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31 May 2006 @ 04:21 pm
Queer as Folk Crack!Fic  
Okay here it is. The start of my crack!fic. I'm a real cult movie fanatic, so there's alittle of quite a few movies in here. It's AU. It's probably OOC. You can let me know. When I decided to do this tonight, I just started writing and it came out.

This really disturbs me.

Anyways, here it is:

Title: Ma? Can I Keep Him?
Rating: Shit - as if I know.
Pairing: B/J; implied Ethan/Justin
Summary: It's a cannibal crack!fic. Okay? Debbie is the Sweeney Todd type who lives in some backwater town with her son Mikey and her adopted son, Brian. They make sausages out of tourists and whatnots. Justin and Ethan happen to be passing through.

Disclaimers: I don't own Cowlip or the boys. I also don't know where Jimmy Hoffa is and I don't know the location of any WMDs.

Warnings: It's a cannibal fic. Actually though, there's nothing gross or squicky, just clean ole cannibal fun.

I posted this last night over at qaf_bunnies because jillapet requested crack!fic of any kind.

No, no one requested a cannibal fic - no one is as deranged as me (maybe this should have gone under 'Disclaimers?')

Brian sat on the porch swing in front of the old house swinging back and forth listening to the faint sounds on the tv set coming from the living room. The nights were getting warmer now that summer was near. He ran down the checklist in his head as he swung back and forth. All the traps were set to the best of his recollection.

Just then, Mikey popped his head out the screen door.

"Hey Brian! Ma wants to make sure you set all the traps before you went out."

"Yes, Mikey," Brian intoned. "They're all set. Like I would go out hunting before I set them," Brian said.

"Did you set out the dead cow? Ma says that the cow always gets them," Mikey said excitedly.

Brian laughed to himself when he thought of the words 'Ma' and 'cow' in the same sentence.

"Yes, Mikey, I set out the cow." And was that a bitch to get out there too. He really needed to start recruiting some competent help.

"How 'bout the chain? That one's my favorite, Brian. I love the chain!" Mikey said deliriously.

"Yes, the chain's out." That one really made life much more simpler for Brian.

"Hey, Brian - before you go out, you wanna...."

"What Mikey?"

"You wanna play a new game I learned from Ranger Ben?"

Brian laughed to himself. He really had to have a talk with Ben about taking advantage of the mentally challenged. "No Mikey, I don't wanna play any game you learned from ole Ranger Ben."

"Aw, but Brian, it's really fun! It's called 'Hide the...'"

"Michael! Michael! Get your fucking ass in this house! Let Brian do his work," demanded Debbie standing at the screen door.

Brian was never as happy to see Debbie as he was now.

In the distance, a motorcycle motor could be heard. Then the pop of a tire and skidding. Then there was the unmistakable sound of crashing metal.

Brian really loved the chains.

"Well, well, well. Looks like Brian caught a little rabbit in one of his traps," Debbie said while snapping her gum and smiling. "Best go see what you got baby. Mikey, get in the house. Your 'Spiderman' cartoons are on now. Let Brian do his work."

Mikey turned around sulking as he walked into the house. "Aw, but Maaaa. I was playing with Briiiaaan."

Brian thought that Mikey's whine would be the death of him someday.

He just hoped when he did die, he wouldn't be part of the sausage.


Go to Chapter 2

Feedback is welcome. Say whatever you want. If you want to start a fund for my therapy, that's okay too.
Current Mood: sillysilly
Rhys1daftpunk on June 3rd, 2006 05:23 pm (UTC)
Maria: Psycho fandom issuesslave_o_spike on June 4th, 2006 12:53 am (UTC)
And I thought no one would find cannibalism funny....
zoshazosha2003 on June 3rd, 2006 05:47 pm (UTC)
Jesus - you're sick ... me too - nice to meet ya!

too funny!
Maria: BJ Guh Showerslave_o_spike on June 4th, 2006 12:52 am (UTC)
Well, it's always nice to meet a fellow crazy like myself.

Thanks - I hope to post more tonight.
cinnamon girl: brilliant from madtamalinn on June 3rd, 2006 06:37 pm (UTC)
Maria: Frodo doesn't live here anymoreslave_o_spike on June 4th, 2006 12:45 am (UTC)
Why thanks.

And hey, the icon works!
seanmegansean: *cracks up* 505seanmegansean on June 4th, 2006 11:05 am (UTC)
*points at icon*

And your Spike icon is perfect!! As is your mood theme! :))
Maria: Spike Just popped by for a quickie then?slave_o_spike on June 4th, 2006 11:55 am (UTC)
Spike and I thank you for the compliments.
(no subject) - seanmegansean on June 4th, 2006 12:36 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
Maria: Spangel why demons eat their youngslave_o_spike on June 5th, 2006 09:12 pm (UTC)
Glad to be of service!
Inca: Brianincasink on June 10th, 2006 03:11 pm (UTC)
(i came here after i read your post asking about the yokes... )

lmao! i am confused and delighted!
Maria: BJ Guh Showerslave_o_spike on June 10th, 2006 03:20 pm (UTC)
OMIGOD! Inca! You're reading my QaF crack!fic?!

This makes me all kinds of happy and excited!!!!

Do you watch Queer as Folk though (the US version)?

Did I just inadvertently get you hooked into another tv series?

*hug hugs hugs*
entr0ki on June 17th, 2006 06:47 pm (UTC)
I am....speechless. Because I'm too busy laughing. XD
Maria: Neil Mysterious Skinslave_o_spike on June 18th, 2006 12:23 am (UTC)
Hee! Thanks!
penguin88penguin88 on July 2nd, 2006 11:27 pm (UTC)

Well, I must be honest and say that this is nothing like I expected it to be - somehow I didn't expect cannibalism. However, I'm quite happy to find a fic that will be immeasurably different than anything that I've read before. I can tell that I am going to like this and have nightmares about 'The Hills Have Eyes' and I am very happy to find it. I also love a good crack!fic (and who doesn't?) so I can't wait to see what happens :). Thank you for writing something different and fun - in a rather dark way, but funny nonetheless! *goes to read*
Maria: Enter at your own riskslave_o_spike on July 3rd, 2006 02:24 pm (UTC)
No one ever expected this. I was actually not going to write it but a thread started on one of my communties and I asked if they thought a cannibal crack!fic would be okay and they said as long as it wa crack!fic and here we are!

You won't have nightmares about it (at least I hope not).
Thistle: Brian amused by paddiesthistle90 on July 6th, 2006 12:02 am (UTC)
I'm....I'm so very disturbed.

Running off to read the next chapter now. :D
Maria: Happy Tree Friends bird poking eyeslave_o_spike on July 6th, 2006 04:57 am (UTC)
You are disturbed! LOL!
critic75critic75 on January 14th, 2007 07:16 am (UTC)
Okay, it's 2007, a bit late, but I just now ran across your fic, so if it isn't too late to comment, I have just struck gold.
My three favorite things are QAF, Gale Harold, black comedy, and crackfic,---alright, that's four, but if this chapter is any indication, I am going to be in seventh heaven.
Thank you, thank you.
Maria: B/J cha cha chaslave_o_spike on January 14th, 2007 07:52 am (UTC)
Hiya! I think you shall like this is you're into black comedy.

I love my characters so I play and fun with them.

Well, you'll see...

PS - I don't mind fb on each chapter - in fact I love it!!!!
feedback - critic75 on January 14th, 2007 10:07 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: feedback - slave_o_spike on January 14th, 2007 04:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: feedback - critic75 on January 14th, 2007 11:54 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: feedback - slave_o_spike on January 15th, 2007 04:23 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: feedback - critic75 on January 15th, 2007 04:33 am (UTC) (Expand)
qafmaniac: RIP Paddies the 2ndqafmaniac on March 11th, 2007 07:08 pm (UTC)
I know I had promised to do this on the last weekend....but RL was getting in the way(grrrrr).
I've just read the first chapter and I have to say you are really crazy....just like me!! :D :D

He just hoped when he did die, he wouldn't be part of the sausage.

It sounds really good so far.

See you...*waves*
*will read more now*

Maria: Frodo doesn't live here anymoreslave_o_spike on March 11th, 2007 07:20 pm (UTC)
*quints to read icon*

Something paddies the second. Hmmm?

I'm glad you're reading and no worries on the whole RL thing getting in the way - I just updated my journal after a week of silence because of RL too!

Damn that RL getting in the way all the time.

Thanks and glad to see another insane person!
(no subject) - qafmaniac on March 11th, 2007 08:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
Maria: cannibal fic I love my challenged gay soslave_o_spike on May 25th, 2007 08:01 pm (UTC)
Whoa! My email just alerted me to all your comments! So I'll start at the beginning.

Yeah, I am a little shit to Mikey sometimes. *laughs evilly*

And someone made me a bunch of icons awhile back for some of the sayings in this story.

*points to icon*

This will make more sense later. :)
adelais_liliadelais_lili on August 30th, 2007 08:38 am (UTC)
I just found the qaf_bunnies community and saw your post there for this fic. And, of course, when I realized that I haven't read it yet I thought that's an easily reparable mistake. So here I am.

I love Brian as the hunter, the one in control, and I love Michael as the mentally challenged son, and I love the reference to the "Hide the..." game, and I love the ranger Ben ...
But most of all I love the title "Ma? Can I Keep Him?" (... I'll feed him, I'll walk him, please, Ma, please. :))) Cracks me everytime when I think about it.

Of to the next part. Hugs. Lili
Maria: Gale Misunderstood Cannibalslave_o_spike on August 31st, 2007 06:47 pm (UTC)
LOL! I always thought of Brian as the perfect predator, sexual and otherwise so why not take the next step...

And oh yeah, if I had Justin? I would take reeeeaaaall good care of him. :)

Off to the next and thanks for taking the plunge and reading!!!!
rosy5000: Brian Smilerosy5000 on September 14th, 2007 08:56 pm (UTC)

>Brian laughed to himself. He really had to have a talk with Ben about taking advantage of the mentally challenged.

I nearly fell off my chair when I read that. *giggles*
Maria: cannibal fic I love my challenged gay soslave_o_spike on September 16th, 2007 09:59 pm (UTC)
Well you know Mikey. Ben really shouldn't take advantage...

*giggles with you*

Coll: cracks_upcolleen2328 on September 3rd, 2008 06:07 pm (UTC)
Ranger Ben (snort). You are an evil genius.
Maria: Gale Misunderstood Cannibalslave_o_spike on September 4th, 2008 02:22 pm (UTC)
Yep - I love Ben in this.

BTW, did you not continue with this story because it wasn't finished?

Because it was only meant as a joke in the beginning and each chapter could sort of stand on its own.

Anywho, thank you!!!!