So, I've been in a pissy mood about the shop.
First off, someone vandalized my phone system and cut the wires out from the base of our box so we didn't have phone service (which includes taking credit cards) through a very busy lunch on Tuesday. The phone company was in the area fixing other power sources that had been vandalized so I had phone service by 1:00 but still!
And then it seems the network in the Washington and Oregon state area, at least those customers who use that particular network, myself included, has been having problems so credit card transactions have been taking for fucking EVER!!!!
I downloaded a program that my service provided to my credit card terminal - took about an hour and a half to do - and it still didn't work!
So I have to go into the shop in about an hour and a half to try another download.
I'm just in a pissy mood...*grumbles*
Anywho, so since I'm feeling particularly nasty, if anyone has a request for me to write something in the cannibal!verse - anyone they want to meet a particularly nasty end - go ahead and make it!
Or do you want me to take one of the guardians from the Through a Mirror Darkly!verse and have them actually eat someone?
Or, Or! My daughter was watching the tail end of the second Pirates movie, Dead Man's Chest.
That movie is positively bursting with the vore!!!!
Cannibalistic natives and the Kraken?!?!
I could write some nasty and dark one shots from that! LOL!
This one is for charlie_jae: A short ficlet, (not drabble - it's more than 100 words) pre Justin:
"Debbie! Debbie!" Brian yelled. "What the fuck are you fucking doing?!?! I could hear the screaming all the way down the road!"
"I'm sorry Brian," Debbie said sheepishly as she stood there, blood spattering the front of her apron and covering her shirt which read I WIPE MY BROTHER'S ASS AND I'M PROUD OF IT.
"What have I told you? Can you remember?"
"It's just...it's just, he refused my advances. How could he refuse my advances?"
"Uh...maybe because he's gay Debbie?"
"He was?" Debbie said incredulously. "But he was a cop!"
"Yeah, I just fucked him last night before I put him in the pen. Found out that he killed some hustler too over in the Pitts."
"Oh...well...now don't I have egg on my face," Debbie laughed nervously.
"Well you have more than egg on your face right now. Go clean up and I'll clean this up."
"Sorry baby," Debbie said as she lay one blood soaked hand on Brian's forearm.
"Yeah, well okay."
Debbie turned away to go but stopped as Brian called out to her one more time.
"Debbie! Just please...can you consult me before you put someone into the meat grinder before they're dead?"
Edit Number Two:
This one is for bluemchenkaffee who requested a guardian eating Ethan in my Through a Mirror Darkly verse!
God what was that awful sound?!?
It couldn't understand why it was hurting his ears so much.
It had been around this universe for so long and had seen so many different things and had devoured so much culture and history.
But this was...it was unforgivable, was what it was!
Emerging from the wall, slowly becoming more solid as it broke away from it's confines, it made its presence known to the offensive mortal.
This would be food.
He wouldn't just devour it's sanity but everything.
So it could never make that sound again!
Slowly the guardian snaked a long tentacle out, wrapping its fleshy appendage around the unsuspecting human.
And finally, the sound stopped!
But it wasn't enough. The human could pick that damn instrument back up and continue with its noise.
It moved its tentacle up around the human, a coil cocooning its victim and squeezed.
It could feel the life force drain away as it continued to struggle.
After all, escape was futile.
Not only was it a noisy human, but a stupid one as well. It needed to just accept its fate.
And just as quickly as it had taken it by surprise, it could feel the mortal's protestations dying down.
It would not be making what it called music ever again.
After the guardian had ingested the offender, it regurgitated a single item back onto the floor of the music building.
A very broken violin.
It wondered if the mortals in this realm knew of the great contribution to society it had just bestowed on their mortal sensibilities.
Mortals were such an ungrateful lot.
Okay, here's one for singlewoman who requested her ex (Bob) to be used in whatever way I saw fit (not even good enough for the sausage).
"Fuck! Shit! Damnit! Where the fuck is this fucking swimming hole bitch!"
"Jush a lil up," the woman slurred as she made her way through the brush, "jush up here."
The woman stopped and kept trying to balance herself on the log she managed to climb up onto.
Bob didn't know what possessed him to come all the way over here, in the middle of the fucking night.
He should have just stayed in Jersey, but damn if his ex-wife didn't get him so pissed off! Talking about what the kids need, what they want, what should be expected of him as their father, his responsibility, yadda yadda yadda.
He fucking provided the sperm!
She's their mother. She needed to take it from there.
So here he was, somewhere out in the middle of bum-fuck Egypt, some little berg in between Philly and the Pitts. He managed to find a roadhouse that seemed to be fairly hopping and a few drinks later, managed to corner Bambi, the woman who was currently balancing on the log. A few more drinks, and a few well placed innuendos, and Bambi was telling him wouldn't it be a great idea to go skinny dipping at this little secluded little swimming hole she knew about.
So here he was, but now that the air had hit him and the effects of the drink was wearing off, he realized that the buxom and blonde Bambi wasn't 'all that' after all.
Besides the fact that her breath smelled as if something had crawled in there and died and he could see the effects of bad dental hygiene, he could see the dark roots all over her head.
It was a rather poor dying job. Not to mention the fact that the hair looked as if it had seen too many of the terrible dye jobs to begin with.
And now that he managed to get a closer look at her 'impressive rack,' he noticed the several stretch marks over the exposed areas. Quickly copping a feel off one of them, with a very surprised Bambi expressing her gratitude he realized yet another thing.
They were stiff.
Great! Another terrible silicon job!
And without the lights of the bar, her face was coming into focus. Not even the heavy make-up could cover the many flaws on this woman's face.
"So Bambi, this it?" Maybe they could just jump into the water, have a quick fuck and get the hell out of there. The place was giving him the creeps.
Looking at the water, Bob decided maybe he wouldn't be skinny dipping after all and would just take her there on the bank.
And with that, Bambi stripped of all her finery and before she could jump into the water, Bob grabbed her by the hair (and oh god, how it felt like straw) and started to feel her well used body all over.
"Not so fast," she cooed. "A swim first."
"Fuck that!" Bob, not being the kind of man who thought of others first, showed her differently.
After fifteen minutes, and Bob achieving quick satisfaction, both people broke apart.
"I need to swim," Bambi said. "Get all this sticky stuff off me."
"Yeah, sure, whatever," Bob said and laid back on the ground. He watched as Bambi dove into the water and swam a few yards away.
"Oh no! I can't believe I did this!" Bambi exclaimed. "Oh God. Help me Bill! Help me!"
"It's Bob! Fucking twit...did what?!" he called out.
But before she could get another word out, he watched as she was pulled back down under the water and bubbles started to foam around her.
"Shit!" Bob yelled.
"Bob!" Bambi yelled as she resurfaced. "Help me. Piranha!"
Piranha. What the fuck? What would piranha be doing out here.
Bob knew one thing. He wasn't going to be going under to save Bambi.
They would just have to identify her the next day when they pulled out her dead carcass using her dental records.
Of course, Bob realized she might not have any dental records.
And with that, Bob ran off into the woods. He kept running. Hopefully no one saw him with Bambi at the roadhouse. He could get into his car, drive back to Jersey and forget any of this ever happened.
He was just about ready to make it back to the main road when he fell over a tree branch that was sticking out of the ground.
Trying to get up, he realized quickly someone's boot had been planted firmly in his lower back.
"Now what do we have here?" the man in overalls said as he leaned over Bob.
"I was running," Bob panted out.
"I can see that. You're a little old to be trying out for the High School track team, now aren't you?" the man said.
Bob looked at the man. He was carrying a long axe in one hand. "I was swimming...and then there were Piranha...and Bambi," Bob sputtered out quickly. The man was starting to make him nervous and he was getting a bad feeling about this.
"Whatcha got here Brian?" a man asked as he walked up to the man with the axe.
"Looks like we caught something here Theodore," the man named Brian smiled back.
"Did he say Bambi?" Ted asked.
"Why yes," Brian said and frowned, "I believe he did."
"Well we can't use his meat. It's tainted now," Ted said.
Bob was listening frantically to their conversation. Meat? They wanted to use him as meat? But one of them said the word 'tainted.' That meant, they didn't want him if his meat was tainted.
"Yes! Yes! I was with Bambi! We did everything. Twice!" Bob shouted out.
"Well now, that's a shame. You see, if you hadn't, I might've been inclined to give you a quick death and put you in the grinder. I'm afraid I can't even feed you to my pigs. But you know, Ted and I were just talking tonight about how we were getting tired of using the cows as bait," Brian said as he hoisted the axe above his head. "I think I have a better idea."
The final blow of the axe was the last thing Bob would ever see, his last thought being that he should have stayed in Jersey.
The End (well for Bob anyway)
And now for my fourth: jillapet requested her ex and his wife (Kurt and Angie) to be next on the menu in the cannibalverse. *whistles innocently*
"Karl! My feet hurt!"
"Shut it Angie!"
"But my feet huuuurrrtt," Angie whined.
"Well maybe if you'd buy a pair of shoes that you could actually walk in..."
"Well that's just dumb!" Angie said with a pout. "Why would anyone do that?"
"Look, how was I supposed to know we would hit that cow!" Kurt yelled.
"Why couldn't we stop to wait for help?"
"Cuz the only help we'd get around here was that numbnuts Ranger. Who writes a fucking ticket for too much carbon monoxide coming out of their tailpipes? And did you see how ballistic he went when you threw your litter on the ground. Fuck! A $1,000 ticket Angie! $1,000!!!! Stupid cow," he muttered.
"What did you call me Karl?"
"Oh fuck off! Where the fuck are we?"
"I think I saw a farmhouse up over there!"
"Yeah, you're right. I see it too. You know," Karl said, an evil smile crossing his lips, "this is the way most horror movies start..."
"Shut up Karl. You're scaring me!"
"Come on," he said as he dragged his wife with him. "Maybe they have a tow truck."
15 minutes later
"Hi, my name is Kurt and this is my wife, Angie. We hit a cow back there and need a tow and..."
"Say no more," the woman said as she looked at both the travelers. "I'll get Brian to help you. Do you...are your children with you?"
"Oh, no...no kids. Well, I do," Kurt said, "but they're with my ex-wife, you know how that is."
"Well, actually, no, I don't," the woman said. "I'm so sorry to hear that."
"Don't be," Kurt scoffed.
"Well you must miss them," she said sympathetically.
"Whatever. What is it they say about kids in a divorce? Great leverage," Kurt chuckled. "That's all they're good for."
"Is that what they say?" the woman said, her smile leaving her face quickly.
"You know, you shouldn't wear that color," Angie said, addressing the woman at the door. "It's not at all good for women, how shall I say? In the plus size category."
"Really? Well maybe you can help me figure out something to wear that will suit my ample figure. My name's Debbie. Come on in. I'm just about to put something on the stove, we can have you for dinner. I mean, over for dinner," Debbie said as she smiled once more.
"Oh goodie! I'm so hungry!" Angie bounced.
And after dinner:
"That was amazing! I am so stuffed!" Angie laughed.
"You will be," Debbie said under her breath. "Brian, honey, don't you have something you should be doing?"
"Yeah, I have to tend to the smokehouse," the man named Brian said, as he got up to leave the table.
And with that, Kurt and Angie watched as Brian walked out the door.
"I'm so sleepy," Angie yawned.
"Yeah," Kurt said, "me too. It's like after I eat one of your crappy Thanksgiving turkeys."
And with that, both people passed out.
"Brian! Come back in! They're ready for ya!" Debbie yelled. She looked down at the bodies. "Call me fat you stupid cow," Debbie said as she kicked Angie. "And you," she said while pointing a wagging finger at Kurt's prone body. "Children are not leverage, stupid piece of meat," she said and kicked the body once again. "Brian! Get your ass in here!"
Later that night:
"Brian! Oh my God! What happened to the smokehouse? It's on fire!" Debbie yelled as she stood in her bathrobe looking at the flame-engulfed building.
"I can see the fucking smokehouse is on fire Debbie! I'm not fucking blind!" Brian mocked.
"What the fuck happened?"
"Well, first I decapitated Angie on the block. Man," Brian laughed, "that was funny. She actually tried to get me to save her by coming on to me." Brian laughed again. "Told her she was barking up the wrong tree."
"Yeah, so, what then," Debbie sighed.
"So then I chopped off her head and then it was Kurt's turn." Brian laughed, "when he figured out what I meant by barking up the wrong tree, he also came on to me."
Debbie raised one eyebrow.
"Oh God! It was so pathetic. Don't worry. I killed him. Another blow with the axe. Whack! So I strung them up, set up the coals under each one and..."
"Yes, Brian, I'm waiting..."
"Well...it seems ole Kurt had a bit of a drinking problem. He must've been near 90 proof. He just went up, just like that," Brian said as he snapped his fingers. "I tried putting him out, it just made the flames worse. We'll just have to let it burn out."
"Damn!" Debbie pouted.
"Don't worry. The smokehouse was clear. There wasn't anything in it. I'll just build another one tomorrow," Brian shrugged.
"That's not it. Perfectly good piece of marinated meat, and it's gone. I do so love a steak that's been soaked in a good whiskey for so long. What a waste. We could've roasted him on a spit or something."
Debbie and Brian sighed as they watched as the flames engulfed the smokehouse.