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29 March 2007 @ 05:26 pm
Happy Birthday xie_xie_xie  
And in honor of Xie's birthday, here's your birthday fic from the cannibal!verse.

And I brought your wives, happier_bunny and _alicesprings along for the ride.

So without further adieu:

Title: Xie goes to save Bunny and Leanne
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Warning: Exploitive use of ragweed
Disclaimer: I don't own the boys or Cowlip or Xie or Joyce or Leanne or Bunny or a rational thought or a pony or...

Xie drove the back roads between Philly and the Pitts quickly, hoping to get to the small town nestled between the two large cities. It had only been four days since she had heard from her dearest friends, Bunny and Leanne, when they informed her that they had decided to settle in the tiny hamlet. They gave no reason as to why they had left everything that they had known behind except that they were happy where they were and they weren't leaving.

So here was Xie now, entering a town she had no knowledge of, ready to locate her dear friends and make them see reason, getting them back to where they belonged.

She wasn't sure of where they were currently living so she decided to do the next best thing. She located the local law enforcement, parked her energy efficient car, straightened out her shirt that read XENA AND GABRIELLE ARE SOOO DOING IT and knocked on the front door.

She was startled when a monkey answered the door.

"Yeah?" the monkey said.

"I'm looking for the local sheriff," Xie said.

"He's a Ranger!" the monkey yelled. "Ben! Someone's at the door!" The monkey turned back to the door, "I'm Mikey. He's watching his favorite movie right now, Silent Running, but it's at the end so you're good."

Xie could hear the unmistakable sounds of Joan Baez coming through the living room and to the front door.

A very handsome, very big man showed up at the door who had apparently been crying.

"Yes, can I help you?" Ranger Ben said while wiping his eyes.

"I'm sorry," Xie said, "did I come at a bad time?" She felt strangely sorry for the weeping man. Especially since he had to deal with the talking monkey.

"No it's okay. I just always cry at the end of the movie. Oh God...the part with the little robot and the watering can...oh God," Ranger Ben said and had to wipe at his eyes again as he started to weep again.

"Maybe I should come back..." Xie began.

"No, no, no. I'm sorry," Ben said then composed himself by breathing in and straightening out his belt. "Now what can I do for you?"

"My two friends just relocated to town here. They're names are," Xie began.

"Bunny and Leanne?" the Ranger asked.

"Yes! Oh I'm so relieved you know them," Xie gushed.

"Oh yes. They just acquired a house in town but they won't be there right now," Ben said.

"But it's late! Where could they possibly be at this time of night in this town?" Xie asked.

"They're probably over by the lake where all the other women have been getting together at night every week," Mikey said.

So the monkey didn't seem all that bad since he seemed to provide her with some useful information. She had gleaned from that that her friends had fallen in with some sort of cult, or a coven. Xie thanked the men, well the man and the monkey, and left, (Ranger Ben congratulating her on her choice of fuel efficient vehicles) driving out to the lake after having asked for directions.

Xie suddenly found herself laughing at the fact that she needed to do an intervention on her friends in order to get them out of the hands of the evil cult, because it must assuredly be evil to have bewitched her friends so.

She felt like she was stuck in the plot of a bad seventies' movie. Any minute now Peter Fonda would arrive and tell her how fucked everything was.

Xie parked her environmentally friendly car in a field next to the lake and saw the vague outlines of several women in the distance. As she approached the women, all crouching down in the underbrush, she spotted the heads of her friends.

"Bunny! Leanne!"

"Xie!" both women said and launched themselves at her. "What are you doing here?" Leanne said excitedly.

"What am I...what am I doing here?" Xie asked incredulously. "What kind of coven...cult...thing are you mixed up in? What? Are you celebrating the summer solstice by..." and then Xie was stopped as Bunny put her hand over her mouth.

"Ssssh," Bunny whispered, "just watch."

Xie looked over at the lake. In front of the lake was a huge rock which was illuminated by the moonlight and made the spot appear to glow. It was then that she noticed it, the water rippling and then two heads appeared out of the water. The naked men emerged from the lake, the shorter of the two running toward the rock and laying flat against it. The taller of the two then appeared in front of the man against the rock and whispered something to him.

They both laughed and then the man started to kiss down the torso of the smaller man.

"That's Brian," Leanne whispered to Xie. All of the other women shushed Leanne.

Xie watched as Brian continued to lick the pale figure in the moonlight. He then started to grind against the smaller body.

"That's Justin, by the way," an elderly woman said from behind her.

"Betsy, sssh," another woman said.

Xie continued to watch on as the two men lavished attention on each other and then Brian wrapped Justin's legs around his waist.

"Oh my, is he going to..." Xie started.

"Sssssh," all the women said.

Brian entered Justin and a loud groan could be heard through the night. "Oh God, Brian..." Justin moaned.

Brian kept up a steady rhythm while thrusting into the boy and it was then that Justin had sneezed, quickly followed by Brian moaning.

"Poor boy is allergic to the ragweed found by the lake," one of the women said and then giggled.

"Joyce! Sssssh," the one called Betsy scolded.

Xie kept a rapturous eye on the two men, so beautiful moving together. Once again there was a sneeze coming from the boy, followed once again by a throaty moan from the older man.

"God! I hate ragweed!" exclaimed Justin. He then sneezed again.

"Mmmmmm," Brian moaned. "It has it's uses."

Just then Justin gave a huge sneeze and Brian screamed loudly, followed by Justin who then screamed.

"Oh...my...God," Xie said.

"I know, it's beautiful, isn't it?" one of the elderly women said.

After basking in the afterglow, the two men parted ways, Brian cleaning Justin's stomach tenderly, then following suit by cleaning his own. He kissed the boy just as tenderly and then they retrieved some clothes from the forest' floor, donning what appeared to be overalls. Justin walked away from the clearing, Brian starting to follow.

Brian then stopped, looked directly at the brush all the women were hidden behind, saluted and then walked off laughing.

All the women came away from their hiding spot.

"Told you he knew," one of the women said, the one that was called Betsy.

"Yeah, well, if you guys weren't so fucking noisy," Bunny piped in.

"Oh, who died and left you God?" the one called Joyce said.

"So, this is why you're staying...it's not that you've been kidnapped into some evil cult or seduced by a coven of witches?" Xie asked.

"What? Fuck no!" Leanne said. "We meet here every three of four days. Brian likes to bring Justin out here a lot."

"Is it any wonder," Xie stated. "So, do you like it here?" Xie asked of her friends, "aside from the obvious, that is."

"Oh it's great! Just make sure to stay away from the homestead and that Debbie woman," Bunny said.

"Don't forget Mel and Lindsay," Leanne piped in.

"Okay," Xie started as she addressed her two friends. She then crossed her arms over her chest, "you know the best part of doing freelance work?"

"What?" Bunny asked.

"You can do it wherever you want," Xie replied with a big smile on her face.

She thought she might like it here.

She would just make sure to stay away from the monkey.

-The End-

Happy Birthday babe!!!
mdlawmdlaw on March 30th, 2007 12:56 am (UTC)
hehee m
Maria: Shaun LOLslave_o_spike on March 30th, 2007 05:59 am (UTC)
*giggles with you*
Lisabrianswalk on March 30th, 2007 01:15 am (UTC)
"God! I hate ragweed!" exclaimed Justin. He then sneezed again.

"Mmmmmm," Brian moaned. "It has it's uses."

Ah, memories...

This was cute.
Maria: Gale Misunderstood Cannibalslave_o_spike on March 30th, 2007 05:59 am (UTC)

They're cannibals!!!!

Okay - yeah you're right - they're cute cannibals...:P
singlewoman: Galesinglewoman on March 30th, 2007 01:17 am (UTC)
I do love your warped mind! What a wonderful present for Xie. I'm sure she'll be as happy as Bunny and Leanne in that little hamlet. Who wouldn't be happy watching Brian and Justin fuck? Sounds like heaven to me.

Please make sure she stays away from the monkey.
Maria: Hello Kitty on a crossslave_o_spike on March 30th, 2007 05:57 am (UTC)
I want to go there too!

We all want to go there (as long as we don't end up in the sausage!!!)

She'll stay far far far far away from the monkey.

PS - I love him in that icon. So beauitful...*drools*
Still want him in your pack?: wives by roc_abs_alicesprings on March 30th, 2007 01:48 am (UTC)
Bwah! Hilarious, but no wife Vamphile? :(
Maria: Danny Equus Mad but Beautifulslave_o_spike on March 30th, 2007 05:55 am (UTC)
She'll be joining you guys soon enough.

Then you can all go down to the lake together.

my2cats: fuck memy2cats on March 30th, 2007 02:32 am (UTC)
That was fun.
Wouldn't we all love to watch Brian and Justin fuck?LOL
Maria: Danny Equus Unstable Boyslave_o_spike on March 30th, 2007 05:54 am (UTC)
Oh God - wouldn't we?

(Well, actually we do, on DVDs over and over and over again).

firehead30firehead30 on March 30th, 2007 02:46 am (UTC)
Lake Coven
The funny thing is that Xie would so charge off to rescue Bunny and Leanne.

Xena and Gabrielle are SOOOOO doing it. *giggles like mad* I take it you have met Xie.

Ranger Ben approving of Xie's car *swoons*

Besty being shushed *dies*

RAGWEED and sneezing Justin squeezing Brian's dick. I don't know if that is sexy or funny, or horrible or well it was really good. Just ask Brian.

And come to think of it, the women who are a part of the Lake Coven are simply going to prayer meeting twice a week.

OMG the thought of Brian and Justin emerging from the lake.
Maria: Frodo doesn't live here anymoreslave_o_spike on March 30th, 2007 05:52 am (UTC)
Re: Lake Coven
Justin: achoo!
Brian: mmmmm
Justin: achoo!
Brian: mmmmm

I think it's kinda turning me on, don't you?

I know - Brian and Justin coming out of a lake.


*falls over and hits head on coffee table*

*comes up with calculation for time travel and more importantly, another crack!fic story*

Yeah - prayer meetin' - praying to the church of Brian and Justin.

Re: Lake Coven - firehead30 on March 30th, 2007 06:02 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Lake Coven - slave_o_spike on March 30th, 2007 06:07 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Lake Coven - firehead30 on March 30th, 2007 06:10 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Lake Coven - slave_o_spike on March 30th, 2007 06:24 am (UTC) (Expand)
Chaos..panic..disorder...my work here is done.: bj crackficjillapet on March 30th, 2007 04:04 am (UTC)

We'll form the Coven of Perverted Old Hags!
Maria: BJ copulatingslave_o_spike on March 30th, 2007 05:49 am (UTC)
So that would be the COPOH.

It would be pronounced KO-PA.

Like in *sings* "At the Copa-copacabana...la la la la la I forgot the words la la la...'

See? It works!
Xie: Subtextual hot tubxie_xie_xie on March 30th, 2007 05:53 am (UTC)
I am home now and have just re-read this hysterically funny and extremely accurate albeit metaphorical story of the love. THANK YOU!!! And send me my t-shirt kthnx.
Maria: cannibal fic I love my spleenless gay soslave_o_spike on March 30th, 2007 06:03 am (UTC)
Leanne asked where Vamphile was. We'll have to wait for her to join you guys on her birthday.


And Thank you for reestablishing the Justin love every now and then.

Aw - you want the t-shirt now? I had to give it to the monkey to get him to say his line correctly.

You know he can't say much past 'Briiiian' and 'Maaaa!!!'

(no subject) - xie_xie_xie on March 30th, 2007 06:14 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - slave_o_spike on March 30th, 2007 06:22 am (UTC) (Expand)
critic75critic75 on March 30th, 2007 07:57 am (UTC)
Another JOY to read. I love, love, love our cannibal iverse. And more joy, there is now a coven of P.O.H., although I wanted to vote for a name change from old to fag, I wouldn't be able to say copfh. Would we still be able to attend The Church of Justin and Brian if we were a coven? I enjoy those spiritual searches so much at the prayer meetings. The visual aids are such a turn-on.

I had never even considered ragweed as a sexual aid. That's way out there, but that's why we depend on you Maria, to take us that one step further.

Spellchecker suggests copfh means cupful.
Maria: cannibal fic copulatingslave_o_spike on March 30th, 2007 03:18 pm (UTC)

It's like coffee, without the 'e.'

Is that like a party or rave without the 'e?'

Hi - I'm Maria. If you're a lover of Brian and Justin and wish to worship in our church (which is also a coven thereby canceling out any theological proclivities) than all you must do to become a member of COPFH, is to meet us at the lake every few nights to partake in the ritual of watching some of the most exquisitely hot male on male sex ever. And let's not forget: dildos, anal beads, butt plugs - these are all the sex toys of old - now we have...ragweed.

So come on down and worship with us COPFH girls and remember...

I'm not just a member, I'm the president.
A fanjustinlovesart on March 30th, 2007 01:03 pm (UTC)
"Yeah, well, if you guys weren't so fucking noisy," Bunny piped in.

"Oh, who died and left you God?" the one called Joyce said.

Maria: My Fandom has chainsawsslave_o_spike on March 30th, 2007 03:20 pm (UTC)

I can so see this snark going back and forth, ya know?
flamencanycflamencanyc on March 31st, 2007 06:56 pm (UTC)
I'm in! Who wouldn't be? *sigh*
Maria: Gale Misunderstood Cannibalslave_o_spike on April 1st, 2007 03:30 am (UTC)
See you under the brush tomorrow night.

(And make sure to bring all sneeze inducing plants).

girloftheburbs: laughing galegirloftheburbs on April 1st, 2007 12:39 am (UTC)
LMAO... I'd love to be one of the coven... ;) hee hee Brian so knew the he had an audience the whole time, (snicker).
Maria: Gale Misunderstood Cannibalslave_o_spike on April 1st, 2007 03:32 am (UTC)
That's because cannibal!Brian is omniscient.

And you can be part of the coven too - just meet us over by the lake with all of the other members of COPFH.

I think next time we meet, we must hide Justin's overalls.


BTW - how in the hell did you find this?!
(no subject) - girloftheburbs on April 1st, 2007 10:22 am (UTC) (Expand)
Hating you makes me all warm inside.: b/j season 5 cracks uphappier_bunny on April 4th, 2007 12:48 am (UTC)

You are hilarious! And omg, how did you know I was God? ;)

Maria: Lightening/Churchslave_o_spike on April 4th, 2007 03:52 am (UTC)
Because you talked to me from your burning bush.

Um...let me re-phrase that...
rosy5000: Brian Smilerosy5000 on September 17th, 2007 07:53 pm (UTC)
*holds sides together* So much pain from laughing!

Betsy is just a dear... don't day the word sperm, but she'll secretly meet with the other worshipers voyeurs to watch Brian and Justin fuck.

Brian getting off from Justin sneezing is just.... *is beyond words*
Maria: BJ copulatingslave_o_spike on September 21st, 2007 05:08 am (UTC)
Someone said only I could use ragweed as a sexual aid. I mean really, who needs butt plugs and dildos.

Use what nature gives you. :)

And yeah, Betsy is something, innit she? LOL! Thanks!
bodleianbodleian on March 30th, 2008 12:31 am (UTC)
I never knew this story existed so obviously I am going to have to spend a lot more time visiting your journal. This was a scream.
Maria: cannibal fic I love my spleenless gay soslave_o_spike on April 5th, 2008 06:03 am (UTC)
LOL! Sorry I'm so late in getting back. I've been uber busy!!!

Thank you! I'm glad you liked this. I hope you read more. It's more silly than gruesome! :)

*points to icon*

This icon will make more sense once you've read the story. :P