Oh! And I changed my layout...again. Just for Christmas though. The pretty Orlando will resume his rightful place after the New Year. :) And yes, I made the banner and the default icon.
Title: "In Search of...Bigfoot"
Pairing: Stoner!Orlando/Stoner!Jake Gyllenhaal - Bigfoot (There is no, I repeat, NO bestiality in this so calm down)
Rating: R for language and giggling stoner boys
Summary: Stoned and completely fucked up out of their minds, Orlando and Jake stumble upon one of mankind's greatest mysteries. Of course, the real mystery in all this is how Jake managed to drive them from Point A to Point B without killing anyone. :P
Disclaimer: Uh yeah. So not true. I don't know these boys and I have no proof of the existence of Bigfoot...yet.
The first thing Jake noticed as he looked down at himself, was that he was wearing a ranger outfit.
The second thing he noticed was that Yogi Bear was madly groping Orli while Boo Boo looked on innocently repeating, 'Yogi, the ranger isn't going to like this.' Then Yogi Bear stopped what he was doing, looked at Jake sheepishly and retorted with, "Ranger sir, I didn't know he was with you; I thought he was a pic-a-nic basket."
And with that, grabbing onto Orli possessively, the cartoon bear morphed into a mutated version of himself. He had turned into a very life-like, hairy and tall beast.
With the biggest, pointiest, blood-stained teeth Jake had seen on any of his heavy metal album covers.
Startled out of his wits, it was at that point that Jake woke up staring at the object of his nightmare. Only the creature didn't have long, pointy teeth, dripping with blood. His teeth were blunt and at the moment, said mouth was set into a blissful smile.
Jakes' mouth hung open as he took in the surreal scene before him. For there pinned against the Sasquatch's chest, was a wide-eyed and shuddering Orlando. The creature was running his fingers through Orlando's hair, his lover's ugly beanie having been thrown aside earlier.
That was the scene that greeted Jake upon awakening.
"Dude?" Jake breathed out slowly, his voice imploring Orlando to say something to prove that maybe, just maybe, they were still in a dream.
"D...dude," Orlando stammered.
"Does it look like I'm bloody okay?!?" the trapped youth blurted out angrily. "I'm just fucking ducky at the moment. I am currently in the clutches of a tall, smelly creature that apparently does not exist and he won't let me soddin' go!"
"Maybe we can talk to him?" Jake offered.
"Oh! Oh and have you been practicing up on your Sasquatch lately?" Orlando asked testily, wincing as Bigfoot held him tighter to his chest. "Sorry dude. I'm just a bit scared, yeah?" he replied in defeat.
Jake saw how scared his friend was and decided to try something. Standing up slowly, so as not to spook the creature, he confronted Bigfoot, making eye contact and with a determined, yet shaky voice, said "Jake" while pointing at his chest. He then pointed at his lover and asserted slowly, "Orlando." He did this two more times and then pointed to Bigfoot, a questioning look in his eyes.
Now Jake had not been positive, with things being as hazy and confusing as they currently were, but he thought he saw Bigfoot roll his eyes and scoff. Then sounds emerged from the creature's mouth.
"Rawrr Eck Eck."
"Dude!!!" Jake excitedly shouted. "Did you hear that? Oh man!!!" The young man started bouncing up and down in excitement. "He speaks Wookie dude!!!"
Jake had to now pat himself on the back for all the times when he was younger and he had perfected Wookie while Maggie made fun of him. She had constantly told him it was an extremely geeky thing to do and that he should grow up.
Well, who was laughing now?
Of course, he was the one stuck in a cave with Bigfoot while his friend was being treated like a house cat and Maggie was probably at home watching another episode of House.
Clearing his throat, Jake emitted the first of the sounds he had perfected when he was but a child.
"Raaaar eck," Jake smiled as he finished, his diction perfect in pitch. However, the smile dropped from his face when the creature bellowed and raised his fist in the air.
"You made him really fuckin' mad," Orlando's voice trembled.
Quickly changing his pitch, Jake roared once more. "Raaaawwwrr Eck!"
And just as quickly, Bigfoot resumed his petting of Orlando while chuckling.
"Well, that's better...I think," Orlando replied. "What did you say to him this time?"
Stunned into silence for a moment, Jake looked at his friend. "Dude. I just know how to mimic Wookie. I don't know what I'm actually fucking saying! I could've just told him he smelled like elephant shit man!"
"Or that I might be very tasty with soddin' barbecue sauce," Orlando huffed. As if on cue, Bigfoot leaned over and rubbed his nose through his hair while breathing in deeply.
"Dude, that's just creepy. He keeps smelling you," Jake's nose scrunched in distaste.
"I'm being held captive by a large monster and all you can think to say is that he's smelling me?!?!" Orlando shrieked. "Please Jake? Do something?" the young man pleaded.
Deciding that he most definitely did not like his friend being in this current predicament, Jake made up his mind to try and communicate with Bigfoot yet again.
Only on his terms this time.
Jake gazed directly at the creature and slowly drawled out, "Duuuuuddde."
Bigfoot looked back at Jake and once again, the young man wasn't completely sure, but thought he saw a small smile light up the face.
It was almost as if the Sasquatch was humoring him.
"Dooooood," the thing said.
Jake hit the air with his fist and cried a triumphant "Whoo Hoo!"
"Did you hear that Orli?" he exclaimed excitedly. "He talked to me!!!!"
"Yeah, great," Orlando mumbled, "now if you can tell him to Let. Me. The. Bloody. Fuck. Go!"
Just as Jake was about to tell Orli to be patient and that he was doing the best he could, movement could be heard from the outside of the cave. Jake's mouth hung open yet again in a position he was no doubt getting quite familiar with on this most strangest of nights. For there at the entrance to the cave, was another Sasquatch. Both young men watched in wonder as the newest addition to the party walked straight into the cave.
"Raaaaawwwwr. Eck eck."
(What's all this then? Having a party without me dude?)
"Raawr rawr rawr eh eh eh."
(I found them over by the Falls, where that chick, Natalie Dix, spotted me.)
"Rawwwr eck eck rawwer rar rar."
(It was Cox! Cox! Not Dix dude. Why'd you bring them here?)
"Raaaaawwr. Eh. Eck. Eck."
(They had chips and cookies...and slurpees. Plus, I kinda like this one. He smells really nice).
And with that, Bigfoot buried his nose once again in Orlando's hair and breathed in deeply.
"Raaawwwwwr Eh Eh Eh....ewwwww."
(Why are you running your hands through his hair? He doesn't like...have lice, does he coz...ewwww.)
"Ror Eck Eh Eck."
(Naw...it just feels so soft. I wish I had hair this soft.)
"Rawrrrrr Wah wah."
(I got you that bottle of Nexxus conditioner that time but you used up the whole friggin' bottle before you were done dude!)
Walking over to Jake, the second Sasquatch bent over the frightened young man and looked intently into his eyes. "Rawwwr rar eck." (Man, these guys are fuuuucked up.)
The two young men looked back and forth between the two creatures before Orlando started trembling again. "Do you think they're trying to decide who gets to eat me first?"
"Dude," Jake started, his voice wavering equally, "look at their teeth man. They're not sharp. They probably don't eat meat dude."
"Well our teeth aren't bloody sharp," Orlando exclaimed. "That doesn't stop us from eating baby back ribs and pork chops and pot roast...! Oh God, they plan on cooking and eating us!"
"Raaawr Eh Eh," the newcomer replied to his partner and chuckled.
(Dude! They think we're gonna cook and eat them! 'S not like we have the facilities around here man. Now he went and made me hungry for ribs. I wish Gorky's was still open man. They had the best ribs.)
"Raaaawr Eh Eck Eck Wawr Rawwwr."
(Oh man. This kid is giving me a major chubby. He gives off the most heavenly scent when he gets scared. Fuck! I wish I could tell him I don't want to eat him; I just wanna fuck him up against every available surface around here!)
"Raawr Warr Eh Eck."
(Dude! You'd split 'im in half with your monster!)
"I'm gonna try and talk to him again dude," Jake whispered tentatively.
Orlando just shook his head nervously.
"Duuuuddde," Jake said slowly, once again making eye contact with the Sasquatch holding his lover captive.
"Raawr Eh Eh"
(Oh fuck. Not this again.)
"Rawwwwr Eh Eck," the other one retorted.
(Just humor him dude.)
"Dooood," Bigfoot drawled. He then leaned against the cave wall and resumed his ministrations on Orlando's hair.
"I don't think that helped any," Orlando sighed.
"Rawwwr Eh Eh Waawr Rawr. Rawwwr Eck Eck Rawr rawr."
(At least he's not speaking Wookie anymore. At first he told me I looked like Rosanne Barr. Pissed. Me. Off! But then he told me he had three nipples and jacked off to the fishing channel.)
"Rawwwer Eh Eh Eh Eck Eck."
(Dude! Tell me he didn't. Oh fuck! I so missed that! It's friggin' hilarious when they start speaking Wookie!)
"Rawwwr Eh Eh Eh."
(Yeah well, you know what rhymes with Wookie is cookie and they got some Oreos over there dude.)
Jake watched as the new Bigfoot started to root around in the Oreo cookie bag. "Oh cookies! You want...you want Oreos?"
(Humans have the uncanny knack for stating the obvious, don't they?)
Jake and Orlando breathed a sigh of relief as they watched the smaller of the two Sasquatch busy himself with the Oreos. The beast then ditched the bag of cookies and looked intently at his fellow creature.
"Rawwwr Eh Eh Eck."
(You know dude. If we had spent more time fucking the females of our own species instead of being attracted to other males, we might not be a 'rural legend' right now but one of the unwashed tax-paying masses.)
"Rawwwr Eh Eck Eck."
(But our females were so ugly!)
"Raawwrr Eck Eh Eh."
(Yeah, well have you seen some of the human females dude?!?!)
"Rawwwr Eck Eh...Eck Rawwr Wawr..."
(Well humans have something called beer...oh man. This kid feels so good, so smooth, look...)
And with that, Bigfoot started to unbuckle Orlando's overalls, the young man slapping at the creature's hands as he did so. He then watched as the two beasts looked at each other and laughed.
"Oh dude...dude," Jake muttered, "this is just wrong..."
"Jake! You fuckin' fucker! Bloody do something! I feel like a virgin on Prom Night," Orlando pleaded as his overalls were were pushed down to reveal his perfect pecs and slender waist, his lover's sun tattoo slowly being revealed leading to that most perfect of treasure trails...
Okay, Jake shook his head, needing to focus on the here and now.
With an image of the next National Enquirer headline "I was molested by Bigfoot" accompanied by a picture of a thoroughly ravished and violated Orli on the front springing to mind, Jake tried to figure out how to grab his captive lover and flee the cave.
"Rawwwr Eck Eck Wawr," the smaller beast whispered in awe to his friend.
(It's so smooth...)
"Raaaaawwwwr Eh Eh."
(Dude, you think if we had ourselves completely waxed, we might look remotely human underneath?)
"Rwwwrrr Eh Eck."
(Well, if we did, I hope I look like Sean Bean.)
There was more chuckling between the two before the big one muttered, "Raaawwwr rawr."
(More like Ron Perlman dude.)
"Jake," Orlando's voice trembled. "I just felt something...like a big pipe or something...poking me in the ass. I think they're going to skewer me with it. The pole is bloody huge!"
"Dude," Jake quivered, looking in horror at the 'pipe' of which Orlando spoke. The large Sasquatch had moved a fraction and Jake could make at the object more clearly. "That's not a pipe dude..."
Orlando managed to move his head to the left to see the object. Screaming in terror at the top of his lungs, both Sasquatch's covered their ears to the piercing screeching. This gave an opportunity for Orlando to break free, grab Jake's hand and run out of the cave as if someone had a lit a fire under their very oh-so-fuckable asses.
Scratching their heads, both creatures walked out of the cave.
"Rawwwr wawr eck eck," the tall one whined.
(Damn! I was just starting to have some fun. I'm really gonna miss him.")
"Rawwwrr eck eck."
(Yeah, well, you had to go and unleash the 'monster.')
"Rawwwr eh eh Wawr."
(It's a cross I have to bear dude.)
Both creatures chuckled at the joke and walked back into the cave.
Brittney Chelsea Pecker found herself quite fortunate that day to have her camera with her. Going to the spot that that Cox girl had spotted Bigfoot, she decided to go look for herself to see if the rumor was true.
And there, lo and behold, slumped against one of the trees, barely discernible because the beast managed to camouflage itself into the greenery, was the fabled legend. She would not have been able to spot it had it not been for the multi-colored beanie it was holding in its hands.
She watched as it turned the hat over and over again in its large hands, bring it to its face and inhale the offensive clothing in deeply. It then sighed and leaned against the tree once again.
She knew that look only all too well. It was the same bereft feeling she got when thinking about her classmate, Mikey Jones and that bitch of all bitches - unrequited love.
Almost mirroring Bigfoot's wistful sigh, Brittney Chelsea Pecker turned around and left the clearing.
I'm sorry if my Wookie is a bit rusty.