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10 February 2008 @ 12:05 pm
Standalone Fic LotR RPS "The Four Horsemen"  
Hey all!

First off, I just wanted to say that chapter 6 is with my beta right now so it should be up in a day or so. Life's been busy.

What's new, right?

Anywho, this popped into my head when I was drunk on coffee with just a wee bit too much of Irish Creme.

Yeah, I'm back with the crack fic baby!!!!

Title: The Four Horsemen
Pairing: none really but Sean/Orlando is implied.
Rating: B for blasphemy
Summary: What if Orlando, Dominic, Billy and Elijah were the four horsemen of the Apocalypse on the eve of destruction? *shudders*

Disclaimer: I didn't write this. I don't remember writing this. And if it ever comes up, I'll deny it. It was one of my alternate personalities.

Somewhere, up in the Great Breakroom in the Sky...

"So whacha wanna do?" Dom asked a brooding Billy.

"I dunno. You?"

"Now would I be asking ya if I knew?" Dom bit out.

"This just gets so old, yeah? Day in, day out...waiting for instructions from El Jefe," Billy pouted.

Of course, if anyone ever asked, he would never admit he was pouting.

"Yeah. It wouldn't be so bad if there were more women around though," Dom said resignedly.

"Preaching to the choir man," Billy sighed.

"Not that I have that much luck with the ladies, mind ya. I mean, hello! You introduce yourself as the famine and pestilence guy and they're all like, 'well, I'll see you later,'" Dom said in an imitation of a female voice.

"Well maybe if you worked on your pick up lines a wee bit better mate," Billy pointed out.

"Yeah, well, not all of us can be the cool war guy," Dom pouted.

Not that he would ever admit that he was pouting either.

"Oi! It's no' all it's cracked up to be. And I hate this waiting shite. Always waiting..."

"I know," Elijah said as he came in and sat down. "We're like one of those...one of those waiting-around-type people."

"Being God's henchmen sucks," Billy said.

"It sucks," Elijah said.

"If there were women it would be better," Billy said.

"Yeah," all three nodded.

"Although, I think Orli has the right idea," Billy said, sitting up in his chair.

"Well, he's the cool one of the group, being persecution boy and all," Dom sneered.

"No, that's not wha' I mean. I mean, he's got it going on..."

"Yeah, may I remind you that Lucifer is a guy! A guy!" Dom pointed out, Elijah pointing at Dom as if that confirmed it.

"But at least he's gettin' some," Billy said.

"I don't know if I'd want some if it the 'some' were thrusting in me arse!" Dom said, Elijah once again pointing at Dom in confirmation while wincing.

"Speaking of Lucifer, how is ole Sean nowadays," Elijah asked.

Just then Orlando rushed into the room, breaking up the conversation. "Guys! You're not going to believe this!"

"If ya tell me about how you had a three way with Sean and one of the archangels, I don't wanna hear it," Dom said as he put his hand over his ears.

"Why would I do that? I already told you about that three centuries ago. No, listen...God called!"

"What's Mr. 'I'm the creator of everything now bow before me' want now?" Dom snarked.

"It's the Apocalypse guys! It's here!!!" Orlando shouted as he jumped up and down.

All three perked up, jumped out of their chairs and boucned along with Orlando.

"Dude! You're not messing with me, just to make me feel better, are you?" Elijah asked incredulously.

"Nope, it's here," Orli sing-songed.

"This is so bloody cool!" Dom squealed and jumped around.

"Do we get overtime?" Billy asked after a moment.

"Now where did I put my shroud," Elijah muttered as he rooted through his locker. "Ah! Here it is! And it still fits!" he said as he draped the yards of fabric over his form.

"Fuck Lij! That tent would fit all of us!" Orlando said.

"I don't think I've been this stoked since the 80's!" Dom thrummed as he searched in his locker. "There's me scales!"

"You know Dommie, God's never forgiven you for introducing Herpes into the general population just because you were bored," Elijah said, swinging his scythe over his shoulder.

"'S not fair. I mean, God's all like, forgiving everyone, no matter what they do. But me? Me...he looks at me and says, 'Oh Dommie, I'm so disappointed in ya.'"

"So Orli, how's Sean doing now that the Apocalypse is here?" Billy asked as he grabbed his sword out of the back of his locker.

"Actually," Orli sighed, "he's rather put out, poor sod. We had all these plans. Going to Fiji, ya know? And then, this came up and now he's been running around the flat muttering about 'work, work, work.' I think the whole world domination thing might be a bit much for him right now." Orlando rooted around in his locker and then put his hands on his hips. "Now where's my bow and arrow?"

"You mean the one with the broken tip?" Billy yelled out. "'S behind the fridge."

"Did you have to remind him about the broken tip," Dom whispered to Billy. "He's still sore about that!"

"It's funny ya know," Elijah laughed. "Everyone thinks the broken tip of your arrow signifies a non-violent rise to power," he said as he rolled his eyes, "when all that happened was that Dom here..."

"Dom here got so arsed drunk he sat on your arrow by accident and broke the tip," Billy laughed.

"Yeah, well that's why Viggo was appointed to write the Book of Revelations. He's like this super Spin Doctor," Elijah replied while nodding.

"Can you imagine if Dom here wrote the Book of Revelations?" Orli laughed. "'And then the end of the world was called and four cool dudes on horses came. Then everyone was fucked!'"

"Sort of the cliff notes version, yeah?" Billy laughed. "Time to put our game faces on."

"'M waiting for Gabriel to blow the horn," Elijah said.

"So when's ole Gabe gonna blow?" Billy asked in exasperation, then quickly added, "his horn, that is."

"That fucker better not be off gettin' his knob polished or some shite like that," Dom muttered.

"Oh no," Orlando said. "God had me blow Gabe just a little while ago. Just to make sure he stays frosty, God said."

"Oi, Orli! I need to get you a t-shirt that says SLUT FOR GOD!"

All the men laughed, except for Orlando.

"Ha ha," Orlando deadpanned. "You're just mad cuz I'm getting any."

"Yeah, well," Dom sighed.

"Okay, so any minute now, yeah?" Billy said excitedly.

"Yep," Elijah clapped his hands together.

"Any minute," Orlando said as he tapped his fingers on the table.

"Yep," Dom finished with a pop of his mouth.

Elijah's cell phone rang at just that moment. "Yeah?...Yeah?...Oh, okay. Yeah, you too. Bye."

"Who the fuck was that?" Dom asked.

"That was God," Elijah said dejectedly.

"What's the boss have to say?" Billy asked.

"Apocalypse's been called off dude," Elijah said as he shook his head back and forth.

"What?!?!" the three of them said as they jumped up.

"Yeah, he said it was a false alarm. It's not the end of the world after all. Hillary didn't get elected."

"Oh," Dom pouted. "So whatcha wanna do?"


You know how I feel about feedback and yeah, I know, the Book of Revelations has like a million interpretations.

This is just mine. :)

Current Mood: mischievousmischievous
Create Your Realitycourt1429 on February 10th, 2008 08:15 pm (UTC)
*waves* *snogs Maria* I'm not reading this because I don't know LOTR (ducks), but I wanted to say hi. mwah!! ;)
Maria: cannibal fic I love my spleenless gay soslave_o_spike on February 10th, 2008 08:22 pm (UTC)
*snogs and gropes you*


'S okay...

Doylebabydoylebaby on February 10th, 2008 08:56 pm (UTC)
*snickers* Poor Hills, she's really got them all in a tizzy doesn't she.

So now that the Apocalypse is called of, what're they going to do?

Btw Sean as Lucifer moaning about work is hilarious.

I had been checking whether I missed the update of Death. Hope to be able to read it soon.

Edited at 2008-02-10 08:58 pm (UTC)
Maria: Orlando making facesslave_o_spike on February 10th, 2008 09:43 pm (UTC)
It's a bit of a strange time here in the states. LOL!

I dunno what they're gonna do. I mean, there still doesn't seem to be any women (at least Sean and Orli have more time together now that that whole world domination thing won't get in the way).

Chapter 6 was a bit of a bitch to write. I wrote it several different ways (all with the same ending - the story itself hasn't changed, just how we got there in this particular chapter).

Thank you!!!
firehead30: friendsfirehead30 on February 10th, 2008 09:27 pm (UTC)
*huggles you madly have waves*
Maria: Frodo doesn't live here anymoreslave_o_spike on February 10th, 2008 09:45 pm (UTC)
LOL! I have no fucking idea what you're trying to say (or do) but I LOVE YOU too woman!

How the hell have you been?

And yeah, I'm drinking Irish coffee again today so whatever I say could not be used against me later. :)
Gigi: Little Miss Sunshinegiselleslash on February 11th, 2008 02:38 am (UTC)
Seriously, I want to have your children. I want you to be my baby daddy. Word.


This is all kinds of perfection topped with fucking hilarious dark humor, cheekiness and jimmies...just kuz I like those on my sundaes.

Anyway, yes, in conclusion: I nearly wet myself laughing, you're awesome, and I want to procreate with you. Oh, and you better post this at orlibean because this is too damn good not to share with the comm.
Maria: Frodo doesn't live here anymoreslave_o_spike on February 11th, 2008 03:15 am (UTC)
LOL! Okay. But this time, you can have the baby! (I've done my part for procreation what with the 5 kids).

Thank you and I wasn't sure if I should post there cuz there's such a brief mention of the orlibean but why not?

Not like anyone'll care in a hundred years...
simplyshanni on February 11th, 2008 07:54 am (UTC)
Oh hon, I haven't laughed so hard in ages! This was the very essence of great crack fic! Just masterfully done! I knew it would be good after you told me about it, but honestly, it turned out even better than I expected! Why do I suddenly want a sequel that focuses on Lucifer/Sean and Persecution/Orlando and what they do with all that time left on their hands since the Apocalypse has been canceled? Thanks so much for sharing this!

Totally off the subject, I've had a chance to look over Chapter 6 of DDNBH and it looks great, but real life is seriously getting in my way right now, so it will probably be closer to Tuesday than tomorrow that you'll get it back. I'm so sorry, and I hope that works out for you. You'll be hearing from me soon.


Maria: Orlando Cute!slave_o_spike on February 12th, 2008 01:44 am (UTC)
Glad you got a laugh! :)

I think my forte will always be crack fic. Yep! *nods head*

A sequel, hmmm? Well, we'll see about that.

Tuesday's fine hon. I want it perfect so I'll wait.

Thank you and hugs you tight!
liriel1810 on February 11th, 2008 08:49 am (UTC)

"Can you imagine if Dom here wrote the Book of Revelations?" Orli laughed. "'And then the end of the world was called and four cool dudes on horses came. Then everyone was fucked!'"

"Sort of the cliff notes version, yeah?" Billy laughed.

Best bit, ever!
Maria: Orlando stylingslave_o_spike on February 12th, 2008 01:41 am (UTC)
Yeah...I can see it in my head too. :)

Thank you! :D
Vikgolden_helikaon on February 11th, 2008 12:42 pm (UTC)

I think I love you :P

That was brilliant!
Maria: Orlando sighingslave_o_spike on February 12th, 2008 01:40 am (UTC)
Awww! Thank you!

*kisses you*

Amy: Eowynamygirl on February 11th, 2008 08:47 pm (UTC)
LMAO...wonderful my dear, simply wonderful! :-)
Maria: Orlando Cute!slave_o_spike on February 12th, 2008 01:40 am (UTC)
LOL! Thank you! :)
kittylass: seankittylass on February 12th, 2008 07:18 am (UTC)
I think this was my first crack fic!
It worked, it cracked me up! Thank you for the entertainment (to tide us over ;)), the image of Sean running around complaining about work because of the apocalypse *g*
Maria: Orlando sighingslave_o_spike on February 13th, 2008 04:18 am (UTC)
*hugs you back*

And if this was your first, then the thing that I just posted would be your second. ;P

Thank you - glad it worked!!!! :)
kittylass: boromirkittylass on February 13th, 2008 08:14 am (UTC)
Oh goodie! I'm a bit scared though, I heard you never know with crackfics... :p

*goes to read anyway... ofcourse!*
(Deleted comment)
Mariaslave_o_spike on February 14th, 2008 09:34 pm (UTC)

At least it wasn't...you know...all over your monitor. LOL!

Thank you!
cereajeb on February 19th, 2008 09:56 pm (UTC)

this is absolute crack!fic perfection. pure, pure perfection...would you mind terribly if i married your muse? pleeeaaasseee? i'll take good care of him/her, i swear!!! *puppy dog eyes*

also, i have GOT to get a few of my family members to read this; what with the democrats screaming obscenities and the republicans laughing their asses off...it'll be one big (violent) party!!!

and if all that hadnt won me over, the fact that you used the boys in THIS setting *is still giggling* and the smidgen of orlibean (or any slash at all, for that matter) certaintly would have :)

superb job, and kudos
Maria: Frodo doesn't live here anymoreslave_o_spike on February 20th, 2008 01:54 am (UTC)
I've had a lot of practice with the crackfic (most of what I wrote in the Qaf fandom was that).

You want to marry my muse too? LOL!

Yeah. Hey there's no sex so let your family members read away. Who knows.

Thank you!!! :) *bows*
My Flame Burns Bright: Emoticon - Grinssuch_a_steph on February 20th, 2008 10:49 am (UTC)
"Oi, Orli! I need to get you a t-shirt that says SLUT FOR GOD!"

You're giving Orli a bad name. People with no subject knowledge *raises hand* might get the wrong idea from your musings... you wouldn't want that now, would you? ;)
Maria: Baby!Orlislave_o_spike on February 20th, 2008 04:12 pm (UTC)
Awww, you know I'm only using the word in the most affectionate way. LOL!

Let's just say, for the people not in the know in this fandom, that Orli is portrayed one of two ways usually. Like a girl, who only wants his prince to come in and rescue him or as a fun loving guy who likes to experiment until the right guy comes along.

I like to portray him as a realistic gay male (just not as bad as Brian - LOL!)

Plus, Dommie's always taking the piss with him.

Thanks Steph!!!!
My Flame Burns Bright: Brian - Dimplessuch_a_steph on February 21st, 2008 01:34 pm (UTC)
Like a girl, who only wants his prince to come in and rescue him

Oh no! He's too pretty to waste on that kind of muse! Realistic gay man works fine for me :)
tweedle_tweedle_ on May 25th, 2008 08:00 am (UTC)
Oh, this does make me happy. Thanks. Came via lotr_finders and I'm very glad someone asked, so I could. :)
Maria: Orlando sighingslave_o_spike on June 10th, 2008 06:47 pm (UTC)
I am so so sorry I haven't responded to your lovely fb yet.

I've been a bit busy with RL and all that. :)

Thank you. This tends to be the kind of thing I write so I love when people acknowledge it.