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14 March 2008 @ 07:48 am
Gnome fic - first of several  
I got rolfed last night and it felt great! I actually can feel blood flowing to my feet! In fact, while he was working on my feet, I fell asleep - it felt that good!

Of course, when he got to working on my lower back and that whole area, I was definitely not asleep. That was pretty painful and at one point, I was in this ridiculous pretzel position and I feel as if that area is all bruised (ouch!) But I know the long term effects will be worth it.

So, as I was saying before, I've written a few gnome ficlets, fics based on the gnome sighting in Argentina:

I was talking to liriel1810 about who I could possibly, from the LotR cast, put in a fic with the gnome. BTW, she made my little naked gnome icon.

We decided Sean Astin was the best candidate. Andy Serkis came up but he's not such a bad guy - then again, neither is Sean Astin, but I've heard talk that he brings up some of his cast mates in his book There and Back Again and not in a favorable light. I'm not sure about this, because I haven't read the book so I can't say it's true.

But this is just for fun and not meant to be mean and if the whole thing is true (about him being pissy in the book), then this could be taken as being mean. LOL!

Title: My Time in Argentina: a missing excerpt from my book, There and Back Again: An Actor's Tale
Pairing: gnome/Sean Astin
Summary: An accounting of the terrible events in Argentina when Sean Astin decides to check out the sighting of a gnome terrorizing a village.

Disclaimer: This is not true. There was no excerpt such as this from the book. Sean Astin was probably never in Argentina and if he was, he would probably be looking at the sights, not small men in pointy hats and he would have his wife with him. I can not claim the gnome does not exist because there is video proof (*snerk*) and I can not claim that the reasons he walks sideways is because of the reason I give in my story.

There comes a time in one's life when an actor journeys far and wide for his inspiration. It was during a break in filming that I decided to go check into this 'gnome' story in Argentina.


Because I wanted to find out first hand, as long as the story was accurate, about why truly short people walk so funny. We, as in me, Lijah, Billy and Dommie, when in hobbit gear, walked as most normal people do.

But we weren't playing normal people.

We were playing hobbits.

So, being the only true professional out of the four of us, and not as some say, because I was not invited on the snowboarding excursion the three of them and Orlando were to embark on, I decided my trek to Argentina was called for.

Once there, I discovered the small village of the dreaded gnome sighting. The entire hamlet was quite tight lipped about the tiny harbinger of doom.

I persevered because, well, that's the way I am.

Not like all the other self-important actors out there, who shall be nameless, flaunting their experience, their ability to come into a movie half way through and pick up where other people left off, or who graduate from drama school and just because they're incredibly beautiful and graceful, are able to get the role of a lifetime.

Not me.

Having ascertained where the gnome had been spotted every night, I set my tent in that particular field, despite the warnings of all the good townspeople.

That night, I had set my sleeping bag out, to commune with the stars.

Despite what certain actors might say about my not being attune with nature, I prove them wrong yet again as I lie here.

I am sorry. I digress once again. This account should not be about sour grapes.

It was roughly two hours later that I heard the bushes in front of me rustling. I noticed something emerged from the shrubbery.

Once I was able to determine that it was most certainly not a woodland animal or a vision, I became very still.

The thing that appeared before my own two eyes was indeed a small person! A person approximately two feet tall. And it was without a doubt, wearing a pointy hat.

As I live and breathe, I would never forget the terror that surged through my very being as I took in the tiny creature. People have guffawed, myself included, at how a town could live in abject horror of such a little thing, but as God as my witness, I now understand.

It was small and ugly and moved in a strange way. Not at all unlike Andy when he was perfecting the Gollum moves. It not only walked sideways, but it would also pause at each step. It was then that I noticed as the thing got closer and closer to me, and let me tell you wonderful reader, oh how my heart was thumping at that moment, was that one leg was thicker than the other by a factor of two.

That would explain the strange, loping gait.

The thing, not one bit scared of me as much as I was of it, walked right up to me.

It was then that I believed everything the townspeople of this town had said about how eerie an encounter with it would be.

My tiny companion tried to converse with me in a very strange and foreign language.

Now reader, you might be saying, 'well, duh, you're in Argentina.' And you would be correct, but I do believe this was no language known to man.

I could not understand it enough to confer with it, but it was making its feelings of being spied on quite known. It was pulling at its dirty brown trousers and exposed itself to me.

No wonder the one leg had seemed out of proportion to the other one. He was three-legged!

But then getting a closer look, I noticed he was not merely three-legged, for it was his penis that was the third appendage, giving the appearance of three legs.

I had never seen such a thing.

I was yet again trying to communicate with it, asking about its strange proportions when it immediately jumped atop of me!

Now I have to stop here and tell you that I was a bit shocked! This supposedly mythical creature was now in my personal space and to top it all off, naked from the waist down.

My humiliation at the hands of this diabolical mini monster was complete when it took it's gargantuan extremity and put it in my mouth.

Yes dear reader.

In my mouth!

I was being violated in a way I hadn't been since my early fraternity days.

I was struggling, thrashing about as the beast pistoned its phallic organ inside my mouth, driving with all its might.

Why, I would never have even considered inflicting my beautiful wife to such degradation. Why was this fairy tale creature doing this to me?

The thing finished by ejaculating all over my face. And if that wasn't enough, it turned on its feet and presented me with its back end.

Yes, dear reader, it mooned me.

Then the demon spawn crafted from the bowels of hell, jumped off my abused body, pulled its dirty pants on making sure to put its monstrous member in one of the pant legs and hobbled off.

I was beyond stunned at this incident. I felt so wrong, so violated.

So dirty.

Why have I related this tale to you? What possible reason could I have to recount such an embarrassing and demeaning episode of my life?

I want to put to rest, once and for all, the vicious and ugly rumors that had surfaced over the 'incident' on my arrival back to New Zealand.

There were many angry insults thrown around and quite a few of the actors, who of course shall be nameless, had made some bodily threats regarding my advances toward Orlando.

But I apologize and wanted to show everyone what led up to what had happened between myself and the aforementioned young actor that night in his rented house's living room, after he had asked how my trip to Argentina had gone.

I was relating this very tale to him when I had decided it was just a much better idea to show him what exactly happened at the hands of my evil two foot tall attacker.

Mr. Bloom did not see it that way.


Once again, please READ THE DISCLAIMER ABOVE!!!!!

More gnome fic to come. Next one up will be in the Queer as Folk fandom. *smiles evilly*
Current Mood: goodgood
Jackiejackieville on March 14th, 2008 02:56 pm (UTC)
Brilliant! I love your imagination!!! *giggles*

*hugs you*
Maria: Orlando making facesslave_o_spike on March 14th, 2008 03:00 pm (UTC)
Wow! You're fast!

*hugs you back*

Thank you!
zortrana: Ewwwwzortrana on March 14th, 2008 04:24 pm (UTC)
You are brilliant! I knew there had to be a logical reason why the gnome walked sideways!
Maria: gnome - who's scaryslave_o_spike on March 15th, 2008 12:49 am (UTC)
That's the only reason I could come up with! LOL!

Thank you! :)
Doriantdorian on March 14th, 2008 08:28 pm (UTC)
Oh my God Maria you're are SO crazy !!!!! I've bursted out laughing in the train with everyone around looking at me like if i was crazy.And it wasn't a little giggle you know.It was a giant laughter the one that leaves you crying (always do that to me).Duh, that was good ! thank you.Aida
Maria: B/J ILUslave_o_spike on March 15th, 2008 12:57 am (UTC)
LOL! I'm imagining you on the train laughing out loud and everyone staring at you.

I don't know how many times that has happened to me when I think of something I wrote or when having read something funny!

You're welcome and thank you! :)
liriel1810 on March 14th, 2008 11:23 pm (UTC)

Brilliant! Just fucking brilliant! You've really captured Astin's pomposity and yes, his sour grapes. He has made a few sly digs about his co-stars... but that's just because no one wants to lust after Sam Gamgee, I'm sure. *g* (except maybe Frodo, but we won't go there cause just... ewwwwww)

This little excerpt totally had me snorting into my morning coffee!

And now... you are an evol, evol woman! I watched the first two episodes of QaF this morning (woke up at 6 am and refused to get out of bed that early on a Saturday). Brian is a self-centered, emotionally stunted jerk! I do hope he redeems himself, because really, Justin should run far and fast... or take up with Michael, who really needs to get laid. *g*

I love the queen... Emmett, I think, is it? He's gorgeous in an 'oh you poncy queen let me pinch your cheeks' kind of way.

Poor Ted, he's so repressed... he needs to accept who and what he is.

And can I say... Justin's first time? *melts from teh hot* I'm done now, stick a fork in me.
Maria: BJ Sex Take 2slave_o_spike on March 15th, 2008 01:03 am (UTC)
I personally think Frodo was lusting after Gandalf. *nods head* It was Sam that lasted after Frodo. LOL!

As if said before, I heard that he had made a few jabs at his co stars and seriously, I don't think that was okay.

Justin's first time - *brain melts*

Didn't you just die when Brian asked him, "so, what do like to do?" and sweet innocent Justin says, "watch tv, play Tomb Raider..."

And the rimming and Justin sweating and "we had this lecture in school about safe sex" and the toes curling.


Yes, Brian is all that. Had it not been for Justin coming along, this man would continue to be this way. The character of Brian grows during the 5 years which makes him one of the most interesting people to watch. Watching as his walls come up and he shuts people out is so heartbreaking. But what's the best is when Justin is able to break those down.

(This is so exciting! I have someone new to talk about the tv show with!!!)

When you say you watched the first 2 epis, was the second one the one that ends with Brian yelling at Justin or the one with them dancing at Babylon (Let's hear it for the boy plays at the end and this episode is usually refered to as 103).
liriel1810 on March 15th, 2008 01:14 am (UTC)
I agree... very unprofessional to take jabs at co-stars, I don't care if they're the biggest twats that ever walked the earth. You slag them off it just makes YOU look rather sad and pathetic.

The end of the second episode I watched was where Brian tells Justin he was 'just a fuck' and Justin is visible upset, gets in his car and drives away.

I totally giggled at a lot of Justin's answers to Brian's questions... I'm sure Brian knew he was a virgin when he picked him up.

I want to rip Brian's dick off and beat him with it. He's such a social retard! He'd better get nicer, otherwise I'll have to send him to the cannibal island in DMC! lol

I'm guessing the dancing one will be the next episode... which I hope to watch tonight.
Chaos..panic..disorder...my work here is done.: Jack-Why is rum gone?jillapet on March 14th, 2008 11:25 pm (UTC)

Couldn't have happened to a nicer person...i heard Astin was a dick!
Maria: Justin's Babyslave_o_spike on March 15th, 2008 01:05 am (UTC)
So did I. I just hope I'm right. I'd hate to have written him as a dick and I was wrong! LOL!

Thanks Pet! *smooches*

(next - our gnome meets Monkey Mikey...or does it?)
critic75critic75 on March 15th, 2008 05:17 am (UTC)
Oh God! Can't wait to read your next epic if it has monkey Mikey in it. I loved this one, and the personality of Sean shone through.

I started viewing QAF with Season two, so there was always a love for Brian and his vulnerabilities. Then I watched Season one, which explained everything, and increased the hotness factor.
I have heard that most people did not like Brian at first because he seemed heartless and cruel, but changed their minds later on, as Gale portrayed a wounded soul. I actually would recommend that newbies start with two, and then view the first.
Maria: B/J ILUslave_o_spike on March 15th, 2008 05:25 am (UTC)
That's the thing, they didn't like him first and then changed their minds. I think she'll hang in there for S2.

I'm a purist. I like to start from the beginning and work my way from there. The problem was, like with Buffy, I started with S4 and then 5 and worked back to 1. There are times I wished I started from the beginning. LOL!

I'm working on monkey Mikey right now! I got Sean? Woo Hoo! I didn't want to be too mean, but I just heard stories about his personality and his book. Thanks JJ!!!