Title: Going Home with the Middle-aged Guy
Pairing: implied B/J
Spoilers: Season 1 and 2
Summary: This is a "What If..." What if Justin went home with the middle-aged guy at the beginning of Episode 101 instead of meeting Brian later.
Warnings: This is a parody. It's extremely snarky. It defies some laws of physics. It does not defy laws of biology so no, it's not an mpreg.
Rating: PG-13 (some minor language and reference to sex).
Disclaimer: I do not own Cowlip or the boys. If I did own the boys, they would be naked wearing collars doing my laundry.
So after the middle-aged guy that he asked "where's a good place to go" ended the conversation with "why doncha come home with me?" Justin decided, "okay why not?!"
As Justin was looking around the bedraggled, squalid, dilapidated (Justin wanted to make sure he was well prepared for the verbal part of his SATs) apartment, he noticed the middle-aged guy standing there...
"Hey, I don't even know your name," Justin said.
"It's...Fuck! I don't even know. I don't think the writers even gave me one yet" said the middle-aged guy who Justin decided to take it upon himself to name Bart.
"Bart, huh?" the newly-named Bart said. "I like it. Well it beats 'middle-aged guy' any day of the week. So let's cut the chit chat and go straight to the fucking. Get undressed. Come on. What are you waiting for?"
"Uh. Well you're certainly no fun. Shouldn't we get to know each other first. Or, I don't know...something," Justin said shrugging his shoulders wondering what the hell he had gotten himself into.
"Nope. Don't have to," said Bart while stalking closer to Justin. "If you wanted slow kisses while spinning around the room and sweet pillow talk, then you shouldn't have come with me but kept on going until you got to the lamppost where you would have met the 'love of your life' but no, you came home with me, so here we are. So strip while I get the handcuffs."
"Whoa whoa whoa. What are you talking about?" Justin asks a bit nervously.
"Look. you weren't supposed to come with me. You were supposed to back away, I was supposed to say something nasty to you about your mommy, and then you were supposed to go hang out under a lamppost until you were found by Brian-fucking-Kinney, and then the rest would be, as they say, history. Now where were those handcuffs?" Bart started looking around.
"Who's Brian-fucking-Kinney and why is he the 'love of my life' and why is it you think I was supposed to meet him under some stupid lamppost and what did you say about my mom?" Justin asks while trying to get his breathing under control (he was starting to get alittle worried about the crazy man who was looking for the handcuffs).
"Look kid. Your life has been written for you already for the next five years by Cowlip. You meet Brian-fuck...oh hell, Brian Kinney, he takes you back to his stylishly decorated loft, nothing like my seedy apartment (George didn't do as well on the verbal part of his SATs afterall), you shoot off on his sheets, then you guys rush off to the hospital where Brian's baby is born and..."
"Wait a minute. I didn't know Cowlip does mPreg," Justin replies.
"Please! Get real kid. This is television - they have slightly higher standards," Bart scoffed.
"You do realize you just said 'television' and 'higher standards' in the same sentence without spontaneoulsy combusting, don't you?" Justin asked.
"Brian's best friend - the lesbian, not the whiny one - has Brian's baby" Bart replies. "Then he asks you to name the baby..."
"I guess it's my night for naming people," Justin says.
"Yeah, I guess it is. Thanks by the way, I really like the name Bart. Anywho, you name the baby, then Brian gets high, you both go back to his stylishly decorated loft, he rims you, fucks you, bing bang boom, you're no longer a virgin, then you guys take a real hot shower. It's great. The fans go wild!"
"We'll get to that. Anyways, so after that, you try to see him again, he says no, you don't take no for an answer..."
"I rarely ever do."
"Don't interrupt. You don't take no for an answer, so you start stalking him..."
"I stalk him?!?" Justin screeches. "I'm a stalker" says Justin alittle more calmly this time to himself.
"Don't worry. It all works out. You get under his skin, he takes you in after your dad kicks you out..."
"My dad kicks me out?" Justin askes quietly. "I feel sick."
"You don't look so hot. You also get majorly harrassed by some jock at high school. Oh and yeah! You run away to New York to become a go-go boy."
"I need to sit down." As Justin goes to sit on the couch, he notices someone already lying there. "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't see you there. Hey hold on a sec. What's he doing here? I'm not doing any threesomes," Justin huffed out while crossing his arms arcoss his chest.
"Yeah right. Talk to me after mid-Season 2," said the guy who got up off the couch. "By the way, my name is..."
"Don't tell me! You don't have a name - the writers didn't give you one yet," Justin interjects.
"No, well, actually, yeah, the writers didn't have a name for me at first but they got me one once that loud-mouthed, red-wigged, gay-man-wannabe found out what is was." The man held out his hand. "My name's Jason. Jason Kemp."
"He's sorta with me," Bart steps forward wrapping his arm around Jason's waist.
"You meet me next year. Well, actually, you don't really MEET me as more as SEE me as I'm already dead. Everyone calls me dumpster boy until the loud-mouthed..."
"red-wigged, gay-man-wannabe finds out what it is," Justin repeats after Jason. "Got it. Well, I must say, you look fabulous for a corpse! Oh shit, did I just say 'fabulous'?"
"Yep, it's already happening. Your turning into a..." Bart started but was interupted by Jason who was whispering in his ear. "Oh sorry. YOU'RE turning into a big queer."
"What was that all about?" Justin queried.
"Well," Bart replies, "I'm the Alpha in this relationship and he's my Beta."
"That certainly explains everything" Justin says sucking his lower lip into his mouth.
"Anyway, on with the story. You end up moving in with the loud-mouthed..."
"Oh no, not her!" Justin exclaims.
"It'll be okay - she's really not that bad," Bart says then clears his throat. "By the way, her name's Debbie..."
"So she has a name. Good. Okay, go on," Justin says.
"So as I was saying, you interact with Brian, you guys get a little closer, you do a little dance up on stage to get Brian's attention..." Bart says.
"So I DO become a go-go boy?" Justin asks feeling alittle sick.
"No, don't worry. It's not like that. Anyways it's great - you'll love it. Then the season ends off with the senior prom. You invite Brian and at first he doesn't come, but then after trying to kill himself and then Mikey coming in and saying 'blah blah blah always young and beautiful blah blah blah,' he goes to your prom. It's very romantic," Jason gushes. Justin smiles dreamily also.
"Well that does sound very romantic," Justin says still with a big smile on his face.
"Then you get hit in the head with a bat and lay bleeding at the end of the season. Really romantic," Bart deadpans.
"Oh God! Do I die?!?" Justin panics.
"Pfft!!!" Bart scoffs. "As if!! Could you imagine the ratings for the second season if there was no more of the Brian and Justin show? I don't think so. What, you think people watch the show because of Mel and Lindsey?" At this, Jason starts doubling over in laughter. Several people can be heard laughing in the street. Possibly next state even.
"So," Bart continues "you get bashed, are in a coma, get out, learn how to use your hand again, have bad dreams, find Brian, get Brian, mommy sends Brian away..."
"Okay, I think you're just making this up," Justin says.
"Hey, it gets better. Your mommy comes back to Brian to get him to take you in when your" at this point, Jason starts to intercede when Bart holds his hand up "YOU'RE apparently suffering post traumatic syndrome..."
"Hold on," Justin says. "My mom gives me to Brian to handle. Shouldn't she like, I don't know, take me to a professional or something?"
"Kid, what do you think would happen to the ratings at this point? This is not some After-school special. Now we have countless, endless scenes of you two in bed, fucking, sucking, rimming with threesomes and foursomes. The fans are besides themselves at this point!" Bart exclaims still searching around for the handcuffs.
"Oh, okay," Justin shrugs. "So then what happens?"
Jason jumps in at this point. "Oh lots! Brian shows you how much he loves you without ever really saying it by buying you a computer to help you get back into art and he makes you promise to always wear a condom no matter what because he wants you around for a long time and...and..oh yeah! He pays for your tuition to go to PIFA..."
"PIFA?" Justin asks.
"Yeah. It stands for...hey, I'm not sure what it stands for. The acronym has been used so long in fandom, I can't remember. Bart? Do you know?" Jason asks.
Bart shrugs his shoulders. "I dunno. I always thought it was some kind of organic lentil dish or something."
"Pittsburgh Institute for Fine Arts. PIFA - that's what it stands for, by the way," Justin interjects.
"Oh thanks" Jason says. "So where was I? Oh yeah. So he pays for your tuition when your father decides not to pay anymore."
"So my father continues to be a shit. Okay, got that. Wait, Brian actually pays for my tuition?" Justin asks incredulously.
"Yeah, well, you finally decide to take Brian up on his offer to pay for college rather than be a go-go boy," Jason continues.
"Now we're back to the go-go boy thing again. Okay I think you guys are on crack," Justin replies.
"No wait, it gets better. So here you are living with Brian, who's paying for your college tuition, and who has now made partner by the way, in his beautiful loft, having sex everywhere in said loft..."
"Don't forget all the gratuitous shower scenes!" Bart interjects.
"Yes, as I was saying...you've got everything, well almost everything, well, it's actually complicated. I mean you do have everything, it's just that you start to mis-read some of Brian's intentions toward you so you start cheating on him..." Jason says hesitantly.
"I cheat on him?!" Justin exclaims.
"Yeah, with this fiddler who has no real knowledge about personal hygiene...oh yeah, and he has to peddle his fiddle-playing on the streets to make any cash while living in this real dump that makes Bart's place here look like the Plaza," Jason states.
"Okay, let me get this straight. I cheat on my rich, successful, verile, beautiful lover with a poor, unkempt fiddler who lives in squalor?" Justin states. "Am I on crack?"
"It all works out though in the next season and things get even hotter and I'm at the center of a huge political storyline," Jason interjects. "There are three more seasons of you guys getting back together, splitting apart, getting back together, splitting apart...well you get the picture," Jason says.
"Basically it pretty much is five years of you guys going back and forth with each other with other plot lines thrown in to take the main focus off the super couple. Of course, you and Brian do quite a few things that are quite un-like both of you," Bart says.
"Why is that?" Justin asks.
"Not even Cowlip can stick to their own canon."
"So how does it all end?"
"Can't tell you."
"Look at my shirt." Justin starts to read the shirt.
"'100% Spolier Free'. Hey, you didn't have that shirt before!" Justin exclaims.
"Hey, if Cowlip can have Mel pregnant for two years, I can certainly change my shirt at will. Look. See, it changed again," Bart says while pointing to his shirt.
Justin read the shirt. It said "Warning. Contains reference to rape, non-con sex, abuse, extreme BDSM..."
"Hey what's that all about..."
"Oh shit. Wrong shirt. Sorry," Bart chuckles nervously. "Just ignore it. In fact, forget you ever saw it. Anyway...I found the handcuffs. Come on. Let's go to the bedroom. We'll have loads of fun. I'll reinforce the promiscuous-gay-male-sexual-preadator stereotype. You'll be traumatized, they'll make a Lifetime Movie of the Week and then it'll all be over," Bart said while swinging the handcuffs in his hand.
"Don't listen to him. He's just bitter over the way Cowlip treated him," Jason says.
"Well, how would you feel if you were actually listed in the credits as 'middle-aged guy'?" Bart asks in all seriousness.
"No" Justin scoffs. "You really mean...you were?"
"Yeah. Wanna see? I've got the DVDs. Here. Hold on," Bart says while going to retreive the DVDs. He pops one in and starts fast forwarding through it. Justin asks him to stop the DVD.
"Is my butt really that big?" Justin asks.
"Yeah. Don't worry. It's really nice," Jason says while drooling.
"Um, do I appear so...naked all the time?" Justin asked timidly while shrugging his shoulders.
"Oh yeah. Get used to the exposure," Bart deadpans.
"Hold on a sec," Justin says while staring at the screen. "Who's that?"
"That's Brian," Bart replies.
"THAT'S Brian?!!? Holy shit! He's beautiful," Justin exclaims.
"Yeah," Bart says. "I said he was. Okay, let's get to it."
"Um..." Justin stammered "where did you say that lamppost was again?"
And the rest is, as they say, history.