carry it and how the fuck does it come out?" Brian asked perplexed.
"Yes," Justin asked finally while clearing his throat. "I mean, how does it come out?" Justin was trying desperately to get comfortable on the table.
"Well, you see, right before a woman goes into the middle stage of labor, which is the stage known as pushing the baby out, her cervix starts to contract so that it can expand further. Actually, I don't know why they call those things contractions when they should be called expansions. This is the first stage of labor. Her cervix goes from the size of a dime to the size of, well, the size of a baby's head. Of course, it doesn't ever really get to be the size of the head, it just stops a wee bit short of the head so there's this terrible burn when the head crowns which makes you wonder why doesn't it fully go to the size of the baby's head thereby eliminating the tearing and the burning and the stitching..."
"Doctor. Doctor! Please - Mr Taylor just passed out," sighed the nurse.
"Oh! Huh, was it something I said?"
A few minutes later
Brian sat on the table with Justin while holding his hand.
"So let me get this straight Doctor. Are you saying that my anal walls including my anus, will...will...oh God, contract, no, no, expand to the size of a large grapefruit so a baby's head can pass through?" Justin asked with a dazed look on his face.
"Yes, but as I said before, it won't quite be the size of a..."
"Doctor?" the nurse interrupted.
"Anyhow," the doctor continued, "yes it will expand in order to allow the birth to proceed."
"Hey, did you hear that Justin?" Brian asked in mock-excitement, "after the baby's born, we could always try fisting again."
"Yes, that's true Mr Kinney," the doctor said.
"Oh that's great. So after I deliver our baby by shitting him out, I can then get fisted by you. Well that seems fair," Justin said while still in the same daze. "Doctor, where am I going to be carrying the baby?" Justin asked calmly while his foot tapped nervously against the table.
"Well, in your colon of course. You have no uterus. There is no womb."
"My colon. Of course," Justin twittered.
"Now it is of the utmost importance that you do as I say during this pregnancy. It is imperative that you follow my guidelines so that the baby will grow within the specific limits," the doctor said.
"And that would be?" Justin asked.
"First, drinking and smoking..."
"Got it, no drinking and smoking while pregnant," Justin said.
"Oh goodness no Mr Taylor! Smoke and drink all you want! We want there to be a low birth weight. The baby will be residing in your colon, it can only get to be a certain weight before serious side effects start to occur."
"Okay, so yes to drinking and smoking. But isn't that bad for the baby?" Justin started to question.
The doctor seemed completely oblivious to Justin's concerns while he continued. "And pumping gas - pump gas as much as you can. In fact, pump other peoples' gas if you can too."
"But isn't that bad for the baby..."
"Do you do recreational drugs?" the doctor asked.
"Um, well yeah..." Justin said reluctantly.
"Good, good. Oh, and about your bowel movements. You'll be very constipated throughout your pregnancy."
"So should I take laxatives or something?"
"Oh Mr Taylor - your naivete is so infectious. This is a male pregnancy. Just forget everything you think you know. This is new territory we're exploring! And I'm here to help you make the right decisions to make this pregnancy as easy as possible. You will be constipated for the next nine months - you have to be. Taking laxatives could cause you to deliver prematurely - in essence, you would be aborting the fetus. Actually about the laxatives. Since the discovery of male pregnancies, laxatives have been targeted by the Pro-Life and Christian groups. In fact, as of today, there have been protesters sighted at Metamucil Corp. You know the type, carrying around signs that say FIBER IS THE TOOL OF THE DEVIL and DRINK METAMUCIL - GO TO HELL. Be that as it may, laxatives and their ilk have been banned pretty heavily by Congress. I'm sorry Mr Taylor, but as of this moment, you won't be having another bowel movement for the next forty weeks!"
"Now I'll be giving you a diet to stick to that will make sure you don't..."
"No no no no! Doctor! No - that's no!!! No no no!" Justin said while jumping off the table.
"Now," Brian said while hugging Justin from behind, "isn't this worth a little discomfort? This is our baby you're talking about."
"A little discomfort?" Justin squeaked.
"Oh and I almost forgot. You can't have anal intercourse during the pregnancy nor for six weeks after the birth."
"What?!" Brian shouted. "Where are those fucking laxatives?!"
"Brian, what happened to a little discomfort and our baby?" Justin asked.
"That was before I realized I would have to go without sex for...for...nine months plus six weeks...that makes..."
"Forty six weeks Brian," Justin replied.
"Forty...forty...six...six...," Brian started to stutter and then sat down heavily staring into space.
"Oh great, now we're back to the babbling part again," Justin said.
"Actually, I think Mr Kinney might be comatose," said the nurse.
"Don't worry, he'll be okay. Doctor? So when will I start to show?" Justin asked.
"Shouldn't be too long now. You'll experience some discomfort when sitting."
"Oh, because my stomach will start to protrude? Wow, I never thought of myself as having to wear any maternity tops. Do they make maternity clubwear?"
"About that Mr Taylor. You see, in a woman, the uterus is in front, around her belly button area in between her hip bones. That's the reason for her distended stomach. But in men...since the baby will reside in the colon. You see, all the organs are pushed aside when a woman becomes pregnant and the baby hangs all in front but in men..."
"Doctor - you mean I won't have a large stomach?" Justin actually started to smile until a thought suddenly dawned on him. "If I won't be showing in the front, then where the fuck will I be showing?"
"Yes, Mr Taylor, since it will originate in your colon, well, how can I put it. Your ass will swell to about three times its current size." The doctor started laughing. "It will certainly give new meaning to the word 'boot-tay.'"
"This can't be happening. No no no no," Justin chanted while rocking back and forth on his soon-to-be-really-really-swollen ass. "But I don't get it. It won't be sitting in my ass - just my colon! This doesn't make sense."
"Here, let me show you a picture of what you'll look like in approximately six to seven months." The doctor pulled down a poster of a man at the start of his third trimester.
Justin took one look at the poster and started screaming.
"Justin. Justin! Wake up! You're dreaming. Stop screaming!" Daphne cajoled while trying to wake her best friend.
"What? Oh God. It was a dream, just a dream..." Justin said while waking up. Justin took a look around and saw that all the pregnant women were gone and had been replaced by pregnant men and their partners. He then looked down and saw the size of his ass and started screaming.
"Justin. Justin! For fuck's sake! Wake up! You fell asleep in my class! Wake up!" Daphne was shaking Justin while he kept struggling and screaming.
"Oh God!" Justin looked around panic-stricken. "You're all insane. There's no way I'm pregnant!"
Daphne stared at her best friend and then looked at everyone else in class. "I'm sorry. He's just...bad dream...his mom did crack when she was pregnant."
Everyone nodded and murmured amongst themselves.
"Justin, stop freaking out." Justin took in Daphne's pregnant form and that of all the other women.
"Sorry, oh God that last dream. Um, I gotta go."
Daphne watched as her friend shot up off the floor and ran for the door.
As Justin ran outside, he turned to the protesters. "YOU'RE ALL SICK! METAMUCIL SAVES LIVES!" And with that, Justin turned and ran down the street.
One of the old women turned to another protester. "Well Metamucil saved my life."
Justin ran all the way to the loft, ran up the stairs two at a time and then barreled into the loft, stopping short at the sight of Brian. He then doubled over to catch his breath.
"Oh God Brian. It was only a dream. Thank God. It was horrible. And my ass! It's still normal - it's still normal."
Brian took the sight of Justin in. "As long as you don't pull Zuzu's petals out of your ass, we're all good."
"Brian, I need to ask you a question."
Brian nodded his head, indicating to ask the question already.
"If I were pregnant, would you want me to get rid of it just because you wouldn't want to be deprived of sex for almost a year or because it would be too uncomfortable for me?"
Brian stared back at Justin.
"This is one of those trick questions, isn't it - the kind where no matter how I answer, I'll be wrong. Isn't it?"