Title: Ma, Can I keep him?
Pairing: B/J, implied E/J; also possibly, inter-species pairing (Hey, we're still not sure of Mikey's parentage)
Warnings: None so far. It is afterall a cannibal fic. Nothing squicky, just allusions to things that might make people uncomfortable. The word 'eviscerate' is used quite a bit.
Disclaimers: I don't own Cowlip or the boys. I do not know if the rain falls mainly on the plane in Spain.
Summary: This is crack!fic. It is a cannibal crack!fic. It is tongue-in-cheek black humor. This is the warning within the summary. Debbie is the Sweeney Todd type living in some backwater town (not too far from Pittsburgh) with her mentally disturbed son, Mikey (yes, I stuck to canon) and adopted son, Brian. Justin and Ethan are passing through.
Previous Chapters in my memories
"So what do you think Brian? Are they too big?" Justin asked while he twirled around in the white overalls that Brian leant to Justin. Brian looked over at the boy who was currently sporting a pair that were way too big for him but Brian couldn't help but notice how with the lack of shirt and the way the baggy bottom hugged Justin's ample bottom, how he looked just so...
"You look edible."
Justin smiled that smile that Brian knew would prove to be his downfall someday. Brian decided he needed to buy Justin twenty pairs of those overalls.
Brian thought back to the previous night's events. He fucked Justin on his back. He fucked Justin on all fours. At one point, Justin fucked himself on Brian while Brian sat in his chair. There had been an incredible rim-job Brian had bestowed on the acrobatically inclined Justin Taylor.
It was two of the most memorable hours of Brian's life.
It was then that he decided, as he had fallen asleep next to Justin in the spacious bed, that he would have to devise a way to keep Justin around for awhile and convince Debbie this would be for the best. He was not the type to have people under him or to latch onto any one person, but he just couldn't send Justin away.
After they had woken up to a brand new day and had taken a shower (where Justin was kind enough to show his gratitude yet again with the most pleasurable blow job Brian had had in a long time) and Brian had washed Justin and his hair thoroughly, they had gotten out, dried each other off and Brian had found something Justin could wear.
Brian looked hesitantly at Justin. "Maybe I should go in there first. See how her mood is, okay?"
Justin nodded and kissed Brian on the lips. Brian decided if this went badly, he would just 'cut and run' with Justin - it would be only as a last ditch effort though, as he would hate to ruin breakfast by dismembering the family who took him in so long ago.
Brian walked into the kitchen and there was Debbie, cooking eggs and sausages. He noted that the particular batch she was cooking was a spinach and feta cheese blend - a pretentious and creepy couple by the name of Tannis and Philip who had been traveling through and had the misfortune of wandering onto the homestead looking for a great place to go antiquing.
"Good morning Brian. Had a good night?" Debbie asked without turning around from the stove.
"You could say it was aah-mazing."
Debbie chuckled. "I bet it was." At this point she turned around, cracked her gum and looked directly at Brian. "So, are ya gonna bring your little friend in to join us? What's his name, Justin?"
Brian recalled a time, about three years ago, when he was driving a car (whose passengers went missing shortly thereafter) to their garage. Debbie had asked Brian if he could take Mikey with him. He said he really didn't want to, but he could never refuse Debbie or Mikey, so he acquiesced.
While he was driving down the old dirt road, Mikey asked what would happen if he "did this" and proceeded to shift the automatic car with the gear shift on the floor from drive to first gear. The car lurched forward and then stopped. Brian had been seatbelted in and had been okay but Mikey was thrown forward and hit the windshield. He was rushed to Doctor Dave in town because of the size of the knot on his head. While Mikey was being checked out, Debbie kept worrying that Mikey might suffer permanent brain damage.
The doctor asked if anyone would really notice.
The thing that Brian remembered most about that was the feeling he got at the time of not being ready for it and being taken totally by surprised.
It felt just like this moment in time.
"Oh my God. I thought I would never see the day when Brian-fucking-Kinney was speechless. How dumb do you think I am honey? I know everything that goes on around here." Debbie decided to walk forward and get into Brian's personal space. "What really pisses me off is how you think I could even think of wanting to disembowel that sweet little angel in there." As Debbie said this her voice got lower and she started wiping at her tears on her face, smudging her make-up. "I'm very disappointed in you, Brian. Now get Sunshine in here and set him down at the table. We'll talk about this later." Debbie turned around and went back to her cooking.
Sunshine, Brian thought. It fit. "Um, Debbie," Brian started, "when you say 'set him down at the table'...."
Debbie hit Brian upside the head. "So he can eat."
Brian had been counting on Debbie's motherly side to kick in with Justin.
Brian came in and got Justin. "It's okay, come on."
Justin came in and Debbie rushed over to the boy. "Hi there Sunshine!" She then started to pinch his cheeks. Brian hoped she wasn't tenderizing him. "Aren't you the most adorable thing! And having that nasty accident in the middle of the night. I'm so glad Brian found you."
"Me too," Justin said. Brian and Justin looked at each other and grinned. Debbie caught it and would definitely be having that talk with Brian later. But now was time for breakfast, the most important meal of the day, as far as Debbie was concerned.
Justin noted that an old man walked in, looked at Justin and turned to Debbie.
Debbie and Vic had a conversation only they could hear. "So we do veal now?"
Debbie gave the man a warning look. "Vic..."
"Can I keep his cage in my room?" Vic said with a leer at Justin.
Brian, having overheard, cut in that moment. "Vic, behave."
Vic smiled and walked up to the boy.
"Name's Vic, everyone calls me Uncle Vic," he said while extending his hand. Justin reciprocated and then sat down with 'Uncle Vic.'
Justin was about to start talking to Vic, when a little brown-haired man with unsightly chest hair walked in yawning and scratching his ass.
"Hi baby," cooed Debbie.
"Morning Michael," Vic said.
"Wakey, wakey Mikey," Brian taunted. Mikey smiled at Brian and then looked over to where Justin was sitting.
"Hey, what the fuck is that?!"
"Michael Charles Novetny! You have better manners than that! Apologize to Sunshine and sit down and eat your Goddamn breakfast."
Mikey grumbled and sat down, sending evil glares at Justin.
Brian knew that Mikey would be a problem, but he wasn't a danger to Justin. "I'll be right back." And with that Brian left the room.
Mikey started to eat his breakfast. Justin thought he had the most atrocious table manners he had ever seen. Debbie smacked Mikey upside the head. "Mikey! Mind your manners! We have a guest at the table!"
"We've had 'food' at the table before Ma!"
Justin looked at Mikey completely dumbfounded.
"Did you do drugs, oh I don't know, around thirty-two years ago? Just asking."
"No honey, why?"
Justin continued to eat. It was a little disconcerting when Vic was leering at him and Mikey was glaring at him.
"Debbie? Do you have any orange juice?"
"Of course! I'll get it."
"No, that's okay. I can get it." Justin got up to get the juice out of the refrigerator.
Justin spun around just in time to see a sad, puppy dog-eyed man, who was currently engaged in the act of "petting" Justin's hair.
Justin backed away from the man. "Briiaaan!"
"Teddy! Stop petting Sunshine's head! Sit down and eat your breakfast and leave that boy alone," Debbie admonished from her place at the stove.
Ted looked straight into Justin's face and stopped stroking his hair. Justin decided to say something to break the awkward silence.
"I'm Justin. How's it going, Teddy, that's your name, right?"
Ted continued to stare at Justin. "I haven't seen my soul in thirteen years."
Justin was at a loss as to what to say next to the very strange man. He looked to Debbie for help.
"Teddy's an accountant. Aren't you Teddy?" Debbie asked while steering him to the table.
Well, thought Justin, that explains the soulless part.
Just then Brian came back in. "And how is Theodore this morning?"
"There are 3,471 shingles on the roof on the main house. That's two down from last year on this exact same day. You need to do something about that," Teddy said in a conspiratorial voice while following Brian around the kitchen.
"Okay Rain Man, I'll get right on that." Brian walked over to Ted and lay his hand on his shoulder while he got up next to his ear. "You know Theodore, you wouldn't be standing on the roof at 5:00 in the AM counting roof shingles if you actually got laid. Maybe you'd even find your soul again, if you had one to begin with, that is," Brian shrugged while walking away. He gave a quick nip to Justin's shoulder as he walked past.
Mikey was watching the scene with intense interest. "Don't tell me you fucked the 'food' Brian! How could you?!"
Justin looked at Mikey once again and leaned over to Vic. "Was the circus in town, oh I don't know, thirty-two years ago? You know, just asking."
Vic thought about it for a second and then ,"No, but it did come to town when Mikey was six. He actually ran away to join the circus," Vic laughed. "Some of the Freak Show performers brought him back and told us to keep our pet monkey away because he was scaring the animals."
Just then the peace of the family breakfast was interrupted when a brick came flying through the window.
"Holy Shit!" Debbie screamed. Brian raced over and covered Justin as quickly as possible. He had plans for the boy that afternoon that most definitely did not include pulling glass out of his skull.
Debbie picked up the brick and read the note attached to it.
"Those....! Brian this is just going too far." Debbie was holding the note out to Brian to read. "You need to handle this."
Brian read the note. It said:
WE WANT YOUR SPERM - FILL THE CUP OR ELSE!!!
Brian looked back at Debbie. "Well? What are you going to do? Phone calls, screaming in the middle of the night, emails - that's one thing. But this is just pure vandalism."
"Debbie, what do you want me to do? I've tried reasoning with them."
Justin got up and walked over to where Brian was standing. He took the note from Brian.
"Oh my god, Brian. Who's doing this?"
"Just these cwazy wesbians who live in town," Brian said while scratching the back of his head. This was getting insane and he would have to handle this soon.
"Oh look Brian. They even attached a Dixie cup to the note. The cup says PUT SPERM HERE and look - they even drew a few pictures of some swimmers with happy faces. That's kind of cute," Justin said but quickly shut up when he saw the look on Brian's face.
"Oh Brian, why don't you just give them the Goddamn sperm. Take the cup and jack off - Sunshine you go with him and help. Then it'll be over.
"No, Debbie! I'll handle this, okay? I'll go see them and talk some reason into Lindsey, she'll listen, okay?" Brian was in full pout mode.
"Fine, but...," Debbie continued while pointing her finger at Brian, "I want this resolved today. Take Sunshine with you."
Brian didn't like the sound of that. He planned to have Justin help him with his chores around the farm (that did not include anything to do with the pen) and in between each chore, they would take little "breathers," which was just a fancy way for Brian to say "fuck breaks."
Just then, Ranger Ben walked in the kitchen. "How's my favorite family doing?" Justin noticed the very handsome man in the official uniform who was very busy flexing his rather large muscles.
Brian leaned over to Justin. "If he asks you if you want to learn a new game, just say no, okay Sunshine?"
Justin smiled at Brian for using the moniker Debbie bestowed on him that he completely forgot the beefy ranger immediately. "Okay Brian."
Ranger Ben squatted down next to Mikey. "Oh Mikey. Guess what came today, special delivery?" Ben said while pulling something out of his bag.
"That new vibrating butt pl...," but Mikey didn't get to finish his sentence as Ranger Ben had silenced him by putting his hand over his mouth.
"No," Ben chuckled, "the latest Captain Astro."
Mikey got up and immediately jumped into Ranger Ben's arms. Ben then took notice of the new boy sitting at the table. He put Mikey down and walked over to Justin.
"Well hello, and who are you?"
Justin looked up at the man and swallowed, "Justin."
Debbie looked over and quickly intervened. "He had an accident last night and Brian brought him home to get better."
"So you had a little accident? Well, as the local sheriff here, I have a few questions for you."
Brian immediately took note and got up off the counter. Debbie looked slightly worried.
"Tell me, Justin," Ben leaned down and looked right into Justin's face, "do you like games?"
Justin shook his head 'no.'
"Well then," Ben said while turning away, "that's it I guess. So Mikey, ready for that fishing lesson?"
Mikey jumped up and down excitedly. "Let's go Ben - now!"
Justin leaned over to Brian and whispered, "He's teaching him how to fish?"
"Yeah, well it involves a pole but not the kind you find at Barney's Bait & Tackle."
"Hey Ben. Wait up. Mel and Lindsey are at it again. They threw a fuckin' brick through the Goddamn window! What are you gonna do about it?" Debbie ranted while standing in front of the Ranger.
"Whoa, whoa whoa," Ben said while holding his hands up. "You know how I feel about confrontations. This needs to be worked out between the two parties, Mel and Lindsey and Brian," Ben nodded his head at Brian, "and then reached to some agreement that is feasible and sound with the least bit of hurt feelings so everyone's happy."
:"Shit Ben! You're the fucking sheriff! I just don't get how our town hired Ghandi to be the local law enforcement! You know..."
But Debbie was cut off by Brian and his look of 'Don't fucking go there Debbie.' Debbie stopped ranting. "Now Debbie. Zen Ben is doing a bang-up job here in our little hamlet. I personally feel so much better knowing that we have such an enlightened officer watching over us."
"Well you guys go off and have fun. Catch something big for me," Debbie chuckled while shooing Ben and Mikey out of the kitchen.
Brian knew that the something big that Mikey would be catching was approximately eight inches long.
Justin looked over at Brian. "This place is wild! Have I met everybody yet?"
"No, not everybody. You haven't met..."
Just then a flamboyant man walked in waving 'hi, hi' to everyone and kissing Debbie on the cheek.
"Emmett," Brian finished.
"Oh, who's this?" Emmett came flouncing over to where Justin sat. "Well, aren't you just the cutest thing! You know I have the most lovely chartreuse blouse that would just go..."
Brian jumped in. "Don't! You are not to dress Justin while he is our guest. You are not to even go near him with any clothes, not even a pair of socks, okay?" Brian decided that if Emmett got anywhere near Justin with anything chartreuse, he would be forced to disembowel him on the spot.
"You're no fun," Emmett pouted. As he was walking away he bumped right into Ted. "Oh Teddy! I didn't see you there!"
"That's because I'm invisible," Ted replied in monotone.
"Those bags under your eyes say differently sweetie."
Once they were all finished with breakfast, everyone started to file out one by one until only Brian and Justin were left.
"So," Brian said while steepling his fingers and walking toward Justin, "are you ready to go screaming from here?" Please say no Please say no ran the mantra through Brian's head.
"Are you kidding me? No way!"
Brian thought of that old saying 'Be careful what you wish for.' He just didn't know what he was getting the kid into.
Justin started ticking off on his fingers, "you've got invisible, soulless accountants, Zen Ben, Debbie, Uncle Vic, sperm-stalking-lesbians and Emmett - well I don't know what Emmett is..."
"You forgot Mikey..."
"I'm seriously trying..."
Brian loomed over Justin and held him by the shoulders. "I think it's time for dessert."
"Brian! I just had that huge breakfast. I swear Debbie is trying to fatten me up."
Brian hoped she was just being her over-indulgent motherly self and not just preparing him for Christmas dinner.
"I didn't mean food! I meant this..." and Brian picked up Justin and laid him out on the table. After he pulled his overalls down and fucked Justin quick and hard, both experiencing one of the many orgasms that were yet to come, Brian made sure to clean the table thoroughly for when Debbie was ready to serve lunch.
Feedback is welcome - unless you're invisible like Ted
Go to Chapter 7