Log in

No account? Create an account
27 August 2005 @ 10:30 pm
Chap 3 RPS JM/DB My Life as a Gopher  
As Phil would say "Hey!"

Once again, thanks for all the lovely feedback! Previous chapters can be found here.

Chap 3 right this way!

Title: My Life as a Gopher
Chapter: 3/?
Pairing: JM/DB
Warnings: This is RPS. These are not real situations - this is all made up - don't sue or I'll sic momma on you. Nothing real bad here except some dirty t-shirt slogans.
Feedback: Oh yeah!

Chap 3

I love my MP3 player. Momma gave it to me for my birthday two years ago. I don't know where she got the money for it, but that's my momma. It must have set her back at least $49.99 plus tax. It's not as nice as an ipod, but it's from momma and it was all she could afford and I love her even more for it.

When I brought my new player on the set, Uncle Joss goes into his "There are some rules" speech (God but does that man love to lecture!). First one was that I couldn't wear the headphones when I was working around everyone else cause then I wouldn't be able to hear anyone when they called for me to go get something. I can wear them when I'm by myself. Second, I couldn't sing along to the music, ever, never ever, never ever ever, no matter if no one was around or not. Then Uncle Joss muttered something about "worse than Dave."

Once his "There are some rules" speech was over though, he got all quiet and asked if I needed any music to download onto the player and I said yeah and he then downloaded a bunch of his music onto the thing and then told me to go home. He then told me to say "hey" to momma.

Uncle Joss can be like that. He would get me and momma things if we really needed them but momma refuses them most of the time. She says we don't need no charity.

Right about now I wish Uncle Joss would help get me laid though.

I try to be a good boy, like momma wants, but it's so hard (and getting harder everyday).

It was because of that that I did something really dumb the night before.

There's a small Korean market around the corner from where me and momma live. There's a girl that works there who always looks at me. I told momma about it and she says she thinks that she's flirting with me. I laughed at momma at the time (she then swatted me and told me to mind my manners when talking to her) but now I'm starting to think momma's right.

Cause momma's always right.

So I go into the market and there's Britney. She's not too bad to look at. She looks kind of like Leeloo from "The Fifth Element" only not as skinny...and with lots of zits...and three tattoos along her arm of the Grim Reaper...and she's got this one piercing through her lip that's pretty infected.

That or she's got herpes.

Okay, she doesn't look nothing like Leeloo but she's got the orange hair. She never smiles but then that's to be expected what with her constantly chewing gum.

She wears different t-shirts everyday that say something, like yesterday's said "Save a tree, eat beaver." I asked momma what that meant and she slapped me and told me to go wash up for dinner.

Today's t-shirt said "Fuck off and die."

I guess Britney's not really what you'd call a people person.

"Hey Britney."

"Hey Phil."

"I was wondering if you'd want to go out sometime....with me."

She stops flipping through the magazine and looks up at me. I might actually get lucky!

"I'd rather get abducted by aliens, toad."

Or not.

"Um, okay." She didn't have to be so rude. She could have just said "I'd rather get abducted by aliens" and leave it off at that, but then she had to call me names.

Besides, I've read them supermarket papers, those alien abductions are no fun but if that's her thing, I won't be the one to stand in her way. No-sir-eee!

Still, now I have to have another date with Mr. Hand.

So hear we are today. Mister Boreanaz and Jimmy just finished their big fight scene. Everyone claps and Uncle Joss seems really happy. Mister Boreanaz and Jimmy seem awfully excited and kinda flushed. I once saw that look on momma when she was watching a "Sex and the City" episode (momma thinks I don't know).

He wants to get going on the next scene but Mister Boreanaz says he lost his script and he needs to go find it like right now! He then grabs Jimmy's hand and drags him to his dressing room. Everyone sort of looks away and starts talking about the next scene. I go over to the dressing room because maybe, I figure, I can help him find it. J follows me and says into my ear, "I guess Dave thinks he lost his script up Jimmy's ass."

Well that sure would be a strange place to find it. Then there's moaning and grunting and gasps coming from the room.

"Oh God Davey, Yeah. Yeah. Right there. Oh Yeah!!!!"


I guess he found it. Maybe now we can get back to work.

Jesse Foxjenshih_blue on August 28th, 2005 05:45 am (UTC)
Hon' I am totally enjoying 'Phil' and his adventures as a gopher for 'Uncle Joss' and the crew of 'Angel'. I don't know if I left you fb on the second chapter cause I'm as big a dweeb as Phil!

Can't wait to see the next chapter!! *hugs*
Mariaslave_o_spike on August 28th, 2005 09:11 pm (UTC)
No one is as big a dweeb as Phil but I still love him!

Thanks for your encouraging words!

*squeezes you tight*
Zinneh is Jesus: Boy Kisseszinnydark on August 28th, 2005 06:22 am (UTC)
God, I love the way he sees things. Because he's obviously not as uninformed as it sometimes seems (That or she's got herpes.) but he's just so... slow on the uptake... ~snerk~

I wonder if Davey leaves a lot of things in Jimmy's ass...?

Loving it.
Mariaslave_o_spike on August 28th, 2005 09:13 pm (UTC)
*snicker* Yeah, he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer (like momma would say) but he's not completely out of it.

Oh yeah - Davey's always leaving things in Jimmy's ass that he has to take out later.

Really glad you're loving it.
SpankSpikespankspike on August 28th, 2005 07:56 am (UTC)
I just finally caught up and read these 3 parts. This is so good - really different. And I just love Phil, his perspective is hilarious.

I especially loved his comment about learning the word declined after he applied for an American Express card!

Mariaslave_o_spike on August 28th, 2005 09:15 pm (UTC)
I think we all need a Phil in our life to give us a different outlook on life.

And the comment regarding the Amex card was a nod to all of us out there who know very f***ing well what the word "declined" means.

Oh and yay! that you're reading and liking. Thanks!
Felis: Obvious RPSfelisblanco on August 28th, 2005 09:17 am (UTC)
I only got now that Uncle Joss is "Uncle" Joss. *facepalm*

"Save a tree, eat beaver" Bwhahahahahaha!!

And good that they found the script. And so glad it made Jimmy so happy. *giggles*

Still adoring this. Totally.
Mariaslave_o_spike on August 28th, 2005 09:18 pm (UTC)
*cough cough* Ahem...yeah we'll find out alittle more about "Uncle" Joss.

Yeah they found the script and you can bet momma's stylish shoes that Jimmy's relieved!

And I hope that after Phil saw Britney's shirt, he didn't go turn her into PETA.

Thanks for reading!
Inca: Loves Itincasink on August 29th, 2005 02:01 am (UTC)
"I guess Dave thinks he lost his script up Jimmy's ass."


Well that sure would be a strange place to find it.


Loves it!!!!!!!!!
Mariaslave_o_spike on August 29th, 2005 02:41 pm (UTC)
*laughs maniacally with you*

You don't know the half of it Phil! Maybe next time Davey misplaces his script, Phil will go looking for it up Jimmy's ass first.

Glad your loving this.
(Deleted comment)
Mariaslave_o_spike on August 29th, 2005 05:10 pm (UTC)
He is, isn't he? Adorable, I mean.

I was wondering where you went off to.

It makes me very happy to hear you like my unconventional little story.
Petpet_23 on August 30th, 2005 04:22 am (UTC)
YES!! God I heart PHIL.

But Britney is mean and needs to have a beatin'.

Go Jimmy and Davey go, go, go you horny beasts. Rrow.
Mariaslave_o_spike on October 31st, 2005 03:38 pm (UTC)
And I heart you! Sorry my reply took forever to reply. There will be more about the adventures of Phil sometime this week.

There will also be a post about the adventures of Maria too!

*lots of hugs and kisses*
Helenhellsbells on September 12th, 2005 12:32 pm (UTC)
*still giggling*

I'm wondering if Phil pictured Dave rummaging for his script up Jimmy's ass.

Is there more?! *looks around, trying to find it*

Still loving it!
Mariaslave_o_spike on October 31st, 2005 03:37 pm (UTC)
*snicker snicker*

If Phil is picturing that, I have to seriously wonder about that boy!

BTW, I sent a reply to your personal email. I hope you got it!
midnight: spangel-sin_of_prideinkingwords on September 26th, 2005 05:44 am (UTC)
I am so adoring this fic!!!!!
Mariaslave_o_spike on October 31st, 2005 03:35 pm (UTC)
Love that icon!

Yes, I live. Sorry for the long delay. I will be updating this week. RL you know.
stakeaclaimstakeaclaim on November 16th, 2005 07:00 pm (UTC)

Aw, I love Phil, one of life's naturals and you bring him to life so wonderfully. Look forward to more
Mariaslave_o_spike on November 16th, 2005 07:38 pm (UTC)
Gotta love Phil!

I should be updating Chap 5 VERY soon (wherein we learn something new about Phil).