Maria (slave_o_spike) wrote,

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QaF Cannibal Crack!Fic Snippet "Gio and RC's Most Excellent Adventure"

So I did it...again.

Here's a little ficlet for the two birthday gals, Gio (paddies) and RC (mclachlan), whose birthday is tomorrow.

Happy Birthday you two! First, to paddies, this is for all the wonderful icons she's provided us with (I alone use so many of them) and her amazing site Queer Eyes that she lovingly keeps up for us. And to mclachlan who has provided us so many wonderful and beautiful fics.

Also they were there encouraging me with fb in the beginning of my cannibal! crackfic so I have written them this ficlet and put them in the cannibal!verse.

And no! They don't get eaten. ;P

Title: Gio and RC's Most Excellent Adventure
Pairing: Brian/Justin, Ben/Michael, Ted/his insane mind
Summary: Rio and RC take a road trip from Philly to the Pitts and stop off along the way somewhere they never should have and get an 'eyeful.'
Warnings: Michael's whine

"Tree...tree...road sign...litter...tree," Gio droned on, looking at the passing scenery, playing the little road trip game RC and her had started to play while driving from Philly to the Pitts, the ride being unbearably long and tedious. "Is that a cop pulling us over?" Gio asked, suddenly perking up.

"Yeah," RC shot back worried. "I don't get it. I wasn't speeding!"

What was it with her and cops on road trips?

RC pulled her Toyota over to the side of the road and waited for the cop to come up to her window. She knew everything on the car was in working order, her registration was up to date and that she wasn't breaking any speed laws.

"Wow!" Gio said as she looked back at the cop who was approaching the car. "What a hunk!"

"Do people still say 'hunk?'" RC asked. Both girls laughed until they heard the tapping on the driver's side window, RC's cue to roll it down to confront the local law enforcement.

"Hello officer, I'm sure I wasn't speeding," RC shot out, looking at the angry cop holding the radar gun.

"Speeding?" the officer asked. "You weren't speeding."

RC looked at the man's badge which read BEN. "But if I wasn't speeding, then why did you stop me Officer...sir? Isn't that one of those guns that measures how fast you're going?" RC asked as she pointed to the object in question.

"This," the man pointed to, "isn't to check your speed, it's to check the amount of carbon dioxide that comes out of your tailpipe."

" measure that?" RC yelled out and then suddenly remembered herself, "Officer Ben?"

"It's Ranger Ben and yes, I do. You're in my town now and you must uphold to the parts per million allowable levels. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to step out of the car. I can't let you back onto the road until it's fixed."

"What?!?!? But, but, but, no!" RC yelled.

"Please, sir," Gio said as she leaned over RC to state their case, "we're passing through. I'm here from abroad and..."

"I figured that from your accent. Italian?" Ben asked.

"Yes," Gio smiled.

"Beautiful place...Italy that is," Ben smiled. "I remember this guy named Marco. Oh wow," Ben continued as he looked on wistfully into the landscape, "he tied me to a bed, asked me who my daddy was." Ben stopped when he took in the faces of the two women in front of him. "Anyway, I have to ask you to..."

Just then a car went speeding past, the occupants including the teenaged driver, all drinking open cans of beer.

"Whassssup Ranger Ben!" the driver yelled.

Ben looked back and yelled, "You better be recycling those cans when you're done!"

"Officer...Ranger...shouldn't you go after them! I mean they were speeding and driving while under the influence," RC pointed out incredulously.

"But they were driving a hybrid," Ben said as he shook his head in confusion.

"Ben what's going on? I wanna go fishing," a man who seemed to come out of nowhere, whined and stomped his feet.

"I have to take care of business here Michael," the Ranger said as if he were talking to a small child.

"But I wannnnnaa go noooowww," the man named Michael whined again.

"Oh God, what an awful sound," RC said to Gio as both women covered their ears.

" time is so short here, and my itinerary," Gio started to plead.

"Where you from?" Michael asked.

"Italy," Gio said as she turned to the man.

"Italy, huh? The one in Europe?" he asked.

"Um...yes," Gio said. "Is there another one?"

"Wow, we get lots of cool people through here," Michael said excitedly. "What about you?" the man asked, turning to RC.

"I'm from New England. I go to college there," she said.

Maybe the best strategy here was to humor the monkey. He seemed to have an 'in' with the crazy Ranger.

"College kid, huh? I suppose you think your smarter than everyone else," Michael said as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Actually I don't, but for you I'll make an exception," RC said and winced. She hoped her sarcasm was lost on the simian.

"Well, okay then," Michael said in all seriousness.

It was.

"Ben, I wanna go now. We still have to take Teddy back home," Michael whined and stomped his feet again.

"Okay, okay Michael...calm down. Save the excitement for when we go fishing," Ben leered and bent over to kiss Michael on the lips.

Michael smiled back and started to kiss the Ranger.

RC cleared her throat. "Ranger, sir?"

"Oh...oh yes," Ben said gruffly. "I'll let you go with a warning if you take Theodore back home, how's that?" Ben smiled.

RC and Gio looked over in the direction Ranger Ben was pointing and saw a sad looking man standing there.

"Is" Gio asked and swallowed.

"Yeah, he's harmless," Ben said. "Just don't talk about aliens, clothing inspectors or sausage," Ben said as he leaned in closer to the girls.

"Oh okay," RC said and nodded.

"Here, take this bag with you," Ranger Ben said as he handed them a plastic bag.

"Um...does he get car sick?" RC cringed as she held the bag at arm's length.

"No. It's a litter bag," Ben said and then pointed his finger at the girls. "Littering carries a heavy fine around here," he said gruffly.

"Yes sir," the girls said at the same time.

"I wonder if it's a hanging offense around here?" Gio whispered to RC as they walked away from the Ranger.

"Probably a night in the stocks if you ask me," RC said.

"Shot gun!" Ted yelled out as he climbed into the passenger side.

"God, I hope he didn't mean he's armed with one," Gio said and laughed. Both women laughed and climbed back into the car.

"So where do you live, Teddy is it?" RC asked.

"Can you see me? I'm invisible you know," Ted said.

" can see," RC said as she started the car and pulled back onto the main road, driving her apparently non-environmentally friendly car.

"Oh yeah, you can't see me doing this, can you?" Ted asked as he waved his hands in front of RC's face.

"Yes, yes I can. Please don't do that while I'm driving," she said.

Ted looked out the window. "Tree...tree...speed sign...roadkill...tree..."

After what felt like forever, RC and Gio arrived at the homestead with Ted.

"Here you go Ted, back home," RC said as she let Ted out of the car.

"Ciao!" Gio yelled to Ted as he quickly ran into the house.

RC looked at Gio with a raised eyebrow.

"What?" she said and shrugged, "he was nice!"

Just then a red-headed woman and a sickly, looking man walked out of the house.

"Oh thank you for bringing Ted home girls," the woman gushed out while smiling.

"Our pleasure," RC said.

"It was no problem, really," Gio added.

"Oh my God! Are you from Italy?" Debbie screeched as she covered her mouth. "Vic! She's from Italy."

The man named Vic walked up to the women while smiling. "Nice to meet you. I haven't been there for quite a while," he said while shaking her hand.

"Vic can speak Italian but I can't," Debbie said as she shook her head. "Say something to her Vic," she said as she elbowed the sad looking man.

Vic sighed and started speaking. "Aiutatemi, vi prego. Mia sorella è pazza. Voglio ucciderla mentre dorme."

(Please help me. My sister is crazy. I want to kill her in her sleep.)

Gio smiled and nodded. "We should go now," she said as she turned to RC.

"What did he say?" the woman asked smiling. "It was so beautiful," Debbie gushed.

"He said he loves you very much," Gio said and with that Debbie turned to her brother.

"Oh Vic," she started and then started to cry while her brother looked on, still smiling.

"Ciao!" Gio said an practically ran to the car.

"Bye!" RC said as she waved. "What did he really say?" she asked Gio once they were in the car.

"You don't even want to know. Just burn plastic," Gio said as she seat-belted herself in.

RC sighed, "that's burn rubber."

"If it gets us out of here, you can burn whatever you want," Gio said.

RC took off and started down the long winding driveway that would take her to the main road.

"Did you see that?!" Gio asked as she looked out her window.

RC suddenly stopped the car as she took notice of it too.

"Is that man attacking that boy?" RC asked while looking out Gio's window.

"I don't know."

They both exited the car and snuck around the other side of the tree where they could see the two men more clearly.

"Oh! Oh, my!" they both exclaimed as they stopped dead in their tracks.

The two men were not fighting. The taller of the two was not attacking the boy.

Well maybe he was.

With his dick.

They took in the sight of the tall, beautiful man as he plunged himself relentlessly into the other beautiful man trapped against the tree.

"Oh God Brian, just like that," the blond man moaned.

"Yeah," the man groaned as he continued to move inside his partner.

"Just stay in me...forever," the blond boy gasped out as his head lolled about.

"We should go now," RC whispered to Gio.

"Yes, we should," Gio nodded in return.

They both stood stock still.

"Like now," RC whispered back.

"I agree."

And still, they did not move.

"I'm going," RC said as she kept staring at the two gods making love against the tree.

"I'm right behind you," Gio said.

Suddenly the blond gasped out, his eyes going wide and then closing, a satisfied look of bliss adorning his face, the man above him shuddering and groaning.

"Oh, cazzo!" Gio exclaimed. (Oh Fuck)

"Holy Shit!" RC said.

Both women stared in awe at the two men.

"We should go now, for real. My feet are moving," RC said.

"Okay, I'm following."

The End

Feedback as usual is welcome.

And no, they weren't eaten!

LJ Friends don't let LJ Friends end up in Debbie's sausage. :)

Tags: birthday ficlet, cannibal snippet

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    I dunno. This is just too much fun. But I need to know how to post them coz I'm doing it wrong. :P This one is in reference to To Kill a…

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