Maria (slave_o_spike) wrote,

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Regarding last night's post...

So I'm not f-locking anything. After purging my soul basically in the last post, I took a full 24 hours to think about it and laughed. My. Ass. Off.

What did the troll say?

I won't repeat word for word but the gist of it was that I must be a horrible person to find something as serious as cannibalism funny. (If they had written it in such a way as to actually make a valid point and it had not been so full of hate and vitriol, I would have conceded their point but it was just made me feel bad).

But the best part of the email was where she basically said that a person who would write such crap might be...suspect.

Yeah, right.

Because every writer who writes fiction, should be suspect about what they write about.

Anne Rice, Stephanie Meyer, Bram Stoker and maybe even Joss Whedon and his crack team should be checked out for their nocturnal habits. And maybe we should look into the lives of Dean Koontz, Stephen King and Clive Barker.


So, in order to clear some things up, here is a general disclaimer as to all the fiction I have written and posted here:

I am not a gay man so I have not experienced gay male sex. I have a husband and have mainly experienced heterosexual sex.

Hence the 5 kids.

Hubby, bless his heart, is working so hard to make it 6. :P

I can not speak to dead people. I can not see people's future deaths just by looking at them. I have never done these things.

But it would be kind of cool.

I am not the Angel of Death, Gabriel or the Grim Reaper.

But I wish I had his robe and scythe the next time I had to walk into the Dept of Motor Vehicles. I would love to walk in and yell, 'Yo! I heard there were dead people here!'

I do not know of the existence of parallel worlds. I am not one of the Guardians. I am not the one who guards the Guardians. I am not the one who guards the one who guards the Guardians.

I am not Joe Buscemi.

I have never swapped my body with that of anyone, especially anyone with as nice a boot-tay as Justin.

I am not a witch.

Well okay, I have some employees who might say otherwise. Let's just say, I am not a spell-casting witch.

I am not one of the Four Horsemen.

I have never experienced the effects of Stigmata.

I am not the devil or Lucifer or the Prince of Darkness or any other name you might have for him. I do not have diabolical plans to impregnate a virginal gay boy with my evil spawn so that the Antichrist can be born.

I have already birthed my own evil spawn. Why would I want to knock anyone else up?

I have not sold my soul to the devil either.

I would want to renegotiate that contract otherwise.

I do not own toys, McDonalds or sexual, that come to life just so they can perv on gay men in the shower or lead an uprising to rival the one in Braveheart.

I am not currently doing time in a high security wing for any crimes against humanity.

I am not fucking one Orlando Bloom in said high security wing that I am not currently doing time in.

Which is a pity...

I am not an extremely cute stoner boy who has encountered Bigfoot.

And if I did encounter Bigfoot, I doubt he would speak Wookie.

I have never hitched a ride anywhere. If I did, it would not be for the sole benefit of wreaking terror and havoc.

It would probably be so I could get from Point A to Point B.

I have never reanimated life.

But that would be so cool!

I am not from the future so I am neither privy to information as to how the world will end nor do I think we all turn into apes because Mikey and Mel try to repopulate the planet.

Although, if the world were to end, I bet it would be because of vegans and PETA.

And finally, the story that brought all this on in the first place:

I am not an alien from another planet that works as a clothing inspector intent on bringing world domination down on the humans of this planet.

Seriously, if you were a higher form of life, would you come down here and work for minimum wage?

I do not own a boarding house where I poison all the occupants with arsenic.

I am not the mayor of Cannibal County USA and I have only sent my lj friends (on their birthday) to this place in my ima-gi-nation.

They all got a huge kick out of it so Pffft!

I don't have a cock (see first disclaimer) but if I did, it certainly wouldn't be as small as Mikey's.

Would I write about something like that if it were true?

If I had to get rid of a school of piranha, do you really think I would send it to a Florida petting zoo?

Maybe New Jersey...

I no longer own a pair of overalls however my kids do.

And lastly, and believe me when I say that it was hard to type this without chuckling, I am not a cannibal. *chuckles again*

I didn't think I would ever have to write that!

I do not condone cannibalism and its practice.

I mean, why go through all that trouble when you can go to the local Safeway and buy a tri tip roast for under $20? It just makes good sense.

So now that I've written this list out, I realize one thing.

My fiction is pretty fucking 'out there.' LOL!

But I don't think I'm a bad person. I think I just have an overactive imagination and probably need more sleep.

So I'm keeping things unlocked. This person was a troll and it was just plain stupid to even get my back up on it. I would like to give a huge Thanks to everyone who commented though. I sometimes have to be reminded that people do find my work amusing and don't take what I write the wrong way.

I love you guys. *sobs*

P.S. The ironic thing about all this is that I'll probably be locking the last post because I let slip some personal shit.
Tags: trolls
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