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16 May 2006 @ 10:03 pm
QaF Fic Brian/Justin  
Here's something for the Queer as Folk people on my f-list (both of you):

Title: Hamsters and Popsicle Porn
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: Set mid to late Season One
Rating: PG-ish
Warnings: There are none. There is nothing sick or twisted done with hamsters or any other kind of rodent. So...get your minds out of the gutter.

Disclaimers: I do not own Cowlip or the boys however I have been known to remove the tags off of mattresses.

Summary: Ted, Mikey and Emmett learn a few things about Brian and Justin when helping Brian download some files for him off his computer. As usual, Mikey is a little slow on the up-take.

"Just click that icon right there..."

"This one?" Teddy asked of Michael.

"Yeah, that one. Brian said to make sure the file downloaded completely before bringing it to him," Michael said.

"Hey, what's behind this icon?" Teddy inquired.

"Oh, I don't know Teddy," Emmett said while putting a hand to his chest, "you shouldn't go messing around in Brian's private files."

"Hey, we came all the way over here to help get some files off his computer for his client, I think we're entitled to know what's behind this icon labeled 'JT,'" Ted said while waving at the screen, "don't you Emmett?"

"Well that depends."

"On what?"

"If the 'JT' stands for one Justin Taylor. Do you want to handle the repercussions if we accidentally open the file to some very, no doubt, tantalizing Justin and Brian porn," Emmett said with his hand on his hip looking directly at Ted. Emmett quickly took a seat next to Ted. "Oh yeah - the repercussions are definitely worth it. Open the file Teddy."

"Wait! Wait! Wait," Michael exclaimed. "I don't think I really want to see some kiddie porn..."

"Michael," Emmett intervened, "he's seventeen. It's not kiddie porn."

"Well, I just don't want to see it. Besides, Boy Wonder isn't important enough to Brian for Brian to have a whole file devoted to him anyway, so JT is probably just some client file," Michael said trying to sound more confident than he looked. "Yeah, that's it."

Ted looked over at his good friend. The hamster that was turning the wheel inside of Mikey's head regarding Brian must be some fat, out-of-shape rodent who can barely spin the wheel.

"Well Mikey, if it is just some client, then no big deal," Emmett reasoned, "if Justin is really as unimportant as you say. So... let's just hit the button..."

"No!" Michael screamed.

"Oops! Did I do that? Hey what is all this?" Emmett asked. He started reading the screen more closely. "What is this? 'Justin sleeping?'" Emmett clicked on the icon. "Oh dear Lord! That's just what it is - Justin sleeping!"

"What?!" Michael quickly came around to look at the screen too. "What is this? This is lame. Brian didn't take this! That stupid twink took a movie of himself sleeping - no doubt to see if he drooled in his sleep or something," Michael said while smirking and crossing his arms across his chest.

"No honey. Look," Emmett said while pointing to the screen. "Look, there's Brian's hand. He was brushing hair out of Justin's face. See, there's his cowry shell bracelet. Let's see what else there is. Oh - here's one - 'Justin doing calculus!'"

Justin's pleading voice comes over the screen. ""Brian come help me with this. I don't get this part.""

Now Brian's seductive tone can be heard. ""You know, you shouldn't be biting your pencil like that. You know what that does.""

""God! You're such a perv!"" They watch as Justin slams his pencil down and pouts while crossing his arms over his chest. ""Calculus is just stupid.""

"I have to agree. I've had to make mathematics my career and at no time have I had to use calculus," Ted interjected.

"Shhh Teddy," Emmett scolded.

""You could have stayed at Debbie's and had done your homework there. I'm sure Mikey would have been by. He could have helped you with this,"" came Brian's voice again.

Justin stares back at the camera. ""Please, Brian. Don't you still have to use flashcards with him?""

Mikey looked at the screen ready to pop a blood vessel. "Don't worry. Brian'll stick up for me."

Brian's laughter could be heard. A hand can be seen snaking out and he then starts to tickle Justin. At this point the movie goes blank.

"This is so lame," Michael started to rant. "Why would he have any of these stupid files? Look, 'Justin in his school uniform.' 'Justin brushing his teeth.' 'Justin drinking milk.' 'Justin watching cartoons.' Lame! Lame! Lame!"

"Mikey, honey," Emmett cooed, "tantrums don't become you."

Teddy then realized that the hamster must now be on vacation. He went on a cruise with Kathy Lee Gifford and is doing the lambada while drinking over-priced margaritas. He's been gone for so long he had called the Post Office to stop his mail and had a buddy put slip-covers on all the furniture.

"Oh, oh what's this one? Ooh, this looks good. Click on that one Teddy," Emmett stated over Ted's shoulder.

Ted read the icon. 'Justin eats a popsicle.' Ted can't help but smirk at that one and clicks on it right away.

The movie opens up to Justin doing just that - eating a popsicle while reading a textbook. Licking it. Wrapping his tongue around the icy, cold frozen treat. Pushing it deeper in....

Ted blinked at the screen. "Uh, is it just me or is it getting warmer in here?" All three men shift slightly and rearrange their pants.

"Oh Lord!" Emmett jumped up. "He's pushing it all the way in!"

"Is that...is that a bomb-pop?" Michael asked.

"He's gonna get a major brain freeze," Ted interjected. "Oh, too late."

All three wince at the screen as Justin puts his hand to his temple. Brian's chuckle can be heard on the screen.

""That's not funny, Brian."" Justin is looking at the camera with a very put-upon expression.

""I'm sorry. Come here and I'll make it all better and just for the record, think about this little episode before you try frozen-confection-fellatio again."" Justin gets up to walk closer to the camera as the movie ends.

Ted, Emmett and Michael all stare at the screen. Brian's voice carried neither humor nor a hint of sarcasm....only genuine concern.

"Well, fellow voyeurs," Emmett drawled, "there's lots more. Wherever shall we go next."

Ted started to feel a bit uncomfortable. "Maybe we shouldn't look at anymore of these. I think they're just, maybe...I mean...not that I...what is to say..."

"Teddy, Teddy? You're right hon. We should just get the information we came for and leave," Emmett stated.

"This is just dumb! Lame and dumb. What does he even see in that stupid twink?! He's just...so what...he's got stupid hair and his ass is like this big," he screamed as he held his arms out like he's ready to do jumping-jacks.

"I think his ass is just fine, Michael," Emmett said while trying to calm Mikey down. Ted nods his head furiously.

Ted looks over at his friend. "Michael?! You can't deny it anymore - there is something there between the two of them. Do the math! Or do you need those flashcards?" Ted said with a smirk.

"Shut up Ted. You guys don't know anything. I've been Brian's best friend for sixteen years. He's just biding his time until he can drop the kid - you know, the way a predator plays with their food before they eat them," Michael said with a nod of his head.

Emmett and Ted stare at their erstwhile friend.

Ted realizes something then. Michael's hamster is neither fat and out-of-shape nor is it on vacation.

The hamster is dead.

Feedback is welcome.

PETA disclaimer: There were no hamsters harmed in the writing of this fic.
Current Mood: draineddrained
lucinda428lucinda428 on May 17th, 2006 10:14 am (UTC)
Ted and Emmett woke up to it early. If only Cowlip had. I fear they went on regarding Mikey as the emotionally wise centre of their show. Eek.

Love the B/J interplay, though in reality Brian would never have such a folder unencrypted on his computer, in case Justin found it. Can you imagine the volume of the "you so love me"s? Great schmoop.
Maria: Justin condomslave_o_spike on May 17th, 2006 04:55 pm (UTC)
If only Cowlip had. I fear they went on regarding Mikey as the emotionally wise centre of their show. Eek.

Actually I believe Mikey's hamster and Cowlip's hamsters all got together reguarly and did alot of mutual masturbation.

Love the B/J interplay, though in reality Brian would never have such a folder unencrypted on his computer, in case Justin found it. Can you imagine the volume of the "you so love me"s? Great schmoop.

Yeah, I know. I was trying to think of another word for 'Sunshine' that would fit but I thought that might look too obvious also. Besides, Brian still didn't refer to Justin at this point by Deb's nickname. Also, Justin would have to know Brian was following him around with a digital camera.

Thanks for reading!
(Deleted comment)
Maria: Southpark Justin Posse Justinslave_o_spike on May 24th, 2006 11:15 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I actually love Ted! I thought he was a great foil to Brian.

Glad you liked. It inadvertently came out sweet. (Now I'm thinking maybe I should do a set of drabbles based on what was in that file....)
SATURNsaturn0432 on June 5th, 2006 08:03 am (UTC)
"Is that...is that a bomb pop?" oh my god! Poor little sunshine got a brain freeze. The video's were a nice touch I never thought of that before. I love it when the guys especially Mikey get to see just a snippet of the inner workings of Brian and Justin. They are always so surprised and yet completely at ease. Does that make sense? However the same can't be said for Mikey, I'll have to agree with you/Teddy on the fact that the hamster is most definitely dead......SATURN
Maria: BJ Guh Showerslave_o_spike on June 5th, 2006 08:09 am (UTC)
I wonder how many people knew what an actual bomb pop is. I always loved the fics that had Brian and Justin making a video of their *ahem* love and then the gang accidentally finding it. But I also wanted the gang to see other aspects of the B/J relationship - the stuff Brian didn't want anyone to see.

And now my hubby has been using the whole "The hamster is dead" line while we've been watching S5 everytime Mikey comes on and does something stupid (more specifically in-denial).
SATURNsaturn0432 on June 5th, 2006 08:20 am (UTC)
Boy he must be referencing that line that line a whole hell of a lot. It seemed to me that He would get grow a little bit just to slide right back into that same old stupidity he has. I mean take the last episode as pure evidence. That right there shows he learned nothing over the five years they were on.

Oh yeah I got the bomb pop, I love those things......SATURN
Maria: My Fandom has chainsawsslave_o_spike on June 5th, 2006 08:30 am (UTC)
Do not get me started on the last episode. Oh God. Why do you think I turned Cowlip into sausages? It was so wrong.

My 14-year old daughter came into the room at the last bit and asked where Justin was. I said New York. She asked why Justin went there. My husband replied that the writers sent him there.

LOL! There was never a truer statement. Dan and Ron and Shawn can all go get stuffed (preferably in sausage casings) for all I care - my hubby and I said that was the worst episode of all time. And did anyone really believe that Mikey actually grow up?! That was rhetorical.
SATURNsaturn0432 on June 5th, 2006 08:37 am (UTC)
I completely agree with you on every point. I know I shouldn't get started on the last episode either because I will go into a serious rant that will go on forever. But in real short form. It was complete and utter bullshit that made absolutely no sense. I'm telling you they should've fired themselves after season two to save themselves from their own stupidity. But instead they made us suffer through it. I mean seriously what kind of writer goes out of there way to bring there audience up s o high just to literally throw them off the Empire State Building? Now I could go on but it wouldn't be fair to you so I'll just stop there. Oh yes sorry to have brought up what I know to be a very bad memory....SATURN
Maria: Clapping Tiggerslave_o_spike on June 5th, 2006 08:49 am (UTC)
Well, my last word on the subject (then I gotta get to bed - I was up waiting for my laundry to dry so I can fold it) - they didn't have to give us a fucking wedding. They doomed the relationship to fail when they did that. All they had to do was show them starting to have a real partnership. And, oh yeah, keep Justin in the last scene with the rest of the cast at the end. That was just so fucked. Shawn Postoff wanted to show us reality? Well fuck reality! Don't we get enough of it as it is. Just give us something happy to go out with.

At least there's always fan fiction and I gotta love epicallytired and plumsuede who give us canon B/J post season 5 but TOGETHER!

Shit, where's cannibal!Brian and his sausage casings when you need him?
SATURNsaturn0432 on June 5th, 2006 09:11 am (UTC)
Believe it or not I was waiting for the same thing my towel's however I don't think I am going to get to the whole folding part I took a lot of pills tonight to ensure a good nights sleep and I am just falling asleep right here in my computer chair.

However I can say that you have just read my mind and feelings on the last episode. I couldn't believe how they managed to royally fuck it up with only ten to fifteen minutes left. It amazes me to no end. This has been fun thanks for playing tag with me. We'll have to do it again sometime. Hope you sleep well. Night......SATURN
Xie: Dirty Girlsxie_xie_xie on June 13th, 2006 06:03 am (UTC)

He's just biding his time until he can drop the kid - you know, the way a predator plays with their food before they eat them

I screamed.

Maria: Justin gets caughtslave_o_spike on June 13th, 2006 02:47 pm (UTC)
First - love the icon. I used to like catching that show when I could.

If you screamed at this one, you should read my current series, a crack!fic.

I'm very happy you liked this.

BTW - I just read part 2 of Plans and left you fb. We need more optimistic post-513.
LadyoftheLight: Qaf - B/J 311 Ready to Gomarilla_pm67 on June 19th, 2006 05:54 pm (UTC)
God ... i love it, you really make me smile ... hamster ... too funny
Maria: Young Ones mouseslave_o_spike on June 19th, 2006 07:52 pm (UTC)
Thanks! The hamster in my head was working double duty for this one!
mickxfanmickxfan on May 13th, 2007 11:56 am (UTC)
lol. only you can turn something as simple as hamsters into something significant (and by that i mean Michael's brain) and still manage to imply a so very true point about Mikey and his slow-on-the-uptake thing.

I will never look at popsicles the same way again. omg.
Maria: Justin condomslave_o_spike on May 13th, 2007 10:11 pm (UTC)
Yeah, it had to be done. I mean, really, what was going through Mikey's head S1?

And yeah - bomb pops? Now I can only see Justin giving one head everytime I see them at the market. LOL!

eddnyaeddnya on November 10th, 2008 02:38 am (UTC)
"Teddy then realized that the hamster must now be on vacation. He went on a cruise with Kathy Lee Gifford and is doing the lambada while drinking over-priced margaritas. He's been gone for so long he had called the Post Office to stop his mail and had a buddy put slip-covers on all the furniture."

I couldn't stop laughing! really, the way you write ur stories keeps me coming back for more.
Maria: Ted - poutingslave_o_spike on November 12th, 2008 03:12 am (UTC)
I just re-read this. I was going to post it over at MW and then I realized it needs some serious betaing. LOL!

Thank you for that. I love that I can keep people wanting for more. :)
girloftheburbs: Galaxy Quest - Oh?girloftheburbs on March 3rd, 2010 12:24 pm (UTC)
Couldn't sleep and was led here by getithere... This was hilarious and I laughed so loud I scared my cat; she's currently trying to nip my typing fingers. I loved the analogy of the out-of-shape hamster as Mikey's brain. When reading the comments of why you turned the show's writers into sausage, I laughed more. So now I have a pissed off cat. LOL!! Thanks again for the funny story. :D (Good thing the cat stalked off since I'm going to read another one...)
Maria: B/J cha cha chaslave_o_spike on March 18th, 2010 02:12 am (UTC)
This was the third story I wrote in the QaF fandom and it put me on the map. :)

Poor, poor hamster.

And poor, poor cat. *pets your cat*

Thank you!!!!