Um...where should I cross-post this? I don't know if I want to post it at orlandoslash?
Title: "In Search of...Bigfoot"
Pairing: Stoner!Orlando/Stoner!Jake Gyllenhaal - Bigfoot (There is no, I repeat, NO bestiality in this so calm down)
Rating: R for language and giggling stoner boys
Summary: Stoned and completely fucked up out of their minds, Orlando and Jake stumble upon one of mankind's greatest mysteries. Of course, the real mystery in all this is how Jake managed to drive them from Point A to Point B without killing anyone. :P
Disclaimer: Uh yeah. So not true. I don't know these boys and I have no proof of the existence of Bigfoot...yet.
I will post part 2 after Thanksgiving, on Friday. (It's written, but not edited).
Oh yeah. I put Orlando in those white overalls again. *smiles evilly*
"Dude! Wake up man. We're here," Jake managed to verbalize while smacking his lips together, as he stumbled out of the El Camino.
"Dude, when'd we get to the 7-11?" an equally unbalanced Orlando asked as he made his way out of the passenger side of the custom-painted truck.
"Somewhere between you passing out after you chucked my Styx 8-track tape out the window and...now...I guess," Jake replied while scratching his head.
"Dude! I need to piss like a fucking race horse." As Orlando straightened his wavering body, he unbuckled his overalls and dropped them to the ground, leaving him almost completely naked in the chilly, mountain air.
Jake took that moment to turn around and giggled. "Dude! You don't have any underwear on!"
Relieving his bladder, Orlando uttered a contented sigh. He looked over at Jake with a sly smile, "you didn't seem to mind earlier when you said something about them being 'easy access.'"
"Oh yeah," Jake grinned while licking his lips as he recalled their activities earlier in the night. "You done yet dude?" he called out as he watched Orlando jump up and down a few times before bending over and reattaching his overalls. Snapping out of his recollection of their shared coupling, he refocused his hazy vision on that of his friend as Orlando turned around fully dressed yet again.
Of course, Jake mused, 'fully dressed' was not the description you would have normally used to describe the state of dress his friend was currently in.
Orlando was certainly the sight to see in nothing but a pair of white overalls, some natty work boots, his charm necklace and that ugly Rastafarian knitted beanie.
"Hey dude. I'm hungry. Let's go get somethin' to eat," Orlando implored as he rubbed his stomach. As he walked to the door, he tripped over the large entrance mat.
Jake snorted with laughter as Orlando righted himself once again.
"Shut up, arsewipe!" Orlando spit out, trying hard not to snort with laughter at his own clumsiness himself.
"Arsewipe?! It's asswipe, asswipe," Jake contended with his trade-mark lopsided grin.
"Arse. It's arse. You Yanks can't pronounce shite!" Orlando retorted back.
"Shite? Shit! It's Shit! There is no 'e' at the end so the 'i' is short!" Jake argued back indignantly.
Just then, two twittering middle school girls walked by as they checked out the two stoned, yet handsome, men arguing.
"Nothing to see here ladies," Orlando said in mock seriousness as he bowed to both giggling girls while opening the double doors for them.
"'Shite' for 'shit'...'arse' for 'ass'...what do you wankers call that twelve foot pole stuck up your collective arses?" Jake countered.
"The European Union," Orlando mumbled before stumbling through the double doors of the convenience store.
"Oh yeah," Jake drawled as he spied the large slurpee machine in the corner. "I could so use a slurpee now dude."
"Fill up on pump #7!" Orlando yelled, before making a mad dash for the slurpee machine. Bending at an awkward angle while turning on the machine, Orlando drank directly from the spigot with Jake in the background watching and snickering.
"Hey dudes!" the store clerk shouted nervously to get the young men's attention, "you need to use a cup. Come on...that's just unsanitary," he whined.
Orlando closed the spigot, stood upright and with Jake slowly walked over to the hapless clerk.
The clerk continued to gaze at the two stoned youths worriedly, getting more and more uncomfortable by the minute as Jake peered closely at his name tag.
"Dude, your name's Randy Fry?" Jake guffawed.
"Randy Fry?" Orlando sputtered out. "Oh God!" Both young men immediately bent over laughing while holding their sides. Orlando straightened up after catching his breath and pointed to Randy. "Dude! It's the horny potato!"
"All hail the horny potato!" Jake haughtily proclaimed while bowing before the clerk.
"Hey come on dude...my name's not that funny," the clerk whined again. God how he hated stoners! They thought flies on the wall were funny.
"Fuck yeah, it is," Orlando chuckled. "Now I've got images of a potato running around in veggieland trying to get it on with all the pretty carrots and eggplants." And with that, Orlando simulated a humping motion.
"Hey, dude, that's just wrong," Jake sobered.
Orlando became very quiet all of a sudden, his mind lost in thought before he broke down into peals of laughter yet again. "Hey...dude...dude...check it out. 'That's not a brussell sprout, that's my wife!" The young man continued to laugh at his own joke, oblivious to the other two men staring at him in confusion.
"I don't get it," Jake frowned. "Oh wait....my wife!" Realization suddenly came over Jake as he started to howl with laughter again.
"Are you guys gonna buy something or just make my life hell?" Randy pleaded.
"I dunno Jake...whaddya think?" Orlando asked his stoned friend in all seriousness.
Both men nodded to each other.
"Okay, make your life hell it is!" Jake proclaimed proudly.
Once again Orlando positioned himself under the spigot of the slurpee machine but immediately jumped back. "Shite! I got slurpee down my dungarees!" Before Jake could ask what happened, Orlando once again unbuckled his overalls and grabbed a dish rag from the back of the counter. His pants hung somewhere below his sun tattoo, exposing his jutting hipbones for all the world to see. He started wiping his chest down with the wet cloth.
"Whoa," the clerk exclaimed in awe.
"Yeah..." Jake nodded, both men continuing to stare in wonder. Shooting nasty looks at Randy, he yelled at Orlando. "Dude! Keep your fucking clothes on. Come on." He tried to get Orli's overalls back up while muttering about 'over-sexed spuds.'
"Whoa...dude! When'd you guys get a telly in here?" Orlando questioned as he stared at the display.
"Hey...dude...what kinda show is this?" Jake asked as looked at the same display with Orlando.
"That's the hot dog carousel you idiots," the clerk droned.
"Looks like some kinda reality show," Jake shrugged. "Dude...this show's making me hungry."
Randy sighed in relief as the two youths placed the assorted chips and cookies on the counter. They then plunked down two bucket-sized slurpees, Jake asking how much their purchase would be. After ringing up Jake and Orlando's haul, Jake paid the man and they made their way out of the store.
"Fare thee well Great Lustful Tuber!" Orlando shouted over his shoulder, waving his hand in the air.
"Losers," Randy scoffed and turned back to his book titled You too can speak Klingon!.
Stumbling out of the 7-11, Jake and Orlando climbed once more into the El Camino.
"Where to now wanker?" Orlando asked as he opened a bag of Doritos and started noisily munching down, spilling chips on his chest.
"Wanna go over by the Falls?"
"Yeah," Orlando sighed in resignation. There just wasn't much to do in this town out in the middle of nowhere. Resigned to his and Jake's fate, he bent over to retrieve the cache of 8 track tapes.
"Shite...shite...shite...shite," Orlando spat as he chucked each track into the back seat.
"Hey! That was Journey dude!" Jake whined.
"What's this?" Orlando asked as he looked at one of the tapes.
"Fuck! That's Maggie's idea of a joke. Fucking Mags..."
"Oh yes! Dude!" Orlando smiled while popping the tape into the deck.
"No dude! No! Dude! Dude! Not cool. So not fucking cool..."
Everything in the truck's cab became quiet as they waited for the music to emerge from the tinny car speakers.
Hello, world, here's a song that we're singin',
C'mon get happy
A whole lotta lovin' is what we'll be bringin',
We'll make you happy
"The Partridge Family?!?! David Cassidy? Oh fuck!" Orlando kept laughing and then started to sing to the annoying song.
"Shut it dude!"
Orlando kept singing merrily.
There were times when Jake wanted to chuck Orlando from the moving vehicle. At that moment, Orlando turned to his friend and giggled.
Oh yeah, that was why he never did.
A sheepish smile on his face, Jake turned to his singing friend. "Now I have an image of you in a crushed velvet suit with one of those big ruffled shirts. Oh and a middle-aged Bonaduce is there perving on you."
Orlando's nose crinkled at that thought. "And am I playing with one of those tambourine thingies?"
"Yeah, but it looks cute," Jake smiled back. Not looking where he was going, Jake drove the truck straight into a ditch. "We're here!" Jake yelled out, not caring how they were to get out of said ditch later in the evening.
"Dude! Nice parking job!" Orlando burped as he extricated himself from the high centered vehicle.
"Yeah...well, it'll be here when we get back," Jake mumbled as he pushed Orlando further into the densely packed forest.
"Hey, isn't this where that chick found Bigfoot?" Orlando asked, his brows furrowing in contemplation. "What was her name?"
"Natalie Cox," Jake replied.
Both boys immediately launched into another bout of laughter while muttering the word 'cocks.'
"And hey! She spotted Bigfoot. She didn't find him dude!" Jake corrected. "Man, she must've been fuucck-ed up!" Jake drawled, elongating the word 'fucked.'
"Yeah, not at all like us," Orlando muttered. "I gotta piss again." Once again Jake turned around to watch as his stoned friend unbuckled his overalls, dropped them to the ground, leaving himself butt-naked.
"Dude, that's so not fucking fair. You're giving me a major chubby...And the way you were bogarting on that slurpee machine," Jake shook his head.
Turning back around, Orlando hoisted his dungarees back up and grinned seductively at his stoned lover. "Whad'ya want me to do about it?" the young man purred as he salaciously advanced on Jake.
Jake grabbed hold of his lover's belt loops the minute he came within range and pulled Orlando towards him. Putting his arms around Jake's neck, Orlando started to rub his nose against the young man, probing Jake's mouth with his tongue. Kissing fiercely, Orlando pulled back quickly.
"Dude! Dude!" Orlando exclaimed. "Man, your breath! Fuck! If you're gonna breath down my neck, use mouthwash dude!" Jake slowly opened his eyes, his expression suddenly turning from one of bliss to terror.
"Wait a tick," Orlando trembled, his eyebrows scrunched in sudden fear as realization dawned upon him (coupled with the look of fright on his lover's face). "If you're in front of me dude, then who's breathing down my neck behind...behind..."
Both boys screamed as they took in the seven foot tall rural legend. The beast, covering his ears from the shrieking, took both youth's heads and knocked them together.
Before everything went black, Jake came to the conclusion that Natalie Cox wasn't so fucked up after all.
To be concluded in part 2. :)
Feedback is love.
Even if it's to point and make fun of me.
And the Randy Fry? That is a real person! He is the CEO of Fry's Electronics. One day, while I was waiting in line, I noticed the brochure that said he was the CEO. I laughed and made some 'horny potato' jokes about their fearless leader.
They all thanked me and wished a good day and hoped I would come back soon. :P
BTW, the beanie is here, in this youtube vid: