But for now, here's another crack fic I wrote today.
Title: Maria's Viggo Mortenstein
Pairing: Orlibean. Hints of BanaBeanBloom
Rating: Hard R for language, sexual situations and body reanimation, which is different from body piercing which this story doesn't have.
Summary: Dr. Viggo Mortenstein has perfected his reanimation processes. Chaos ensues.
Disclaimer: I don't own these men cuz slavery is illegal...in this country, anyway. I'm not on any medication.
Author's note: Remember, this is a spoof on Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, okay?
Dr. Viggo Mortenstein paced the full length of his lab one more time, wondering just how mad he must be for having delusions that something of this magnitude would work.
Sure, he had resurrected that frog.
But it was a frog!
And really, who hasn't tried to bring a frog back to life before?
But this. This!
This was big. He was big.
Why, he was positively ginormous.
Viggo paced the lab once again, this time wondering if ginormous was even a word. He then ran up to the slab one more time, checked the restraints, giving one final glimpse to the creature laying on the table, a creature whose body was that of a common thief he had his grave robbers dig up and whose brain was that of his mentor, Waldman. The mad doctor spun around and pulled the lever back, the lift rushing into the air.
Viggo watched as the lightening reached a deafening crescendo, striking the rods placed strategically atop his lab.
And then it happened. The energy that had been harnessed by one of nature's most devastating elements alit atop the slab, the mad doctor laying his cheek along the thin column jutting out from the base of the floor to feel the vibrations.
Viggo pushed the lever forward, watching the slab's slow descent.
He had to laugh at how it mirrored his own sanity, which was quickly plummeting along with the slab and the horrors that lay atop it.
Viggo walked up to the slab and peered down at the creature, which lay motionless. Not one sign of life was visible.
He reached for a large hand, encircling the wrist and checking for a pulse.
Slumping his shoulders, he had to admit that this experiment was a failure.
But then, he saw it.
It was faint, but it was there.
Mortenstein walked around the table and watched the leg closely, poking it once to see if that could provoke another reaction.
He then poked at it again.
Before he could poke it a third time, he heard a moan.
It was alive!
Oh happy day!
The doctor watched as the chest started to rise and slowly fall, another moan sounding from it's throat.
And then the most miraculous thing happened.
At first the words were indiscernible, but as the creature cleared its throat, it mumbled once again.
"What? What will your first words be to my very grateful ears?" Viggo gushed as he leaned over his creation.
The creature cleared it's throat again and spoke.
"I said," it licked its lips, "could you bloody well stop with the poking."
"Oh. I'm terribly sorry," Viggo apologized as he moved away from the creature.
He watched fascinated as his creation rose from the table, yawned, stretched out and scratched his balls.
Some things just never change.
"Wot the fuck happened to me?" the thing said. "And wot the bloody hell?!?! Why the fuck do I sound like I'm from Sheffield?"
"Oh Waldman! Well, maybe I shouldn't call you Waldman. After all, you're only equipped with half of the man's brain. The other half is from the same body you're wearing. I believe his name was Sean." Viggo winced, "and yes, I believe the man was from up north."
"Wot have you done to me Mortenstein! Oh God. Listen to me. I sound like a plebeian." 'Sean' rubbed the back of his head. "And why the fuck do I have a sudden urge to watch a game involving a ruddy ball and cook something over an open fire pit?"
"This is incredible! I have created life!" Viggo laughed maniacally.
"Well, isn't that jolly good for you," Sean said. "Now wot 'bout me?" Sean then unzipped his trousers and took a look at the rather impressive piece of wood he was sprouting. "And wot you gonna do about this?!" he yelled.
"Well, since I fucked up...you know...with the whole brain thing...I could make you a mate," Viggo shrugged.
"Now you're talking," Sean smiled.
"So perhaps a saucy wench, with you know," Viggo said as he held his hands out about a foot from his chest, "or a more demure lady who..."
"Oi! No wenches. I was quite fond of the lads during my tenure at college," Sean said.
"Whoa! Isn't that like warring with your manly Sheffield side?" Viggo exclaimed.
"You're telling me," Sean nodded. "The left half of me brain wants to kick the right half of me brain's arse for being a bloody poofter. Would you listen to me? I sound like a bloody commoner. Anyway, I don't think any part of me would object as long as I get to fuck something into next week...and bloody soon!"
"Okay, okay," Viggo said as he held his hands up in surrender. "Serkis!" Viggo yelled.
Just then a small man came limping in sideways. "Yes, masterrrrr," the ugly little man hissed.
"Go fetch my grave robbers and be quick!"
Serkis hobbled away to do his master's bidding.
Half an hour later...
"You wanted to see us boss?" one of the two men who arrived said.
"Ah, Dom and Billy, my two favorite grave robbers!" Viggo smiled.
"Exactly how many grave robbers do ya know?" Sean asked as he leaned up against the slab and crossed his arms over his massive, manly chest.
"I need you to go fetch me another body! At once!"
"Ya forgot the magic word," Billy said.
Viggo sighed. "Please, go fetch me a body."
"Now was that so hard?" Dom said. "And this time, we get paid by the pound!"
"I do pay you by the pound," Viggo said as he scratched his head. "The euro hasn't been invented yet."
"I mean, by the pound," Dom hissed.
Famous last words.
One day later
Viggo strapped the body onto the slab, secured the restraints and raised the lift once again, thanking whatever powers that be for the lightening storm warring in the sky.
And the weatherman had said it would be a balmy night.
"I dunno 'bout this," Sean said as he came up behind Viggo. The right side of his brain thought this couldn't end well while the left side of his brain played with himself.
"Did you see him? He was glorious!" Viggo smiled, a nervous twitch suddenly forming in the corner of his left eye.
"Yes, but he was rather big, wouldn't you say?" Sean asked.
"But...but he was beautiful. He is beautiful."
"Well, let's get this thing going. I'm getting the bloodiest case of blue balls yet," Sean said as he scratched at his groin one more time.
After lightening struck again, and Viggo lowered the lift, he once again checked for vital signs by poking the large creature's leg.
"Ya know, there has to be a more scientific way to do this than that," Sean smirked.
A loud moan came from the table, followed by another while Viggo's creation sat up on the slab, having broken through the restraints.
"Okay, that's new," Viggo said while both men took a step back.
"Told you he was too ruddy big."
The creature moaned and grunted again, looking around and fixing his brown eyes on the two men standing just to the side.
It made several motions with it's mouth, trying to form words, but none came, just grunts and moans.
"Wot did you do ya daft fool? Why can't he talk?"
"I must have severed his vocal chords," Viggo pondered as he scratched his head. "So...what should we call him?"
"I always liked the name Eric," Sean shrugged.
"Okay. So, there you go," Viggo said as he pointed to the large man. "Should I dim the lights? Put romantic music on?"
"Oh bloody hell..."
Sean took 'Eric' by the hand and walked into the next room.
Five minutes later
"That was quick," Viggo said, the twitch on the side of his eye becoming more and more pronounced.
"We're both bloody tops ya tosser!" Sean exclaimed while Eric grunted in the corner, staring at the contents of a jar on the shelf labeled FRODO.
"Alright, I'll just get another body, this time making sure he's more...pliable...flexible...whatever. Serkis!" Viggo yelled.
Serkis limped back into the laboratory.
"Go fetch me Dom and Billy again!" Viggo pointed to the door, Serkis grumbling as he walked out, something about when would somebody fucking invent the cell phone.
Somewhere, out in the middle of nowhere, in the drenching rain
"Where are we?" Billy asked over the sound of the heavy downpour.
"I dunno, but we could ask the person that lives in that cottage," Dom pointed at the small dwelling. "At least have a warm, dry place to stay until this is over."
"Right," Billy said as they both set out for the shelter, walking up the clear path to the front door.
As they knocked, they heard the sound of a rather nice voice behind the door. "Coming!"
As the man opened the door, Dom and Billy's mouths dropped open.
"Oh he's a pretty one," Dom said.
Billy ran his hand over the man's eyes, "blind though. That's a shame."
The man sighed, "would you like to get in out of the rain?"
"Thank you," Billy said as they were ushered through the door into a room made warm by a roaring fire. "This is my friend Dom and I'm Billy. This is awfully kind of you."
"The name's Orlando. Welcome to my home," he said as he pointed to a few chairs. "Sit down. I'll get some tea."
The two wet travelers sat down before the fire, warming their hands, "so what do you do out here?" Dom asked.
"Throw massive orgies, snowboard...I'm blind! What the bloody hell do you think I do out here?!? No one comes to visit," Orlando mumbled, "don't remember the last time I got laid..."
"Well we could help you there," Dom smiled.
"Dominic!" Billy shrieked as he elbowed his companion.
"What, look at him. I'd reckon ole Sean would take a right fancy to him," Dom said as he pointed to Orlando. "We're being paid this time to get somethin' pretty."
"Are ya forgettin somethin'?"
Dominic just stared back.
"He's not dead ya bloody fool!" Billy exclaimed.
"Well, we could take care of that," Dom smiled wickedly.
"You know," Orlando said as he cleared his throat, "I'm blind. "'M not deaf and you two are suddenly making me feel a wee bit uncomfortable. I'd like you to leave...you know...now."
"We're sorry," Billy said sheepishly. "My partner is...how would you say it..."
"An idiot. A moron. A complete and utter waste of human flesh and a burden to all of mankind?" Orlando asked.
"Well now you don' have to be rude," Billy said.
"I want you to leave," Orlando said while picking up his walking stick and twirling it in an arc through the air.
"Isn't that cute Bills? He fancies himself a regular Jackie Chan."
Five minutes later
Dom and Billy shook their head as they tried to make their way off the wooden floor.
"Where did he go?" Dommie asked as he brushed himself off, his bruised ribs screaming in agony at him.
Both men looked to the front door which was open. "I think he ran off," Billy said.
"Why in the bloody hell would he do that? He was bleedin' winnin'?!"
Both men ran out the door and looked both ways, visibility low in the pouring rain. "Hold on! I see 'im!" Billy shouted as he pointed toward the forrest.
Dominic ran into the dense, dark thicket of trees, the only thing visible was the white of the walking stick Orlando was frantically waving in front of him.
"We should get to him before he gets hurt!" Dom shouted.
Orlando managed to run through the trees and come out the other side onto a small road. As he ran out, he didn't see the horse and carriage as it barreled toward him. Before he could get out of the way, and not hearing Dominic and Billy's warning shouts, he was hit head on by the horse, going down quickly.
Both men stood for a second, Billy commenting, "he might still be alright." Just then, the wheels of the carriage rolled over their late host, severing his head off his body.
"Okay, that could pose a bit of a problem," Billy winced.
"So, ya know," Dominic shrugged, "he's dead now. Can we take 'im?"
Dominic picked up the decapitated body and threw it over his horse while Billy grabbed the head and wrapped it carefully, securing it to the side of his beast.
A little while later, somewhere around tea time...
"We're back!" Billy yelled. "And look! Isn't he a pretty one!" Billy held up the head.
"I was hoping for the whole body to go with it," Sean said, looking at the head. "But he is a pretty one."
"Here's the rest of 'im," Dommie said as he threw the body onto the slab. "Now where's me money."
Viggo paid the men and watched them go.
He retrieved his sewing kit and set about re-attaching the head.
Sean ran up to Viggo and grabbed the doctor by his collar. "Make sure the stitches are small."
So Viggo stitched the body back together, cleaned it up, tried a new shampoo he had lying around, tied a rather fetching leather collar around the neck to hide the stitches, and strapped the body to the slab, using more cuffs and ties than necessary.
Viggo cleared his throat, while Sean and Eric readjusted themselves.
"Is it just me or is it getting rather hot in here?" Sean whispered to Eric.
Eric grunted his affirmation.
"Wow, it's very convenient, what with this lightening storm, for a third night in a row," Viggo mused as he lifted the slab, once again creating life from death.
Of course, it was getting a bit old now, Viggo thought.
Down came the slab, Viggo poking the leg once again.
Suddenly two brown eyes opened and looked around. Orlando looked straight up into the three faces peering down at him.
"Oh my God," he said incredulously. " I can see! Hey! 'M not dead either!" Orlando tried to sit up off the table but found himself restrained. "Um...guys..."
"I rather like him like this," Sean smiled.
Eric grunted his affirmation once again, also smiling.
"Um...hello! Former dead blind guy here," Orlando said as he started to squirm more, "if I get off this bloody table, I'll kick your arses!"
"Hold on lad," Sean laughed. "Hold on."
Sean worked on the restraints, releasing his new mate. Sean growled at Eric as the large man started to sniff Orlando up and down.
"Is this the family pet?" Orlando asked, smiling as Eric sniffed his toes. Orlando laughed, "can we keep him?"
Sean nuzzled into Orlando's neck, growling once again. "Sure. Whatever. For something that was dead only a scant few moments ago, you sure smell nice."
Both men started to rub up against each other, stroking along exposed skin. Their whimpers and moans becoming louder.
Viggo shifted in his pants. "Is it me or is it getting hotter in here?"
Eric grunted in affirmation.
"Uh guys, a little privacy here, please," Sean said as he held onto Orlando.
"Do you think we could play with Eric too later on?" Orlando asked innocently.
"I'm not very good at sharing lad...but okay. Could be fun." Sean rubbed his cheek against Orlando's again. "What should we do about Viggo? I was thinking of taking him out to the middle of the North Pole and ditching him there."
"Well, someone has to pay the bills. I mean, reanimating the dead must have some monetary value, right?" Orlando said. "Oh! We should get a patent lawyer."
"Come here," Sean growled again, attacking Orlando's lips.
Sean lowered the younger man onto the table, covering him completely as he started to rip the shirt off his new lover. Sean was thrusting against Orlando's leg, becoming more frantic.
"Sean...mmmm...Sean," Orlando moaned. His back started to hurt as it rubbed along the hard slab.
"Sean...it's hurting...stop Sean..."
Orlando woke with a start, slowly forgetting the dream he just had. His back was hurting as the hard surface beneath him allowed him no comfort.
And it felt like his arse was on fire.
"You okay lad?" Sean asked as he leaned over Orlando, his sleep-mussed hair sticking out all over his head.
"I just had the weirdest dream! Viggo was this mad scientist and you were his...oh never mind. Fuck, where are we?" the younger man queried as he looked down at the table they both lay across. "Where's my clothes?" he asked, looking down at his naked form. "Where's your clothes Sean? And why is my arse so sore?"
"Don't you remember lad?" Sean asked, one eyebrow lifted in question. "Viggo's party last night? He made that weird concoction with vodka, rum and coke. Oh...me head," Sean moaned.
"So we...um...fell asleep on the table after...um," Orlando stuttered.
"After I fucked you against it...yeah," Sean said sheepishly. "Um...do you remember what else we did Orli?"
"No, do you?" he asked his rumpled lover.
"So you don't remember about," Sean started but was then interrupted by a loud groan coming from under the table.
"Eric," Sean finished.
"What about Eric," Orlando growled.
Another moan could be heard, followed by Eric poking his head out from under the table. He slowly made his way off the ground. "Where the fuck are my clothes? Oh hey guys!" the large man waved.
"Well," Sean started, his hand rubbing the back of his head, "remember how we talked about experimenting, yeah? And then there was Viggo with that stupid bloody drink and then Dom and Bills accidentally tripped you and you laughed and...well...you landed in me lap...and Eric's too...and then you made this joke about why have one cock up your arse when you could have two...and..."
Well, that explained his sore arse.
"Hey guys!" Viggo chirped happily as he walked into his kitchen. "Oh whoa. Naked men in my kitchen. Okay...well," Viggo said, a twitch starting in on the side of his eye, "um...clean up, okay?" And with that Viggo ran out of the kitchen.
He had a rather pressing matter to attend to.
"Bloody hell," Orlando moaned, rubbing the kinks out of his neck. "Hey! Why am I wearing a bloody fucking dog collar!"
Grunting is also valid feedback. :)