First off, I just wanted to say that chapter 6 is with my beta right now so it should be up in a day or so. Life's been busy.
What's new, right?
Anywho, this popped into my head when I was drunk on coffee with just a wee bit too much of Irish Creme.
Yeah, I'm back with the crack fic baby!!!!
Title: The Four Horsemen
Pairing: none really but Sean/Orlando is implied.
Rating: B for blasphemy
Summary: What if Orlando, Dominic, Billy and Elijah were the four horsemen of the Apocalypse on the eve of destruction? *shudders*
Disclaimer: I didn't write this. I don't remember writing this. And if it ever comes up, I'll deny it. It was one of my alternate personalities.
Somewhere, up in the Great Breakroom in the Sky...
"So whacha wanna do?" Dom asked a brooding Billy.
"I dunno. You?"
"Now would I be asking ya if I knew?" Dom bit out.
"This just gets so old, yeah? Day in, day out...waiting for instructions from El Jefe," Billy pouted.
Of course, if anyone ever asked, he would never admit he was pouting.
"Yeah. It wouldn't be so bad if there were more women around though," Dom said resignedly.
"Preaching to the choir man," Billy sighed.
"Not that I have that much luck with the ladies, mind ya. I mean, hello! You introduce yourself as the famine and pestilence guy and they're all like, 'well, I'll see you later,'" Dom said in an imitation of a female voice.
"Well maybe if you worked on your pick up lines a wee bit better mate," Billy pointed out.
"Yeah, well, not all of us can be the cool war guy," Dom pouted.
Not that he would ever admit that he was pouting either.
"Oi! It's no' all it's cracked up to be. And I hate this waiting shite. Always waiting..."
"I know," Elijah said as he came in and sat down. "We're like one of those...one of those waiting-around-type people."
"Being God's henchmen sucks," Billy said.
"It sucks," Elijah said.
"If there were women it would be better," Billy said.
"Yeah," all three nodded.
"Although, I think Orli has the right idea," Billy said, sitting up in his chair.
"Well, he's the cool one of the group, being persecution boy and all," Dom sneered.
"No, that's not wha' I mean. I mean, he's got it going on..."
"Yeah, may I remind you that Lucifer is a guy! A guy!" Dom pointed out, Elijah pointing at Dom as if that confirmed it.
"But at least he's gettin' some," Billy said.
"I don't know if I'd want some if it the 'some' were thrusting in me arse!" Dom said, Elijah once again pointing at Dom in confirmation while wincing.
"Speaking of Lucifer, how is ole Sean nowadays," Elijah asked.
Just then Orlando rushed into the room, breaking up the conversation. "Guys! You're not going to believe this!"
"If ya tell me about how you had a three way with Sean and one of the archangels, I don't wanna hear it," Dom said as he put his hand over his ears.
"Why would I do that? I already told you about that three centuries ago. No, listen...God called!"
"What's Mr. 'I'm the creator of everything now bow before me' want now?" Dom snarked.
"It's the Apocalypse guys! It's here!!!" Orlando shouted as he jumped up and down.
All three perked up, jumped out of their chairs and boucned along with Orlando.
"Dude! You're not messing with me, just to make me feel better, are you?" Elijah asked incredulously.
"Nope, it's here," Orli sing-songed.
"This is so bloody cool!" Dom squealed and jumped around.
"Do we get overtime?" Billy asked after a moment.
"Now where did I put my shroud," Elijah muttered as he rooted through his locker. "Ah! Here it is! And it still fits!" he said as he draped the yards of fabric over his form.
"Fuck Lij! That tent would fit all of us!" Orlando said.
"I don't think I've been this stoked since the 80's!" Dom thrummed as he searched in his locker. "There's me scales!"
"You know Dommie, God's never forgiven you for introducing Herpes into the general population just because you were bored," Elijah said, swinging his scythe over his shoulder.
"'S not fair. I mean, God's all like, forgiving everyone, no matter what they do. But me? Me...he looks at me and says, 'Oh Dommie, I'm so disappointed in ya.'"
"So Orli, how's Sean doing now that the Apocalypse is here?" Billy asked as he grabbed his sword out of the back of his locker.
"Actually," Orli sighed, "he's rather put out, poor sod. We had all these plans. Going to Fiji, ya know? And then, this came up and now he's been running around the flat muttering about 'work, work, work.' I think the whole world domination thing might be a bit much for him right now." Orlando rooted around in his locker and then put his hands on his hips. "Now where's my bow and arrow?"
"You mean the one with the broken tip?" Billy yelled out. "'S behind the fridge."
"Did you have to remind him about the broken tip," Dom whispered to Billy. "He's still sore about that!"
"It's funny ya know," Elijah laughed. "Everyone thinks the broken tip of your arrow signifies a non-violent rise to power," he said as he rolled his eyes, "when all that happened was that Dom here..."
"Dom here got so arsed drunk he sat on your arrow by accident and broke the tip," Billy laughed.
"Yeah, well that's why Viggo was appointed to write the Book of Revelations. He's like this super Spin Doctor," Elijah replied while nodding.
"Can you imagine if Dom here wrote the Book of Revelations?" Orli laughed. "'And then the end of the world was called and four cool dudes on horses came. Then everyone was fucked!'"
"Sort of the cliff notes version, yeah?" Billy laughed. "Time to put our game faces on."
"'M waiting for Gabriel to blow the horn," Elijah said.
"So when's ole Gabe gonna blow?" Billy asked in exasperation, then quickly added, "his horn, that is."
"That fucker better not be off gettin' his knob polished or some shite like that," Dom muttered.
"Oh no," Orlando said. "God had me blow Gabe just a little while ago. Just to make sure he stays frosty, God said."
"Oi, Orli! I need to get you a t-shirt that says SLUT FOR GOD!"
All the men laughed, except for Orlando.
"Ha ha," Orlando deadpanned. "You're just mad cuz I'm getting any."
"Yeah, well," Dom sighed.
"Okay, so any minute now, yeah?" Billy said excitedly.
"Yep," Elijah clapped his hands together.
"Any minute," Orlando said as he tapped his fingers on the table.
"Yep," Dom finished with a pop of his mouth.
Elijah's cell phone rang at just that moment. "Yeah?...Yeah?...Oh, okay. Yeah, you too. Bye."
"Who the fuck was that?" Dom asked.
"That was God," Elijah said dejectedly.
"What's the boss have to say?" Billy asked.
"Apocalypse's been called off dude," Elijah said as he shook his head back and forth.
"What?!?!" the three of them said as they jumped up.
"Yeah, he said it was a false alarm. It's not the end of the world after all. Hillary didn't get elected."
"Oh," Dom pouted. "So whatcha wanna do?"
You know how I feel about feedback and yeah, I know, the Book of Revelations has like a million interpretations.
This is just mine. :)