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24 February 2008 @ 04:06 pm
Birthday FIC Standalone for critic75  
Okay, so it's critic75's (JJ's) birthday today. I haven't done this in quite a while, but here it goes. We're all taking a trip back to...

You guessed it.

Qaf Cannibal County, USA. Where the sausage is not what you think and Brian is the main guy in meat procurement and Justin is not just some twink in overalls, but the twinkie in Brian's lunch box.

Usually I put the birthday girl in the fic. I did put her in, of course, since she's been staying at Casa de Munchers, but FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, I have put myself into the cannibal!verse!

Who, you ask?

Why the mayor of course. :)

Title: A Return to Cannibal County USA - Queer as Folk style
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Light bondage, Maria as mayor
Summary: It's JJ's birthday so the mayor wants a special celebration for the day in her honor so she enlists the help of Ranger Ben and Brian.

Disclaimers: Yeah...*snicker*...I'm really the mayor of a town in between Philadelphia and the Pitts. And I have Brian and Ben at my beck and call. LOL! So not not not not true...

And oh yeah, here's a pic of the toy I'm talking about in case any of you forgot:


Twisting his hat in his anxious hands, Ranger Ben stood in the hallway.

"Oh hey Ben!" the mayor's secretary, Cynthia called out. "You here to see El Jefe?"

"Yeah, she called me in. I'm kinda...nervous," Ben said as he ran his hand through his hair again.

"Well, you're gonna have a long wait out here. She's out back," Cynthia said as she indicated the courtyard.

"Oh, out back," Ben sighed.

That could only mean one thing.

Both people paused as they heard the unmistakable sound of the chainsaw.

"She's at it again?" Ben asked shakily.

"Yep," she nodded.

"A bear this time?"

"After the last one? The one with a touch of HR Giger about it? I still have nightmares about that spine," Cynthia said as she shivered.

"What is it today?" Ben asked puzzled.

"You don't wanna know," she said as she shook her head.

"Should I go...down there?" Ben asked, swallowing audibly. The fact of the matter was, the mayor was a scary person and Ben tried to steer clear of her.

God only knew what she wanted now.

And on top of all that, she had that damnable chainsaw today!

"Better get it over with," she said as she patted him on the back. "She's been in a real pissy mood ever since that ex-MicroSoft nerd accidentally played around and caused that spacetime continuum in her courtyard so it's a good idea not to keep her waiting." And with that Cynthia turned on her tall stiletto heels and walked away.

Ben approached the garden in the back. There she was, outfitted in those hideous overalls, although he didn't seem to mind so much when Brian and Justin wore them.

Clearing his throat, Ben stood well back from the woman holding the chainsaw and carving a tall piece of wood. "Mayor?" Ben asked, over the sound of the buzzing noise.

The woman looked up from her sawing and regarded the ranger, peering at him through her thick goggles. She turned off the chainsaw and strode over to the nervous man, getting right into his personal space. "What did I tell you before...about being in my presence?"

"Oh sorry," Ben said sheepishly. He then proceeded to take his shirt off, standing straighter.

"That's better," Maria said sternly and turned around. Ben missed the secret smile the mayor paid to no one in particular. "You know how I hate those fascist uniforms. Really, Ben," she tsked.

"We could change them to something more eco-friendly," he pointed out.

"Yeah, we could. Or I could have you run around naked in nothing but a dog collar." The woman put her chainsaw down on one of the stumps and took off her goggles. "Anywho, I called you here for one reason..."

"Yeah, I saw that article on the effects of cow flatulence in the news too," Ben said excitedly.

Maria sighed deeply. "Actually, that's not it. But since it you mention it, this isn't gonna be a problem is it Ben? I mean the whole cow flatulence being the number one cause of methane in the air? I don't like...have to get a restraining order out on you and keep you from within 100 yards of all the cows in the county for fear you'll go around shooting them, right? I mean, this could cause a problem with our local dairy farmers if they have to worry about your eco terrorist tactics."

"No, I just think though, just a thought mind you," Ben quickly added, "that maybe we can put a restriction on them. Like a curfew...at night."

"You want to put a curfew...on cows. Uh huh," Maria pondered as she looked at her Chief Ranger. "You know, I think you greenies are just looking at this the wrong way. See? When you see a truckload of lemons, you just see the lemons. I see a chance to make lemonade. Why don't we just herd the cows into a big dome and then harness the natural gas coming from their emissions. We save the air from the harmful effects of methane and develop a new energy source that's clean and efficient. I mean...if I was so inclined," Maria said off-handedly.

"I never would have thought of that," Ben said, scratching his head.

"Precisely. That's why I'm in charge here and you're standing around shirtless and dating a monkey. So anyway, back to business, I think you know it's JJ's birthday today."

"Yes, I heard about that."

"Well," Maria said as she paced in front of Ben, "being that she's the oldest person at this time in the town, which is a big accomplishment since...you know...the mortality rate is so fucking high around here, I thought we could honor her tonight with a big town barbecue."

"Wow! How come we don't do a potluck?" Ben asked.

"Too much left to chance," Maria waved away. "I don't want to know what Debbie would bring and I certainly don't want Mel or Lindsay making anything. That's all we need, to spend the day celebrating JJ's birthday dead."

Ben looked at the mayor in puzzlement.

"It must be nice in your world," the mayor mused. "Anyway, I've got Brian coming over since he's such a whiz bang at meat procurement and all. Ah, here he is now..."

Just then Brian and Justin walked in. Justin, Ben noted was wearing baggy overalls but this time he had a light blue tee-shirt on underneath.

"Hello boys," the mayor leered.

"And just what the fuck is that?!" Brian asked incredulously, looking at the huge wood carving.

"Why Brian. I thought of all people you would know what that is," Maria smiled.

"It's a cock," Justin said as he moved around the large sculpture, running his hands over the smooth surface.

Ben and Brian readjusted themsleves. "I can see it's a cock," Brian smirked. "Why the fuck would you make something like that?"

"A tourist attraction, what else?" Maria shrugged. "Hey Skippy!" she called out to Justin, "want me to lay it on its side so you can ride it? Sorta like pony rides, but...not."

"The only woodie he'll be riding is mine," Brian growled.

"Pfft! My cock's bigger," Maria mumbled.

"So what inspired you to...erect this?" Brian smirked.

"This," Maria said as she picked up a small toy. "My kid got it from a Happy Meal. See? It's actually a cat, but it looks rather phallic if you ask me."

All three men looked at the strange toy.

Just then, a hole opened up out of nowhere.

"Fuck! There goes that wormhole in time again," Maria muttered. A man stepped out, dressed in a fedora hat, a leather jacket, carrying a bull whip.

"Hey! You're Indiana Jones!" Justin said incredulously.

Jones walked up to the men and grabbed the toy. "This belongs in a museum," he said, pointing at the toy and stepped back into the hole. The anomaly closed in behind him.

"Damn! That was my kid's toy. Hey Skippy!" Maria said to Justin. "Here's a five. Go get a happy meal!"

Brian took the five and gave it back to Maria. "Go get your own toy. So, what is it you want me to acquire?"

"Right. First," Maria said as she turned to Ben, "I need you to go to the town proper and close off the main street. Direct traffic away and make sure the main part of town is set up for one big motherfucking block party."

"Right," Ben nodded and then stopped. "Uh, can I put my shirt back on?"

Maria nodded in the affirmative and waved him away. She then turned to the two other men. "I need you to get something for the spit at the barbecue."

Brian inclined his head, as if to continue.

"A pig...okay? And I mean a pig. Don't get cute. Don't start trolling for the state patrol. A pig, like Arnold from Green Acres," Maria stated seriously.

"Right," Brian said distractedly, while looking at some bungee cords on the ground, and then back at the cock sculpture, an evil smile lighting up his face. "Yeah, something named Arnold...got it..."

Maria looked at Brian worriedly. Just then, they were interrupted by a new arrival. "Oh hey JJ," Maria said as she noticed the guest of honor for the day walking into the courtyard. "Remember, Brian, a pig...you know...'oink, oink,'" she reiterated before she walked away, JJ in tow.

"Pig...oink oink...got it," Brian said, his eyes still fixed on the bungee cord. He picked up said cords and continued to leer at Justin.

He would get the damn pig from one of the suppliers he had on his list. He got the implied threat and knew better than to get something else. But first he had something in mind and it involved his lover and getting his dessert before the festivities.

As the two women were sitting in the mayor's office, JJ took another sip of the White Zinfandel. "Oh that's good. I love drinking something that I don't have to worry is poisoned with arsenic."

"Yeah, well drink up. You've earned it," Maria said as she walked around the office and peered out the window which looked down onto her courtyard. "Well, now there's something you don't see everyday..."

"What?" JJ asked as she walked around to the window. Both women looked out onto the grassy area where the cock statue stood.

"Oh dear. Is it me or is it getting hot in here?" JJ asked.

"Oh yeah," Maria muttered off as she looked at the sight before her.

Justin's back was against the wooden cock, his arms secured tightly behind the monstrosity with the bungee cords. His overalls were down around his ankles, the shirt pushed up passed his nipples. Brian had hoisted Justin's thighs up and the boy was gripping them around the older man's waist as Brian fucked him hard against the structure.

"I hope the poor boy doesn't get splinters in his back," JJ fretted.

"Ouch," Maria said, her brows furrowing. "I didn't think of that. I had sanded that part down pretty smoothly though."

Maria and JJ watched as Brian pounded mercilessly into the bound boy, Justin's body moving up and down the cock as Brian sped up his thrusts.

"This beats the times we've watched them down at the lake," JJ said.

"Oh yeah," Maria said, her eyes glazing over.

Justin's head was lolling against the cock, back and forth, his eyes closing in a quiet surrender of ecstasy. "Oh! Oh! Oh!" Justin yelled as the spasms ran through his body.

Brian let out one final yell and panting heavily, slumped over the body.

Both women quickly moved away from the window, sitting down abruptly, and looking at innocently at the ceiling.


"Yeah," Maria said.

Another silence.

"Hey JJ," Maria smiled lasciviously, "happy fucking birthday." And with that, both women picked up their forgotten wine glasses and toasted each other.


Happy Birthday JJ!!!!

*kisses you*

Current Mood: refreshedrefreshed
Chaos..panic..disorder...my work here is done.: No copulating from Cannibal crackficjillapet on February 25th, 2008 12:49 am (UTC)

Where do I start?

Happy Birthday, babe!
Maria: Shaun LOLslave_o_spike on February 25th, 2008 03:28 am (UTC)

No need to start hon! I think your first line said it all. Thanks!!!! *squishes you*
snow_white79: DresdenDollssnow_white79 on February 25th, 2008 01:35 am (UTC)
(clapping) Hehehehe!! That was so fuckin' awesome! FYI, my birthday is March 10th LOL!!! OMG I loved this... so awesome. I'll be grinning for a week now. lol
Maria: B/J cha cha chaslave_o_spike on February 25th, 2008 03:29 am (UTC)
March 10? So you want to make a trip to this fucked up town too, eh? LOL!

Glad to have made your week! Thanks hon! :)
shadownyc: paddies  - S5 crack-upshadownyc on February 25th, 2008 01:46 am (UTC)

You are so fabulous.

BTW--My b-day is in May *hints shamelessly*
Maria: cannibal fic I love my spleenless gay soslave_o_spike on February 25th, 2008 03:30 am (UTC)
Ah, another person who wants to go to my little hamlet. :)

You got it babe! :)

Thank you!!!!
mdlawmdlaw on February 25th, 2008 02:03 am (UTC)
Evil...evil...hehehehe m :D
Maria: Justin smilingslave_o_spike on February 25th, 2008 03:31 am (UTC)
I AM evil.

*laughs maniacally*

Thank you!! :)
my2cats: brian cracks up_animatedmy2cats on February 25th, 2008 02:13 am (UTC)
Haha...to funny!

You haven't lost your touch!

BTW Maria,my birthday is in June...just saying,lol
Maria: Justin condomslave_o_spike on February 25th, 2008 03:33 am (UTC)
You haven't lost your touch!

You know what they say: Once touched in the head, always touched in the head. LOL!

Another one who wants to make a visit to the hamlet?! There ARE cannibals here, remember? :P

Thank you!!!! :)
singlewoman: Emmet laugh by badbadpixiesinglewoman on February 25th, 2008 02:50 am (UTC)
OMG woman I have missed this story! You with a chainsaw and a space time continuum in the back yard, and Indy to boot. I just love your demented brain.

Not to mention Brian fucking Justin tied up to a giant wooden cock.

Happy birthday JJ, you well deserve this.
Maria: Justin 101 - dickslave_o_spike on February 25th, 2008 03:35 am (UTC)
I think me with a chainsaw is the first wrong thing about this. LOL! :)

Yep. Brains don't get more demented than mine. :P

Not to mention Brian fucking Justin tied up to a giant wooden cock.

You know, when you say that, it sounds funny.

Thank you babe! *smooches you*
rosy5000: Brian win chaiserosy5000 on February 25th, 2008 03:29 am (UTC)
ROTFLMAO!!!! I have missed this so!

OMG! Where to start? *grins*

Ben running around in nothing but a dog collar is a terrific idea! ;)

Though, Brian, Justin, Ben, AND Indy in one are.... too much hot. ;D *drools*

You sure know how to celebrate a birthday. ;D
Maria: Justin smilingslave_o_spike on February 25th, 2008 03:37 am (UTC)
Where do you start on something as wrong as this?!?! LOL!

I think the Ben idea is a good one too. :)

Usually I just celebrate with a cake and ice cream. :P

Thank you!!!!
critic75: Wipes eyes-Tedcritic75 on February 25th, 2008 05:11 am (UTC)
Oh my God, woman. Talk about a SURPRISE!!
I had given up hope long ago of ever seeing the town again. BTW, does our town have a name? If I had only known, I would have been born sooner. I wore a big smile on my face all through the story. You had all of the most celebrated people there. The mayor, the old woman, Brian and Justin, Ben, and Cynthia. Now, if the muse doesn't run away, the other most important people will have to appear. Sausage maker Debbie, the Borgia twins Mel and Lindz, monkey Mikey, clueless, paranoid Ted, and the fattened Ethan.
Did I leave out Em and his dressed up (?)rabbits??
You just can't fight success. It makes demands, but you make everyone so happy, just to be able to read this story. They can't help wanting more.
I feel very privileged though. Like a virgin. I was your first birthday girl, and I won't forget that.
Thank you so very much for the wonderful, marvelous birthday gift.
Your biggest fan,
Mariaslave_o_spike on February 25th, 2008 04:31 pm (UTC)
I'll always bring the town back. I just can't seem to get rid of them. LOL!

And you're not the old woman! Pfft! There's a difference between an old woman and the oldest woman in town (esp that town!)

It was dressed up cats, not rabbits.

I'm glad you enjoyed! Happy Birthday hon and many more!

*smooches and hugs*

BTW, are you still reading my Orlibean wip?
liriel1810 on February 25th, 2008 10:23 am (UTC)
Okay, I know fuck all about QaF, but I just had to say, that toy looks like a dick wearing a Carmen Miranda fruit hat! And they sell that with a Happy Meal? What on earth is Ronald McDonald thinking? ;P
Maria: Justin gets caughtslave_o_spike on February 25th, 2008 04:34 pm (UTC)
Yep, that is what it is!

LOL! Actually, it's a cat named Waffle from a Nickelodeon cartoon that star cats who've inherited a VAST fortune.


If you follow my toy tag posts, you can see the other toys from this batch. :)

And Brian and Justin are just too sexy!

*points to icon*
liriel1810 on February 26th, 2008 06:30 am (UTC)
No, seriously... they're having a laugh, right?

*sigh* One day I'll actually get around to checking out what everyone else is raving about (QaF and Torchwood), but by then I expect everyone will have moved on already... I always seem to be a day late and a pound short!
Bluemchenkaffee: ice creambluemchenkaffee on February 25th, 2008 04:45 pm (UTC)
LOL I so missed this universe. :)
Who needs a birthday-barbecue when you can see that:
Maria and JJ watched as Brian pounded mercilessly into the bound boy, Justin's body moving up and down the cock as Brian sped up his thrusts.

Thanks for making me smile, Maria and happy birthday to critic75
Maria: Justin condomslave_o_spike on February 27th, 2008 10:24 pm (UTC)
We can never truly leave this verse you know...LOL!

Yeah. We had a bit of a hard time at the BBQ later when all we could think about was wooden cock sex!

Thank you Susanne! :)
sevigny7sevigny7 on February 26th, 2008 04:09 am (UTC)
OMG! Yaaay! *Flails* (I don't know why, but I just love to Flail. Flail. Flail. Stop me, Maria!)

It's the OOL (Overalls of Lust) universe that is my happy place! I just love Naked-Abs Ranger Ben. And the little shout-out to Monkey Mikey!

Cynthia's spike heels make me swoon! And this new character, Mayor Maria, appears to know her way around a 'Cat O Nine Tails', and I'm thinking there might be a contest with Indy in the future! You know, when she goes through the portal to retrieve the Phallic Icon that will allow its owner to control the Universe...

I can't begin to wrap my mind around Wooden Phallis Sculpture Sex IN OVERALLS with the BLUE TEESHIRT!!!...my head 'sploded half-way through.

I'm going to bed happy tonight.
Maria: Justin smilingslave_o_spike on February 27th, 2008 10:23 pm (UTC)
*pushes on your arms so they'll go down*

*arms come back up*

*tackles you to ground*

Yep, the overalls are back baby! And naked Ben too cuz...you can never have enough! :)

I could go back into the portal with my gal Friday (Cynthia - she would of course be wearing something uber slinky). Fuck it! I'd leave the damn phallic symbol and come back with Indy. Then I'd put them all in my stable - naked and collared.

Is it just me or is t hot in here?

I thought most people's head would splode with the whole fucking against a phallic symbol while tied.

Thank you and I'm glad you went to bed with a happy! :)
Doriantdorian on February 26th, 2008 01:35 pm (UTC)
So glad to see my favorites cannibals again ! thank you, thank you !! But...(...) I can't help being sad.I asked (begged) one of this little piece for my brithady and never get it.snif snif *sad eyes* Aida
Maria: cannibal fic copulatingslave_o_spike on February 27th, 2008 10:19 pm (UTC)
I am so sorry Aida. *pets you*

I remember when it was your b-day and I was so having problems writng cannibals. Lately, I seem to have been inspired. In fact, I'm writing a BJ standalone sequel to one of the standalone I wrote. I'm gonna write something for you though this year. :)

*hugs you*

Thanks for the fb though! :)