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12 June 2007 @ 10:36 am
I really hate posting this kind of thing...  
I don't want to do this post but I have to because I already opened my big mouth.

Anyway, I've sort of not been around.

At first it was because I was just so damn tired!!! Really really tired. I just don't remember being this tired in my first trimester.

I had two fics in the works - both birthday fics for two of my most wonderful friends on my flist - shadownyc and firehead30 but I just couldn't get up enough energy to fix them.

I knew something was wrong and it was confirmed when soon after Memorial Day, I lost the baby.

This is not the first time that it has happened. It happened before Rowan and Donovan were born too, but it doesn't make it any easier.

This is why I didn't say anything yet to the rest of the family - just in case this happened. I don't even know why I told all of you that I was pregnant, when I knew that nothing is ever definite in the first trimester, but I was just really happy about the news and decided to share it with you.

I don't want to bring anyone down with this and I just want you all to know that I'm okay now.

Really. I was very upset at first but then after awhile I just stopped and realized (again) that this is just the way it is. That it wasn't meant to be and that was that.

Doesn't make it any easier.

And I didn't really want to post about it until I was okay with it, so here I am now.

I just want to get back to normal and write my insane fic and talk to all you guys and find more strange toys to post pics of and bring up the occasional weirdness that I come across in my life.

Also, I couldn't exactly post anyway as RL decided it wouldn't let me brood - Jim, my cook, ended up in jail again, Megan's passport shit hit a snag, and Brandin, one of my employees was kicked out of his house by his mom so a state of emergency was declared so I could find the boy a new home.

So there you go!

Seriously though, I'm okay now and I'm back and I have a fic in the works that I plan on posting later this week.

You'll know I'm completely back when you see it.

Of course, I just might lose half my f-list...*winces*

Also, I would like to give a big birthday hug to anyone who's birthday I missed.

I would love to thank jillapet and critic75 for the wonderful virtual prezzies. *gives you guys big hugs*

I would also like to thank a few other people who had emailed me personally to see how I was and where I was and asked about my well-being. THANK YOU! *hugs you guys tight too*

Loves you all,

Wicked Bitch Of The West: B/J hugvlredreign on June 12th, 2007 05:42 pm (UTC)
Love You!!
And spank me for not emailing you. I was wondering where you'd gone, and no one seemed to know.

You won't lose me, darlin. I waited this long, I can wait a little longer.

I'll just offer my love and support, with big warm hugs and sloppy wet kisses, and a cannibal zombie or seven.

Maria: Angst BJ Missing Youslave_o_spike on June 12th, 2007 07:24 pm (UTC)
Re: Love You!!

*pushes cannibal zombies away and shoots in head*

See? Still me! :)

No need for spanking - I'll just hug you some more.

And Happy Birthday btw!!! (So I guess I should spank you!)
Re: Love You!! - vlredreign on June 12th, 2007 07:28 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Love You!! - slave_o_spike on June 12th, 2007 08:20 pm (UTC) (Expand)
zortrana: Heartbreakzortrana on June 12th, 2007 05:45 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you're back. I missed you.
And I am very sorry for your loss. *hugs*
Maria: Angst BJ Not Letting Goslave_o_spike on June 12th, 2007 07:25 pm (UTC)
I missed you too. *hugs you back tightly*

Eileen: Lighteileen_donovan on June 12th, 2007 05:47 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry, Maria. That's hard. I'm glad you're feeling okay about sharing the news. *hugs* You have been sorely missed around here--that much I know. You have a wonderful virtual family and I'm sure they won't leave you because of some very real life issues. ♥
Maria: Angst BJ Missing Youslave_o_spike on June 12th, 2007 07:36 pm (UTC)
*holds on*

Yeah, sharing this for awhile was just not on the agenda. Now I can.

And I'm not worried about losing people because of this. LOL! I meant the crackfic I'll be posting this week.


*hugs you again*
Lizevilmaniclaugh on June 12th, 2007 06:09 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry, darling.

::massive hugs::

Maria: Angst BJ Missing Youslave_o_spike on June 12th, 2007 08:21 pm (UTC)
*clings and glomps on*

I'm much better now Liz! :)
Alexander: Alexashmedai on June 12th, 2007 06:12 pm (UTC)
You have been missed...

Terribly sorry to hear the news - don't know what to say. :((
*Hugs to you!
Maria: Angst BJ Not Letting Goslave_o_spike on June 12th, 2007 08:22 pm (UTC)
Just the hugs and letting me know I was missed is enough.

*hugs you back*
firehead30firehead30 on June 12th, 2007 06:14 pm (UTC)
There you are
*gently pounces you*

Hey Darlin, glad to see you around these parts. I missed my favorite insane snarking partner. * nuzzles*

As for the rest....I am sorry, I do understand.

Now as to fic that may have you lose half your flist....ummmm do you have Mikey fucking Lindsay? Or maybe you have Brian pregant with Mikey's ass baby? That might make me want to throw really bad lasagna at you...but other than that, I am not going anywhere...*straps in for the ride*
Maria: Angst BJ Missing Youslave_o_spike on June 12th, 2007 08:27 pm (UTC)
Re: There you are
*rolls you over and licks you*

And I missed you Fire! (And thank you)

Really bad lasagna? Ewwwww! No - it's nothing as horendous as Mikey fucking Lindsay and/or Brian. It's...well, actually, I think you'll like it! :)

Happy Birthday Fire!!!! (*spanks you and Red back and forth*) I was so sorry I missed it. I think after I get this first chapter posted, I'll get your b-day fic out. It's not set in the cannibal!verse but up here.

Love you Fire!!!!

Re: There you are - firehead30 on June 12th, 2007 10:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: There you are - slave_o_spike on June 15th, 2007 11:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
sonofabiscuit77sonofabiscuit77 on June 12th, 2007 06:16 pm (UTC)
Maria, I am so sorry to hear that, but relieved that you are okay. I won't give you any more sympathy though as I know (from recent horrible personal experience) that that can sometimes be harder to deal with... I really believe that getting back to normal - particularly if it means more insane fic (yay!) is the best thing but please know that I'll be thinking of you and hoping that everything is getting better for you. Lots of hugs XX
Maria: Angst BJ Togetherslave_o_spike on June 12th, 2007 09:09 pm (UTC)
Very true! *swings you around*

I was a little worried people wouldn't know how to handle this or what to say so I'm pleased with everyone just allowing me to come back and be myself again. :)

Yes, insane fic is on its way. Never fear! *kisses you*
mdlawmdlaw on June 12th, 2007 06:26 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry about your loss, but I'm glad to hear that you're feeling somewhat better. We can never really understand what life brings, but hopefully it will bring something good. m
Maria: B/J ILUslave_o_spike on June 12th, 2007 09:11 pm (UTC)
I just don't get life either sometimes, but I think this was just its way of handling something that would not have been viable (before it could have gotten much much worse).

Thank you. *smooches*
LadyoftheLight: Qaf - 112 Ice cream kiss - Forevermarilla_pm67 on June 12th, 2007 06:28 pm (UTC)
Send you lots of Love.

I'm sorry for everything you went throught.


Maria: B/J cha cha chaslave_o_spike on June 12th, 2007 09:12 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :)

*hugs you*
shadownyc: strlingdragnfly-B/J Here for you - 311shadownyc on June 12th, 2007 06:32 pm (UTC)
Welcome back, I truly missed you, as you know and am glad to see you post.


I'm sorry RL seems to be giving you quite a run for its money.

Now it's time for you to get back at RL and grab it by the... ;b
Maria: Angst BJ Missing Youslave_o_spike on June 12th, 2007 09:14 pm (UTC)
RL just won't let me alone! LOL! I mean, come on! But yeah, pulled RL by the balls and fought back full force! :)

I'm very happy to be back too.

*swings you around while clinging tightly*
(no subject) - shadownyc on June 12th, 2007 11:37 pm (UTC) (Expand)
seanmegansean: Hugs 121seanmegansean on June 12th, 2007 06:35 pm (UTC)
I'm very sorry for your loss. And the other RL drama? Holy cow. Lots of things going on. *pets*

And it's okay to hate me for having a selfish moment here, but I really, really hope the fic you plan isn't what I think it is. :(

Maria: Angst BJ Missing Youslave_o_spike on June 12th, 2007 09:16 pm (UTC)
*nuzzles into you*

Yeah, RL! Whoa!!!!

And yes, my fic might take on a darker tone, (as in dark humor - you know me!!!) but not that dark. No. No deathfic here, never fear.

However, I really don't think you would have seen this crack!fic coming...
J'rais.....?: AHherewego15 on June 12th, 2007 06:37 pm (UTC)
Life sucks sometimes....that's for sure! *sends you massive hugs and good thoughts*

Just curious did you ever find the boy a place to live? And jail?? Wow okay! Hope everything is better on that front too!

As for your fic.....OMG I can't wait, I am going to start reading from the beginning that way I am not sad like before.
Maria: Angst BJ Not Letting Goslave_o_spike on June 15th, 2007 10:55 pm (UTC)
*grabs onto good thoughts and hugs*

*hugs back*

Jim's out now but I had to buy him a bus ticket since he was in the Tri Cities area when he was arrested. And yes, I was on the phone within 1/2 an hour of getting the news about Brandin and in another 2 hours I got him a place to live for rent free for a couple of months. This poor kid has had everything happen to him in the past few months!

Yes, the fic is coming, never fear. :)

jane2005jane2005 on June 12th, 2007 06:53 pm (UTC)
I'm very sorry to hear this news.

I don't want to bring anyone down with this and I just want you all to know that I'm okay now.

Well, I personally want to let you know that "bringing anyone down" should be your last consideration. If speaking of your loss on line helps you to come to terms with it, feel better, by all means, shout it out on LJ. Anyone who has issues can bitch, and then there be wank, during which we can all repeat the same thing: your loss trumps anyone's petty feelings, if there are any. Which I seriously doubt there would be. It's not like you're someone who posts "OMG MY NAIL BROKE" every other day. And even if you were, this is a big loss, no matter how "normal." Grief is normal too.

Good lord, I talk too much.

I certainly won't defriend you for any fic you write! Hell, if I didn't de-flist you for that cannibal thing, I'm not going to do it for anything else. unless you have Brian become Dungeon Master Justin's suck pig and have them exchange pet names like "lollipop" and "sugarsnaps". Looking forward to whatever insanity you come up with next!
Maria: Justin's Babyslave_o_spike on June 15th, 2007 11:01 pm (UTC)
Aw, Jane, you don't talk too much. After I read your comment, I was like, 'she's right.' I don't usually bitch about much and this is hardly a small matter and yes, it does help to write it down like this.

Very final, you know.

I can't hide from it anymore and all that.

I'm actually much better now. And as far as my fic, you know what I'm about to post! You were my inspiration! fiercediva made me a wonderful icon and banner (poster really) for this. And hey, what do you mean 'cannibal thing?!' That story would be canon had Jack been eaten by Debbie and the clan! :P

Thank you Jane. *hugs you*
(no subject) - jane2005 on June 15th, 2007 11:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
Maria: Spike Rainslave_o_spike on June 15th, 2007 11:02 pm (UTC)
*glomps on and spins you*
Gio: B/J - 314 - HUGSpaddies on June 12th, 2007 07:10 pm (UTC)
I'm so very sorry, Maria. :((

Sometimes I wish the world was smaller, so I could bring you comfort food and squeeze you till your eyes pop out (in pure cannibal!fic style)...

*hugs tightly* :x:x:x:x
Maria: Spike Painslave_o_spike on June 15th, 2007 11:05 pm (UTC)
Now, Gio, none of my characters in my fic have had their eyes pop out...yet. :P

I wish it were smaller too so I could hug you properly!

*glomps on and doesn't let go*