First off - I'd like to say Happy Easter to everyone out there!!!!!
Tomorrow is going to be a blast - hopefully the weather will be nicer than it was today. I've got eggs to hide.
I will respond to feedback for the last chapter and this chapter and anything else I've posted. I've just been busy writing, writing, writing. I'm also working on my What If challenge fic.
I hope you like this.
I would like to say a big THANK YOU to shadownyc for doing a quick beta for me! Thank you!! *hugs*
And now, enough of the chit chat....
I give you chapter 15
******SPOILER WARNING*******This is about two parallel worlds. One which we know about and another that our Brian has found himself in. There will be a major character death in the other world - actually - there already has been. There is nothing squicky, per se. It's just a dark story. Our boys will still be together in the end and no, they won't be dead but very much alive - this is the best way I can think of to show once and for fucking all how much Brian Kinney wants to be with Justin Taylor. Just trust me but yes, this will get angsty. *******SPOILER WARNING*********
Title: Through a Mirror Darkly
Pairing: Brian/Justin - duh!
Warnings: Character Death but not what you think.
Summary: Takes a strange turn at the end of Episode 217, when Brian goes to tell Justin about his new partnership.
Disclaimers: I don't own Cowlip or the boys. I am not the Easter Bunny - but I am to my kids.
Author's Note: For the purpose of this story - Justin never went on the trip to Vermont since Mikey was a good friend to BOTH Brian and Justin and convinced Justin to stay and wait for Brian.
Author's Note #2: You can pronounce Cthulhu ka-too-la.
Chapter 1 Brian comes home from Chicago
Chapter 2 Brian tries to get some answers
Chapter 3 Brian confronts the blond in his loft
Chapter 4 Brian runs into Kip
Chapter 5 Brian learns who Justin is
Chapter 6 Brian and Michael learn more
Chapter 7 Brian gets some answers from Justin
Chapter 8 Brian goes back to the loft
Chapter 9 Brian talks to Lindsay
Chapter 10 Brian goes to the diner
Chapter 11 Brian reflects on the situation with Ben
Chapter 12 Brian keeps looking for answers
Chapter 13 Brian learns some hard truths
Chapter 14 Brian remembers something
"You trust me, don't you Sunshine?" Brian asked, using the moniker he had heard being used earlier that day. It really was the perfect nickname for him.
"You know I do Brian...with my life?" Justin said as he looked up at Brian with those guileless eyes.
Brian smiled down at Justin.
Brian started kissing down Justin's neck and all along his collarbone; small sweet kisses. Justin tipped his head back, the pleasure evident on his face. The kisses became more arduous as Brian dipped lower, walking Justin backward at the same time, so that he collided with the bed and fell back.
"Brian," Justin said while beaming up at the older man. He then bit his lip and spread out over the bed, Brian never taking his eyes off Justin. "Do I smell better now?" Justin asked.
"You smelled fine before...you always smell good," Brian said and then attacked Justin lips. Open mouthed kisses were exchanged, Brian grasping on to the shower heated flesh before him. Brian suddenly stopped and broke away, Justin still trying to follow.
"Lay back down," Brian whispered and then started to take off his shirt, followed by his jeans and briefs. Brian climbed onto the bed and then draped his long body over Justin, one hand coming to rest at each side of Justin's head. Brian then leaned over and continued kissing Justin, becoming completely lost in the sensation.
Once again, he was made aware of his interloper status in their world. Justin kissed as if this was their sole form of communication, their way of expressing what they felt toward each other without using words.
And it felt heavenly.
Yes, he could admit that. After all that he had found out that day, it had become harder to hide what he was feeling behind his 'walls.' He could very easily admit that this was a welcome relief to come home to.
But it still didn't alleviate his feelings of guilt associated with what he was currently doing.
Brian stopped and sighed heavily.
"Brian?" Justin asked, a confused look on his face, kiss-swollen lips set in a pout.
Brian bit his lip and looked down at the boy. "Justin, I," and it was there, right on the tip of his tongue, to tell him everything but he couldn't and it went beyond doing it out of respect for Michael. It went beyond doing it because it might upset Justin, and he was pretty sure it would.
He didn't want to give it up.
And it went against everything he stood for.
He may have been an asshole where certain things were concerned but despite what everyone thought, he at least was honest.
Well okay, he knew he was never completely honest. If it had to do with his feelings than yes, he was a liar of the first order, but it wasn't just limited to other people, it was also to himself.
This, this he knew without a doubt was dishonest.
He was the interloper and Justin wasn't his.
But, who knew if he would ever get back? What if this was it, and one of those guardian things decided to come in and set the balance right, like by eliminating the problem once and for all?
These were all very good justifications running around in his head but then something else was there, something in the back that continued to niggle and grate at his conscience, and yes, he did have one.
Brian, the other one, his counterpart.
What was he currently going through over on the other side, without this kid in his life?
He tried to put himself in that position and realized one thing. One very big thing.
He probably wasn't coping very well. Because this is why he had constructed those walls so high. It was so he wouldn't have to feel that kind of pain.
He cared for the kid; well, he was fascinated by him. After all, who wouldn't be with someone who seemed to be completely made for them? He didn't know him very well however. Of course, had he been given the opportunity to have gotten to know him for over a year, he could have quite easily become very attached to him too.
So yes, in all likelihood, the other Brian must be going out of his head right about now.
Especially if he didn't know where he really was.
And now, after everything else that he had been contemplating, there was the fact that he wanted to break one of his cardinal rules; to never bareback.
But really, why couldn't he? They were both negative. The thought of putting himself in danger didn't really register because at the moment he wanted it.
He really, really wanted it.
He wanted to feel Justin, not the latex. He wanted to give that same feeling in return, especially to Justin. He wanted to see Justin's face as he was doing him raw. The word 'raw' suddenly became one of the most exciting and erotic words in the English language. And the kid was nineteen, surely he must have thought about it.
There were just too many thoughts and emotions running through his head in the space of a minute and he knew he had to say something.
"I...I want you," Brian said imploringly to Justin, who he had trapped under him.
Justin stretched his arms over his head while wriggling his naked body on the bed. "Well then," Justin smiled deviously, "you can have me."
Brian really didn't think much beyond that before he attacked the kid again, running his tongue over every available surface he could come into contact with, grabbing wherever he could get a hold. He then turned Justin over and ran his tongue down Justin's back, up and over those glorious cheeks, finally coming to rest at his intended destination.
Pushing his tongue into the entrance, he could hear the most wonderful noises emanating from Justin.
"Always so good, Brian," Justin moaned.
Fucking him mercilessly with his tongue, Justin started gyrating and moaning into the mattress.
"Please Brian, in me, now...I'm gonna cum..."
Brian raised up off the bed and grabbed the lube from the side table and squirted Justin's entrance a bit too liberally. He looked down at his cock, made a split second decision and plunged inside.
Without the condom.
Without the latex there to impede him, Brian was hit with several sensations, all very, very good.
It was warm.
It was soft.
The walls surrounding his cock enveloped him into their stronghold and Brian didn't think he could hold out much longer. The skin on skin contact was too much. He could have one of those monster thingies come through the wall right now if they wanted and he would gladly go with them, once he was done of course. He plunged in again and was welcomed with the same warmth and...
Because when Brian managed to snap out of his lust ridden haze and he regained some semblance of coherency, he noticed an extremely angry blond in front of him.
"What...what the fuck Brian?!?! I mean...fuck!! What the fuck?" Justin stood there, staring accusingly at Brian, while Brian was kneeling on the bed, his mouth hanging agape.
"I...I thought...you know...we should...um," Brian continued to splutter, not quite sure of the words coming out of his mouth.
"You're babbling!" Justin yelled. "What? You said you would never, never...you wanted me safe..."
And then it happened. Justin was standing, no longer angry and accusing, but as if something had become more clear and then the anger was replaced by hurt.
Real genuine, accept no imitations, hurt.
Justin's eyes were getting that tell tale shade of red that indicated only one thing, one thing that Brian had learned after last night.
Justin was about to cry, trying very hard to hold the tears back.
"Justin, I'm sorry," Brian started. "I was just...I thought you might want to..."
"Brian?" Justin asked as he tilted his head to one side.
"Justin, come here," Brian placated as he tapped the space next to him on the bed, "I m sorry, really, I just thought you might like it too."
"But you said," Justin looked at Brian with that extremely hurt expression still locked on his face.
It might as well have been tattooed on the kid's forehead.
He didn't glean enough from what Justin was trying to say but he knew he had fucked up royally.
"Come to bed. I'm sorry. It just slipped," Brian laughed, trying to add levity to the situation.
It was a lame ass attempt. And judging from the way the kid was still looking at him, he realized he had just tried to diffuse a bomb by pouring cold water over it.
"Justin, come here...to me. Please?" Brian implored. He then let the words escape once more, "I'm...sorry."
Now Brian was never the one to say sorry for anything...ever. But he couldn't find himself helping it now. He was saying the words over and over again. He had done something that was no doubt completely and probably irreparable.
He had done this.
Justin looked at Brian and warily climbed into bed. "Maybe we should go back into the other room," Justin said, his voice on the verge of cracking.
"No stay here," Brian whispered while continuing to stroke Justin, soothing him with his kisses. Just kissing and stroking.
Justin lay back on the covers, his eyes now focused on a spot on the ceiling that seemed to be a good place to have his attention on.
He didn't know why he always picked that spot. It just seemed to be there. He then let his mind wander.
He always wondered why it was Brian wanted him to stay with him. At first he thought it was because he felt sorry for him but he was sure that it was something else. He knew Brian cared for him. He was always doing something to show how much he cared and how much he meant to Brian.
But it wasn't enough.
Because he wasn't sure, with all the mixed signals that Brian threw his way, what exactly it was that Brian wanted.
Brian thought that what Justin wanted was the words and everything that came with them. Romantic delusions, flowers and what have you. He remembered what Ethan had said on his birthday about breakfast in bed and all that bullshit.
He didn't want all that.
But he wanted the words.
He wanted them like he wanted nothing else. He wanted to know that this, all of this, is what Brian wanted. That Brian was happy with him there at the loft and in his life.
He knew Brian cared for him.
But he also knew, as surely as he knew he was right handed, that he was cramping Brian's style and that he must be a burden but Brian would never say anything like that, ever. He would rather leave Brian forever than feel as if he were a dead weight on the man's shoulder.
Because he loved Brian that much.
And Justin knew that if he confronted Brian and asked him if he wanted to leave, Brian would say that it was his call.
And then there was the fact that he wasn't sure what he meant to Brian. There were so many things that went through his head on a daily basis.
Yes, the words would be nice, because then he would know without a doubt whether the man loved him or not.
Justin remembered the person he himself had been only a year ago; so brave and fearless. He missed that man and yes, although he had only been seventeen, he had still considered himself a man. Justin reflected on how confident he had been then. He had felt that the world was his and that once he graduated from St James, he could then take on the art world, it not knowing what had hit it. But now, since the accident, his gimp hand, his father adding insult onto injury by not paying his tuition, thereby having to rely once again on Brian, his embarrassing and then disastrous turn as one of Sap's dancer's and subsequently, the almost rape that occurred, and of course, and always, Brian's own insecurities - it was all just too much and had diminished his confidence.
And then, then if things weren't bad enough, he had come back from Chicago and he acted like such an ass, that Justin really thought things were fucked up. But then they had come home and they had made love and yes, Justin called it love because it was truly amazing.
It felt as if Brian was making love to him for the first time. Brian had been in such awe as they had been entwined in each other's arms.
It renewed him. It made him feel whole.
But that was all short lived...because here he was.
And despite all that he had been feeling before Brian had left for Chicago, all his own insecurities, the one thing he thought he could rely on, without a doubt, was that Brian cared about him - somewhere in Brian's head, behind all those walls, he meant something to the man because he cared.
Those words kept running through his head on repeat...
I want you safe...I want you around for a long time.
They came back to bite him in his, what Brian called, his fuckable ass.
Brian was letting him know, in his own way, he just didn't care anymore. This is what he meant to the man. He was pushing Justin off a cliff so he didn't have to say it directly. He would never put them both in danger like that if it wasn't so. Justin was good for fucking. That was it. And even that wasn't enough for Brian anymore apparently.
Justin kept looking at the spot on the ceiling. The only sounds that issued from the bedroom were Brian's quiet words of comfort, the cars passing by in the afternoon rush hour and the sound of his own heart, slowly breaking in two.
And in the other place, a few hours later
Michael left and Brian then turned to the once again empty loft, wondering when his living space had seemed so large and vacant. He fingered the photo and looked down into the smiling face.
Soon Sunshine, soon.
This time there was no hint of mockery or sarcasm when he said the name.
Brian slumped against the wall while lighting his third cigarette. It was 4:45 PM and he was waiting for Daphne. Every time he heard someone coming up the stairs, he would look over, only to see another college coed walk down the hallway and to their apartment, ready to get on with their own little lives.
No one seemed to pay any attention to him.
But circumstances being what they were, he would stand with his face turned to the wall, just in case someone decided that he didn't look like he belonged there and decided that he must be loitering.
So his brilliant idea was to make it look like he belonged there.
Yes, he thought wryly, because a thirty year old man who hadn't showered or shaven in over twenty-four hours looked like he belonged in a college apartment complex.
He looked down at his watch after some time had passed.
It was 4:58.
Brian looked at the stairs when he heard someone coming.
A girl with blond hair and a tuba had ascended the stairs, walked by him, said 'sorry' when she bumped into him and continued on.
Brian sighed and then went over all the possible scenarios in his head again for what he would say when he was confronted by Daphne.
Hi Daphne. You don't know me but I popped your best friend's cherry. By the way, do yo know where he resides now?
That wouldn't exactly do. It seemed logical but he had to approach it from a different angle. He needed to find a way to reassure her of his intentions.
Daphne, I'm looking for Justin. I'm not a psycho, a stalker or a serial killer, so don't worry. Do you know how I can get in touch with him?
That would certainly put her mind at ease.
Then there was the last possibility, which seemed to him the one he might actually do when push came to shove.
Grabbing her from behind, he could use the Terminator approach.
Tell me where Justin is and I'll let you live.
Yes, that would go over well.
Brian looked at his watch.
She was now officially late.
Another sound could be heard coming from the stairwell and he knew, he just knew, it wouldn't be her.
And then the person came around the bend and Brian knew he needed to stop listening to himself because there she was.
And in that moment, Brian forgot everything he knew. He forgot what he was going to say. He forgot everything that had happened to him. He forgot all the front doors with something nasty or unknown behind them.
Everything, because it was Daphne.
Brian watched as who he now considered to be an angel, go to her door and he then advanced on her.
She looked at him, smiled and said, "excuse me, this is my door."
Brian looked down at her and without warning, took her into a fierce hug, forcing the air out of Daphne's lungs.
"Um...do I know know you?" she asked while trying to catch her breath.
Brian stepped back and looked at what was no doubt and nobody could argue it with him, the most beautiful girl in the world, while trying to speak without his voice cracking.
"Oh God, Daphne, you don't know how good it is to see you," he said and smiled.
And with that, Brian hugged the girl to him once more, feeling for the first time in his life what the tears of relief felt like on his cheeks.
Feedback will make my Easter wonderful and I really do promise to respond - I just wanted to get this chapter out to you!
Once again - Happy Easter!!!!