Of course, when he got to working on my lower back and that whole area, I was definitely not asleep. That was pretty painful and at one point, I was in this ridiculous pretzel position and I feel as if that area is all bruised (ouch!) But I know the long term effects will be worth it.
So, as I was saying before, I've written a few gnome ficlets, fics based on the gnome sighting in Argentina:
I was talking to liriel1810 about who I could possibly, from the LotR cast, put in a fic with the gnome. BTW, she made my little naked gnome icon.
We decided Sean Astin was the best candidate. Andy Serkis came up but he's not such a bad guy - then again, neither is Sean Astin, but I've heard talk that he brings up some of his cast mates in his book There and Back Again and not in a favorable light. I'm not sure about this, because I haven't read the book so I can't say it's true.
But this is just for fun and not meant to be mean and if the whole thing is true (about him being pissy in the book), then this could be taken as being mean. LOL!
Title: My Time in Argentina: a missing excerpt from my book, There and Back Again: An Actor's Tale
Pairing: gnome/Sean Astin
Summary: An accounting of the terrible events in Argentina when Sean Astin decides to check out the sighting of a gnome terrorizing a village.
Disclaimer: This is not true. There was no excerpt such as this from the book. Sean Astin was probably never in Argentina and if he was, he would probably be looking at the sights, not small men in pointy hats and he would have his wife with him. I can not claim the gnome does not exist because there is video proof (*snerk*) and I can not claim that the reasons he walks sideways is because of the reason I give in my story.
There comes a time in one's life when an actor journeys far and wide for his inspiration. It was during a break in filming that I decided to go check into this 'gnome' story in Argentina.
Because I wanted to find out first hand, as long as the story was accurate, about why truly short people walk so funny. We, as in me, Lijah, Billy and Dommie, when in hobbit gear, walked as most normal people do.
But we weren't playing normal people.
We were playing hobbits.
So, being the only true professional out of the four of us, and not as some say, because I was not invited on the snowboarding excursion the three of them and Orlando were to embark on, I decided my trek to Argentina was called for.
Once there, I discovered the small village of the dreaded gnome sighting. The entire hamlet was quite tight lipped about the tiny harbinger of doom.
I persevered because, well, that's the way I am.
Not like all the other self-important actors out there, who shall be nameless, flaunting their experience, their ability to come into a movie half way through and pick up where other people left off, or who graduate from drama school and just because they're incredibly beautiful and graceful, are able to get the role of a lifetime.
Having ascertained where the gnome had been spotted every night, I set my tent in that particular field, despite the warnings of all the good townspeople.
That night, I had set my sleeping bag out, to commune with the stars.
Despite what certain actors might say about my not being attune with nature, I prove them wrong yet again as I lie here.
I am sorry. I digress once again. This account should not be about sour grapes.
It was roughly two hours later that I heard the bushes in front of me rustling. I noticed something emerged from the shrubbery.
Once I was able to determine that it was most certainly not a woodland animal or a vision, I became very still.
The thing that appeared before my own two eyes was indeed a small person! A person approximately two feet tall. And it was without a doubt, wearing a pointy hat.
As I live and breathe, I would never forget the terror that surged through my very being as I took in the tiny creature. People have guffawed, myself included, at how a town could live in abject horror of such a little thing, but as God as my witness, I now understand.
It was small and ugly and moved in a strange way. Not at all unlike Andy when he was perfecting the Gollum moves. It not only walked sideways, but it would also pause at each step. It was then that I noticed as the thing got closer and closer to me, and let me tell you wonderful reader, oh how my heart was thumping at that moment, was that one leg was thicker than the other by a factor of two.
That would explain the strange, loping gait.
The thing, not one bit scared of me as much as I was of it, walked right up to me.
It was then that I believed everything the townspeople of this town had said about how eerie an encounter with it would be.
My tiny companion tried to converse with me in a very strange and foreign language.
Now reader, you might be saying, 'well, duh, you're in Argentina.' And you would be correct, but I do believe this was no language known to man.
I could not understand it enough to confer with it, but it was making its feelings of being spied on quite known. It was pulling at its dirty brown trousers and exposed itself to me.
No wonder the one leg had seemed out of proportion to the other one. He was three-legged!
But then getting a closer look, I noticed he was not merely three-legged, for it was his penis that was the third appendage, giving the appearance of three legs.
I had never seen such a thing.
I was yet again trying to communicate with it, asking about its strange proportions when it immediately jumped atop of me!
Now I have to stop here and tell you that I was a bit shocked! This supposedly mythical creature was now in my personal space and to top it all off, naked from the waist down.
My humiliation at the hands of this diabolical mini monster was complete when it took it's gargantuan extremity and put it in my mouth.
Yes dear reader.
In my mouth!
I was being violated in a way I hadn't been since my early fraternity days.
I was struggling, thrashing about as the beast pistoned its phallic organ inside my mouth, driving with all its might.
Why, I would never have even considered inflicting my beautiful wife to such degradation. Why was this fairy tale creature doing this to me?
The thing finished by ejaculating all over my face. And if that wasn't enough, it turned on its feet and presented me with its back end.
Yes, dear reader, it mooned me.
Then the demon spawn crafted from the bowels of hell, jumped off my abused body, pulled its dirty pants on making sure to put its monstrous member in one of the pant legs and hobbled off.
I was beyond stunned at this incident. I felt so wrong, so violated.
Why have I related this tale to you? What possible reason could I have to recount such an embarrassing and demeaning episode of my life?
I want to put to rest, once and for all, the vicious and ugly rumors that had surfaced over the 'incident' on my arrival back to New Zealand.
There were many angry insults thrown around and quite a few of the actors, who of course shall be nameless, had made some bodily threats regarding my advances toward Orlando.
But I apologize and wanted to show everyone what led up to what had happened between myself and the aforementioned young actor that night in his rented house's living room, after he had asked how my trip to Argentina had gone.
I was relating this very tale to him when I had decided it was just a much better idea to show him what exactly happened at the hands of my evil two foot tall attacker.
Mr. Bloom did not see it that way.
Once again, please READ THE DISCLAIMER ABOVE!!!!!
More gnome fic to come. Next one up will be in the Queer as Folk fandom. *smiles evilly*