Yep, the muse is back Baby! (Little in-joke there...)
I would first like to give a huge Thank You to the lovely critic75 who beta'd this chapter over for me. *hugs you again*
I would also like to dedicate this chapter to tdorian for her birthday cuz this is her favorite story out there. LOL! *hugs you and spanks you*
Without further adieu:
Title: Ma, Can I keep him?
Pairing: B/J, implied E/J; also possibly, inter-species pairing (Hey, we're still not sure of Mikey's parentage)
Warnings: It is afterall a cannibal fic. Nothing squicky, just allusions to things that might make people uncomfortable. The word 'eviscerate' is used quite a bit.
Disclaimers: I don't own Cowlip or the boys but I believe in the existence of Bigfoot.
Summary: This is crack!fic. It is a cannibal crack!fic. It is tongue-in-cheek black humor. This is the warning within the summary. Debbie is the Sweeney Todd type living in some backwater town (not too far from Pittsburgh) with her mentally disturbed son, Mikey (yes, I stuck to canon) and adopted son, Brian. Justin and Ethan are passing through.
Previous chapters can be found in my memories, here. If you have trouble accessing them there, just use the memories found on my user info page.
There is a little known Physics law that most people of a higher brain function are aware of.
It doesn't reside in any of the textbooks and it isn't taught in any of the science curriculum but it exists all the same.
It's the Law of the Other Shoe. And Brian knew this law as well as most people similarly inclined.
As Brian leaned against the tree, he pondered on the past few month's events, a satisfied smile besmirched his face.
Everything was going perfectly.
Life was good. He had Justin, a beautiful, intelligent boy who made him feel that certain something deep within himself that all the poets described in great detail in sonnets. He could keep on denying it, but he wouldn't anymore.
Not only that, but he finally had the lesbians off his back with their incessant demands for his sperm.
And here he was, eyeing a car parked out in the middle of nowhere. He knew the car was from Pittsburgh as the bumper sticker proclaimed MY SON IS AN HONOR STUDENT AT PITTSBURGH JR HIGH.
Brian had to laugh at that. He wondered if his son would soon get a bumper sticker that declared MY FATHER IS PART OF A NUTRITIONAL BREAKFAST.
Even Brian could see from his vantage point how steamy the windows had become. A man didn't make out with his wife out in the middle of nowhere like that.
There could only be one reason why someone would drive out to bumfuck county USA just to park their car and relive their youth.
This would be easy pickings.
Yes, life was quite good at that moment.
Which is why Brian recalled that little known law of physics.
That exact moment in time when the other shoe would drop.
Because drop it will, he was sure of that.
It always did.
Nothing could ever go too well for too long before the universe came along and decided to fuck it all up again.
The universe was a fickle bitch in that way.
It wouldn't be too long before Brian knew his happy little world would come crumbling down around him and that shoe would come along and smack him right upside the head and then kick him a couple of times in the ribs for good measure.
But for right now, he had a car of adulterers to take back to the barn and then a tasty blond to fuck when he got back. If he was lucky, the drugs would have worn off by the time he got back to his bedroom.
As Brian encroached on the vehicle, voices could be heard from within.
"We shouldn't be here," one of the deep voices admitted breathlessly.
"But I really wanted to see you," the voice pleaded back.
Oh ho! Now this was interesting!
Because, just as the first voice was unmistakably male, so was the second!
"You know this is a bad time and all...with the coming election..."
Brian rolled his eyes as he heard more moaning and groaning.
"Oh yeah. Baby, just like that. Yeah..."
Baby? Brian furrowed his brows. Who the fuck said 'Baby' anymore?
Well, except for Emmett.
Once again he heard heavy breathing and what sounded like someone coming up for air.
"Could you please not call me 'baby.' I'm the father of two, and a businessman for fucks sake."
"Aw don't kill the mood, baby."
"Fuck!" Then another desperate moan could be heard.
Now that Brian could make out the voices better, he knew they were both older males. Suddenly the sound of a man reaching orgasm drew him closer to the car.
"Who's daddy's little whore? Huh?" Kissing sounds were emanating from the car.
"Please, I'm the father of two, also, and my standing in the community is higher than yours. Could you not degrade me that way?"
Brian laughed as he realized he had two older closet queers in the car, and they were having extremely bad sex.
Fuck! What was the point of being a fag if you couldn't even enjoy the sex?!
Unless you were Ted.
Grabbing his shotgun and cocking it, he opened the driver's side door quickly. One of the men spilled out onto the ground. Brian aimed the business end of the gun straight into the face of the man on the ground.
"Well, now, what do we have here?" Brian bent over and looked into the car. "Out of the car...wait...which one are you? Daddy's little whore, or baby?"
As the man in the car slipped across the seat and into the night air, the man below Brian's feet yelled out.
"You don't know who you're messing with!" he shouted indignantly as he stood up, his hands held high in the air.
"Oh, you're right," Brian said as he feigned being scared. "Oh my, what am I ever going to do? I'm so scared. Oh, that's right. I have the gun, I get to say what we do. Now come on," he said, as he pulled the two men in front of him. Brian quickly frisked both men, finding an 9mm firearm in a holster under the man's coat.
"Okay, I stand corrected. You have a gun too," Brian said, as he waved the automatic weapon in front of the man's face. "But I was quicker," he taunted, as he smiled and leaned over. "You a cop? Now, you have to answer truthfully if I ask you."
"That's only if I'm a John, you idiot," the man responded.
"That would be highly," Brian said, as he leaned in closer and got into the man's face, "unlikely. You a cop too?" Brian asked of the other man.
"Do I look like one?" the man said, as he snarked back.
"Well, yeah, a little," Brian conceded. There was something oddly familiar about the way the man had replied.
Brian turned the men around and started to march them in the direction of the barn.
"Do something!" the non-cop whispered to his lover. "You're trained for this sort of thing."
"I was a shit cop. I'm not trained for this!"
Brian smiled as he listened to the lover's quarrel.
An easy catch, and it wasn't too late.
Life was very good.
It wouldn't be long before everything was fucked.
Justin awoke from a strange dream, a fine sheen of sweat clinging to his damp skin. It was a strange dream, where Daphne was holding cheese, and asking about floor picnics.
If he was into interpreting dreams, he would probably assume his unconscious self was feeling guilty for not contacting his best friend, and letting her know he was indeed okay.
With that in mind, Justin grabbed Brian's cell phone and dialed his ex-roommate.
Wait. Why did he call her his ex-roommate?
The phone rang two times before being picked up by his high school friend.
"Daphne? It's me..."
"Justin? Justin? Omigod! Is that you?!"
"Yeah, it's me," Justin replied sheepishly.
"Where the fuck have you been?" Daphne scolded. Justin could almost see her hand on her hip, and her infamous pout as she pursed her lips.
"I'm okay. I was in a little accident. My bike..."
"Are you okay? Do you have amnesia? Are you in the hospital? Do you still have all your limbs?" Daphne shot off in quick succession.
"One at a time Daph! Shit. I'm okay. I was taken in by a nice family. I'm okay."
"Omigod! Did you hear about Chris Hobbs? He's like totally been missing!" Daphne gleefully squealed into the phone.
"Oh yeah?" Justin asked in surprise. "Well I don't really watch the news here that much...you see, I met this guy. His name is Brian Kinney..."
Debbie circled the cages as she entered the barn with Mikey. "So what did Brian catch out there tonight, huh?" she singsonged.
She looked into one of the cages and stopped dead in her tracks.
"Holy Shit ! Brian! Do you know who this is?" Debbie shrieked, as she approached the cage.
"Yeah, a queer with absolutely no taste in clothes. I mean, really," Brian taunted, as he leered into the cage of the cop. "Nice suit, C&R?" Brian mocked as he looked the older man over.
"Brian!" Debbie shouted, as she slapped Brian upside the head. "I wish you would put your pecker away for just one minute, and watch the news every once in a while. This," Debbie pointed at the cop, "is the guy who's running for mayor in Pittsburgh. Mr. James Stockwell, Chief of Police, and now hoping to be the new Hitler."
Images flashed through Brian's memory as he recalled Debbie yelling about the homophobic mayoral candidate and what it would mean for gay rights in the city. It was also, at that moment, Brian noticed Ethan coming out of a drug-induced sleep in the next cage over.
"Yeah, the homophobic prick, who wants nothing better to do than see every gay man put in concentration camps, numbers stamped on their ass," Debbie spat.
"Really, concentration camps? That is going a bit far isn't it? Although that number stamping is a capital idea," the Police Chief said sarcastically.
"That's funny, considering this guy over here," Brian said as he pointed to the other man, "was going down on him," pointing once more to Jim Stockwell.
"Oh really?" Debbie smiled. "Well isn't that just cozy. Little hypocritical prick..."
Mikey started to poke at Stockwell.
"Get away from me, you damn, dirty ape!" he sneered in disgust.
"What is it about people getting into these cages and thinking they're Charleton Heston?" Brian mocked. "Okay Mikey. Stop teasing the animals."
Just then everyone turned as they heard groaning in the next cell.
"Fuck, what drug did you give me this time,?" Ethan mouthed around a yawn as he looked at his new cellmates. He then blinked his eyes several times to look at the men again.
One of the men looked over at Ethan. "What in the hell are you doing here?"
Ethan blinked again. "Mr Taylor?"
"Daphne, could you repeat that again?" Justin asked, when he heard a name that conjured forth images and memories that swirled around his head.
"Justin! Where's Ethan? Is he with you?"
Somewhere in the universe, a shoe was dropping.
And it was crushing Brian's skull.
Come on, if you've read my stuff, you know this line...