Yep, it's crack!fic!
And I'm working on Chapter 20 of my Mirror fic. RL, you know. :P
So here you go!!!!
Title: The Road Warrior
Written By: slave_o_spike
Warnings: Crack!fic; dark humor
What if: Brian and Justin lived in a post apocalyptic world ALA the Road Warrior?
Author's Notes: I would like to thank my beta singlewoman for catching my errors and being someone to bounce this off of. Thanks hon!!!
It didn't really take much for the world to finally end. It started in the States, of course, soon after the strange disappearance of the last known space craft, the Icarus, which had gone into the great unknown.
Militant vegans had decided that meat was evil and that they would take drastic measures to insure the world's conversion. They first had the help of PETA but when the organization had heard of their dastardly plan, they had tried to stop the delusional vegetarians and a war broke out.
The plan had been to kill all the cows, chickens and pigs, thereby insuring that no one could ever eat meat again.
PETA wouldn't stand for it and there were terrorist bombings and mass destruction and in the end, the vegans won out since they never had to take time out for personal hygiene.
Unfortunately the consequences of their actions ran far deeper than anyone could have foreseen. After the livestock had been wiped out, the grass that had once been policed by the animals, grew to ten times its capacity, thereby releasing a certain pollen into the air unchecked that caused a certain species of mosquitoes to thrive. These mosquitoes in turn fed on the populace at large, spreading a deadly disease whose mortality rate was quite high and had a nasty side effect of creating low sperm and egg count, thereby making people sterile. Scientists worked round the clock to find a cure, which ironically enough, was an enzyme found in the intestinal tract of all cows, chickens and pigs.
So it came to be that the world's population was decreased by two-thirds its size and the last remaining third, sterile, resulting in zero population growth.
The basis for all civilization was ruined, cities fell, and people reverted back to their savage ways. Rag tag groups, now formed into gangs, laying claim to what was once great populaces or even small parcels of land.
And so this story is about one such burg, a burg where certain gangs fight for supreme rulership. The city once known as Pittsburgh, now known as Babylon, named after its sole basis of operation, a once thriving night club for gay men. The current potentate of Babylon, only known as the Sap, rules with his men, not having been challenged by any outside gangs. His sovereignty protected by the gangs surrounding the periphery of the club.
But Sap's seat was being threatened by one individual. An individual who had a name for himself along with his own gang, outside of the burg. An individual who decided he and his gang would lay claim to what once used to be their home, where he himself had once been king.
That is, right before the shit hit the fan.
They call him the Road Warrior.
But you can call him Brian.
And this is his story.
The man rode along on his motorcycle, the boy behind him clutching onto him from around his waist. He knew this was going to be tough going but he was determined to claim Babylon for himself once again, now that he had taken out Sap and his men.
Sap and his men had put up quite a fight, but in the end, his own greed and lust for power had been his downfall. Had he stayed in his own little hamlet and within the protection of Babylon's walls, he would have still lived. But as it were, he had decided to spread out and lay claim to the surrounding burgs, thereby opening himself up for attack for any gang that happened to be there.
Brian and his gang had been there.
He would have to establish himself as the new ruler. He would have to prove to the gangs that they had to follow him.
Brian looked behind him and motioned everyone to follow him as they reached the city limits.
Brian rode through town, his gang behind him, a blond head perched on his shoulder.
"We're here," he said to the kid behind him, as he pulled the bike to a stop and casually got off.
The boy behind Brian had jumped off the bike and came around to stand in front of Brian. Brian lifted the chin of the kid, lightly stroking the choker made of one of his motorcycle chains, "Justin, you stay close to me, got it?"
Justin nodded his head in the affirmative.
Brian smiled as he gazed upon Justin. From the top of his blond head, down past his kohl-lined eyes, his beautiful smile, his wonderfully bare pale chest, past the low riding jeans and down finally to the combat boots that were much too big for his feet.
Although the kid had pretty big feet for someone his size and that thought brought him to thinking about Justin's toes and the way they scrunched up when he was cumming and that thought led him to places he couldn't think about right now.
He had to get his game face on.
He motioned the other members of his gang over.
"First, we need to go over to the Liberty Baths, and then we can start settling in. There's a guy there, his name's 'Brain,'" Brian said and chuckled, "who can help us get in touch with the right people."
A large man, a Buddha tattoo gracing his massive, glistening chest, stepped up to Brian, "We're with you Brian."
"Thanks Ben," Brian said as he put his hand on the man's shoulder.
"Me too, Brian," another man exclaimed while bouncing up to Brian, looking up at the man with adoration.
"I can always count on you Mikey," Brian said and smiled.
Brian turned to Justin once again. "Remember what I said, okay? You stay close to me."
Justin rolled his eyes and set his lips in a thin line while crossing his arms over his bare chest.
"Don't give me that 'I'm a man now, stop treating me like a baby' shit!" Brian exclaimed.
Ben leaned over Mikey. "It's so weird how he knows everything he's saying."
Brian leaned over the blond and kissed him on his forehead.
The quartet headed in the direction of what used to be the Bathhouse. As they came to the door, a young man was seen standing guard outside. The man came up to the group before they could get past him.
"Just passing through?" the man asked, his stance showing that it wasn't a question. The man looked over who appeared to be the leader of the gang. He was a tall, beautiful man, snug fitting leather pants hugging his slim frame, a crossbow attached to his side.
"We're here to see someone. They call him the Brain."
"Yeah, Brain's here. Who wants to see him?" the man asked warily, addressing who he still considered the leader.
"Tell him the Road Warrior."
The man laughed, "You're the Road Warrior? I thought you'd be, I don't know, seven feet tall or somethin.'"
"What's up sweetie," a man said as he came out of the front door. "Oh my lord! Brian? Is that you?" the man squealed.
"Emmett, how," Brian coughed, "lovely to see you."
"Oh Blake, baby, go on in and get the Brain," Emmett said, using air quotes when he said 'Brain.'
"I have a strange feeling about this," Brian said looking back at his gang.
Ben came up behind Brian. "What is it?" he asked.
"You don't think," Mikey started.
"Just wait," Brian said.
A sullen, dark haired man walked out, wearing a dirty trench coat and baggy dark pants. "Brian?"
"Theodore?" Brian asked.
"Theodore?" Blake repeated.
"I go by the name Brain now," Ted said as he straightened himself out.
"Whatever," Brian said as he walked up to Ted. "Look I've come to claim my rightful place at Babylon."
Ted laughed. "You think the gangs are just gonna let you waltz right past them. Sap'll be back soon enough."
"Sap's not coming back. We took care of him and his men," Brian said.
"The gangs'll want proof," Ted said matter of factly.
Justin came forward and handed a large duffel bag to Brian. Brian opened the bag and showed Ted the contents.
"Whoa. Good proof," Ted said and stepped back. "God, that's foul."
Emmett peered into the bag also and quickly fainted.
Ted looked at the boy who had handed Brian the bag. "Who's this?"
"Justin. He's mine," Brain said as he stepped in front of the boy, "so back off."
"I've got Blake now," Ted indicated as he looked behind him. Blake proceeded to wave at everyone. "How old is he?"
"Seventeen," Brian said.
Ted raised an eyebrow. "Did you adopt him?" Ted laughed. "What happened to his throat?" Ted asked as he noted the strange jagged scar not hidden very well under the motorcycle choker.
"That's how I found him. Some gang had cut out his throat. He can't talk," Brian said.
"What, did they do something to him so horrific that they didn't want him to talk about it?" Ted asked.
"No, they said he talked too much."
Justin rolled his eyes.
"Well, if Sap and his men have been taken out," Ted said as he circled Brian, "I don't see why you can't establish yourself as the new king around here. I mean, you'll have to prove yourself to the other gangs, but I've heard about what you've been up to. I think you can do it," Ted finished off. Ted turned to Blake. "Fill Brian in on who the current gangs are now."
"Sure thing, Theodore," Blake said and smiled.
Ted glared at Blake. "Emmett, come with me. Let's start getting things settled for them," and with that Ted and Emmett went back into the bath house.
"Well first you have," Blake started and then stopped. "Uh oh, looks like here's one of them now."
The entire gang looked in the direction Blake was staring.
"We heard there's someone new in town. We came to see," a boy said as he made his way to the front of a gang of young men, all dressed pretty shabbily. Some of them had pink shirts on.
Brian took note of the new arrivals. "Wow that was fast. Who are you? Not-so-Nsync?"
"We're the Pink Posse. I'm the leader, Cody," he sneered back.
"The Pink Posse? How lame is that?" Brian said.
Justin rolled his eyes.
"So you're the Road Warrior? I've heard of you. And the Monk there," Cody said as he pointed out Ben. "You must be the monkey," Cody said as he looked at Michael.
"Cuz you heard the Monk always travels with the Monkey?" Michael asked.
"Oh, I never heard that," Cody said in confusion. "So? I hope you don't think you're gonna take over here. Sap's got me and my gang second in command and Sap won't like it when he finds out about you," Cody said with a self-satisfied smile.
"Sap's not a problem right now," Brian smirked back.
"Yeah, well he's not here to tell me differently," Cody shot back.
"I took Sap out, and I don't mean to dinner," Brian said, his tongue in his cheek.
Cody laughed and everyone else followed suit. "I bet you did. You got proof?"
"How about this," and with that Brian pulled the thing out of his duffel bag that Michael had brought up to him.
"Whoa. Good proof," Cody said as he backed away from the thing. "Okay, so you want to be de-facto king, is that it?"
"Uh...Cody...maybe we should just let him be king and you know, grovel at his feet," one of the gang members whispered to Cody.
"I don't think so." Suddenly Cody caught sight of someone that moved behind Brian.
"Well, who's this? Isn't he a cutie. Hey precious," Cody said as he looked at Justin. "So this is your little toy?" he directed at Brian.
Justin walked up to Cody and smiled. He then reached out, grabbed Cody around the neck and twisted.
Justin moved to stand next to Brian, who looked down at him with one raised eyebrow.
Justin shrugged his shoulders and pointed to his hair.
"So you didn't like his hair cut?" Brian asked.
"Was that little demonstration necessary?" one of the gang members droned. "Great, so now we need a new leader."
"Well, the fiddler is the second in command," another one of the gang members said.
"It's violinist, vio-lin-ist," a boy sighed who walked out of the crowd. "Fuck, hi," the boy said as he extended his hand out to Brian, "I'm Ethan." Unlike the rest of them, he wasn't wearing a pink shirt. "Oh thanks for making me the new leader," Ethan said as he smiled at Justin and waved.
Justin waved and smiled back.
Brian turned around and growled. "Well, aren't you the little chatterbox?"
Justin rolled his eyes.
"Alright Ian," Brian started.
"Whatever, here's how it goes. You can keep your little gang, but I'm king here now, got it?"
"Sure, no problem," Ethan said.
"Hey wait a minute," one of the boys said as they came to the front, holding a cross bow. "Cody would never have just given in like that."
The boy held the crossbow nervously.
Ben stepped forward. "Put that down. Those things are dangerous."
All of a sudden, as if on cue, the hair trigger went off and an arrow went flying through the air.
And landed in Justin's right shoulder.
A loud, angry roar emanated from Brian.
Emmett and Ted, hearing the cry of anguish deep inside the bath house, stopped to listen.
"What was that?" Emmett exclaimed, his hand going to his heart.
"I don't know, but the last time I heard that come from Brian, he found out he owned the last known pair of Prada boots," Ted said.
Ted and Emmett raced to the scene and took in the distraught man hovering over Justin.
"Do something," Michael said while jumping up and down.
"Oh fuck, this is bad," one of the boys said in the group. "He looks really pissed."
"I know!" one of them said as an idea came to him. "Here, take Sean," a boy said as he pushed a very nervous, gangly boy toward the crazed man.
Brian paused long enough in his grief to take his crossbow, aim it at Sean and pull the trigger.
"Any more bright ideas?" Ethan asked.
"Damn!" one of the boys said. "He had a tight ass too."
"Ted, you know what to do," Brian implored the man, "fix him!"
"Damnit Brian. I'm an evil scientist, not a doctor!!!" Ted exclaimed.
"Will he be okay?" Ethan asked.
Brian growled at the violinist.
"Okay, words have escaped you for now," Ethan said and backed away from the scary, growling man.
"Just let it go," Emmett said while putting his hand on Ethan's arm.
"You know, there's this group, the Council of Twelve. Word has it they're led by the Chosen One. Maybe you could go there. They could probably help Justin," Ethan said.
Brian's head shot up. "They could?" Hope was his once again!
"Yeah, I've heard of them," Ben said. "But no one knows where they're located. They're next to impossible to find."
"Kip back there knows where they are," Ethan said as he pointed to the back.
A skinny man tried to shrink away from the rest of the group.
"Who?" Brian asked and stood up.
"Kip," Ethan said and pointed once again to the back.
"There's no...no Kip here," said the skinny man.
"Sure there is," the man standing next to the skinny man said, "come on Kip, go on up front." The man then pushed the skinny man, who appeared to be the one named Kip, forward.
"You know of this council?" Brian asked.
"No...no I don't," Kip said nervously.
"What's wrong with you?" Ethan said. "You know where they are, tell the man."
"Do you know or not?" Brian growled.
"No...no," Kip said while shaking his head.
Brian's eyes narrowed at the skittish man. "You do, don't you?"
Kip looked around at everyone. "They're a very private society. I can't just tell you!" Brian pointed the crossbow at him.
The man shrunk away from the bow.
"Um," Ted said, "that might not be such a good idea. You kill him, and then we'll never find someone to heal Justin. Look, I have a new torture device I want to try out. We can make him talk," Ted said as he smiled at Kip.
"Torture...torture device?" Kip gulped.
Brian smiled. "Lead the way...Brain!"
Ted glared at Brian and moved forward, towards a room in the very back of the bath house. Ben grabbed hold of Kip, Brian picked Justin up and cradled him in his arms while the rest of the gang followed.
Ted stood in front of a huge apparatus. "I call it," Ted said as he lifted the tarp, "the soda machine!"
"It's a soda machine," Michael said impassively.
"Now I know you all know how to operate a soda machine. But let me first show you how the machination of the machine works. Here's the button, which labels the Coke product, you push the button, and it dispenses the Coke into a cup."
"Wow, your genius completely astounds me," Brian said.
Ted ignored Brian and continued. "If you follow the back of the machine, there are tubes," Ted said as he held up one of the tubes. "Each tube leads to a different flavor syrup that is held within a bag-in-box set-up. Syrup goes through the tube, mixes with the Co2 and water and...voila...soda in a cup! Well, in this case, instead of being hooked up to syrup, the tubes'll be hooked up to the intended victim," Ted indicated while pointing at Kip. "Ben, set Kip down on the table and restrain him."
"There are laws for this sort of thing ya know," Kip started to babble.
"Not anymore Skip," Brian said with a smile. He then leaned down over the supine figure, "you should have just told us where they are."
"It's Kip. I'll sue! I can get legal counsel," Kip screamed as the restraints were tightened.
"Not anymore asswipe. All the lawyers were the first to go after the shit hit the fan," Michael said.
"Okay, so now we attach all the probes to the parts of the body indicated on the chart, thusly," Ted said as he whistled and hooked Kip up to the various tubing, eight in all.
"So, there's one left," Ben said while holding up the Dr Pepper tubing, "does this go where I think it goes?" Ben gulped.
"Oh, let me do that," Ted said as he hooked up the Dr Pepper tube.
Everyone grabbed hold of their groins as they watched Ted hook up the last tube.
"Okay, so now we start off slowly," Ted said and pushed the Sprite button.
Kip arched off the table. "Owwww! That hurt!"
"That's just the Sprite too," Ted said.
"So where is the Chosen One?" Brian asked.
"I can handle this asshole!" Kip screamed. "You can do whatever you want, I'll never tell," Kip smiled back.
Ted clapped his hands together and then advanced on the machine once more. "Alright, we're heading to Diet Coke now," but before Ted could push the button, Brian slammed on the Dr Pepper.
An inhuman scream could be heard all throughout the decaying bath house.
"Did you have to go straight to Dr Pepper?" Ted asked dejectedly. "What part of 'let's start slowly' do you not understand? Do you even know how torture works?" Ted asked while throwing his hands up in the air.
"Fuck it. We don't have time," Brian spat out and then rounded on Kip who was whimpering in mass pain on the table. "Where's the Chosen one? Spill or I'll go for the Dr Pepper again." Brian poised his finger on the Dr Pepper.
And with that Kip spilled. In fact, he didn't stop at telling them where to find the Council of Twelve or the Chosen One, but kept going until he had confessed all of his past transgressions as well.
The group took off in search of the Council, leaving the still blabbering Kip on the table.
Once the group had traveled to somewhere in West Virginia, at least they thought they did, but to this day, no one is still quite sure of that, they came upon a sign that read:
COUNCIL OF TWELVE - TO THE RIGHT
WATCH YOUR STEP
Sure enough, they came to a clearing where a circle of twelve hooded people stood.
"Who disturbs us?" one of the hooded figures yelled out.
"We're looking for the Chosen One. We hear they could help," Brian said as he stepped forward, Justin clutched securely in his arms. "My...my non-conventional boyfriend is seriously wounded, so we require their help."
One of the hooded figures slumped over and whined, "well, it's not something we normally do, but what the hell." He then stood tall and proclaimed, "we shall alert her of your presence."
The figure walked away and then came back in another five minutes with who must most assuredly be the Chosen One.
The gang gasped.
"Ma? You're the Chosen One?" Mikey screeched,
"Go figure," Debbie shrugged. "What are you guys doing all the way out here? What," Debbie said as she put her hands on her hips, "the world's supply of condoms finally run out?"
"Fuck, it was only a joke," Debbie muttered. "So?" Debbie then noticed the blond boy in Brian's arms. She ran over to them and gazed at the boy. "Oh! What a sweetheart! The poor baby," Debbie cooed over Justin.
"That's why we're here," Brian said. "I was told you could help heal him." Brian sighed while looking at Debbie. "I guess we're fucked."
"Oh Brian," Debbie said, smiling up at the man she had considered a son for so long, "you always had it in you to fix Sunshine. You just need to take him."
"Take him?" Brian shrugged. "Take him where?"
"Take him," Debbie repeated.
"You...you want me to fuck him?" Brian asked incredulously.
"Yes, Brian," Debbie nodded while smiling widely.
"Well," Brian said, his tongue planted in his cheek, "the Chosen One said so." Brian stepped into the middle of the circle and unzipped his leather pants.
There was a collective gasp as a gold light emanated from within.
"Oooh, it's like the Holy Grail," one of the hooded figures said.
It didn't take long for Brian to get hard, especially at the thought of fucking Justin in front of an audience. He put a condom on and was about to lean over Justin when he realized something was missing.
"Hey Ted," Brian shouted, "I need lube. Got any?"
"What's the matter? The cock of power doesn't have its own lubrication?" Ted shouted back.
"Shut the fuck up," Brian shot back giving Ted the look.
"Fine...fine. Here's a new batch I've been working on. I call it Super Lube 2000," Ted said as he handed a tube over to Brian.
Brian squirted some of the fluid on his cock and then prepared Justin's entrance. When he knew he had sufficiently lubricated them both, he breached Justin's hole and found himself immediately slipping all the way inside to the hilt, Justin arching his back below him.
"Ted!" Brian shouted. "A warning would have been nice."
"Sorry. I guess it's still a work in progress," Ted shrugged.
Despite the slickness, Brian managed to maneuver his way in and out of the tight channel, Justin becoming more and more aware as he came closer and closer to orgasm. His eyes shot open and they alighted on Brian above him.
"Just a little bit more, Justin," Brian moaned.
Like Lazarus coming back from the dead, Justin shot up off the ground and came, his body shaking uncontrollably with the after shocks.
Brian, the vice-like grip squeezing his cock, came with a mighty roar and fell atop the satiated body beneath him.
"Welcome back Sunshine," Brian smiled down at the boy.
Justin looked up and smiled. Brian picked up Justin, swung him around and set him back on the ground, where he proceeded to kiss him passionately on the lips. While doing this, one of Brian's arrows on his crossbow accidentally shot off and hit one of the council members.
"You know, I've always said those things were dangerous," Ben said as he pointed to the crossbow.
"Oh, isn't this great!?" Debbie exclaimed as she took in the happy reunion of Brian and Justin.
"Yeah, very touching, Justin's been healed by Super Dick over there," Ted said. "Now what I want to know is why they think you're the Chosen One?" Ted said as he directed his pointed finger at Debbie.
"I forgot to tell you why they think I'm so important," Debbie exclaimed as she jumped up.
"Because if they ever needed food, you could feed a whole village?" Brian asked.
"Very funny asshole," Debbie said as she smirked at Brian. "I'm not the Chosen One...the male who's still fertile is." She then pointed behind her at the council. "They, the Council of Twelve," and with that someone on the council cleared their throat, "well, the Council of Eleven, said I'm the Chosen One's mother."
Everyone stared at Debbie when what that implied sunk in.
Everyone except Michael.
"Baby! It's you. You're the Chosen One! You're not shootin blanks. Isn't that great?!" Debbie shrieked as she grabbed Michael around the neck and hugged him.
"Me?!!?" Michael choked out.
"Huh," Emmett said, "I guess dick size has nothing to with it."
"Yes, honey...you," Debbie continued. "They found your mate, whose name is Mel by the way, who's as fertile as you."
"Mel? You mean it's a guy?" Michael screeched.
"No, no, no. Mel is short for Melanie sweetie," Debbie smiled. "Pfft. Males can't get pregnant," Debbie said as she smacked Mikey upside the head.
"Hey Ma! Stop it. I'm the Chosen One, remember?"
"So," Ted said, "Mikey and this Mel are going to repopulate the planet. The new Adam and Eve, if you will."
"I wonder what implications that'll have in the years to come," Ben said.
Justin looked out at the landscape and shuddered.
2,000 years later
The spacecraft Icarus landed on the beach front. As the hatchway flipped open, two American astronauts exited the craft.
"So, about that wormhole..." the first one said.
"I think we were thrown into the future, Dodge," the second one said. "That's what that wormhole was about."
"Well, thankfully this planet looks habitable. I wonder where we are Landon?" Dodge said.
"I know this sounds strange, but I think we're on earth...only in the future."
"Could be," Dodge said.
All of a sudden, two horses arrived on the scene. When the astronauts looked up, they were shocked to see two apes, dressed in full military uniforms.
"You two, halt there," one of the two apes shouted out to them.
Both looked at each other and then back at the two apes who appeared to be armed and started to shoot at the spacemen.
"Holy Shit! Run," and with that, the two men ran down the beach and came to a large rock. They both flattened themselves against the rock and Dodge looked around the corner.
"Okay so I was wrong," Landon said out of breath. "What planet did we land on?"
"I don't know...but it's a planet of...of apes."
Both stared at each other. "We need to keep moving," Landon said. They ran down the beach again and came to the main shoreline.
Both men stared at the thing sticking up out of the sand.
It was the head of the Statue of Liberty, buried under the sands of time.
Two inhuman screams could be heard throughout the beach.