Remember the cannibal!verse?
Well, here's a Christmas present for everyone who loves the tale of our favorite cannibals!
There's two parts. I have the second one written and I'll post that tomorrow!
So here you go!
Title: Cannibal Christmas Interlude
Part 1 of 2 parts (2nd part tomorrow - it's already written)
Warnings: It's the cannibal!verse. Come on!!!!
Summary: This takes place right after chapter 16 of the ongoing saga of our favorite cannibals. It's Christmas!!!! (I know it's still summer in the story - just read and you'll see).
Disclaimer: The Qaf gang are really cannibals, Justin really is that clueless and Dan and Ron were really eaten...so I can write whatever I want about these people!
Okay, so none of the above is true.
Christmas is a time of year when we can all rejoice and be merry. It's a way of bringing the old year to a festive end, before ushering in the new.
Where man can put aside their differences for a little while and come together with his fellow man.
When one can forget their troubles and celebrate with family and friends, while they look back at the year and realize things were not as terrible as one thought.
Yes, Christmas is indeed a merry time.
As long as it is Christmas.
Which falls in December, thus the whole celebrating the end of the old year and the bringing in the new and reflecting thing.
That's why Christmas is not celebrated in July.
And that the reason Christmas is such a special time of year is because it's celebrated only once a year.
Maybe someone should have told Debbie that.
Brian pondered on all this as he watched Debbie and Emmett decorating an artificial white Christmas tree. He watched as the pastel greens and pinks clashed horribly with the jewel toned fuchsias and blues. Looking at the garish thing almost made Brian wish he could just go into the barn and disembowel Ethan now.
That would make him feel better.
"Brian? What's going on?" Justin asked while looking at the tree.
And there was the other reason he wanted to disembowel Ethan now.
"I have absolutely no idea whatsoever Sunshine," Brian sighed. Brian decided he had had enough. "Debbie, the lad here wants to know what's going on?"
"Haven't you ever decorated a tree Sunshine?" Debbie chuckled.
"Yes," Justin said while biting his lip, "at Christmas...in...in December."
Debbie climbed down from the ladder and walked over to Justin while Emmett continued to strewn tinsel around the ivory branches. "I'm doing this for Vic, God bless him," Debbie said while shaking her head back and forth sadly.
"But Debbie," Justin laughed, "Vic is still alive!"
"Yes, but with his health and all, one can never be too careful. So I decided that in case he doesn't make it to December, we could celebrate Christmas today!" Debbie finished with a big smile.
"Well, when you put it like that, I certainly feel like being in a celebratory mood," Vic droned as he walked into the living room. "I'm going to the bathroom now. Hopefully I won't die on the way there."
"Do you need me to wipe your ass?" Debbie asked off handedly.
"All I want for Christmas is my dignity so I'll go with 'no,'" Vic said and walked away.
Debbie laughed and turned to Brian and Justin.
"Now you two go and get ready. We'll be having friends over any minute to spend Christmas Day with us," Debbie said as she started shooing them out of the room.
"You go on ahead and I'll be up in a minute," Brian said as he kissed Justin on the nose.
"But what will I wear?" Justin asked.
"That big red bow the girls had you tied up in would look nice," Brian smirked.
"The red bow?' Justin smiled. "And...?"
"And? There's an 'and?'"
Justin laughed and playfully swatted Brian's arm while skipping away upstairs.
Brian followed closely on Debbie's heels as she walked into the kitchen.
"So...who's for dinner?" Brian asked as he started eating one of the appetizers on a tray.
"Well, we'll have Ben over of course...and Mel and Lindsay..."
"No. I meant, who are we having for dinner?" Brian asked again. "If you want, I could go prepare Ethan for you right now. He'll be a little bit greasy, but..."
"I already have a roast in the oven," Debbie said as she opened the oven door. "See?"
"Oh," Brian said dejectedly.
No disemboweling Ethan today.
Now he knew it wasn't Christmas.
"So, who's the roast?" Brian asked.
"That Bedwetter guy. Remember him?" Debbie said as she bent over the roast, basting it.
"Bellweather. Yeah I remember him."
"Every time I think of that man, it makes me sick," Debbie ranted. "Imagine! Trying to have sex with Ted without using a condom! It was barbaric!" Debbie continued as she thrust a meat thermometer into the deepest part of the rump roast. She then covered it with the tin foil.
"Yeah, well, at least he's practicing safe roasting now," Brian ceded. "So, do I dare ask who is taking care of the gift exchanging?"
"I thought it would be a nice idea if Ted did this year," Debbie smiled.
"Oh. Good. I'm gonna go upstairs and practice being surprised at getting a jar of air then," Brian said as he made to leave the kitchen.
"Now don't be so cynical Brian. You never know, Teddy may surprise us this year," Debbie admonished.
"God, I hope not," Brian muttered as he walked out. Normal strange behavior from Ted he could handle.
Anything out of the ordinary and Brian could find himself just this side of downright scared.
As Brian entered the bedroom, he looked at Justin who had changed into a tight light blue t-shirt and a pair of new, crisp white overalls. "Okay?" Justin asked as he put his hands out to the side.
"Oh yeah," Brian said as he advanced on Justin, "very okay." Brian nuzzled the side of Justin's neck while inhaling his scent.
It was so much sweeter than the smell of roasting Bellweather.
"Mmmm, looks like the rump roast won't be the only piece of ass I'll be eating tonight," Brian whispered as he continued to lick up and down Justin's throat.
"You say the sweetest things," Justin chuckled.
"Yeah, well, wait till you get a load of my yule log," Brian smiled.
The day had been a pleasant one once everyone had arrived and celebrated as if it were really Christmas. All in attendance had gotten into a festive mood with some homemade eggnog and joined in on some caroling. People had made their way to the living room for dessert and gift exchanging once their bellies had been filled with Christmas dinner.
Ben was sat behind Mikey on the overstuffed leather chair. Vic was lounging back on his Lazy-Boy chair, a piece of pie in his hand. Mel and Linds were talking about baby plans with Debbie while Emmett was announcing the arrival of Ted dressed as Santa Claus.
"Oh my God Brian," Justin whispered. "Where did Ted get that outfit?"
At this point, Brian was almost willing to tell the lad the truth - how one of those drunk and loutish department store Santas had managed to wander onto the homestead and Debbie, after having watched Miracle on 34th Street for the fifth time that day, decided to take it upon herself to rid the earth of such scum who could fowl the image that was Santa Claus.
She couldn't even bring herself to put him in the sausage.
"We bought it from Target," Brian responded.
"Ho! Ho!" Ted chorused as he passed out gifts to the girls.
"Watch your mouth Santa," Mel groused.
"Mel, sweetie," Lindsay whispered in Mel's ear, "he didn't mean it personally."
The girls opened their gifts and gasped. "Oh Teddy, these are wonderful! Did you make these?" Lindsay asked excitedly.
"Yeah," Ted smiled. "Nice use of raw materials, huh?" Ted said as he looked over at Brian.
Brian looked at the gifts and turned two shades of pale.
God, he hated when he was right.
Normal strange Ted had left the building.
Crafty and resourceful Ted had taken his place.
Brian looked at the purses that had been fashioned from license plates.
If the girls had ever decided to run the plate numbers on their new handbags, they might find it belonged to a missing person.
Hopefully Ted had not decided to make wallets out of driver's licenses. Just as Brian was thinking that, Mikey, Ben and Vic were opening their gifts.
Brian paled as he caught sight of the GMC logo on one of the belt buckles of the belts Ted had made.
Belts made out of the remnants of car seatbelts.
"Wow Ted!" Ben exclaimed. "This is great!" Ben started buckling his belt together and then releasing it, fascinated with how his new belt worked. He then buckled it again and released it again. "What a great idea! Where did you get the old seatbelts from?"
"Here and there," Ted replied. "Mostly here," Ted said as he smiled over at Brian again.
"Theodore...I need to speak with you," Brian growled.
"Hold on. Here's your gift Debbie," Ted said as he gave Debbie a small pine tree.
"A tree! Thank you Teddy!" Debbie smiled.
"Not just a tree. It's like the 12 Days of Christmas. It's a partridge in a pear tree. See?" Ted said as he pointed to a quail sitting in the tree.
Debbie's smile faltered. "Teddy...sweetie...the bird's dead."
"Well I had to get it to stay in the tree! Here," Ted said as he turned to Brian, "I got you a belt too."
"Ted," Brian started.
Ted ignored Brian and moved toward Emmett. "Yours is one of those nifty purses too," Ted said as he smiled up at Emmett.
"Oh sweetie! Thank you!" Emmett gushed. "I'm sure it'll clash horribly with everything I own. It's perfect!"
"Ted?" Justin asked quietly. "Did you get anything for me?"
Ted walked up to Justin and looked directly at him. "I was saving the best for last. Here," Ted said as he thrust a present at Justin.
Justin hurriedly opened the gift, Brian holding his breath the entire time. "Wow...it's...it's," Justin stuttered, trying to think of what it was that he was holding.
It looked vaguely familiar.
Brian swallowed as he looked at the emblem.
"It's also from the song...the 12 days of Christmas...see?" Ted said as he held up the emblem. "Five golden rings."
"But there are only four," Justin said.
"I could only work with what I had," Ted said dejectedly. "I thought you'd like it though."
"Oh, I do!" Justin said quickly. "It's so...different...yet so familiar."
Brian knew what it was. It was the golden Audi emblem taken off that Dan and Ron's car.
"Theodore...a word please," Brian said once again.
Brian took Ted aside, away from the others as they all gushed over their "gifts."
"Way to go braintrust!" Brian yelled. "Using raw materials from the barn, which by the way is off limits to you."
"Brian," Ted tsked as he nodded his head back and forth. "Sometimes the best place to hide the evidence is right out in the open."
And with that, Ted walked away.
There were times, rare as they may be, that Theodore had a point.
And Brian had to admit, this was one of them.
With that Brian shook his head, chuckled and joined the festivities in the next room.
He had yet to give Justin his present.
To be concluded in part 2...
I love feedback like the gang loves their red meat!!!!
(And Justin loves Brian's yule log).