Maria (slave_o_spike) wrote,

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Fic Update AtS RPS JM/DB Chap 6 My Life as a Gopher

Hey everyone. So here's the next chapter of the adventures of Phil. I was inspired in part by inkingwords by her icon.

So here we go....

Title: My Life as a Gopher
Chapter: 6
Pairing: Jimmy/Davey
Warnings: None really. Oh...oh! RPS!
Disclaimers: I do not own ME, Joss, the boys, Clint Eastwood, Lee Van Cleef, Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray, the Miracles, Spaghetti Westerns as a whole - let's see, did I leave anything out? Oh, I do NOT know where there are any WMDs. I am not Spartacus.

Song is "Love Machine" by The Miracles.

"I, I, I'm just a love machine
And I won't work for nobody but you
I, I, I'm just a love machine
A hugging kissing fiend

la la la la la la la la la LA la"


"I think it's high time you knew


Oops. I was singing out loud again. But damn - pardon my french - I thought I was alone. Not only was I not alone, but the whole cast was standing there, including...

"Hey Phil."


I ran up to Chris and he gave me a big bear hug because that's the kind of guy he is.

"Hey buddy, is Uncle Joss here doing okay by ya?"

I looked over at Uncle Joss who was turning really red.

I need to take a moment to tell you about Chris. Chris has always been a good friend to me. He may play the nasty lawyer Lindsay, but really he's a great guy. He would always invite me over to his house or he would come to mine and momma's (he always treated momma with respect because he always said a boy has to be good to his momma) and we would watch all the old classic comedies - you know, the ones from the 80's with people like Dan Aykroyd and Bill Murray before they sold out to Hollywood and became "serious" actors. I remember one night watching our favorite movie together for the fifth time. It was Ghostbusters. Chris and me would compete with each other to see who could say the lines before the other could.

I think my favorite line in that movie is when they're being attacked by the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man and Bill Murray says, "We've been going about this all wrong. This Mr. Stay Puft is okay. He's a sailor, he's in New York. We get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble."

See? Even Bill Murray gets it. He was willing to get the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man laid. How hard would it be for someone to help me - I would certainly be alot easier to get a date for than a 100 foot tall marshmallow man.

I looked over at Uncle Joss.

"Why can't you be more like Bill Murray?"

Uncle Joss looks at me. "Bill Murray? WHAT THE FUCK?! SHIT?! WHAT...Bill? What the fuck are you talking about? Wait. No! I don't wanna know."

"He knows what a man needs. So do you. I know you're getting some and I'm not and I just wish you me....get know. Never mind."

Everyone starts chuckling and then Chris looks over at Joss who has this real weird look on his face. Whenever I have that look on my face, momma gets the Pepto Bismal.

"See Joss. He knows what a man needs cuz if a man doesn't get that need met," and while Chris was saying this he was making a motion with his closed fist next to his crotch and believe me when I tell you, I know this motion very well, "it could just fall," and he makes this popping sound with his lips, "off from non-use."

God, I hope that's not true.

It must not be because everyone starts laughing. Even Mister Boreanaz is pushed up into the corner doubling over laughing.

"Thank you Chris, for that public service announcement. Now, back to the other thing. What have I told you about not singing in public?"

"You said I couldn't sing while I was wearing my MP3 player, but I wasn't wearing it. I heard the song before and I was just singing it Uncle Joss."

Uncle Joss looks up at me and gets that look again. Oops, I broke another one of his rules: Thou shalt not call him Uncle Joss in front of the cast or crew.

"Don't call me that in front of," he starts jerking his head back and forth in the direction of Mister Boreanaz, Andy, J, Alexis, Chris and Jimmy, "them." He says this last word real quiet like.

Mister Boreanaz then steps out of the corner and puts his arm around Uncle Joss.

"Shit Joss, get over it. Who exactly are you fucking kidding? The kid's your freakin' clone for God's sake."

Everyone starts laughing again.

Okay now I know I can be slow sometimes. And I know that people make fun of me sometimes cuz of it. But now Mister Boreanaz just hurt my feelings. I'm not a clown. I was never a clown. And besides that -

I hate clowns.

"I'm not a clown!"

Mister Boreanaz looks at me really strange-like. I sure wish I had that bottle of Pepto Bismal right now. I suddenly feel like Clint Eastwood against Lee Van Cleef in The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. It was a showdown.

Suddenly Mister Boreanaz gets this sad look on his face. "I'm sorry, Phil. I didn't say clown - I said clone."


"Clone! Clone! You know..."

Just then, Chris interrupted him. "Like the Stormtroopers Phil."


"Oooh! Okay then."

All of a sudden Jimmy looks at all of us and crosses his arms across his chest. "Clones! Huh! I hate when Hollywood uses such a ridiculous cop-out as clones in their story-line. Well, I for one, plan to never be part of such a shameless plot device."

He looks so much like Spike when he says things like that.

It was quitting time when I noticed Mister Boreanaz grab Jimmy and haul him into the janitor's closet.

I'm a gopher. I'm supposed to get these things for them. Of course, for the life of me, I can't figure out what they would need a mop for. There's people who do things like that for them.

All of a sudden I hear alot of noise in the closet and things banging around.

I wonder if they found the light switch? About 10 minutes later, Mister Boreanaz steps out of the closet with a big smile on his face while doing a little dance and straightening his tie.

"I, I, I'm just a love machine
And I won't work for nobody but you
I, I, I'm just a love machine
A hugging kissing fiend

La la la la la la la la LA la..."

Uncle Joss was right about one thing - Mister Boreanaz can't sing for shit.


Feedback is welcome.

Poll question:

Should Phil get his own journal? Just asking what you think - you know, he could comment and stuff with his own brand of witty repartie (and momma's wisdom of course).
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